Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Maybe I love this show show much that I would marry it. No. Not maybe. Definitely.

I watched this new show last night called Love Monkey. I think you can tell just from the title that it is AWESOME. But it gets better. Remember that guy from Ed? (His real name is Tom Cavanagh.) He's in it. (And he's totally cute, btw.) But it gets even better. Remember Jason Priestley? He's in it!!!

(Note: Before watching "Love Monkey" I watched this Celebrity Wedding special and Jason Priestley's wedding was on it. When he first saw his fiance walking down the aisle in her dress, he started SOBBING. Like seriously CRYING. It was beautiful. He's so cute! What a little crier. You are a good man, Jason Priestley. A good man. She is lucky to have you!)

ANYWAYS, so this show was way awesome. Basically, the premise is as follows: Cute guy (Tom Cavanagh) is a record exec for a mondo label. Totally gets fired. Finds this awesome guitar playing kid named Wayne. (Who, btw, does not use a last name. Who does he think he is? Cher? He's not half bad, honestly... but he's no Prince, that's for sure!) ANYWAYS, so because he discovered this Wayne kid, he gets an A&R job at a sweet indie label. This is pretty much what I wish my life was like. Sweet job at a record label. Nice!

It's a really funny show... and I was particularily fond of how every time someone used a phrase or sentence in conversation that contained a song title, Tom says "Song title!". I totally do that in my head. Like, all the time. There are other people in the show, and they are kinda funny and whatever, but we don't really care about them. What we DO care about is the music!

For starters, the theme song to this show is by Odds... remember "Someone Who is Cool?" Way to go for keepin' it real on the Canadian tip! Word. So there's the awesome theme song... and then they play KISS! (yesss!) It just got better and better and better after that. It's filled with LOADS of musical references... and I really wish these people were real cause then we could hang out all the time and be music nerds together.

They played one song... and it caused Lydia and I to FREAK OUT a little bit. He goes to the ice rink for some skating... and suddenly... they are playing... The Magic Numbers!!! It was so friggin' awesome!!! I am going to watch this show every week. It is highly recommended for all music nerds.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go wash my glasses and take a hit from my asthma inhaler.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Hey Oprah, SHUT IT!

So Oprah is totally ANNOYING me. This whole deal with the James Frey book... I think it's totally stupid. I just saw some clips of the "confrontation" show and read parts of a transcript from the show. I have concluded that she is a hypocrite. And I love that.

First of all, I thought it was hilarious about how MAD she was. Her fists were all clenched, and she had her "grrrr" face on... and she would have us all believe that the reason that she was SO MAD was because James Frey is a liar. (Much like that crazy bird from Brian Fellow's Safari Planet.)

Grrrr! So mad! She's gonna KILL YOU!

But that's not why she was mad. She was mad cause he made her look dumb. I honestly don't think she cares all that much about the fact that he made some stuff up. She's really just pissed that she didn't have the brains to have the book checked out in the first place. She's just worried that her trusting and loyal readers might feel betrayed by her... and maybe in the next round of the book club they won't but her damn books. *Goodbye 5 trillion dollars! I totally needed you!*

I felt like it was unneccessary for her to go after him so aggressively... one part in particular really annoyed me. She was grilling him about how his girlfriend in the book died. He had written that she had hung herself... but she had actually slit her wrists. Oprah was all, "You lied. She didn't hang herself." WHAT THE HELL BUSINESS OF IT IS YOURS??? She committed suicide. Does it really matter how? It's not like you are her goddamn mother... how she actually died is of no matter to Oprah. She just used it to target him... so he looks like an awful person and she looks like a victim. What an annoying woman she is.

I don't think it's really a huge deal. He lied in a BOOK. This man is not a journalist. He wrote about his own life story, and since it truly is HIS story... I think he's entitled to take liberties if he is so inclined. I really don't see it as manipulative at all. In fact, I kinda like the fact that he pissed her off. Plus, he was nice enough to go back on the show and get grilled by her in front of millions of people. It's not like she was using this as an opportunity or anything... she just wanted to expose the truth!

She says she's mad about the manipulation... and I sure bet she was REALLY pissed when the ratings came in the next day. That, my friends is the real manipulation.

