Wednesday, December 27, 2006

It's all over now, Baby Blue.

So that's it, kids. Christmas is over for another year. It was pretty okay. What was not pretty okay was getting up to go to work this morning. I was really not pleased about it. Not at all. But when I got on the empty bus (with the nerdily adorable bus driver) and sat down at a window seat and realised that wearing my new coat felt like wearing a fluffy duvet, I was alright with the situation.

Now I am at work and it is kind of relaxing because there is no one here. I am not allowed to take time off at Christmas, but EVERYONE ELSE IS. It is way better this way. It is kind of like being on vacation, except that you aren't at home and you are doing some work, but not enough to make you feel cruddy about things. Plus, I'm pretty sure most of the people that are actually here right now are going to cut out early because they can. It is like an office full of the kids that always sit at the back of the class and just walk out right in the middle of the lesson because we are badasses. I plan to finish out the week with a little hard work, heavy on the heckling people and lots of chillin with my homies. WOOT.

It's not so bad, I guess.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

It just wouldn't be the same without a little Charlie Brown.

Denis Leary, I friggin love you!

This can be found on Denis Leary's Merry F$%&in' Christmas. He's so hot when he gets mad... so like, pretty much all the time he's really hot. *sigh*

Saturday, December 23, 2006

So maybe it doesn't suck 100%.

This morning I woke up at 8:00. AM. On a Saturday. In case you were not aware, that is kind of bullshit. Whatevs. It actually worked out okay, because that allowed me to get out of the house and finish all my errands by noon! That is kind of awesome, because I completely avoided the crowds and traffic. Woot! But when I finished everything at noon I was left to ponder something. What the hell was I going to do for the rest of the day?

The answer is: NOTHING! It was totally lame and awesome at the same time. It was a wonderful kind of melancholy. I felt so great about having nothing left to do that I even went so far as to order pizza! I NEVER DO THAT. EVER. I am told it will arrive in no less than 30 minutes, and I am pretty friggin' stoked about it. It is going to be so hardcore delicious. Especially when I drink some chocolate beer while I am eating it. *yesssss*

I am totally on board with this Christmas thing, now that all that is left to do is EAT FOOD, DRINK BEER/WINE WITH SAID FOOD AND OPEN PRESENTS. I choose to be in denial about the "spending time with annoying family members" bit. It just ruins the fun. Though... they might very well give me the chance to yell "You ruined Christmas!" like I promised Dave I would do. It will be even better if I actually mean it! HA!

AND THEN there is brunch. I looooooove me some brunch. I am so excited that I get to go to one tomorrow morning! I think it will be AWESOME.

So yeah, Christmas is coming. What about it?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

City busses, city busses, dressed in holiday style...

I worked late today in preparation for the hurricane of CRAP that is bound to hit my work email inbox tomorrow morning. So, when I was waiting for the bus on the way home it was cold and dark. When I saw the bus coming after only waiting for about 8 mins I was super excited. Then I got on the bus. This is where things really got exciting.

The bus driver was this cheerful man in his 50's, who was wearing a magical santa hat with flashing LED lights and holiday pins all over it. He seemed pretty into this whole Christmas thing. But that was not the best part. This funny little man had taken the time to decorate the inside of the bus!!! All along the front windows he had placed sparkly garland and FRESH ACTUAL TREE GARLAND.

Now, I'm not big into this "being festive" business, but I totally dug the Christmas bus. Perhaps it was the sheer volume of Christmas spirit this man posessed and I got zapped by it... but it was probably because the whole bus smelled like yummy fresh Christmas trees as opposed to the "my brother's feet" smell I am usually greeted with. Who knows.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Oh, Degrassi! You're crazy!

I seriously love Degrassi. It is so friggin' hardcore. Right now there is this creepo teacher with severe anger issues threatening a kid! It is crazy!!!!

There's a kid who just got out of jail, a kid who is a recovering anorexic/whore, evil teachers and SO MUCH MORE!!!!!

You should probably watch it. It is like something they should be showing on Showcase, except there is no swearing. Good times.

In other news, today I made matzoh ball soup for dinner. It was freaking delicious. If you have not had it, you totally need to try it. It is like you are eating chicken soup and dipping yummy bread into it... except that it is wayyyyyyy cooler because the bread is already in the soup! It is like magic! Plus it is super easy because you can buy a mix in the kosher food section. I think it is my new favourite thing. I'm totally eating it for lunch tomorrow. Yummmmmmmmm.

The pinnacle of organization and professionalism.

Yes, that would be me. I have developed a plan and I have put a system in place that will (hopefully) allow me to handle this week spectacularly. I'm quite pleased with myself at the moment. But we will have to wait and see how this turns out. I'm still half expecting a shitstorm. I hope I DO NOT get one.

I am totally a grumpy grumperson today. I really shouldn't be because I got free chocolate, free lunch and a Christmas present today. BUT... then a couple of crappy things happened, so I suppose this day is totally balanced, karmically speaking. I kind of wish it had just been 100% awesome without the bad crap involved. (Oh, you know what I am talking about, strange internet stalker guy.)

BUT... when I go home today I am totally going to eat a cupcake. It is going to be awesome. Assuming nothing falls on my head on the way home, we should end up sitting on the "not so bad after all" side of the fence today. Woot!

The Nightmare Before Christmas

I had the weirdest dream... I dreamt that I got a random email from someone I do not know politely (yet somehow menacingly) requesting that I delete one of my blog posts for an unspecified reason, so I did because I am such an accomodating person.

Weird, eh? It's a good thing it was only a dream.

That's totally the last time I eat nacho cheese rice chips before bed.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Talkin 'bout crazy cool medallions...

I was having a bit of a grumpfest this morning upon realizing that I might have to cancel my hair appointment on Friday because unlike last year, my office is not closing early on the last day before Christmas!!! THIS IS HORRIBLE NEWS. I really need my hair done like CRAZY BAD, and I made this appointment WEEKS ago. It's impossible to get in to see awesome Alan because he's crazy busy right now. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?? There's got to be a way.

ANYWAYS, I sulked about this all morning and I decided I needed some cheering up, courtesy of the YouTube. Boy, did I ever find it! I watched a couple of segments from this weeks SNL with my boyfriend JT. I was pretty friggin' excited to see the return of Barry Gibb Talk Show. BUT... finding the following two videos made me every so happy all afternoon. I love them!

We got eggs... we know how to cook them!

SOUP! There it is! Give it on up to homelessville! That's just plain fun.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


Thanks to Brie for this one:

HAHAHAHAHA! That is kind of hilarious in a sad and frighteningly true sort of way... erm... so... how about that weather, eh? Is that crazy, or WHAT?

I got 99 Problems...

... and potato latke mix ain't one! (I found it yesterday. Woot!) But there really are a lot of problems right now. Like how my refrigerator froze my damn cottage cheese. I totally wanted to eat it, but noooooooooooooooooooo it had to be frozen. Seriously, the one time I actually have a craving for something healthy and I can't have it. BOO-URNS TO YOU, FRIDGE!

Another problem: errands. I hate them, but it seems as though I have a lot of them to get done these days. Friggin Christmas. That sucks. The good news is that I got a few done yesterday, so that was pretty okay.

Next up: lack of storage space in my room. It looks like it has been hit by a friggin' tornado. I just don't have the room for all the furniture I require. I need another dresser like CRAZY, but there is no room for one. It is hardcore lame. I'm going to keep brainstorming this one though. There has got to be a way. As of this moment, my only solution is to make my room bigger by about a million square feet. (NOTE: I have no idea how big a square foot actually is, so it is impossible for me to tell you how much more room I actually need. It is probably way smaller than a million.)

Oy, the stress! Wah.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

You rock, baby!

The above title can be taken literally, as I am about to blow your minds with the awesomest baby picture you have ever seen. Get ready to rock out with baby Lukas!!!

SERIOUSLY. HOW FRIGGIN' CUTE IS THIS???? I understand that he is probably actually crying, but when I first saw it I imagined that he was yelling something like "FIIIIRE!" or "COME ONNNN!" And do you not see how he is making the little rock fists? I love it.

You've done well, Sheldon and Jackie. I love your work.

The lazy lunch.

This morning I decided that I was going to eat nothing but a giant portion of edamame for lunch. I even packed some salt to sprinkle over it. Yummmmmmmmm.

BUT... I worry about what this will do to my rep at work. They already think I am a total hippie because I like to eat vegetarian food sometimes and I am a fan of organic food. Now I am going to go down there and eat nothing but soybean pods and an organic apple? I might as well have come to work wearing Birkenstocks and wool socks.

Am I a hippie? God, I hope not... but I actually kind of enjoy the taste of granola. But I totally hate the smell of patchouli, so I think I'm still safe. That stuff smells like dirt, for reals.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Thanks, self!

So I had another day off today, and this time it was all about me. I bought myself two awesomely awesome presents and had a grand ol' time doing so. I'm so excited about my new stuff!

ITEM #1:

Bumble and Bumble Hair Powder! This stuff is going to give me great hair when I'm waiting for my new haircut. Woot! I WILL HAVE VOLUME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fabulous.

