Thursday, April 27, 2006

Ninja shoes are cool, but KUNG FU SHOES ARE LUCKY!

They totally are, because I went to a staff meeting today and they were giving away a prize. The prize was a sweet stereo.

This is TOTALLY MINE!!!!

I won the sweet stereo.

Everyone that lost was not wearing kung fu shoes.

But I was.

Therefore, kung fu shoes are TOTALLY LUCKY!!!!

The end.

Don't tell my Dad, but I need more shoes.

SO, the other day I was very excited about wearing my kung fu shoes. My coworker, Platypus, read the blog a day late and wanted me to wear them again. Since they are AWESOME, I had no problem with the request. So I totally wore them again today. They are super sweet.

Or at least I thought they were.

See, Platypus thought that I had ninja shoes, but I only have kung fu shoes. So we looked up ninja shoes on the interweb of lies, and I discovered that ninja shoes are TOTALLY AWESOME. Now I am trying way hard to work and concentrate, but all I can think about is how I don't have ninja shoes!!!

Here are some of the reasons that I need ninja shoes:

They would look super cute with 90% of my outfits.

They are very quiet.

I often wear all black. All black + ninja shoes = CRAZY TIMES.

I love sneaking up on people! Ninja shoes will help me do this!

Kung Fu shoes help me kick people in the face. That is awesome. Ninja shoes will help me secretly kill people with swords. That is awesomer.


Let me show you with pictures.

Lets say that, once I have my ninja shoes, this is me:

If I had those shoes, you know I could jump that high, bitches!

and THIS would be exactly what my esteemed coworker Platypus looks like:

Ha Ha! He looks like a dog's butt with sunglasses! (He chose this picture, btw.)

So NOW... imagine me kicking some Platypus butt, cause that's what would happen if I had my ninja shoes!!!!

I am totally getting ninja shoes.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

When good pants go bad...

That is my newest idea for a hit television show on the Fox Network in America. I know, I know... you are thinking, "How do you come up with these fantastic ideas??"

I will tell you how.

It is because I am wearing some pants today that used to be like... in my top 5 best pairs of pants... but today they are way uncomfortable. This is possibly due to weight gain on my part, but you can't blame it ALL on me. I mean seriously, who are you? My mother? (HA! Sorry Mom. I don't really think you do that. Sometimes I need to make up things so that people will think I am funny. This is just something you are going to have to learn to deal with. No one ever said being the mother of one of the greatest comedic minds to come out of the 80's was going to be easy.)

So yeah, about the pants. They are making me mad. I suppose the logical solution would be to go home, eat a salad and go for a jog. But I am not about logic. I think I should just yell at the pants until I exhaust myself, thereby exerting just as much energy as I would have if I had gone for said jog. Genius? Yeah, I know.

OR I could just hang out with these guys all the time. My pants would always look the best. These dudes obviously haven't ready the "What Not to Wear" book, cause they are soooo not dressing for their shape!

Tomorrow this will not happen. Mostly because tomorrow is Jeans Day and I am going to buy a button so that I can wear jeans on a Thursday. MUAHAHAHA! It sounds deliciously evil, until you factor in that part about it being for charity. Whatevs.

If making comfy pants is really this easy... then why aren't ALL pants comfy? I WANT ANSWERS!

SO... maybe tomorrow is fat pants Thursday! But not, because it will ACTUALLY be pants that make me look skinnier day. That should be every day. Just like give Sarah money day.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


Didn't Carly Simon have a crappy song called Anticipation? I think she did. I bet it really is crappy, cause Carly Simon is totally overrated and I think she's kinda lame.

Guess what I am anticipating? Ths arrival of my delicious coffee drink. Yummmmmmmy.

It is really going to be this HUGE! I ordered it special. It will take 2 people to carry it up the stairs. DE-LISH!

You don't have a delicious coffee drink on it's way to you, do you? I didn't think so, bitches! Jealous much? HA!