Thank you Oprah, for reminding me that I really hate people who are totally self-righteous. It's always comforting to know that if I don't know any better, I can turn on the tv and you'll tell me. Good times.

One more thing... OPRAH = HARPO = HARP-O= HARP...ER? I smell conspiracy!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

In a related story...

I have a very important question to ask.

Why has nobody named a club "Funkytown"?

It just seems like such an obvious choice to me. 'Cause then when people called a cab to go there they would get in the cab... and then the cab driver would say, "Where to?" and then the party people could say, "Won't you take me to Funkytown?"

And then everyone would be so happy. So why hasn't anybody done it? WHY???

Obviously someone doesn't want us all to be happy. Jerks.

A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum...

If I worked at the Forum, then that would not be a lie. I don't work there. But a funny thing did happen on the way to work! Though, I have a feeling that out of all the people that read this (there's like, 3 of you now... you should seriously consider starting some kind of club.) that only one of you will understand. That makes me a little annoyed, actually... but whatever! I'll just tell you my story.

I was walking to work this morning after I got off the bus and the singer guy from Young and Sexy (the best little local band ever!!) walked past me. (I'm pretty sure it was him.) The reason this was so HILARIOUS is that we were walking on Broadway. I thought to myself... "Self, I wonder if he is going to work at his "regular" job... at a new cafe, perhaps?" Then I laughed. WASN'T THAT AN AWESOME STORY???

So, now that you are confused and think that is the dumbest story EVER... I say this to you:

If you don't understand how HILARIOUS that story is, then you obviously do not listen to Young and Sexy. So maybe you should get on that. Cause they are awesome. And young-ish. And maybe a little sexy-ish. I guess it depends on who you ask. But the point is that you should listen to them.

When you have completed the task, come back and read this again. You will then see that it is HILARIOUS and laughter will begin. You will love it.


Peace out, yo.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I'm feeling better. A little.

So today at work something sort of funny happened. The President of the Universe came to talk to us about what's going on back at Universe Headquarters in Toronto. He seems like a very nice man and he even swore once. It was pretty funny. ANYWAYS, he was telling us this story about how the guys that invented the game "bejewelled" sold it for like a million billion dollars. At this point I said to one of the guys I work with who is in charge of the Internet (like... the WHOLE THING, seriously.) that I needed to invent an internet thing so that I can make a million billion dollars. Then it came to me. My blog! This is totally worth a million billion dollars! We both agreed that it would work. How could it not?

Later on, when the president of the universe finished his talk, the following conversation took place, which is where the funny came in:

Me: "I don't know how I feel about this internet thing. I think it's spying on me."

Guy in charge of the internet: "I know, it's crazy. But it's kinda cool."

Me: "I guess. I like the internet."

Guy in Charge of internet: "That's how you will make a million billion dollars."

Me: "Totally."

Other guy who is NOT in charge of the internet: "What's going on?"

Guy in charge of the internet: "Sarah's going to sell her blog and make a million billion dollars."

Other guy NOT in charge of internet: "What? Sarah's going to sell her body to make a million billion dollars?"


(note: at this point I am mildly insulted... but not really.)

Me: "My BLOG not my body, ASS!"

So that was pretty much it. Good times. I'll be back later. Talk amongst yourselves.

Monday, January 23, 2006

The sugar high is over and I am emotionally exhausted.

Even though I am super pissed about these election results, I still love voting. Voting is awesome. Stephen Harper is not. (Zing!)

Were you watching the CBC election coverage? Is it just me, or did the voice of their interpreter sound like Vincent Price? It was actually pretty freakin' funny. The CBC coverage was actually kind of annoying because the Hour's coverage with George was barely on at all! So much for reaching out to the kids. Rick Mercer was on for all of 3 mins in the beginning and that was it! LAME! Peter Mansbridge is good though.

Ummmm... so I am still really annoyed. I have eaten two bowls of ice cream to console myself. Now I feel sick. I am not blaming it on the ice cream. I am blaming it on the Harper. I am very tired.

