That's a lot of look.

I have too much crap. So today is the day where I clean out my closet and say goodbye to the things I no longer need. As Tim Gunn says, you should only wear clothes that are soul stirring. Things that you love SO MUCH that you can't bear to live without.

Yeah. We'll see how that goes. Wish me luck...

So yeah. Eating. That's a thing, right?

When I woke up this morning I still had the tail end of a headache that had been with me since Thursday morning. I once got a hot tip from a doctor that caffeine can help get rid of headaches. So I made myself a coffee. Then I drank it. Then I took a Motrin. Then I felt like I was having a heart attack. It was nearly as bad as the infamous Dr. Pepper incident.

I also happened to have a lot of work to do today, so I unknowingly worked through lunch and totally forgot to eat anything. OOPS. Now it's almost 2:30pm and I still haven't eaten lunch because the thought of leaving the office to get some food is kind of making me nervous, which is OBVIOUSLY a reaction to the caffeine. So I'm sitting at my desk eating chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels, which is a horrible idea because HELLO! CHOCOLATE HAS CAFFEINE.

So yeah. That's what's going on with me right now. What's up with you?

My hair looks really good today, but I'm still going to cry.

I'm there. I'm totally there. "There" being the supreme level of tiredness where I begin to question my sanity.

The dog just barked at me and I thought I was going to cry.

Then I couldn't figure out how to work the XBox and I thought I was going to cry.

Then both of the dogs got all up in my face and I thought I was going to cry.

So basically what I'm saying is that I am probably going to cry at some point during the evening.

I'm so tired. I'm so, so, so tired.

Twenty more minutes.

4:10pm. Twenty more minutes. Just twenty more minutes kid, and freedom will be yours.

Temporarily.

8:30am. Eight more hours. Just eight more hours kid, and freedom will be yours.

Whole Foods is trying to kill me.

It's true. Whole Foods is trying to kill me. I think they put something sinister in my burrito bowl, cause whoa crap am I sleepy right now. Like, way sleepier than carbohydrates should make a person.

Whoa crap.

It could also possibly have something to do with the fact that I am slightly sleep deprived at the moment.

Or Whole Foods could seriously be trying to kill me.

Ouch.

This bed is killing me, yo.

It is a futon mattress on top of an Ikea bed frame. I can feel the slats through the mattress. This is not some Princess and the Pea shit. I don't know how they sleep on this thing all the time.

I have bruises on my hips from this bed. I have a pain in my neck from this bed.

I will be sleeping in this bed for three more nights.

I miss my bed. I miss it ever so dearly.

Doggie style.

This will be the third night of house sitting, meaning that the last time I slept in my own bed was on Saturday. I woke up this morning with an odd bruise on my hip from the futon mattress/bed slats situation. I have actually managed to get some sleep, but not the good sleep. Not the deep, coma kind of sleep. That's my favourite kind of sleep. The kind you wake up from and think, "Oh FUCK that was awesome."

The dogs have been pretty easy to manage. They are a bit needy sometimes, but it's okay. I felt bad about kicking them out of the bedroom at night, but OH MY GOD IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU ARE SO LOUD WHEN YOU BREATHE.

All I want to do right now is climb into my very own bed and sleep for a thousand years. The only way to wake me up before that would be to have a cute boy wake me up, Sleeping Beauty stylez.

Alas, it cannot happen. *sigh*

Towel Day

It's Towel Day! I don't know where mine is. Well, I do. It's at my house. But I don't have it with me, and this is the problem. Well, I suppose the actual problem is that I don't know where my towel is in the metaphorical sense.

I do not have my shit together. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I know what I want to do, but I have absolutely no idea how to do it.

It's kind of a funny day to have encountered a situation that has indeed caused me to panic a little.

Damnit.

HA HA HA!

I am acquainted with at least 7 people whose laugh is an actual, honest to goodness, "HA HA HA!".

This concerns me greatly. I suspect they are all evil. I suspect they are all trying to take over the world. I mean, really. Think about it. Only evil people ever really laugh in such a manner.

Creepy.

Things I am getting really good at.

Things I am getting really good at:

• doing the "I'm totally dancing but I'm trying to look like I'm not dancing" dance on public transit.
• doing the "I totally have to pee right now but I'm trying to act like I totally don't have to pee right now" thing during meetings.
• doing the "I'm totally not working, but I look like I'm working" thing when I'm at work.
• doing the "I look like I'm listening, but I'm totally not even listening" thing ALL THE TIME.
• making lists of things that no one really cares about.

Not even kidding.