ITEM #2:

MY HANUKKAH LIGHTS!!!!!!!!! I love them so friggin much. I put them up at home, and now it looks a little more festive up in this biatch. I'm starting to get really excited about Hanukkah. It starts on Friday night... and I still have so much left to do! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love it.

This is going to be the best Hanukkah ever.

Monday, December 11, 2006


In order to make up for the trauma inflicted upon me earlier by Il Divo (more like EL DIABLO, if you ask me...) karma payed me back with something awesome. There is a stupid Christmas song playing right now... it is called "Christmas Is Coming" by the Payolas. The fantastic part about this song is that there is this fantastic little guitar riff that makes it sound like the theme song from Beverly Hills 90210! Now THAT is amazing.

Merry Christmas Brandon! You too, Dylan. (We can have makeouts in the quad later, okay?) Kelly, Brenda and Steve... best wishes for a festive holiday season (and BFF, right? RIGHT?) AND A BIG OL' HAPPY HANUKKAH TO DAVID SILVER! Andrea... whatever, nobody likes you anyways. Nerd.

Well, it was fun while it lasted...

Holy shit. Just when I thought things could not possibly get any worse, the ladies in my department broke out the old Il Divo Christmas album. It was traumatizing. I am still trying to recover from the severe psychological damage this has caused me. I don't know that I will ever get over it.

But then it got even worse. I was searching for a clip of them singing "Over the Rainbow", (because I think it is morally wrong for grown men to be singing that song and I thought you needed to see it) when I found this instead. It is like my worst nightmare has come to life. Seriously. You need to see this.

All I can say is that you should probably stock up on fire-proof umbrellas, because I'm pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. *shudder*

Friday, December 08, 2006

Boney M is back in full effect...


Mostly because the ladies in my office were feeling festive and listened to it ALL DAY. It's bad enough that we have to listen to mom music all day, but now this??? I swear, someone out there is very angry with me... I'm pretty sure this was not an attempt by random programmers to appease listeners, but rather a targeted attack against yours truly. WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO THEM?? I bet the mall people put them up to it. Those bitches have been doing this to me every year since birth!

I tried to lessen the blow by listening to internet radio all day, but I can still hear it. Damn my sensitive ears! *sigh*

I'm trying to be a good sport about this whole Christmas thing, so I'd like to share with you one of the few Christmas songs I actually like. (Yes, there is at least one.) I hope you like it.

Oi to the world, indeed. Major props and raising of a lop-sided roof to the Vandals for that one.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Pump up the Volume

I have flat hair, and I hate it. It is all good right after I get a haircut and Alan makes it look all fancy and fabulous. But then it starts to grow out and BLAH. Flat city, sister!

It is unfortunate timing that I was not able to get a hair appointment before my Christmas party. Ack! My outfit is so cute, that I just can't handle having bad hair to go with it. So this is my solution:


Yeah. This stuff runs about $50 a bottle, but word on the street is that is works magic. Magic, I say! It will give me the ooomph my hair needs, plus it has colour in it, so you won't see my awful roots as much. I am kind of excited about it. Hooray for science!

Rumble in the Bronx

The number one (#1) thing you need to know about me if you cross my path on a semi-regular basis is that it really does not take much to piss me off. Kind of have a short fuse. I think that becomes pretty obvious after hanging out with me for about an hour, when I get irrationally angry at a bird or a mailbox and proceed to talk about it non-stop for the next 45 mins. I know this about myself. Most have come to accept it as an endearing personality quirk.

But others just don't get it.

Case in point: today I got kind of furious at a co-worker. Said individual has known me for about a year, so even if I hadn't ever gotten directly angry at them, they surely must have heard the rumours by now. So you would think they would know better than to imply that I am a liar. Oh yes, it happened. And this is the part where I go on a rampage, albeit a quiet-ish one. A serious rumble was about to go down. I was seriously ready to get all Jackie Chan vs. the Hovercraft on this person.

But I didn't. I calmed down and dealt with the situation the way any mature adult would. I proved I was right and will now giggle with glee knowing that I won. Hooray for maturity!

Hey Christmas, are you feeling okay?

I am concerned about Christmas. I think it has the flu.


I can't even flee to the mountains. Nowhere is safe.

Ewwwww. It even threw up on the hospital. But I guess they are used to that sort of thing.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Welcome back, Kotter.

I came back to to work today after a lovely 4 day weekend. To be perfectly honest with you, I wasn't totally happy about the situation. I became less happy about it when I opened the door to my office and to my horror, saw this hanging from my desk in a festive manner:

Yes. That is tinsel garland. With stars in it. Mine is silver and red. It is shiny. It wreaks of Christmas cheer and I hate it.

I prefer my decor to remain neutral throughout the holiday season, because non-denominational is the new... denominational. Haven't you heard?

This year, the only exception to this rule will be the Hanukkah lights, should I actually get them. (I really hope I do. They are awesome.)

HOWEVER, I am choosing to be a team player and will leave the tinsel on my desk. This is actually more of a selfish move because it gives me a reason to be grumpy, and I loves me some grumpiness. Especially at this time of year. Hmmmpf.

PS: If you are a shopping mall and happen to be reading this, I just want you to know how much you totally suck right now. I mean it, man. You are a total jerk for telling everyone to come visit you when you know you do not have enough parking to accommodate everyone. Perhaps you should peruse THIS to prevent this situation from occurring in the future.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Hooray for the Big Brother!

My brother is 6 years older than I am, and I used to think that perhaps that was one of the big reasons for the weird relationship we have. When I was little, he was always really good about having to tow me around everywhere and was always making sure I stayed out of trouble. (Not like I could ever find it! I was a delightful child. Ask anyone.) But somewhere along the line, things changed.

When my brother became a teenager the entire dynamic in our household changed. He was impossible to deal with and was always in trouble for something. For a very long time all we ever did was fight with each other. It didn't get much better after he moved out. For a long time I didn't even speak to him or see him, because I couldn't handle being around him. I was so utterly disappointed with the way he chose to live and his behavior.

From the age of about 10 or 11, I had to be the big sister to my sister AND my brother. I was the first one to do everything, because my brother had messed everything up. I was the first one to go to college, the first one to buy a car, the first one to start a career. I didn't mind being the responsible, grown up one... I just kind of feel like he got ripped off.

But today, something brilliant happened. He finally beat me to the punch on something. My big brother, whom I thought would never get his head on straight, got engaged! I can't even tell you how happy I am for them. I'm proud of you, brother. Now I will finally get to follow your lead for once.

PS: Picking out engagement rings really is as fun as it sounds, ladies! Even if it is not for you. Apparently I have excellent taste in bling, so if you should ever need advice I am available for consultations.

PPS: I really want a diamond. Really, really bad. It would be pretty okay if there were a man that came with the deal too. I'm just putting it out there, people.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Me = Friggin' amazing.

So I think I want to take back what I said about the boyfriend thing. Why? BECAUSE I THREW OUT THE MOUSE ALL BY MYSELF. That's right, kids. I handled that ALL BY MYSELF.

I am terribly impressed with myself for doing so, and I think you should be proud of me too, damnit! It was pretty funny when I told the landlords about the situation and they both said "I'm so proud of you!"

I'm proud of me too. Woot.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Why not having a boyfriend is LAME: Reason #347.

So every now and again I like to go out for a few beers after work on Fridays. It is just plain good times. When I made it home all by myself on the bus this evening (without falling!) I considered it to be kind of a personal victory. Especially since I made a huge fuss about how I didn't need to take a cab and refused to take donations for cab fare. (In hindsight, it is never dumb to take a cab. Ever.)

However, all my feelings about being proudly independent rapidly vanished upon arrival at home when I opened the bathroom door to find yet another (yes, ANOTHER) dead mouse on the bathmat. I am kind of spazzing out right now. It is a very surreal moment for me. I am sitting on the sofa, watching the music video for Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" and thinking about the dead fucking mouse in my bathroom. Just think about it for a moment. I have been drinking since about 5 in the afternoon. I kind of need to use said bathroom. My bladder is not bionic. But I can't. Because there is a dead mouse in there. I am too drunk to drive anywhere else, otherwise I'd be halfway to my parents' house in Surrey right now. There is no way around it. I am going to have to deal with this mouse bullshit. ALONE. I have nowhere else to go.


An open letter to boys:

Dear Boys,

I am kind of totally annoyed with you for not asking me out on dates. I blame you for this mouse situation, because had you asked me on dates I might have a boyfriend right now and HE could be dealing with this frigging mouse situation. So yeah. You suck. But still consider dating me. I am super fun.



PS: I hate you, cat who brought the mouse in through the open window. I hate you SO HARD.

PPS: Frig, man.

Too Much Booty in da pants, DANCE!

This morning I got really excited when I heard "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by Scissor Sisters on the radio. ON THE RADIO!!!! It was way cool. ANYWAYS, ever since I heard that this morning I could not stop thinking about how much I love dancing. I totally feel like dancing RIGHT NOW. I totally am, actually. Chair dancing.

SO ANYWAYS... the urge to dance caused me to think about this great television moment, which I would like to share with you. At the time of airing, this was some pretty sweet friggin' choreography. I hope you love it.

NOTE: I'll have you know that I can TOTALLY rock this dance right now. It would blow your mind. Just give me a day to memorize the moves.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

It has officially started. It is officially crap. I officially hate it.