I would like to end it on a positive note though. I am SO proud of my buddies in the NDP! They got so many more seats, and I think that's wicked awesome. Hooray for Jack Layton!

I'm too tired to be funny right now. Three posts in one day is a lot of work for this little girl! Bed. Now. Sleep. Good. Harper. Bad. Night!

I voted! It was awesome! The results so far are not!

I think it may be getting very close to the time when we break out the emergency ice cream. I removing my "objective journalism" hat and f*cking throwing it across the room. I hate Stephen "Look at me I'm the prime minister of Stupidville" Harper. That used to be a hilarious joke. But now it's actually TRUE!

Right now I am sitting on the couch watching CBC election coverage and condemning all the conservative candidates to hades. You laugh, but I really am shouting at the tv "Flaherty from Whitby-Oshawa? YOU'RE GOING TO HADES!!!!" Ha! That's pretty funny if you think about it. ME condemning the CONSERVATIVES to hell? Don't they have a word for that? Irony. That's it.

I'm getting a tension headache. This is crap.

This just in: voter turnout is up! That's a step in the right direction... now if only they had all voted THE RIGHT WAY. Obviously some people are not reading my blog, because I specifically asked y'all not to eff it up. But you did. Way to go. Michael Moore is never going to forgive us now!!

I'm going to go get the ice cream now. Wah!

So long, health care! It was nice while it lasted. Farewell, all that is good and wonderful about this country. We used to be friends.


It's lunch time now. I am so excited about VOTING that I can barely contain myself. I almost wish that I had not decided to wait until after I finish work to go vote. I could have gotten up at 6am and been THE FIRST ONE AT THE POLLING STATION!!! What the hell is my problem? Why did I not do that? Why am I such a FOOL???

Let's see... it's approx. 12:26pm... that means that in roughly 4 and a half hours I WILL BE VOTING!!!! This is almost how I felt the night before I went to Disneyland when I was 10! Except that this is WAY BETTER! I heart democracy. It is pretty hot.

This is me right now... oh it is so stressful here at work. (You can sort of tell that's not true cause I'm blogging right now. Ha!)

This is me in 4 hours. Here is what I am saying:

And this is me in 4 and a half hours! I WILL BE VOTING!
I will really be as happy about the situation as my good buddy Jean is in this picture.

Time check: approx 12:45pm. *yesss* Getting closer!!! Time to eat lunch now. I brought gnocchi. It will be delicious. But not as delicious as voting.

I'll let you know how it goes with all the voting. YEAH!

Sunday, January 22, 2006


So, tomorrow is election day!!! I am excited. I totally love voting. I love voting like I love... chocolate. And I effing LOVE chocolate.

I am very worried though. I worry that y'all might Eff it up. Please don't eff it up. PLEASE DON'T. For the love of puppies and babies and cute little old grandparents DON'T EFF IT UP!!!

That's all I have to say about that. For now... MUAHAHAHAHA!

I like evil laughs.

On a side note, I am half watching "Matchstick Men" on television, and I would like to point out that a) Nicholas Cage is frickin' WEIRD and b) Sam Rockwell is pretty attractive. I have never really paid all that much attention to Sam Rockwell, but I should have been. He is way hot.

ANYWAYS, I am excited about the CBC election coverage. This is for several reasons. They have so many different people involved in their coverage... it's INSANE! You should totally watch it. Plus, two of my boyfriends will be on, which is a pretty good reason to watch.

I am very distracted by this Matchstick Men movie... its freakin' weird! Have you seen it? It's effed up. I am confused because I have not been watching this the whole time. Damnit. Now I won't be able to go to bed until I have seen the end. Shit. I hate you, Nicholas Cage. You and your weird little movies!

What have I even been talking about this whole time? I apparently have a short little span of attention. (You get 10 points if you can tell me where that line comes from. If you are a boy who knows the answer, you might get 10 points and a date. But I make no promises, friends.)

The movie is back on. Apparently, Monsigneur Cage now sells carpets. What a fool. FOOL!!!
I think this movie is ruining my life. I think I need to go to bed now.

Goodnight, and good luck.