Ummm... I am also excited because today is the first day of the year in which I have worn my kung-foo shoes. Not only do I look cute, but I can and will kick yo weenie ass if necessary. Plus, if feels like I am wearing slippers which is way fun.


Once his mom hems his pants, me and this kid are going to KICK YOUR HEAD OFF!

SO... I'm going to have my delicious coffee now, and contemplate running a quick 5k on my lunch break.

This is why I am not supposed to have caffeine.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Manly Facial Hair - Friend or Foe?

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say... mostly foe. All my manly readers, please take note. Here's my reasoning for the foe verdict:

Most dudes just simply CANNOT pull it off. Especially this new fangled Jesus-chic look that is sweeping the nation. If you are going to go for the full moustache-beard combo deal, you pretty much have to be either a) a REAL ACTUAL lumberjack, or b) Sam-goddam-Roberts, cause he's one of the few that do it well.

I saw a guy today (whom I totally do not work with at all. Not even a little bit. Total stranger, I swear. Seriously not a work collegue.) who seems to currently be in the process of growing the full on Jesus face. Problem is... he doesn't have the long Jesus hair to go with it. It is very short hair. Also, he was wearing clothing that most definately was not suitable for cutting down trees. You can't have the Jesus beard if you are going to not dress like an incredibly stylish bum.

It concerns me, this return to facial hair. It's like they all turned 13 again and we are in the middle of the episode of the Wonder Years where Kevin is trying so hard to grow a moustache.


Sorry boys, but you can't all be winners in the moustache lottery. Tom Selleck already took like, half the pot!

Oooh la la! Tom Selleck est tres chic! Vive le moustache! (Mais pas pour vous!!)

So, in conclusion... I say... no to gratuitous facial hair. Thank you, and goodnight!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Work it, Peter Cetera!

Okay, so if you are like me and you work in an office... when people say things like "Work it!" I bet you (and everyone else in the building) think it is HILARIOUS. You would be right. Because you are at work... and working... and so "work it!" is funny. Shut up.

ANYWAYS, I like to try and have fun when I am at work. This involves incorporating activities such as the "blogging" and "internetting" and perhaps the occasional bout of "game playing whilst internetting"... all done on lunch time, of course.

This usually also involves rocking out to my own radio stations of awesomeness which I create on Pandora. I usually listen to music that I like... but not today. Today I decided to take it to the limit. The limit of HILARIOUSNESS!!!

I created a station based on the musical stylings of Peter Cetera and Chicago! More specifically, the song, "If You Leave Me Now". Ummm... HOLY AWESOMELY GOOD TIMES, BATMAN!!!

It's like re-creating the 1974 junior prom at JFK High in the town of Itty-Bitty, Wisconsin IN YOUR OFFICE. It's amazing.

This is Dan and Karen from 1974. They inform me that they can't wait for 2006, as they think it will be "really neat".

Not only does Chicago come to the party, but they bring some friends. Friends like BARRY MANILOW, THE FIFTH DIMENSION, TONY ORLANDO AND DAWN, NEIL DIAMOND AND MORE BARRY MANILOWS!!!!!!!

It's actually kind of romantic up in here. BUT SO FUNNY!!!!!

I really want someone to walk in here and discover what I am listening to... I hope it either
a) creates an awkward moment with a co-worker, or
b) said co-worker will totally get it and then we will laugh about it forever.

Hooray for 1970's easy listening!!! My mom is so jealous right now!!! I wan't even born yet when they were making this SOLID GOLD material!!!

Gotta go. Next I am thinking of experimenting with a little bit of Journey... you know, just to make me feel normal again.

PS: New catchprase of today: "I've got a fever... and the only prescription (thanks Dave!) is more Peter Cetera!"

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Smellovision - No longer just a clever joke!



Smellovision has come to Japan!

That is insane. They always talked about it... but I never imagined that this day would ever actually come!