I hate Christmas music, man. It is so lame. It is always about how people loooooooove people and how everyone is happy and how it is totally not even the most stressful time of year at all. So basically, it is all lies. Except for the Hanukkah song. That one is awesome.

I only like the Christmas songs that tell the truth. So for your viewing/listening pleasure, I give you an honest Christmas song, which exposes the plight of the sweatshop labourers (elves) that work so hard to make your Christmas gifts. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM, JERKS.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Fun with the internet!

So, I was messing about on the interweb of lies when I found THIS page. It takes your name or any word you tell it to and puts it into a movie quote. Just look at what it came up with for me:

First rule of Sarah Club is - you do not talk about Sarah Club.

That's right, jerks. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT SARAH CLUB. You can, however, talk about this blog and how awesome it is.

What to do on a freezing cold Tuesday.

So it was my first vacation day in YEARS yesterday, and I sure as hell wasn't about to waste it on account of the freezing temperatures. So what did I do? I ATE ME SOME DAMN BARBECUE!

Memphis Blues, how have I gone this long without you? So delicious. I ate enough meat to fill my quota for the rest of the month, and I loved every minute of it. SO GOOD. I don't want to eat anything but barbecue for the rest of my life. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I'm so totally going back there a million times over.

The other reason it was such a pleasant experience is because the most lovely looking man came in to eat. He was positively gorgeous. He wore glasses. You all know I'm a sucker for a hot man in glasses. *swoon* Now if only I could learn how to talk to them, we'd be set.

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

The Good:

I have the day off tomorrow! Woot! I haven't missed a single day of work in about 2 years, so this is a very novel concept for me. Whatever will I do with my time? If I had gone grocery shopping YESTERDAY, the answer to that would be "sitting around in sweatpants eating soup and drinking hot chocolate." But alas, I have neither soup nor hot chocolate. That is weak.

Also good: how pretty it looks when you look out the window, the yummy thai peanut curry I just made and the fact that I totally just watched the movie "Mannequin" and now that awesome Starship song is playing in the credits.

The Bad:

It is approx. -150 degrees in my house right now. Fucking basements. I have the flippin space heater on, but it is not strong enough for the job.

Also bad: I cut my finger today, ending my 1 day injury free streak. And to think, I was doing so well!

The Ugly:

The ice rink that once was the street I live on. I think this will likely prevent me from doing much on my day off, on account of the SHITTY DRIVING CONDITIONS. Wah.

I am also slightly annoyed about the fact that I put together a killer outfit for my office Christmas party, yet it will be wasted, as I have no date. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?????? Frig.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

I blame the inner ear problems I had as a child...

Yo! What's the haps? is pleased to present a story of an incredible Saturday night, told in two parts. Enjoy!

PART I: "How did I not know about this? It is the most amazing thing ever!"

SO... Amanda and I decided to head over to Granville Island Brewery to indulge in a taster round. It was totally awesome, because I discovered that they make CHOCOLATE BEER. YES, M-effers. I said CHOCOLATE BEER. It is delicious. You should probably try it. Yummmmmm.

PART II: "What the hell, man? How did I end up on the sidewalk?"

I still don't understand the answer to this, but whatevs, man. Whatevs. So here's the story. Upon leaving Sammy J's with Amanda and Platypus, I fell victim to a rogue tree branch in the middle of the sidewalk. I know what you are thinking. What the hell was a tree branch doing in the middle of the sidewalk on Granville Island? I DON'T KNOW. There aren't even any friggin' trees around there, yo! What the frig? So yeah. I was in mid sentence of what I'm sure was some hilarious anecdote when BOOM! suddenly I'm on the ground in some lame-o 1990's looking jazz dance pose. The hilarious part is that I didn't stop talking. It went like this: "Blah, blah, blah...*falling down occurs here* Holy crap, yo. I totally just fell down!" I sat there for a second, trying to assess the situation before I got up and walked away. I am still friggin' confused about how it happened. I think it is because a) I habitually drag my feet when I wear my snow boots and b) I had inner ear problems as a child.

So the moral of the story is, that sometimes you drink delicious Granville Island Lions Winter Ale and fall down afterwards, despite the fact that you are totally not even drunk like you were that one time when you screamed like an ambulance in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

What? You didn't do that? Me neither. I was just making that up... you know, to illustrate a point and whatnot. GOODNIGHT.

Friday, November 24, 2006


Okay, Pandora. You are officially forgiven, despite the fact that you still refuse to play "Shaking the Tree". How did you redeem yourself?

You played THIS on my Bruce Springsteen station:

Now THAT is funny. I think even the Boss himself would appreciate that kind of humour.

Thursday, November 23, 2006


So I totally love Target. Everyone knows this. I was just there last weekend and bought some good stuff. It was awesome. But now I am mad at Target. So very, very mad. Why? Because of these:

They are only the COOLEST lights I have EVER seen! I want them so bad. It will make my Christmukkah celebration complete! (Hey, I celebrated Christmukkah WAY before the OC was on, so don't even go there, jerks.) ANYWAYS, I totally want them. However, they are not sold in the stores so I was all prepared to order them online when... GASP!!! To my horror, I discovered that they do not ship to Canada!

This is an injustice. I'm never going to find these anywhere else! Crud. SO MUCH FOR THE GOOD TIMES I WOULD HAVE HAD WITH MY NEW HANUKKAH LIGHTS. Target sucks so hard right now. So hard.

I'm sorry I missed you, Bobby.

Last night I got to watch the premiere screening of Bobby. I was pretty excited about it, mostly because of the Emilio Estevez factor. Whenever I think of Emilio, I immediately think of The Mighty Ducks. I can't help it. That's just the kind of thing that sticks with you, you know? So ANYWAYS, I was very excited about the movie. It turns out that I had good reason to be so excited. It was really great. I mean it... really, really great.

The thing about this movie that really blew my mind is that despite being set in 1968, he managed to create a reflection of today's political landscape, and that really freaked me out. To think that it is 2006, and we are basically in the exact same situation as we were back then is kind of terrifying to me. Watching the archival footage of Bobby Kennedy's speeches got me very emotional... I almost cried, because the whole time I was thinking, "Holy shit, we need this guy right now." We really do. I mean, there was a scene where he was talking to school children about pollution and how we have to start protecting the environment. THIS WAS IN 1968. 1968!!!!! I was amazed to see that this guy had such foresight... how different would things have turned out if he had become president? It truly amazed me.

We need a new Bobby Kennedy. I hope we find one. (ARE YOU LISTENING, BARACK OBAMA?? If you are, I totally love you in the high school crush kind of way.)

So yeah. Go see this movie. If it almost made me cry, you know it's good. (NOTE: I don't think I have cried since the late 90's, due to being "dead inside".)

PS: It should also be noted that in the car on the way home I suddenly shrieked when I realised something: "OH MY GOD! JOSHUA JACKSON WAS TOTALLY IN THE MIGHTY DUCKS WITH EMILIO ESTEVEZ!!! THAT IS TOTALLY WHY HE WAS IN THIS MOVIE!!! AMAZING."

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Huzzah! It's FINALLY HERE!!!!

So I have many more important things to talk about, but I think this really deserves a post all to itself. I have been waiting for AGES (read - a couple of weeks) for someone to post this video on YouTube and it finally came! It is a prime example of how song choice in movies and television is so friggin' important. If they had chosen any other song, this would not have been as awesomely hilarious. Enjoy.

TUNA, ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? So great. I am so happy that I work in an office where people sing ALL THE TIME. It is seriously fantastic. People seem to enjoy my versions of "Love on the Rocks" and "Father Figure".

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Uncle Jesse, where are you???

There are some things that seriously only ever happen on tv. These are things like how whenever Zack Morris gets crazy news it is right after he has gulped a mouthful of soda, so he ends up spitting it out all over the table. Or like how some cute dude spills coffee on a chick and they end up getting married. Or like how when you are walking to work down Cambie street and you totally get splashed by a fricking dump truck, resulting in soaking wet pants.


It was like it happened in slow motion... I saw the truck coming fast... I saw the puddle... I ran backwards... I threw myself against a fence to try to get as far away as possible... it hit the puddle... but I never had a chance! SPLOOOOOOSH! Water flew 10 feet in the air! I was hit by a wave of muddy water and before I knew it, I was standing there with soaked pants and my best angry face. It was not a pleasant walk to work. It was cold. So I bought myself a coffee to make up for it.

Luckily, the ladies I work with are totally awesome and gave me a heater to put under my desk to dry my pants. Good times. Why does this rediculous stuff always happen to me? Grrrrr.


Monday, November 20, 2006

Remember the good times we used to have?

Dear Pandora,

Remember when Dave first showed you to me and I thought you were super awesome because I made a radio station based around the song "Apache" by the Sugarhill Gang and it was effing amazing???? Yeah. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

Today I suddenly wanted to listen to the fantastic Peter Gabriel song "Shaking the Tree". So I made a station for it. I listened all day. You did not play "Shaking the Tree". In fact, none of the songs you played even sounded like "Shaking the Tree". I am very upset about this. Now I will have to go home and illegally download it from the internet and I am super pissed about it because it will probably take 12 years due to the shitty internet connection.