Last night I watched Little Voice. I may have gotten inspired. Hence how I ended up in my current situation.

Yeah. I'm in my living room in my pyjama shorts and heels, practicing my Judy Garland "Come On Get Happy" routine.

HEY, YOU DIDN'T JUDGE RUFUS WAINWRIGHT WHEN HE DID IT SO SHUT UP.

Tap dancing in heels is just like riding a bike. You will never forget how to do it. I should put that shit on my resume.

Regret.

Suddenly I'm filled with regret about having never watched a single episode of One Tree Hill.

Seriously, look at this:




WTF? A DOG ATE A TRANSPLANT HEART OFF THE FLOOR IN THE HOSPITAL. IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT. THAT IS AWESOME.

It's like the writers happened to catch an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy and were all, "OH, YOU WANT A TOTALLY ABSURD DRAMATIC SITUATION? I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU. SUCK IT, MCDREAMY."

Ohhhhh man.

Bad idea.

I just spent $50 at the drug store on my lunch break.

I didn't even buy any drugs!

Dude, WTF?

OH HECK YES

Yesterday I went to the drugstore to get some band aids. I also purchased some jelly beans. As I waited in line I pretended as though I was purchasing these neon band aids and jelly beans for a small child. NO. THEY WERE TOTALLY FOR ME.

ANYWAYS, when I got home I accidentally fell asleep at 7:30pm, so I didn't get to eat all my jelly beans. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because GUESS WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW? IF YOU SAID EATING JELLY BEANS YOU ARE RIGHT WOW YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT GUESSING GAMES DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE? I BET YOU WENT TO COLLEGE.

Ooooh, that one tasted like coconut.

Follow your dreams.

I have a dream that one day I will stop having those moments where I look down at my hand/foot/arm/leg/knee/whatever and say, "Oh, hey. I'm totally bleeding."

This happens to me quite often.

I could save so much money on bandages.

Pimpin' ain't easy.

So, there is this contest. Some lovely people have been kind enough to nominate me to have one of my tweets made into a shirt from Threadless! I think it could be kind of cool. If I were to win, I would get $500 and then you could buy my shirt! WHOA. I was hesitant to post about it, but I think it is kind of exciting. So there you go.

ANYWAYS... Here are the links to some of my nominated tweets. If you like them, please vote! I'm so not going to win, but it's fun anyways.

AS ZOOSALLY

Jello Biafra hates T9

Wasabi peas are trouble.

No sleep

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today I saw the cutest boy. He looked right at me. He had the prettiest blue eyes. He wore the exact right kind of jeans. He had a very nice haircut. Maybe I'll see him again. Maybe he'll talk to me next time. OMG, I would die. I would be so nervous! But it would be nice. Eeee!

~s

This is the part where I tell you that was an excerpt from the diary I kept in high school and that I was 16 when I wrote that.

*ahem* That would be a lie. That shit happened today. HAHAHA!

He did wear really nice jeans though. You can tell a lot about a man by the kind of jeans he wears.

AHHHHHHHHH!

On Saturday, I was sitting alone in my room when my phone buzzed because I had just gotten a text. It scared the living shit out of me. I squealed like I had just seen a giant spider and fell over. It took me a moment to calm down.

Today, I was on my computer and a chat window popped up. It made a "BLOOP" sound. I jumped a little and yelled out, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I think I just took social phobias to a brand new level. Either that, or everything just needs to stop making loud noises.

Sweet Jesus. I think I've calmed down now. *breathe*

I put on makeup for you today, world.

It is the classic dilemma. Do I or do I not need to go outside today? I did put on some makeup. I did twist my hair up into a bun.

But it is rainy and I have no idea where I want to go.

I think I'll just stay inside and make pretty eyes at the computer screen. It's better this way.

Wishful makeupping.

Sometimes it's hard to tell.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if you are doing it wrong or really, really right. This is how I have spent the majority of my day:





















Chillin. In my bed. Sleepin. For like, a bajillion hours.

A combination of several factors has caused me to feel bloody exhausted today. Even now, I feel like I want to go back to sleep again. It takes a lot out of you, this whole existing thing.

Dancing should always look like this.

This makes me happy. So very, very, very happy.




Could you BE any more adorable, Jonathan Richman? No. No you could not. *swoon*

Things I wish I could say.

- I know what I'm doing. So stop acting like I don't.

- I wish I knew why you insist on being so condescending towards me. Is it because I'm a girl? Because I'm young? Because I'm short? (Though I don't think 5'5-ish is all that short, thankyouverymuch.)

- I worry about you.