It's like flying cars. The flying car guys are all talk, and no action. I'll never see a flying car!

But I will see Smellovision.

One question though... why did they pick a Colin Farrell movie about Pocahontas to debut Smellovision? I can't imagine a movie about living in the wilderness wayyyyyy back when would smell very good.

What would be a better choice? Hmmmm... basically any movie with a holiday dinner scene.

I love you, Smellovision!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Ha Ha Work Screw Ups are Funny!

Not really. They are not really that funny at all. Especially big fat huge ones. But what can you do. These things happen. (Hilariously so!)

I am eating sushi for lunch today because I had Easter dinner yesterday... meaning that I did not cook. It's a pretty okay situation to be in. Sushi is good times, man. Good times.

I have some exciting news. I think the circus is going to make a comeback. I can just tell. I am afraid of the circus, which is why my million dollar idea is a little unorthodox for me... but I am told that one must face fears. Even if it means running your own damn circus.


That's right, kids. And it's going to make me rich. How? Because of the freak show. Why? Because I have discovered the greatest talent of our time. It is so cool. Way cooler than a two-headed snake-lady. WHO IS IT?

My cousin Michelle's husband. He totally eats beer cans. It's friggin' amazing. You wish you saw it.

And once I get my circus together you will, my friends. You will.


PS: I totally hate clowns. There will be no clowns at the Sarah Circus.

There will be none of this at my circus! I don't care if he's crying! I DON'T CARE!!!

PPS: Perhaps I will call it "Cirque du Sarah" instead. People love things way more if they think it comes from France. Brilliant!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Jesus is the new black.

I was listening to DNTO today and it was all about hair. When they were talking about the new scruffy lumberjack-chic look that is sweeping the nation, they made reference to the fact that Jesus rocked that look AGES ago... and that, my friends, is when I came up with the deliciously controversial title above.

It's totally the new Jesus is my Homeboy.

And you are totally jealous that I said it first.

Either that, or you maybe want to throw rocks at my face. Whatevs.

Peace out, bitches!

PS: Violence is not the answer.

Hey taxes, screw OFF!

I am doing my taxes right now. It is mildly irritating. It usually only takes 5 mins, but I am doing them at my house and my parents didn't quite seem to give me all the info I needed. I should have totally done them at my parents house.


I hate you, taxes. I'm going to punch taxes in the fucking throat.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Writing cheques...for which my body has insufficient funds.

I always tell people that I'm ghetto and poor... because I kinda am. But there is one person that doesn't seem to understand that. My body.

My eyes are all, "So... maybe we could get some sweet new glasses..."

My teeth are all, "Maybe if I kick out part of the old filling, we can get a new one."

Who do they think we (I) are (am)? Ritchie Rich? I big fat WISH! I would like to have a staff large enough to play any team sport of my choosing. But I don't.

I know what you are thinking. That is what extended medical insurance is for. But I don't get that shit. I have to save up to go the damn dentist!


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

An open letter to the internet.

Dear The Internet, (aka "Information Superhighway" aka "Interweb of Lies" etc...)

Please stop sending me pornographic emails. It's really inappropriate, considering that we do have a business relationship. Not to mention the fact that it's really very embarassing, especially when you are checking your email at work. I mean, that shit is MONITORED. Are you trying to get me FIRED???

Internet, I thought we were friends. Why do you insist upon acting in this manner? I don't like it one bit. May this letter serve as a warning to you, that if you don't stop it... I'll... well, I'll... get a new email address and you will have to wait for 3 months before you can track me down again. Which actually isn't a bad idea. Maybe I should do that anyways. Damn you!

I mean it, Internet. Stop it!

Your pal,


Monday, April 10, 2006

Now THAT is something I could get on board with...

It appears as though has finally come up with some useful information. This little gem of a story.

The gist of it is that women who drink up to twice a day scored 20% higher on tests than non-drinkers... which basically means that moderate drinking helps women think.

Which is horrible news for men.