So really, I just have one question for you, Pandora. I think you really need to sit down and think about this long and hard before you come back with a stupid-assed technical nerd answer.

What the hell does WHAM! have to do with Peter Gabriel?

I love WHAM! (and who doesn't? That shit is fun.) but I do not want to hear it when I am trying to listen to SHAKING THE TREE. So until you can play me some Shaking the Tree, you can frig off, Pandora. Frig right the heck off.

Yours truly,



So for the past week I have totally been a Sneezy Sneezerson and I can't figure out why. At first I blamed it on the dang cats, but then I was sneezing like crazy at work and we totally don't have any cats at work. So that is probably not the reason. Then I thought that maybe I am actually getting sick... but it hasn't really progressed beyond all the sneezing. So basically, I am very confused as to why I am sneezing so dang much.

This morning I developed a new theory, though. I think that maybe I am allergic to myself. It makes perfect sense! Everywhere I go I am sneezing... and I am everywhere I go! It is the only possible explanation. (Besides maybe DUST which I am also allergic to... and then again maybe I am actually fighting off a cold.) But really... WHO KNOWS???? Not me.

I seriously feel like ass. I want to sleep more. It would be 100% wicked awesome if I were at home in bed right now. But I am not... because there is work to be done. Which I must go and continue to do. I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE A BREAK EVERY NOW AND THEN. So you can just relax there, Judgy Judgerson.

Friday, November 17, 2006

The word of the day!

I thought it was about time for me to try something new, so I decided to make a new feature for today. It is the word of the day! Learning is fun, so I'm pretty sure you are going to like this.

Today's word is: TURBIDITY.


turbidity - the reason we are all being forced to take it up the ass and PAY FOR OUR FREAKING DRINKING WATER.

Alternate definition:

turbidity - total bullcrap!!!!!!!!

And that concludes today's lesson. Tell your friends! Share the knowledge!

Dude, I totally missed you...

... I really fucking missed you. You won't understand why for about another week. So, my muffins, what did you do last night? I fucking rocked... and fucking rolled... like this:

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Eine Maus in meinem Haus!


So last night I was woken up by a little rustling noise. My first thought was, "It's a fucking mouse. A FUCKING MOUSE. IN MY ROOM." So I jolted up, turned on the light and searched for evidence. There was totally nothing there, so I tried to go back to sleep. But then I heard it again. This happened 3 times, but I couldn't find anything. I was totally freaked out because mice are gross, so I couldn't sleep very well.

I did manage to get back to sleep for but a short time before being woken up again, this time by Lydia freaking out because the mouse was under her bed, for reals! I don't blame the girl for freaking... that shit is disturbing.

Apparently, there was only one mouse and it is now dead, thanks to the cat and is now awaiting burial at the hands of the landlord because you know neither of us are going anywhere NEAR that business.

This happens pretty much once a year, usually in the winter. It is downright terrifying and every time it happens I think that I need to move to a mouse free zone. If only mouse free zones were cheaper... *sigh*

PS: Prior to the mouse incident (which I think was expertly handled by miss Erin) we had a lovely time doing the main street tea crawl with Brie! You should probably visit that link so that you can read her post all about it and see the photographic evidence, as I am much too tired to post it myself at the moment. This is what happens when you have a mouse and you have to get up early. But anyways, go there!

Friday, November 10, 2006

I hate you and I'm sorry.

Last night Craig, Mary and I were having a conversation about something and I suddenly realised how often I say the word hate. Craig never ever says it... yet it is my standard reply to people when they make me mad. In fact, I just said it 3 times to someone at work in about 2 minutes. I remember when I was little, everytime I said it my dad would say, "Now Sarah, hate is a really strong word..." and then I would usually reply with "Good, cause I meant it!" It's kind of like it has lost all meaning to me. How odd.

Then we started talking about when our parents would make us apologize to our siblings after we fought. Whilst Craig probably gave polite, sincere apologies to his sister, the best mine ever got out of me was "I'm sorry. I'M SORRY YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!" Indeed, I was a lovely child.

So basically, I guess the point is that if I have told you that I hate you I probably didn't mean it. But I probably won't ever apologize for it either. But don't worry, buttercup. We are still friends. I love you guys!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Last night I popped in for a coffee at Bean Around the World on Main and I really didn't think anything weird was going to happen, except for the case of the "caffeine crazies" that was likely to develop after my first sip of Americano deliciousness. But I was wrong.

On the way out the door to the patio, Jess was stopped by this dude with crazy hair who was wearing some sort of hippie getup and holding a guitar. They appeared to know each other, so I didn't think it was weird when we sat down with him. He started chatting away about his guitar playing progress and was really enthusiastic about the whole thing, which I thought was nice.

Then he turned the focus of the conversation to me.

"What do you do Sarah? Do you work? What do you do? I'd like to know."

I gave him a sort of vague answer without telling him what I really do or where I really work.

"Ummm... kind of like... advertising and stuff, but not really."

"Oh my god, that's so great! But you know what? I really hate advertising, I think it's total bullshit...."

And so began the rant about media ownership and how advertising is ruining the universe and how we need to start a grassroots movement about somethingorother and BLAH BLAH BLAH. It went on for about 10 minutes. I did not say a single word. He just talked and talked and talked while I sat there, baffled and kind of amazed. I still have no idea what he was saying to me.

Oh yeah, did I mention that after about the 2 minute mark Jess left the table and left me there alone to fend for myself. SO THANKS FOR THAT.

ANYWAYS, when he finally stopped talking we finally made it outside to the patio where we got about 10 mins free from this crazy man. Just when I thought he was gone, he walked over to us and said excitedly, "Oh! There was one more thing I wanted to tell you. I'll make it quick."

He turned around to face the street and yelled, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He started giggling and said "I love doing that. People really freak out when I do that. But it is important that we remind them."

Mmmmmkay. You just do that then, CRAZY.

So the moral of the story is, if you want to drink your coffee in peace, avoid the hippy guitar player who looks like Art Garfunkel with dark hair. You might just save 20 mins of your time that you could have used to ponder the significance of pocket lint. Just trust me on that.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Yesterday was a most fantastic Tuesday. I can tell you why by using very few words:


Eff yeah!

The playlist is so wicked awesome. I rocked out. Hard. So hard. And you can too... if you come to my house and play it... or you buy it yourself. Either way, you won't be sorry.

Ummm... yeah. I am totally not that good yet. But I have heart, and everyone knows that the most intense rocking comes from the heart. (And also from rocketsauce, which I totally have to the extreme for reals.) Eff yeah.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Super crazy party fun time!

As a 25 year old single gal, people seem to think that I go home every night and party it up, sorority-style. I don't know why they think this, but they do. Yesterday I sought to prove them right. That's right. I decided to party on a Monday. So I did. With these guys:


It was seriously awesome. Jess and I were the youngest ones there, so compared to the 60 year old ladies I kind of felt like maybe I looked okay in a swimsuit. Here is a list of reasons why aquafit is so goddamn awesome:

  1. You can make new friends who can probably teach you how to knit or cook a turkey.
  2. There is an awesome soundtrack comprised of 90's dance hits (I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!) and Barry White.
  3. Your workout comes complete with super gay aerobics instructor who cannot stop smiling and is so enthusiastic that he jumps in the pool with his shoes on.
  4. It is actually kind of an intense workout.
  5. When you make jokes the old people think you are hilarious.
  6. You get an extra workout for your abs due to all the laughing you will do.

So basically what I am saying is that there really is no downside to this aquafit business. SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO IT. You won't be sorry. Until next time...

I'll see you bitches at the Y!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Short is the new long.

Today I thought I would expand my horizons by shrinking my hemlines. I wore a short skirt to work. Eep! It's cool though, because I am on board with this whole skirt with leggings business. I must say, I am totally glad that this is en vogue at the moment because you can wear a short skirt without worrying about your butt showing because you are technically wearing pants. It is actually quite a brilliant scheme. Plus, the leggings are black so they make my legs look nicer than they actually are. Woot!

The downside to all of this is that people keep looking at me strangely. I can't figure out if the looks mean a) "That looks cute, high five!" b) "You look like a damn fool." c) "That is hardly work appropriate... take it to the mall, kid!" or if they are just in shock about seeing me in a skirt at all, much less a short one. Who knows.

ANYWAYS, I totally decided to buy Guitar Hero II tomorrow instead of trying to get Guitar Hero I for cheap. Why? BECAUSE II IS GOING TO ROCK SO MUCH HARDER. It costs $90 (EEP!) which is quite a hefty investment considering that I will have to give up the PS2 when Dave comes back home in 6 months. BUT I DON'T CARE. This thing is going to provide me with hours of entertainment and will likely do the same for Dave when he comes back home. I seriously can't wait to rock out to Strutter and Carry On My Wayward Son. EFF YEAH!

Now, there is one last matter to be discussed. I have been waiting all week for someone to post a video from last week's episode of the Office because it was so goddamn hilarious. This is not the clip I was looking for, but it is equally fantastic. Ohhhhhhh, Jim.

But seriously, this episode made me love Andy even more. How can you not love him? The dude keeps a bottle of Jagermeister in his desk. I wish he sat in front of me at work.

