Grrrr?

I am having one of those days where nearly everything makes me mad. GETTIN' MY GRUMP ON, YO. I feel like I should spend the day hanging out with Grandpas. We could complain about rotten kids, the price of apples, that horrible rap music (it is just noise!!!!) and that darn weather.

It would be a good day.

Sure.

There are many things I am unsure about, but there are some things I am completely and absolutely sure about. Like how one day George Clooney is going to fall madly in love with me. Ummm, how is that NOT going to happen?

*winkyface*

All day.

Yesterday I watched the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie goes to the gay prom with Stanford at the end. They slow dance to a song at the end, and I have been singing it out loud ALL DAY.

"If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest parrrrt of me. WooooOOOOOOoooo no, baby please don't go!"

Best. Song. Ever.

Eeeeeeep.

Here I am, in the midst of living my new old life. New because it's different from where I was a month ago. Old because it's exactly where I was 5 years ago. Life is strange.

I just drank a giant beer. Alone. In my parents' house. Where I live. Again. At the age of 29.

Life is so weird.

NOM NOM NOM

I had a mega super craving for a burger and milkshake today, so I decided to treat myself to a take out lunch from White Spot. (What? It's the closest place to my house!) I got the same thing I normally get, which is a combo. Normally, I'd eat the whole darn thing. But today I barely managed to finish the burger before I was totally full. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN????

I think I have inadvertently taught myself about portion control, via having the worst eating habits ever in time. You see, when I get stressed out, I tend to forget to eat. I also tend to develop a nervous stomach. So I average about one meal a day, and when I eat that one meal a day, I don't eat much. Just because I'm not that hungry. But I've been finding that since I've gotten better (meaning SINCE I'VE GOTTEN SOME DAMN SLEEP) when I get hungry, I need to eat way less in order to feel full. I've actually lost about 8 pounds in two weeks because of it. 8 pounds!!

Ummm... high fives for anxiety? Ha!

It is not an easy thing.

It is not an easy thing to finally look at yourself in the mirror and admit it to yourself. I AM NOT OKAY. It is not an easy thing to admit it to your friends and family. I AM NOT OKAY. It is not an easy thing to walk into a little room and sit in front of someone you have never met before and say it. I AM NOT OKAY.

It is really, really hard.

But after you say it to each of these people, yourself, your friends, a doctor, you know that you will be okay. And they will help you get there again.

I'm awake.

Last night I slept more than I have in a long while. I still woke up at 4:30am, but prior to that there was some legit sleeping going on. I laughed so much this morning. I feel like a human again. It's a nice feeling, as I really wasn't looking forward to dining on your brains for dinner so that I could maintain my zombie-like existence.

This is it.

Well, this is it. Soon it will be tomorrow (July 19th). Tomorrow is the last day I will spend as a 28 year old. I must say, I've learned a lot in these 28 years. Especially during the last year.

I've learned that I am not my situation.

I've learned that I'm much more fragile than I thought.

I've learned that I'm so much stronger than I thought.

I've learned that I'm important.

I've learned that I mean something to someone. To lots of someones.

I've learned that friendship is more like family than I ever knew.

I've learned to communicate my needs.

I've learned that I have real talent and I shouldn't hide from it.

I've learned that it's okay for me to be proud of myself.

I've learned that it's okay to cry.

I've learned that I am full of surprises.

I've learned to ask for help when I need it.

I've learned to accept help when it's offered.

I've learned that I'm better than that.

Huh.

Some days I can't quite figure out what to do with myself. I get the feeling there are all sorts of things I am supposed to be doing, but I don't know what they are. Sometimes I keep lists to make sure I remember these things I'm supposed to be doing, but then I forget about the lists. Maybe I need a list of all my lists. Or maybe I just need a new brain? Wheeeeeee!

Moving is a good time.

IF YOU ARE INTO THINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY HORRIBLE.

I'm moving out of my current housing unit at the end of the month. I got off to a good start last week by getting rid of a whole bunch of junk I had stashed away in the storage room. It was incredibly satisfying... until I realized that I still have to go through the rest of the crap in my house too. I have lived in this place for 5 years. That is a long time. Do you know how much junk one can obtain in 5 years? A lot. A lot of junk. A lot of junk that becomes very dusty after just sitting there for who knows how long. Which is super awesome when you have bad allergies like I do. So basically what I'm saying is that I am likely to be sneezing my stupid face off for the rest of the month.

Yeah. You wish you had my life.

OH HAI.

I just had a good long chat with a friend and I feel really good about things right now. (Aside from the fact that I'm sick today. Wah.) After 5 years here, I gave notice on my apartment today. I don't know where I'll be living in August. Everything in my life is so up in the air right now. I might get a job in another city and have to move away. I might get a job here and will finally have an apartment of my own. I might not have a job at all, which would have me temporarily staying with someone. All I know is that it's the start of something. Something crazy. Something good.

It's not just for me, either. So many of my friends are going through big changes right now. Buying houses, selling houses, moving to new places, moving back home, starting new jobs, leaving old jobs, etc. I'm just really excited for everyone. It helps a lot to be going through this transition along with so many others. We're all going to be so scared, but we're all going to be so happy. It's going to be great.

Like magic.

It's a weird thing to not have any idea what you are going to do next. I have no idea where I'm going to work or where I'm going to be living in a month. It's strange, but I'm not really scared. I just have a feeling that it will work out. Like magic.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1am

1am used to mean, "Time to leave the bar."

Now 1am means watching Real Housewives of Orange County and wishing I could sleep.

I haz an old.

Not that I need to explain it.