Why? Because, in theory, if I have 2 glasses of wine, the time in which it takes me to realise that you are a complete moron will be cut in half.

And most of us are already pretty darn good at moron-spotting, so perhaps it might be time for y'all to hold a meeting and re-vamp your sales pitch.

Unless you are this guy. He sells paper, and I would totally buy it from him because he's really cute. Plus he has that whole "What's up, I'm shy and funny" thing going on.
PS: I so totally don't need to buy paper. But I would. From him.

SO... now I have big plans for a new science experiment. I will have a couple of drinks and then read my old calculus textbook and see if I get anywhere with it this time around.

I'm betting that in 6 months MIT will be on the phone to me, saying "Come on, yo! We could really benefit from your sweet mathematical skills. Chomsky says he's totally stoked to hear your thoughts on communication theory."

"hmmmm... life really would be awesome times infinity if Sarah was here..."

Look out world, here I come!

Great idea #3455633335: Become an accountant so I can yell "Calculate THIS!" at people for no reason and have it be clever instead of just plain weird.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

The Amazing Adventures of Dave and Sarah

Chapter 1: Taking it to the Motherfucking Drinking LIMIT.

As you can probably guess from the title, that is what Dave and I did last night. It was awesome. It all started off innocently enough, with good intentions of drinking a mere 2 pitchers of beer and then watching DVD's after.

But that shit didn't go down as planned.

We started drinking on a patio on Granville at approximately 5:30pm. (pacific standard time, bitches!) It was good times, drinking and just chatting away happily.

And then suddenly it was 2am and we were still at the same place, but there were more of us, because we forced school chums to come and drink with us.

We did not eat dinner. Just drank beer. Dinner is for fucking BABIES.

So basically, we both put in a full 8 hours of work... and then decided to work a double shift, with the last 8 hours getting blind drunk. Maybe if that were really part of my actual job, I would love it forever and never EVER leave.

I love taking it to the limit. Taking it to the limit effing RULES!

But remember kids, this shit isn't for fucking babies. So maybe you better not try this at home, bitches.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Holy crap, my dreams have come true!

Browsing through craigslist this morning, I found the most awesome thing EVER. Look at this. Why would you NOT want that? Amazing. What a fantastic way to start the morning.

That is all.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Where have you been all my life?

That is the question that I directed at chunky peanut butter this morning. I have been eating smooth peanut butter for my WHOLE LIFE because everyone I have ever lived with likes to eat smooth peanut butter... and since I am so nice, I just went along with it.

But no more.

I bought chunky peanut butter the other day, because it looked so much yummier. And I was right. That shit is INSANE! It's so amazing. It is both smooth AND crunchy. Delish.

This was exactly how I felt this morning. (PS: Dear toothpaste for dinner, Please do not sue me.)

Chunky peanut butter, we are totally going to hang out all the time now! It's like how on Felicity, when Ben wrote in her year book that he wished that he had gotten to know her cause she always seemed pretty cool, but they never ran with the same crowds so they didn't really know each other. Then she followed him to New York and they totally became BFF and they even dated for awhile.

But don't worry. I'm not stalking you. Mostly because it's impossible to stalk something that can't move unless I move it. Also because stalking is weird. How about I just eat you and then when the jar is empty I will buy more? Sounds good to me.

This is going to be so great.

Monday, April 03, 2006


So this morning there were totally ants in my bag. It was DISGUSTING!!! Gross. Now I feel like there are ants crawling all over me. MAKE IT STOP!!!!!

The following is an excerpt from some emailing between Dave and I the other day. Keep in mind that this is only part of the story, so the beginning may not make sense. But read on anyways. Ants are GROSS!

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:28 PM
To: Sarah
Subject: RE: [very important information]

How about I don’t give you five dollars... and we call it even.I hope hunter is well these days. He’s a top-drawer guy.As for your “crying” theory... I don’t see sad people making millions of dollars.