Friday, November 03, 2006

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains...

Well friends, it is a Friday and you know what that means... I battled the SHITSTORM. So, I thought I would share with you one of my coping strategies for those rough days.

I do this a lot.

No, seriously. A lot.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

How to win your office costume contest.

Listen up, kids. I'm going to tell you how to win "best costume" without even really trying. It doesn't even matter that we didn't actually HAVE a costume contest at work, but it was pretty much unanimous that I totally won. Here is the magic formula:

Dress up like someone you work with. It seriously kills EVERY TIME. Today, I dressed up like my esteemed collegue Platypus. People were seriously freaking out over it. What did I do? I wore my normal clothes and put on a toque. He wears a toque because he hates his haircut at the moment. It really could not have been more simple.

The results? I am now a legend in Halloween costuming in this office. It is seriously hilarious. Though I am getting quite tired of people calling me by his name instead of my own. If they keep doing it tomorrow I am going to be seriously pissed.

ANYWAYS, the point is that if you pick someone in the office that has a certain "look" about them and has a fairly good sense of humour, it will go over like gangbusters. Woot.

Monday, October 30, 2006

You know you are in the right line of work when...

... at your Monday morning meeting everyone else's answer to "How was your weekend?" starts off with "Dude, I was sooooo hungover..."

I'm glad I wasn't the only one.

I am so sorry, liver. I really appreciate the work you do.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Wow. Just... Wow.

I love this. So much that I can't even really talk about it. Just... watch. And appreciate.

Ohhhhhhhhhh, work. I love you.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Love is real... real is love...

And I assure you, my new found love is 100% for real. Want to see?

One day, my love. One day we will be together.

It should be noted that when I first saw these boots I actually gasped. They literally took my breath away. Just like when I saw Pierce Brosnan in his casual wear. *swoon*

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Who's the boss?

NOT ME!!!!! (Except of dinner. I am totally the boss of my dinner. I always make the decisions in that department.)

Today it was brought to my attention that I am A TOTAL LOSER because I am the boss of nobody, nor will I ever get to be in the near future. It sucks. I want to be the boss of people. I'm a bully, so it's only natural.

I am the boss of this blog... which sounds really cool and important but I am the only one posting on here, so it doesn't really count. I am the boss of my bank account, which I suppose is good practice for the day that I am the ACTUAL boss of something and I need to "crunch the numbers" and budget things.

I am suddenly terrified of going through my entire working life and never being the boss of anything or anybody. Now I am going to have nightmares about it until I figure out a plan for being upwardly mobile... which will probably be NEVER because I am lazy. That's a catch-44 for SURE!

Fuck, I'm neurotic. You think this is funny, but I will seriously continue to freak out about this for the next 4-6 years. I was fine about not being the boss yesterday... but now one of my friends is the boss of SO MANY PEOPLE and now I feel inadequate. And so begins the panic.

I am totally starting a band and calling it PANIC! At the Workplace. Can you think of anything that rhymes with "Tony Micelli"? *sigh*

This one is for all the lovers out there...

Yesterday when I got on the bus to go home, I saw something so bizarre that I almost couldn't believe it.

Through the window of the Dairy Queen I saw a couple sitting in the back corner booth. They were sharing a banana split. I bet you know how I felt about that. If you said "Awwwww that is soooooooooo adorable!" THEN YOU HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES. Quite frankly, I found the whole scene appalling. Sharing ice cream... WHATEVER! If I'm going to Dairy Queen, you're damn right I'm getting my OWN ice cream. Pffffft.

But seriously... why is it that people who are in looooooooooooove have to friggin SHOW it all the time? I don't need to see that, man. Keep it to yourself. I mean, I really love yams but you don't hear me talking about it all the time, do you? I don't carry yams around in my purse so that I can caress them in public spaces, do I? NO. BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD. SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT WITH PEOPLE EITHER.

I think I have found a solution that will allow lovers and haters to each live in peace... send the lovers to Virginia. Apparently, Virginia is just for them. I saw it on a t-shirt. That way, the rest of us who are not in love will be free to have swinging good times without ever having to be reminded of our un-coupledness. WOOT.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006


I love candy. So hard. It always makes me happy and it tastes like magic. Alas, I rarely ever have any on hand. So you can imagine my joy when I went looking for some and Platypus supplied me with strawberry licorice AND strawberry-ice cream flavoured Chupa Chups! Total score. Thanks, frend. I needed that. Yummmmmm. Candy.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Help me help you.

Dear Gamblers Anonymous,

I know you have problems with the gambling and I understand that it is very hard to deal with. That is why I am offering my services as a councellor. You talk, I listen. I am a very good listener, you know. I will gladly listen to you talk about your feelings regarding the gambling. Perhaps it might help you to get into specifics, like how one might best go about betting on NFL football. It's all in the details you know. Just get it all out there. I'm here for you man. I'm here for you.

So yeah, any time you are ready to talk about things... like say... how you used to go about making football picks and how that made you feel, you just let me know.



PS: This has nothing to do with the fact that I keep losing the football pool. Not at all. I just want to help... as totally un-selfish people are wont to do.

Friday, October 20, 2006

20 Years Ago Today

It was totally 1986. I was at my grandma's house rocking out to Duran Duran, cause I was a fucking cool 5 year old. My mom was in the hospital. Why?


That's right, kids. My baby sister turns 20 today. Oh, they grow up so fast...

Happy Birthday, sister! You're not so bad after all. But just think how you would have turned out if I wasn't around. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN!

Thursday, October 19, 2006


I'll TELL you what is up. I AM. It is 11:00. In the PM. I should be in bed by now. But I am not. Here is why.

I put a load of laundry in when I got home at 9. When the machine turned off and I went to switch it over to the dryer it was dripping wet and covered in fucking soap. So I had to start the load over again. Time passed. The machine seemed to be taking a really long time, so I went to check it. It was halfway through the cycle. More time passed. I went back up to check it again. It was still halfway through the cycle. IT GOT STUCK. So I tried to unstick it. It seemed kind of okay. Now I am still waiting. I am PISSED OFF. I still have to put that shit in the dryer. I WILL BE UP UNTIL FUCKING MIDNIGHT AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE THE FUCKING WASHER IS FUCKING BROKEN.

And if I knock on the door and tell my landlords they will shoot me in the face because they are in bed and the baby is sleeping and it is past 11, so technically I am breaking the laundry rules. FUCK THE LAUNDRY RULES. IT IS YOUR STUPID FAULT FOR HAVING A BROKEN FRIGGING APPLIANCE.

I hate my life right now. I am so tired I want to cry.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Weeds. Awesome. Watch it.

So I am watching Weeds right now and just heard the best line EVER:

U-Turn: "Yo, this here is Teenia. She's studyin that cosmenology."
Teenia: "It's COS-MET-OLOGY."
U-Turn: "Girl, I'll throw this beer on you! Say somethin' else!"

And then, of course, there is Snoop Dogg rappin' about the MILF Weed. Check it, yo.

I love it when white people dance to the hip-hop music.

Hold onto your hats, ladies!

You might be wondering why I am instructing the ladies to hold onto their hats. (Actually, gents should do the same.) It is because I'm 'bout to blow your friggin' mind. Seriously. This brand new story I have is so crazy that you might possibly just fall over because you will not believe it. So get ready...

Guess where I went yesterday? (HINT: It was NOT the zoo.)


I went to....


I KNOW! HOLY CRAP, RIGHT? That's what I said after minute 10 of the elliptical workout when I was pretty sure I was going to pass out. But I did not. It was crazy. I kind of enjoyed it.

If I start going there kind of regularly, will you still love me? (I'll just tell you right now that you will probably love me even more because I will still be cute and funny but I will also have a SPECTACULAR looking ass. Oh, come ON! Don't act like you've never checked it out.)

Monday, October 16, 2006

The No Fun Club.

This morning when I was making my tea I managed to cut myself and I started bleeding. It was no fun. No fun at all. So I put on a Pirate band-aid. But it didn't really fit right because it was not the long kind... it was more like those square kind. Those do not work well on fingers. It was annoying.

But do you know what was even more annoying?

When I cut myself AGAIN on the same finger and started bleeding AGAIN. That was even more not fun. The pirate band-aid just doesn't work for this kind of injury. I might need to make a special trip to purchase more novelty band-aids in the long shapes. *sigh*

Other things about today that are not fun:

  • being exposed to some unknown virusy business by two people who were throwing up last night but came to work anyways. I COULD BE INCUBATING IT NOW. THANKS A LOT. (BTW... I hope you feel better, Platypus. Just know that if I catch your disease that I will be in the mood for revenge after I am well again.)
  • I am super tired due to being disturbed in my sleep by phantom callers. (See below.)
  • I heard that goddamn Titanic song today on the radio. It was like I was trapped in a prison (not unlike Guantanamo because that is a super bad prison to be in.) except that this prison was worse than that because it was in HELL. ACTUAL HELL. It was that awful for me.
  • I have to clean my room when I get home because I made a total mess in there. I hate cleaning. Cleaning is no fun. Cleaning is for babies. (NOTE: If babies were actually in charge of cleaning things then I would totally want one. But since they do pretty much the opposite of cleaning, I do not want one. Like, EVER.)