Saturday, January 21, 2006


I want Scott Feschuk's job. He is the chief speechwriter for Paul Martin. He is freaking HILARIOUS. He has been keeping a blog on the Liberal's website since the start of the campaign. Here is a tiny excerpt from one of his many posts:

10:12 AM - Before we head west to Vancouver, with stops along the way in North Bay, Ont., and Edmonton, the PM is going out here in Montreal this morning to announce more cash money for infrastructure as part of our municipal agenda. I haven't read the policy in great detail, so I might not be your best source of information. But so far as I can tell the basic gist is that a Liberal government will build our cities, quite possibly on rock 'n roll. This is terrific news for most Canadian communities, but a tragic revelation for residents of Funkytown, whose disco foundations disqualify it from both federal funding and classic rock airplay.

I think that if the PM's speeches were all like this, he would rule this country for the next 25 damn years!!! I mean... the foundation of this country must be built on something solid... and ask you this: what is more solid than rock n' roll?

I still love you Jack Layton. I just think rock n' roll is really awesome. Don't forget to vote on Monday, bitches!

(Just to clarify, this was not to entice you to vote Liberal. I just really think Scott Feschuk is funny. He wears glasses. I wonder if he's married...)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

This is what the greatest chef in the world looks like.

Well, this is how she writes, anyways! I don't have a picture of myself being all amazing with the cooking yet, but just imagine. The reason I have not put a picture of myself being a chef is because I don't want you crazy internet people to start stalking me or anything. Nevermind the fact that if you are reading this, then you probably totally know me. Shut up. No pictures for now.

So ANYWAYS, I am the greatest chef in the world! I totally made a pizza from scratch tonight for dinner. FROM SCRATCH, BITCHES!! I made the dough and everything! I was amazing. And so was my pizza. I got rave reviews from Lydia, who was very excited about me making dough. You totally wish you were here.

I used my pizza stone to make it, and it's wicked awesome. What's that? You DON'T have a pizza stone? That's so sad. I've always wondered what it's like to be that lame. HA!

Ummmm... so yeah. It was the best pizza ever. It's like I'm secretly Italian so that's why I'm so good at it. But I'm totally not even Italian. I'm way German, yo.

In conclusion, I am the greatest chef in the world. Totally better than that Emeril fool! I don't do the yelling. But sometimes I do say "How do you like that one, bitches?" It's a way cooler catch phrase than "Bam!" Plus he totally stole "Bam!". Ever heard of the Flintstones, dude? Pffft.

I make some good pizza. You are totally jealous of my mad culinary skills. I love it. Ciao!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

A Walkin' Talkin' Stereotype.

Now, keep in mind that I've always tried to be sort of an "individual" and I think I have worked very hard at cultivating my own sense of style. I think I've done a bang-up job of it too! About 80% of the time when I look at my outfits in the mirror, I think I look totally rad. (Except for sometimes when I go to work... goddamn business casual wear can be kind of repressive at times.)

So why, after such hard work and all those hours of intense shopping have I thrown it all away? Why, all of the sudden, have I become my own worst NIGHTMARE??? I'll tell you why. All it takes to explain the collapse of my fashion empire is but one word...


Those BASTARDS have ruined EVERYTHING for me!!! All because I found out that they have a factory outlet. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am powerless to the magnetic pull of a factory outlet. Hell, I don't even CARE what they sell there, but if I can get it for half price, you're damn right I want to hear about it!

So naturally, I was very taken with this whole Lululemon Outlet deal. I finally went on Saturday, and I will admit, I kinda lost it. I tried on everything. And I loved every minute of it. And I bought 2 pairs of pants. And now I am ashamed.

Yes, I, Sarah... your fearless leader, have become a yoga pants wearer. Next thing you know I'll be moving to Kits and pissing off the people at Starbucks with my ridiculous requests for my morning latte which I would like to have heated to a particular temperature and such. A walking talking Vancouver stereotype.

There is one positive thing that has come out of this whole thing. The pants are effing COMFY and they make my ass look great! So you can all sleep better at night knowing that. I know I will.

Plus, I totally don't even do yoga. So really, by wearing the pants for non-yoga related activities I'm actually being totally punk rock, if you really think about it. It's like I'm flipping the bird to the yoga establishment. That is so effing hardcore!!