From: Sarah
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:38 PM
To: Dave
Subject: RE: [very important information]

Hmmm... but remember how supposedly money does not aid in the purchasing of happiness? Keep in mind that this is still only a theory, as I have not yet had the opportunity to test it out. You know, being ghetto and all. Did I tell you that my house has ants? I feel as though this helps to illustrate things.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:45 PM
To: Sarah
Subject: RE: [very important information]

I have ants too. Or I did.I appear to have killed them all or else they simply packed up and left when they beheld my awesome power.It was pretty insane for a while there because they were all up in my grill. I was killing ants left right and center and I was pretty sure they would never go away.

Now they are gone and I kind of miss their company. Maybe I could just have one or two ants... but no. It is all or nothing.They are so selfish.I have seen A Bug’s Life and the film Antz and I do not feel that either film accurately represents the world of ants. In truth they are assholes and they will gladly fuck up your shit. If all ants died one day, I would not be very upset.

This guy’s an asshole

In summary: Fuck you ants. Fuck you. -DT

From: Sarah
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:50 PM
To: Dave
Subject: RE: [very important information]

I totally agree. Ants don't care about you and me. They are jerks. I found one on my duvet this morning. I flicked it off and was all, "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" I mean, honestly. I sleep in there, yo! You know what else I hate about ants? They have no respect for ones personal space. They will just crawl on top of you if they want. That's so not cool.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:52 PM
To: Sarah
Subject: RE: [very important information]

Sometimes you will be going to the washroom and your leg will itch and you look and it’s an ant!“NOT WHILE I’M PEEING MAN! AIN’T YOU GOT NO RESPECT?”

From: Sarah
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:55 PM
To: Dave
Subject: RE: [very important information]

ummm... That never happened to me, but I do see your point. Do you ever eat at McDonalds? I saw 2 people here eat it today. I just don't get it.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dave
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 4:02 PM
To: Sarah
Subject: RE: [very important information]

PEOPLE EAT MCDONALDS?! THAT SHIT IS INSANE! No. I don’t eat McDonalds. I have in the past but it tastes so terrible. It is like paying to lick the bottom of a public bench. Burger King is kind of good though. At least there is tomato to make you feel like this isn’t so unhealthy.

Today I ate a cheap microwave dinner. I am pretty sure that it was worse for me than two McDonaldses and I am hungry again already so I feel ripped off. I am like that football player in the hungryman commercials. I want a trunk full of microwave dinners.I’m pretty sure he eats them all for one meal. He is a fat dude.

From: Sarah
Sent: Wednesday, March 29, 2006 4:12 PM
To: Dave
Subject: RE: [very important information]

Yeah, that guy is totally fat! What I find strange about that commercial is that how everyone just looks at the trunk full of hungry man dinners and they are all just like.. "Wow. That guy is very hungry, isn't he?". LOOK AT HIM. Why is no one concerned about the man's health??
Plus, you have to wonder if they are putting some kind of drugs into the food. That dude has some anger issues surrounding his hungry man dinners. He's totally addicted. And something tells me it's not because they are delicious.
I smell conspiracy!!

----end of excerpt----

After that we were just talking about weird stuff. It's not important. The point is, I HATE ANTS!!!

And so does Dave.

We also do not enjoy McDonalds and Hungry Man dinners. (Though for different reasons. Dave doesn't like Hungry Man because they are unsatifying, I think they are sexist.)

Ants - consider yourselves warned. I'm coming after you and I do not intend to show you ANY mercy. You are so going down, bitches! You have tainted a perfectly good bookbag, and now you shall pay dearly... WITH YOUR LIVES!

That is all.

PS: I got my new car and it is rad. I am going to use it to pick up hot boys. Apparently sweet rides help boys to pick up hot chicks, so why can't it work the other way?

"Hey there hot stuff. Wanna take a ride in my Yaris? That's right. I said Yaris. It's a 2007, bitches!"