The End.

Have you no decency????

Those who know me well know that I loves me some sleepin'. It is quite possibly my favourite thing in the world. I really do love it. So when you wake me from my golden slumber then I kind of want to shoot you in the face.

This morning my phone rang at 5am. 5:00! AM! It was a withheld number. I did not answer it because IT WAS 5 FUCKING AM and I really could not have formed complete sentences at the time. But here's the kicker: if you are calling me at 5am, I would assume that whatever you need to talk to me about it sort of important... BUT IT WAS NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LEAVE A MESSAGE.

Stupid jerks.

The moral of the story? Don't wake me up unless it is for something reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good like "Hey, you totally just won a million dollars" or "Hey, George Clooney is here and we wants to marry you." or "Hey, it snowed 4 feet and so you don't have to go to work... you can totally sleep in." Those would all be acceptable. But I would probably still be a little grumpy. Grrrr.

Friday, October 13, 2006

No lonely hearts allowed!

I was walking home today and I heard the most hilarious thing. There was this Dad and a kid getting out of a car. They had the following conversation:

Dad: "Come on now. Stop it. Don't sing YES songs. You know better. It's embarassing."
Kid: "Okayyyyyyyyy..."

Heh. I was just impressed that a 9 year old kid knows YES.


This is why I hate things that are "fun for the whole family"...

Did you go to the PNE this past summer? I did. That was fricken' ages ago. ANYWAYS, it was at the PNE in which I observed something so traumatizing that it still bothers me to this day.

It was called "Rollin' Thunder" and it is the reason that I have to deal with this song being stuck in my head every day...


It is kind of fun to sing along to though.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

"I wouldn't have called him that if I had known..."

So I'm sitting in my office when this dude walks in and starts telling a story. It went something like this:

"So I was talking to (insert random name here) and he's all, "Nice shirt, man. What colour is that, mauve?" So I looked at him and said "What are you talking about? Mauve? It's purple, you fag! What the hell is wrong with you? MAUVE???? Jesus.""

Obviously, said individual is not an avid watcher of The Office. If there is anything that show has taught us this season it is not to throw terms like "fag" or "faggy" around the office all willy-nilly.

But it is still kind of funny... probably because of its inappropriateness.

Final score:

Hilarious macho jokes: 1 Political Correctness: 0 (or -25, depending on how you look at it.)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Oh, internet! You are just too awesome sometimes.

SO... the network drives went to shit this afternoon, which left me with a bit of free time on my hands and some internet access!

This is what I found.

I kind of love it. Enjoy, friends.

Thanks, Dad.

Despite not having watched a single football game this season (neither NFL nor CFL...) I have managed to show some serious talent for making picks in the weekly pool. I am seriously on FIRE! It is fantastic. I haven't won yet, but I don't even really care. I'm just excited to have KICKED ASS and beat out certain boys who maybe doubted my mad skillz initially. It is really quite satisfying.

Now if only y'all would stop hassling me about teaching you the secrets of my complex selection system... unless you plan to buy me some fairly awesome presents, you ain't getting the info. So think about that.

Props go out to my dad, for forcing me to watch football every Sunday and Monday night for the first 15 years of my life. Looks like I learned something after all.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Go ahead, be gone with it.

FYI... I'm totally bringing sexy back. If you choose to dispute this claim, you just let me know and a "dance break" will be arranged. This should be sufficient proof of my ability to indeed bring back the aforementioned "sexy". I'll show you!

ANYWAYS... if you have not been to visit Body Worlds 3 (now on at le World du Science) you are a goddamn FOOL. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I kind of imagined that it was like I had a remote that could just pause people... and then I could dissect them and use them for science. (WHAT? SCIENCE EFFING KILLS IT. IT WOULD BE TOTALLY WORTH IT.)

Seriously though. So effing COOL. It is like heaven for science nerds (such as myself). The most amazing part for me was the fetuses. (Fetusi? WTF is the plural of fetus?) It showed the various stages of development while the baby is in utero... and I was astounded. By the time a woman is a mere 8 weeks pregnant, the embryo has developed individual hands, fingers and eyes! At 14 weeks there is a visible spinal column! I can't even tell you how amazing it is to look at. Looking at it got me so excited about all my little babies that will soon be arriving. At each stage they showed I kept thinking "That is what Steph's baby looks like RIGHT NOW!" "Holy crap! There is a baby that same size inside Jackie's tummy!" "Doreen's baby is that big already?" Let me tell you, Auntie Sarah can't WAIT!!!!

I am officially starting the baby countdown RIGHT NOW. My aunt Doreen is due in January... and I am so excited because I get to see her in two weeks! You have no idea how awesome that is. I haven't seen her since we found out she was pregnant! So cute. Miss Stephanie is due in December and I can't wait to spoil the crap out of that baby girl. And then there is Miss Jackie, whom I didn't get to see when the Sawchuk's made their way out here in September... but that baby is going to have the coolest parents in the world and I can't wait to meet lil' baby Tank. (we just took to referring to the baby as Tank... don't ask!) Auntie Sarah is ready and waiting with fantastic presents and (when you are old enough) the good candy.

PS: The other awesome part about Body Worlds is that you get to look at a healthy liver and a liver that has sclerosis. Then as soon as we left we got fuckin' DRUNK. Oh, irony... how I love you so. Hooray for Fridays!

PPS: Dave, what an awesome way to party it up before you go. I will miss you SO HARDCORE. I promise to take good care of the PS2 and I will think of you whenever I watch me some Sealab. Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, homes!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Heeere's Johnny!

Holy crap. Why do I do this to myself?

On the advice of Rob, I came home and had myself a Guinness. I cooked myself some dinner. I was all alone. I still am. So what do I decide to do? Watch The Shining.


This movie freaks me out, man. Even if it is only 7:30 at night.

I'm scared, Tony. Remember what Mr. Halloran said. It's just like pictures in a book, Sarah. It isn't real.

Holy crap.

The small things

Yesterday Amanda and I went for a walk up Main Street after work. We stopped in at Lazy Susan's and I found something so awesome that I had that "Oh my god I NEED this." feeling. So I got it and was overjoyed at my new purchase. What was it? This:

Yarrrrrr. Those be pirate bandaids, matey. And as if the awesomeness of skull bandaids was not enough, it also came with a treasure inside. This was the point where I got REALLY excited. This was my treasure:

Holy crap! A pirate duck! It is much smaller than this, of course. It can fit on the top of a pen and is awesome. I am now the proud owner of the most hardcore, badass duck ever. I love it. I am so happy.

I guess the small things in life really are the FREAKING COOLEST. Yarrrrrrrrrrr.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Sarah's Comedy Jam

The funniest jokes always just pop up in casual conversation. It is almost like if you want to be funny, you can't think about it too much. No pre-planning. It is without further delay that I share with you some hilarious moments that you can share with your friends. (But if you do not give credit accordingly, I will put a hex on you and your family. Just something to think about.)


This happened at Bingo with Dave and Craig. Some jerkface called a bingo before we had a chance to win. Then the following took place:

BINGO CALLER: "Last call for bingo. Once, twice..."

ME: "Three tiiiiiiimes a ladayyyyy..."

This is where Dave and Craig laughed their butts off. I always kill at bingo. (My B-12 joke always goes over well too. That is when they call B-12 and I say "That's totally my favourite vitamin!" The bingo crowd loves it. They also enjoy it when the call O-69 and we all gasp and say "Oh my!" or "Now that's just inappropriate..." )


This took place this morning via emails (some paraphrasing):

ME: Other Dave wants to hang out on Friday before he leaves.

AMANDA: Friday sounds good, should we do something Vancouvery with him before he goes?

(Work) DAVE: Let's get him hooked on Crystal Meth!

AMANDA: Or designer handbags.

Come on. You know that is funny.


This took place at the pub yesterday:

Basically this just involved Dave and I telling everyone (including the big boss) that "Jager is like Christmas in your belly". It really is though. Apparently the origins of this phrase can be traced back as far as Dave's first Christmas in Vancouver, when Platypus said it to him.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, comedy.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Hello Goodbye

Today was the super-awesomest. You know you are in a good spot career-wise when you can down a shot of Jagermeister in front of your boss's boss and not think anything of it. GOOD TIMES. It is also super fun when the company is all, "Here kids. You just drink some beer and we will totally pay for it." Woot! That is what I am talking about.

ALSO... Dave and I went to the Reef for dinner and it was THE YUMS. So effing delicious. Plantain chips and jerk chicken... mmmmmmmmmmmmm. I gave him tips about all of my favourite places to visit in Australia and it looks like he will end up going to some of the same places. This is super awesome, because I want to see if they have changed in 4 years. Plus, it will make me happy to think about being there again. However, this does have a downside... which is that Dave will be gone for 7 months and I will miss him ever so dearly. There are not many kids around here that like to eat ribs while listening to Marvin Gaye and watching cartoons.

Now it is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold in here and I am going to go to bed. Brrrrrr.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Love means never having to say you're sorry...