Here's the deal. When I had a job, I was at my desk all day. Right in front of a computer. For 8 hours. Now that I'm not at a desk all day, I am not always in front of my computer. In fact, most of the time I use my phone. Posting things to this space via phone is not the most convenient thing. So when I am out and about and think of short bits and bobs to share, I don't bother going through the hassle of posting them here. Anything that goes here is usually something a little longer, or something I think of when I happen to be on my computer. Hence why the frequency of posts has dropped off recently.

If you are aware of a decent Blogger iPhone app, please tell me about it. I'd like to give it a try. I just haven't found anything I like using. Okay? Cool.

Also, HOH! New template. It's about time, yo.

Dear Lady Gaga

Dear Lady GaGa,

Huh?

Regards,
Sarah

Hot tip!

Friends. If you decide to use Google Chrome as your new browser, you can apply custom themes to make it look pretty. Themes created by many delightful designers such as Todd Oldham, Anna Sui, D&G, Kate Spade and the one I chose, which is by Jonathan Adler. It's fun! Check it out!

Wife.

It's like I live in 1950 or something. If people asked me, "So, what do you do?" I could tell them, "I'm a housewife."

It's almost like that. You get up in the morning and you have coffee and breakfast and then he leaves. He leaves and you stay there, all alone. What are you going to do today? You've got big plans. Maybe a little exercise. Then you'll get cleaned up. Then you'll so a little laundry and some dishes. Or you could organize the cupboards. And the fridge, well the fridge needs to be cleaned out. You could definitely do that. Then what? I guess you could take a nap. Or maybe watch some television for a bit. Maybe read a book? Eventually you might get to leave the house for some groceries. That will be fun! But you won't go anywhere else. Not by yourself. That would feel strange, being alone in public. People would stare! No way. Just to the grocery store and back. Then you can cook dinner. Then he will come home, and you'll eat, watch more television and go to sleep. Then you'll get up and do the same thing all over again tomorrow. Because you're a housewife.

Yeah, it's almost like that. Except, you know. Without a "him".

Nice.

Yesterday I received an email from one of the guys I used to work with. It had the usual things like "good luck with the job search" and giving me updates on the latest goings on at the office. But there was one line that really made me smile.

"Your unique charm is one that will never be replaced."

It was so sweet. And kind of funny. Because I'm charming. And my charm is unique. It is one of those things that I will probably go back and read again when I am wondering why anyone bothers to talk to me in the first place. A delightful little reminder of who I am. I am me, and that's alright, man. That's alright.

Here's the thing.

It sounds odd, but I really needed a vacation from being unemployed. I went to Toronto for a week and spent time with some people that I just don't get to see very often, because they live so far away from me. It was one of the best vacations I have ever had. There was not a moment of grumpiness from me, even when I was tired and trying to get over the jet lag on 3 hours of sleep. It was end to end amazing. It was good for my brain to be around people, watching them make things and do things and create things and talk about making things.

HOWEVER, now I'm back at home and have to jump back into my life. Head first is the approach I'm taking. Here's the thing: I need a job. But what kind of job? I've come up with a list of things I want to get out of a place that I have to spend 8 hours of my day.

1) I want to create things. I want to be able to have a thing I can look at and say, "I made this".
2) I want a positive environment. I want to be recognized for the good things I do. I also want feedback on the things I don't do so well. I want them to help me get better at what I do.
3) I want to be paid fairly.
4) I want to be excited about what I do.
5) I want to work with other creative people. I feed off the energy of others, and I would love to be back in a creative environment again.

Now that I know this much, I need to figure out what I bring to the table. This is the tricky part. But after my vacation from vacationing, I feel like I'm finally ready to figure this out.

Also, I have learned that the best way to start your morning is to read a hilarious email, drink some coffee, and dance around in your underwear. Then you can start to get shit done. WOOT.

What to do when you have nothing to do.

The first week an a half of unemployment was just straight up MAGICAL. I would wake up every day at my normal time (6:30am) and hear my roommate getting ready for work. There would be a moment of, "Awwww MAN!" and then I would remember. OH YEAH. I DON'T HAVE TO GET UP BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB. WOOOOOOO! Then I'd go back to sleep until whenever-I-goddamn-feel-like-it o'clock. It was great. When I finally did get out of bed, there was a leisurely schedule. Make a latte, (I need to develop some barista skills JUST IN CASE) watch some television, write some things, think about possible activities, read the entire Internet. I kept pretty busy. It was nice. It sort of felt like a vacation.

But then one day, it happened. I got bored. It suddenly dawns on you that pretty much everyone you know is at work, so if you go anywhere, you will be going by yourself. You can't really call anyone because everyone is busy doing work crap. You rapidly run out of ideas to keep yourself busy. You start making lists of possibly career ideas, but that all turns to crap once you notice that you have written "rocket scientist" and "robot butler" three times each. WHAT NOW????

I like to search for cheap airfare for a last minute vacation, because I can actually take last minute vacations with like zero planning. I can't really afford one, but this is not the point. The point is to remind myself of the fact that I could, in theory, flee at any time. I also like to shop for things on the Internet, because I enjoy the thought of receiving a package in the mail. If I order something online today, that gives me at least a full 7 days of waiting for a package. But I never actually order anything, because HELLO? BUDGET.

I suppose after I clean my entire house, organize some stuff, and doing absolutely everything else I can in order to avoid having to sit down and seriously think about my situation, I will eventually have to just suck it up and do it. I will have to rewrite my resume, decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, and start getting serious about looking for work.

But I'll save that for tomorrow. These origami zoo animals aren't going to fold themselves.