- Will you sell me some of your talent for 50 cents? I don't think you are aware of how good you are. This annoys me. I have to try so much harder than you, which sucks because I'm admittedly lazy.

That is all for now.

What's cooler than being cool? These socks.

I decided that I was going to go look for some new shoes after work today. Then I remembered that I am currently wearing socks of this nature:


















That's kind of embarrassing, no? They are just so darn soft. They feel nice inside my boots.

Crap.

I'll tumble for ya.

I have a question for you folks. Do you use Tumblr? I'm kind of intrigued by it. I think I want to try it, but I am nervous to do so. I fear that my brain might explode from having to come up with content for Twitter, my blog AND Tumblr. Do any of you have regular blogs and Tumblr? Are your brains all exploded? Leave a comment/email/or tweet me and let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

Good idea.

I decided that I wanted to write a list to submit to McSweeney's. All I have so far is a list of reasons why I should not write a list to submit to McSweeney's. It's not so much a list as it is three lines of "because you aren't that clever." It's in point form though. So it looks like a list.

It's going really well so far.

You've reached Sarah. I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message.

Okay. So when you call me and I don't answer, you get my voicemail. It tells you that it's me and that I'm busy. It asks you to leave a message and tells you that I'll call back. Pretty easy to figure out. Yet this seems to be very confusing for a certain heavily-accented man.

He calls me from a private number at least 3 times a week. He hears the part where I say "THIS IS SARAH". He is most definitely not trying to call Sarah. Yet he still leaves a message. He talks to me about home renovations. I suspect he is a contractor. He tells me that I need to remember to install the something-or-other in the bedroom. He demands to know what time the delivery guys are coming. He suggests that I call him at home to give him this information.

It is starting to drive me a little crazy. I think I need to temporarily change my message. Something like this:

"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Sarah. Who, by the way, IS TOTALLY NOT IN THE CONSTRUCTION BUSINESS AND THEREFORE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THE CRAP YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, SIR. If you don't want to talk about construction, please leave a message. Thanks!"

Will this work? Is this necessary? Share your thoughts with me on this one, buddies.

I ♥ voting.

First I came home to grab my voter registration card. I WAS VERY EXCITED.





















Then I walked to the voting place. I danced while I was voting, just so I could make a joke about poll dancing.





















They gave me a sticker!





















Naturally, I stuck it on my nose. But remember, kids. VOTING IS VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS.

It's a miracle I showed up at all.

I just discovered that for the entire month of May my watch has had the wrong date on it. I've been a whole day behind. The fact that I haven't noticed it until now means that I'm either really stupid, or kind of brilliant. So clever that I don't need to have any sense of time.

No. I'm just really unorganized. That's pretty much the story there.

Friends, both real and imaginary.

I heard some sad news today. It came with some advice, which was to hold close to the people you love, because life is all too short to wait to do it later. The first thing I did when I got home was to call my best friend, just to tell her that I missed her.

Friends, I'm sorry. I probably don't call, write or visit you nearly often enough. I should change that. But know that you all mean the world to me and I'm so lucky to know you. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today without your incredible support and love. You are all tops!

This goes for my imaginary internet friends as well. Thank you for being the wonderful, amazingly funny and brilliant people you are. I hope to get to know you better.

Just do it.

Things you could do today, if you felt like it:

• Listen to Stars and then have makeouts.
• Listen to Stars and then think about having makeouts.
• Eat a piece of cake.
• Eat a banana.
• Misdiagnose yourself with something by looking it up on the internet.
• Hike up your tights in front of a glass wall.
• Slouch a lot.
• Partake in nasal irrigation.
• Steal someone's pen.
• Smell a flower.
• Take some allergy medicine.
• Build a rocket ship.
• Smile at someone who is a total jerk.
• Go to sleep whenever you feel like it because you are a grown up, goddamnit.

I've got nothing to do today but smile.

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. I think I've listened to it about 7 times today. I've quoted it in two tweets. I love it so much. So very, very much.




It kind of makes me want to go to New York, just so I can be alone and listen to it. Is that weird? Because I'd totally do it.

LA-AME.

Atonement is a boring movie. I probably think this because I turned it on halfway through.

Yeah. I bet that's it.


*time passes*

NOPE. It's just boring.

You've got mail.

For at least a year, my email notification at work has been a clip of Mr. T saying, "It's time to stop jammerin', before I start hammerin'." While it is still HILARIOUS, it was time for a change. A change that was blown in by a mighty wind.

Friends, meet Mike Lafontaine.





Now every time I get a new email, he says exactly what I'm thinking:

"Hey! Wha happened?"