These are my pants. We have a love/hate relationship.

I promise, I won't ever sell out. Not officially anyways. Maybe just for like, a month at a time if the money's good. Thanks for understanding.

But my ass really does look nice in them.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Feelin' the Love.

Yo! So I am totally feelin' the love. Mostly cause everyone says I'm funny and I tend to agree with that sentiment... so I get the joy of both receiving praise AND the joy of being right! Awesome. But there is another reason. It is because I am in love. With NyQuil.


SERIOUSLY. That shit is CRAZY!!! Before I go to bed I am all sneezy and stuffy and I generally feel like crap. But then I take the NyQuil. And then I pass out. And then I can't remember anything because I am sleeping. And then I wake up in the morning and I'm all, "Wow, I don't even remember falling asleep!" And that, my friends, is magic. Beautiful, wonderful, magic.

If NyQuil was a person, I may have romantic feelings towards it (him). I imagine that NyQuil the guy would be fantastically good looking and rich. That's nice.

So what if maybe I just took some more NyQuil... don't judge me! It's not a problem. I can handle it, man. Just relax. RELAX.


I love you, NyQuil!

Sarah + NyQuil = BFF.

Monday, January 09, 2006

ELECTION 2006: It's all about the ass.

So as you probably know, the election is fast approaching. It's time to start paying attention and looking at the important issues... like which candidate is the hottest! Which one of these sexy beasts is going to get your sexy vote? Can't decide? That's why I'm here! So lets take a look at each of the candidates and what they have to offer. (If you know what I mean... DIRTY!)

Paul Martin

Hey there, I'm Paul Martin. I'm the Prime Minister... of SEXINESS!

For god's sake, just look at him! Why would you NOT want him to be your leader? He has lovely eyes... and wonderfully white teeth. This is important because it shows us that he cares about personal hygene a great deal... which means that he cares about Canada.

Lydia says he looks very trustworthy and is a sharp dresser. She also imagines that he spends time at sea, with the wind blowing through his fantastic mane of hair. That's totally hot.

Now I think that his main selling point is that he is a very passionate man. He LOVES Canada. He loves Canada so much it's almost kinda dirty... ME-OW!


HELLO! That's pretty hot... if you are into that sort of thing. Do you think that is his real body? I bet he totally works out... when he's not busy saving us from ourselves.

Lydia says Stephen Harper is actually really gross. His eyes are dead and his hair doesn't move. I think maybe she is letting her political views influence her here... Or maybe she didn't see this picture!!

Honestly, he's not really my cup of tea either. But from what I hear, he's quite popular with the ladies. I think it has something to do with his rigid demeanor... cause you just know that underneath the cold and unfeeling facade, there's a tiger in there! Grrrrr! (NOTE: EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! Objective journalism gives me bad feelings!!! Dirty.)


OH MY GOD. Gilles Duceppe is a stone FOX! Look at those eyes... I have never seen such amazing blue eyes... it's like someone stole some stars from the sky and put them in his eyes... *sigh*

Lydia is way in love with Gilles Duceppe. He is French and she totally digs that. He could probably say just about anything to her in French and she would melt like butter on a hot day in Chicago. Kanye West is from Chicago and he knows about hot stuff. I think he probably loves Gilles Duceppe too.

He totally has an advantage here, because of the accent. IT makes everything sound naughty. I bet Lydia really loves it when he gets going on that whole "sepratist movement" business. Awwww yeah.


So here's Jack Layton. So here is hotness on a platter. So here is the hottest guy to rock a moustache since Magnum PI! If only we all lived in Maui and he wore shorts all the time... that would be amazing. I really do think he's the sexiest one of the bunch.

Lydia says she thinks he's way sensitive which is hot. She thinks that this sensitivity probably makes him a very passionate lover. HELLO!!! Get in line ladies, this one's taken. You are one lucky lady, Olivia Chow.

He's got this real blue collar thing going on... look at you, Mr. Casual in your press photo! Wearing no jacket... I think this serves two purposes: 1) Look at me, I'm so average and don't wear a full suit, and 2) Hey ladies, check out my sculpted upper body and think about it allllll the way to the voting booth! Go get em, Magnum. Is it getting hotter in here, or is it just Jack Layton?