So I must not be in love at all because I am always apologizing. Seriously, what is UP with saying you are sorry all the time? Is it really just a Canadian thing? Why do I do it all the time? It really makes no sense at all... because I'm almost never genuinely sorry. In fact, I find it particularly amusing that I can tell someone that I will punch them in the face, they don't care. But when I say "I will hit you in the mouth and I will NOT apologize!" they get offended. The hitting they are okay with, but if you don't say sorry for it later you are crossing the line.

Something happened to me this morning which is quite a fantastic illustration of how ridiculous the sorry phenomenon has become. (BTW, I totally just coined the phrase "sorry phenomenon" so you bitches better not steal it.) *ahem*

This morning when I was leaving Starbucks and feeling like quite a sassypants after purchasing my swank new travel mug (which, ironically will be stationary and never travel because it will sit on my desk) I jammed my finger in the door. Totally squished it. Immediately after "OWWWWWWWEEEEEE!" and some muttered swears I said "I'm sorry!"


So why the hell did I say sorry? I don't know. I'll never understand it. I guess I am trying to make up for the lack of sincere apologies with a flood of meaningless ones. Perhaps this is a good plan after all... because I really fucking hate apologizing.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Can you hear the drums, Fidel Castro?

I have heard people make fun of Abba before. I know. That is 100% crazy. Abba is SO GOOD. I don't think there are any Abba songs that I totally hate. They are all pretty awesome. They make people happy. They bring people together, because everyone knows all the words to every single song they ever made. It is kind of incredible.

I was having kind of a crappy day today. Then Fernando came on the radio. I could not stop smiling because whenever I hear that song I think of this (which is at least 15 different kinds of awesome):

Oh, Bea Arthur. You will never cease to be entertaining... mostly because you sound like a man and that reminds me of this girl I used to know who also totally sounded like a man. It was hilarious. Trust me.

PS: I forgot to mention that sometimes I like to replace "Fernando" with "Fidel Castro" when I am singing this song. It's really for no reason other than the fact that I did it once and whomever I was with totally laughed, so I figured it must be kind of funny. And that whole line about liberty makes it kind of ironic. You all know how much I love irony. (I am irony's #1 superfan!)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Karma? Cool, I'm a Carson Daly fan too!

So I totally discovered 3 stupid-ass mistakes that I made at work today. I felt really dumb. I was kind of grumpy about it. I figured karma would let me know when my equilibrium had been restored... and it did. The moment arrived about 5 mins ago when I was listening to my Go-Go's radio station on Pandora and this song came on:


What are the odds that it would choose THAT group from a Go-Go's station? And then why THAT song? It was totally one of the lesser hits. Yeah. I'm totally copying that dance routine when I get home today.

Fantastic. I love you, internet.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The one where I realize AGAIN that I should have never listened to Platypus.

Hey! What is up? You know what is not awesome? How I totally was at the damn bottom of the football pool this week! It was my first try and I honestly thought I would do better.

Seriously. It was that bad. It was the kind of bad where they don't tell you how many you actually got right because if they do it would crush your will to live. It is that embarrassing.

Some might say it is a wonder I am even willing to try it again this time. But my momma didn't raise no quitter. SO I'M BACK, BABY!

Before I continue I need to get something out of the way. I hope you don't mind...


Dear CBS Sports Football "Experts",

Fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Thank you so much for the shitty advice. I hate you.



But don't worry kids. I'm not throwing away the $2 this week. I've got a new plan. A plan that does not involve CBS Sports in any way whatsoever. Those fuckers.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


I decided to use this title because at the precise moment that the page loaded, I thought of Little Richard on Celebrity Duets and how he's gotten even more crazy than before. That's all he ever says... they sing and then they ask him, "Little Richard, what did you think of the nice lady's song?" He promptly replies, "It was like... I...I...I...umm... burn the dog with strawberries and ice cream... you... fire... on fire... WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The man makes no sense whatsoever. He's gone bat-shit crazy. (Did I just make that up? I don't know. Probably not.)

ANYWAYS... tonight is like, the festival of awesome tv. I'm super stoked about watching the Office. I re-watched the finale last week and I got all emotional about Jim. Like when Jim was all, "I love you", I was all, "Ohhhhhhhh JIM!" Like all putting my hands over my heart and shit. Then there was the kissing, and I freaked out again. "OH MY GOD! I LOVE JIM!!!!!!!!" So basically what I'm saying here is that this is likely to be an emotional night.

I think Pam is super cute and awesome, but if she disses Jim I am likely to call her the bad word. Like, THE bad word. You know which one I'm talking about. That's how much I love this show. I am emotionally involved here, people.

Hooray for the Office! It will be nothing short of awesome.

BUT... you know what is not awesome? The fact that I can't watch WKRP in Cincinnati whenever I want. That is totally lame. I loooooved that show.

Dad? Is that you???

It is still not on DVD, and apparently is probably not ever going to be released on DVD because of issues with music licensing. That is total horseshit. BOOOOOO to 20th Century Fox! Fricking babies. Like they can't just pay to use the music? Idiots. I want to watch it so bad. It makes me want to cry a little. *sigh*

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Heaven Sent

Dear Robaxacet,

I got this for you to show you how I really feel about you:

I really mean it. I really do love you.



Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Remember in the movie Old School how whenever they were about to say something inappropriate for young ears that they said to the kid, "Earmuffs." and would give the kid time to cover his ears before they started saying these horrible things?

I totally wish people would do that to me.

Mostly because people walk by my office and start conversations that inevitably turn gross (GROSS!) and then I am left with horrendous visuals in my brain that prevent me from sleeping at night.

I need time to facilitate this. PLEASE.

So please, people... before you start talking about any of the following:

  • comments directed at anyone over the age of 40 that contain sexual connotations (unless we are talking about George Clooney, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT.)
  • bare butts
  • menopause symptoms
  • health concerns involving the colon or urinary tract
  • body hair

Please give me fair warning to whip out the earmuffs or RUN THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU before you taint my mind with your filthy words.

That is all.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Another case of the Mondays...

My back has a case of the hurts at the moment, which is a direct result of some very enthusiastic swinging of a golf club at the driving range yesterday. They really should not let people just go out there and swing if they do not know how to do it properly. It must have been bloody hilarious watching me just effing give'r with a mighty swing... only to
a) completely miss the friggin ball altogether and then recoup by trying to make it look like that was just a practice swing,
b) hit the ball, but stomp my feet and swear when it ended up a mere 2 feet in front of me or
c) practice my golf poses, which involved me leaning on the club and pointing out to the grass and saying "Yeah, that bitch went wayyyyyyyyy out there. That was at least a 40."

So the sore back is making me a smidge grumpy, but then I got way mad about something else. Why is it that when you are working in word, typing away in size 12 Arial font that suddenly FOR NO GODDAMN REASON it decides that it hates you and your stupid font choice and switches to times new roman size 10! TIMES NEW ROMAN SIZE 10??? WHO USES THAT??? EVER??? Nobody, that's friggin who. Fucking microsoft. If I tell you that I want Arial size 12 it's for a goddamn reason! You will change the font when I freaking tell you to change the font! AND it most certainly will never be a request for times new roman size 10! Grrrrrr.

ANYWAYS... it appears that I am not the only one who has a case of said Mondays. In our morning meeting, Platypus flipped the bird a record 4 times and said something like "I'll school you, muthafucka..." and I can't remember why. It was full of other grumptastic remarks and delicious sarcasm... yeah, I loved it. It makes me a little sad that in order to reach my jerkfaced comment quota I have to get up and walk allllll the way down the hall. It would be so much easier if I could just yell over a cubicle wall. *sigh*

PS: Photographic evidence of how freaking awesome guitar hero is can be found HERE.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Busy like a bee.

Today I had the most action packed day EVER. It was truly fantastic, indeed. Here is what I did:

Woke up early and went to Ikea for breakfast with Craig, Mary and Amanda. I stand by my claim that anyone who goes to Ikea and does not eat while they are there is a goddamn FOOL. It is so cheap! Even hoboes could afford it. (OH I KNOW THAT REMARK WAS INSENSITIVE, YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME. IT WAS FOR COMEDIC EFFECT.) But seriously. It costs $1! The bargain of the century. (On a side note, I have decided that I love going for breakfast and would like to do so every weekend. Want to go with me? Yes you do.)

THEN, I got home from Ikea and decided that I needed to do a bit of grocery shopping. This was not that exciting, but you gotta do it sometimes.

THEN Jess and I went to the driving range. It was WAY fun, and I thought I did pretty okay for a girl who had never hit a golf ball before. I got one to go all the way to the 80 mark! That is like, totally far, yo!

After the driving rage we went to the casino. It was totally weird being there... I had never been there outside of work. It is so crazy in there! Sadly, I saw about a million people that I used to work with and was kind of upset that nobody had moved on. I was afraid to talk to any of them. Eek! ANYWAYS, I totally won like... $30 and jammed out of there before I could lose anything.

Finally, we came home and I cooked vegetarian chili and corn bread for Jess and two of her friends from school. It was the yums and I was quite proud of myself.

Now I am bloody tired and I am going to bed. It's no wonder I'm so tuckered out. That was a lot of action for one day.

Goodnight, lover. (I didn't really mean that. We are just friends. Don't get any ideas!)

Friday, September 15, 2006

Gangsta Gangsta

In honour of the birthday of supa cool Miss Amanda, I decided to wear my bling to work today. I love it so much. It is kind of huge and it totally ghetto fab. It's so hardcore. It looks like this:

The best part about it is that the shorter chain has a locket on it. Currently, said locket is empty. What do you think I should put in there? I was sort of thinking about putting pictures of The Fonz in there. I really do love him, so why not? Or maybe Scott Baio from the Charles in Charge days. He was a stone FOX. Got any other suggestions, friends?

I'm allllmost done here and I'm super excited. Though, I was promised a Neil Diamond sing-a-long before I leave and if I don't get it there is going to be hell to pay. HELL! I mostly just want to sing "Forever in Blue Jeans" because a) it is an awesome song and b) it annoys the piss out of Rob when we listen to it. Good times.

Holy shit. I should put Fonzie AND Neil Diamond in my locket. That would be so hot. *yesssss*

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Where did it all go wrong?

So I gave in and ate a turkey pot pie for lunch. It was alright. I should have probably gone to look at the delicious deli down the street first, but I went to Bread Garden instead. A deli pot pie is probably way better, but whatevs. It was still not bad.

ANYWAYS, this leads me to my current predicament. I have developed a severe case of the turkey sleeps! But I am not done working yet! I can't concentrate because of the turkey sleeps! It is so harsh! I really don't know what to do here, people. The following diagram may help you to understand my situation:

What to do? I am le tired. Hey, you know what would be fun right now? Going to Kenya. Though I am pretty sure the only other person besides me that likes to go there is Platypus. So how about it? Let's go!

PS: Read this. It is so gross. I love CBC.

The wheels on the bus go round and round...

I take the bus to work every morning and most of the time I am kind of amused by it. This is because there are so many weird people that ride the bus... just ask my dad. This morning, I was particularly interested in a few people that are on my bus almost every day... and I would like to tell you about them.

First off, there is crazy hair guy. He seems to have some kind of officey-type job because he is always wearing a button up shirt, work appropriate dress pants (with pleats in the front! Ew! I hate that!) and ordinary looking shoes. He looks like the average working man. Except that the has an afro the size of the planet Jupiter. I mean it! It is seriously huge! The largest white-dude afro I have ever seen. It is terribly impressive and makes me wonder about what exactly he does for a living. Does that hair violate the dress code? (BTW, you should see him on casual Fridays! He takes it to the casual limit, wearing weird t-shirts and sometimes even fitting a hat over the mass of hair on top of his head. It is a true marvel.)

And then there are the two coolest kids in school. The sweatpants kids. There are two of them. A boy and a girl. I really think that life might be easier for them if they just became friends, but no. They are not. But that's just how sweatpants kids are. These are typically kids that are like WAYYYYYY smaller than everyone else their age. They wear athletic shoes and sport socks that are pulled up as high as they can go. This is typically paired with sweatpants. But not just ordinary sweatpants... the kind that have the elastic gathering at the bottom and are a bit too short, so you can totally see the socks. They get picked on for not dressing like everyone else, but everybody knows they are the smartest kids in town. They could build heat-seeking rockets in their backyards and could probably take you out if they really wanted to... but they generally seek to avoid conflict. I love these kids so much. They are the best. I just want to hug them and say, "When Charlie says those things about your mom, he doesn't mean it. Just you wait... at the 10 year reunion, you will be totally loaded and he will be driving a garbage truck - which is a totally noble profession, don't get me wrong - but we both know that being a rocket scientist is way cooler. Right? RIGHT? So you just hang in there, buddy."

Awwww. So precious.

Then I got off the bus and it was so cold out that I decided I wanted to eat a meat pie for lunch. WTF? Why do I want to eat nothing but meat, all of a sudden? My body must be trying to tell me something. Perhaps I should listen. But where the hell can I get a meat pie for lunch? That is the question of the day...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Bizurrrr... it's getting kizzold...

I am totally freezing cold right now. It is so lame. I am wearing a sweatshirt, but it still feels like DECEMBER up in this bitch. When will they learn that if the sun is not shining, THE A/C SHOULD NOT BE TURNED ON. I am seriously cold. I really said "brrrrr" today.

AND THEN to make matters worse, every time I think to myself "Holy shit, it's cold in here." I immediately think "Brrrrr! It's cold in here! There must be some clovers in the atmosphere!"
Damn you, major motion picture Bring It On starring Kirsten Dunst! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I have seen that movie more times than I care to admit. I was young and foolish. I didn't know any better. I feel shame.

Friends, I am sorry.

PS: To earn bonus cool points, I would like to tell you how much I fucking LOVE The Clash. I am listening to them right now and it makes me feel rebellious and anti-establishment.

PPS: I realize that to get back to being a shadow of my cool self, I need more cool points. So I will also tell you about how I enjoy listening to NWA at work sometimes. It has lots of swears in it and makes me a fucking badass for listening to it in the office. (Dave reminded me of this yesterday as he was listening to it.) People don't mess with you when you are listening to NWA.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The moments that you wish you were there for...

There are 2 of them. Here they are:

Me sitting at my desk lip synching to "Bridge Over Troubled Water". I was like... emoting. Strangely enough, nobody noticed.

See? See how much he means it? He really means it, man.


Me sitting at my desk singing out loud to "Open Arms" by Journey and "Jive Talkin" by the Beegees.

Yeah. I know how cool I am. You don't need to tell me. (Actually, go ahead. Tell me!)

Email is only improving quality of life.

I got to work this morning and this was waiting in my inbox, courtesy of Craig:

Yes, that is a picture of Sheldon... in public... with a noodle up his nose.
I say well done, Sawchuk. Well done.

Yeah. This is why we are friends.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

This one's for my homie.

Sheldon is visiting from TO this week and in the 10 mins I talked to him I think he mentioned how much he misses Vancouver about 25 times. Understandably so. It is just lovely here, and no matter where I am I miss home.

SO, this one is for you, Sheldon. It appears that a certain Mr. Steve Perry feels your pain about missing a city by the bay.

Good god, this song is magical. (NOTE: This one might actually help you with the ladies. Take note, DAN HILL. THIS is how you write a damn song!)

PS: Whoa...ohhhh...ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Personally, I'd be okay with a little less honesty.

One of the benefits of working with ladies that are nearly twice your age is that you get to listen to the mom radio stations while you work. Sometimes it's coo, like when they play Chicago or Abba, but let's face it... that practically never happens. Most of the time you end up with stuff like this:

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

I used to think this song was kind of funny, but today I actually paid attention to some of the words. You know what I discovered? This song isn't funny at all. It's just plain pathetic.

Obviously, this Dan Hill dude knows nothing about picking up chicks.

I mean come on. Let's look at this a little closer.

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much

If he can't even handle the sheer amounts of honesty involved when coming into physical contact with his lady (and I'm thinking he only means hand holding at this point) then I think it's safe to say they are going to have some "relationship problems" not too far down the road. And by "relationship problems" maybe I mean "problems with relations". You know what I mean.

And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die

It sounds to me like he has some pretty heavy issues with intimacy. I mean... he wants to cuddle, which is nice... but until he dies? With his eyes closed? That shit is just friggin WEIRD. Or maybe this is just his way of saying he wants to kidnap his girlfriend.

I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

WTF? NOW HE IS CRYING? I don't have time for this shit, and I hope this little girlfriend of his doesn't either. After the bit about how he wants to hide, I would have probably been all, "Alright, this shit is getting a little too emo for me. If you start crying like a little bitch, I am SO out of here."

And that bit about the holding til the fear subsides? Child, he could not hold on long enough, because lord knows what HE is afraid of, but I am a little afraid of HIM.

I hope whomever he wrote this song for dumped his ass, moved and didn't leave a forwarding address. Cause you know he's the type to get all "emotionally attached" and want to be friends. He has serious stalker potential.

So basically, what I am saying is that men should never play this song for ladies. Ever. Because it is actually really creepy. No romance here, friends.

Strange Days.

What an odd sort of day.

I got made fun of because I have never had blood taken before. I don't even know what my blood type is. Apparently this is something everyone should know. How could my doctors have possibly overlooked this? Odd. Very odd indeed. Platypus says I should go get it done just for fun. But that doesn't really seem like the kind of party I want to go to.

Then, as I was sitting at my desk just before lunch I suddenly started thinking about what it feels like when you are eating meat. Like chewing a piece of steak or a porkchop or something. It was so weird and random. I haven't eaten steak in about 5 years or so, and I don't really eat anything other than tofu and chicken. Why would I randomly think about chewing steak? Maybe I secretly want to eat steak? Ew.

When I went downstairs to eat, Bernie was serving up lunch to a bunch of people... and what were they eating? Ribs. After I ate all my stupid lame lunch, Bernie wanted me to try his delicious lunch, but I couldn't because I had already eaten. It is all about calorie intake, people. I was so mad. If you could have smelled the barbecue sauce, you would know how badly I wanted to eat it. Now all I can think about eating is that exact meal. But I can't cook that stuff! WTF? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, HUH?

Suffer, I guess. Unless one of you lot wants to cook me some friggin barbecue for dinner. Which I totally doubt.

Other highlights of the day have included watching Rob do this "Rick Astley video girl dance" thing... trust me. It was GOLD. I am going to go make him do it again as soon as I finish this.