So there you go. Lydia and Sarah's guide to FOXY POLITICS!!! Screw policy and voting records! It's all about the hotness. Yummy.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Hello, world!

Welcome to the first posting here on my blog. I like it. Do you? Oh yes. So I thought I'd start things off by bringing to you, the two people who will read this (Yo Mom! What's the haps?) my top 5 moments of the first 2 weeks of January 2006!

Trust me, some pretty awesome shit went down during these weeks! Some of it I can't talk about at the moment for legal reasons... but we don't need to go there. So, let's just get right into it. Come on, bitches!

5. The time I co-wrote that song with Michael Stipe of REM fame.

This happened on New Year's Eve and it was AMAZING! I was sitting at the bus stop with my good buddy Lydia and we were talking about the song What's the Frequency Kenneth?". As you may know, the song was inspired by the time this dude tried to mug Dan Rather and yelled at him, "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?". I was talking about how I didn't really get the connection between the incident and the song... and how if I had written it, the lyrics would have been a far more literal interpretation of the events. It was at this point that in a moment of pure genius, I wrote my own lyrics to the song. It went a little something like this:

What's the frequency Kenneth?
Blah blah blah blah
Hey listen here Dan Rather
I'm gonna stab you good

We both really liked it a lot. I smell a remix coming on! Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

4. The time my 2 year old nephew called my brother a fuckhead on the bus.

Oh this was GOLD! I wasn't even there, but the events were relayed to me by my mom. So there's my brother and his son sitting on the bus, having a good time. My nephew turns and looks at my brother and says "Daddy, you're a fuckhead!" Lots of people heard him and laughed their heads off. Including my brother. Fucking HILARIOUS! I totally never even taught him to say that, even though I am kind of inclined to agree with the statement. HA!

3. The time when Fleetwood Mac totally blew my mind.

Fleetwood Mac, why do you rock so HARD? I just totally rediscovered the ol' Fleetwood Mac last week and it totally kicked my ass. If I can ever learn to play any of their songs on my guitar, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to marry any boy of my choosing. It would give me that much power. I can see it right now...

ME: "Hi cute boy. Did you know that I can play "The Chain" on my guitar?"

CUTE BOY: "Jesus, woman! You're incredible! Let's get married."

ME: "Word."

2. This.

I think this might be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I've become mildly obsessed with watching this one clip over and over... 15 times a day at least. I have also come to enjoy doing my own awesome version of this little dance number. My roommate thinks it's the funniest thing EVER to make me do this in our living room. And I agree with her. But if you think THAT'S funny you should have seen it last night when I took that shit to the streets!

Which actually brings us to the number one moment of the first two weeks of January 2006...

1. The time I saw Hilary Duff at Hamburger Mary's!!!! HILARY DUFF!!!!

I don't think I need to tell you why this was funny and INCREDIBLE!!! I don't even like her! She was totally sitting right beside us and the funny part was that it took us about 10 mins to realize it was her. We had been looking over at her table, but not cause we knew it was her... but because Lydia wanted to know what they were eating cause none of us could decide what to eat. When we finally did notice, we were totally casual about it... I wonder if they noticed how suddenly two people at our table were frantically text messaging? Probably not. It wasn't even obvious! Not at all.

This celeb spotting prompted me to come up with the following witty comments:

"Take THAT, Suzie Wall!"

"Yo! Hilary Duff! What's the haps? So I totally loved you in Cheaper By the Dozen... good career move, by the way." (NOTE: I did not actually speak to her... I was just thinking about what I would have said to her, and how anything I said would have sounded completely snotty.)

So I think this was all pretty awesome. Good times in the first two weeks of January 2006. Honourable mentions also go to:

The time when the singer from Elliot Brood totally wanted to marry me.


The time I made out with George Stroumbo(etc) and then married Jian Ghomeshi like half an hour later.

(NOTE: The above two events REALLY happened. I swear. Ask anyone. Especially Mike Reno from Loverboy. He will totally vouch for me on this one.)

Peace out, homies!