It's probably the best idea I've had all week.

The news.

Is this a thing: actual journalism.

What inspired this tweet was something I overheard on the news earlier today. I do believe it was something like this:

"In other news, American Idol rocked last night..."

The sad part is not that they wrote this and said this on air, but that they HAD TO. I hate that we live in a world where what happened on American Idol last night is news. Remember when you had to go specifically to entertainment based news shows/magazines to get this information? I liked it better that way.

This makes me so proud of that college diploma of mine. Hooray for the media! Ugh.

Om.

I should really never drink coffee. Ever. Never ever. I can never tell when it is going to cause me to freak out. It is just so delicious! Sometimes I just can't help myself.

When the caffeine hits me, the anxiety sets in. I ride the wave of panic. EVERYTHING IS A BIG DEAL. EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

So, how do I calm myself down? A mantra. It changes all the time, given the current circumstances. It's just whatever makes me feel better at the time. Today?

"Everything will be okay. These jeans look really good on you and eventually the Barenaked Ladies will have to break up. They can't go on forever and neither will this feeling of fear and worry."

See? Better already.

HEY WHAT IS GOING ON?

This morning I woke up and was feeling a little groggy, so I made myself a coffee. This seemed like an excellent idea at the time. Turns out, it was not so excellent. Now I feel a little
heart-attacky and nervous. Every time my email notification goes off I'm all, "WHOAAAAAAA!"

Seriously. I think I'm high. I'm typing really fast. CAN YOU GET HIGH FROM COFFEE? I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU CAN. I SHOULD LOOK THAT UP ON WIKIPEDIA. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING OVER THERE, HUH? OH SORRY. caps lock.

*breathe* OH SHIT I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE. IT WAS DARK. THAT'S BAD, ISN'T IT?

I just walked away from my computer for 5 mins and then forgot where I was going, so I came back. It probably wasn't important.

Ohhhhhhhhhh dear.

So nice.

If you have not done so before, I strongly recommend taking a nap on someone else's couch. It's not weird at all. In fact, it's quite lovely. I'm going to go do it now. On a chaise lounge. A chaise lounge that is not mine. 

Lovely. 

But seriously, folks.

I really need to know the answer to this. It's driving me crazy.

How the fuck did I get this bump on my head?

It is affecting my judgement, as I have done a few questionable things since Friday night. Like, say... watching "She's the Man" on TV right now. Am I concussed?

Pikachu.

Fuzzy kitty, originally uploaded by Lydia Fizz.

There are two cats that live at my house, both of which belong to Lydia. This is Pikachu. She's going to be moving to Lydia's fiancee's house.

I think she knows. She's been acting suspiciously since I got home. Poor thing. She's a very nervous cat and I suspect she will not handle the move well at first.

I'm allergic to cats and generally find them to be untrustworthy, so we have not had the best relationship. But you know what? I think I might even miss her a little. Especially because the cat that is NOT moving is kind of an asshole.

Pikachu and I had a little moment today. I gave her a pet and scratched her behind the ears.

You're alright, Pikachu. You're alright.

Sitting.

I'm house sitting for a week, which is kind of weird. It's a little strange to find yourself alone with someone else's stuff. I'm afraid to use anything. Except the TV... WHICH HAS HBO. The best.

I'm here to look after a cat. A cat which I have not actually seen yet. She hides from people. Last night I was convinced that this cat didn't actually exist. However, this morning she was kind enough to leave proof of her existence on the rug. Gross.

I forgot my toothbrush. I haven't showered yet. I feel gross. I'm going back to my house so that I can do some laundry and feel normal again.

Yes, this is my life. It is so very glamourous.

Oh, hey. Nice to meet you, dude who totally was part of a thing that changed my life.

This morning when I was sitting in front of the mirror wearing a towel and putting on my makeup, Nirvana came on the radio. It was "All Apologies". I paused for a moment and listened. I looked in the mirror and laughed at how some things never change. I had totally had the exact same moment when I was 13, in my room at my parents' house.


I would shut myself up in my room for hours, cycling through all the albums and starting over again when I got to the end of Unplugged. This music was my adolescent experience. I was angsty. It was angsty. It made me feel normal. It meant the world to me.

Which is why I FREAKED OUT when I turned around this morning to see Krist Novoselic standing behind me.

"HOLY SHIT. He's right there. Holy shit. What do I do? I'm too scared to move. I'm going to cry. HOLY SHIT."

The next thing I know, I'm standing in front of him. Wow, he's tall. He's 6'8. I'm 5'6. This could not possibly look more comical. He looks at me and smiles. He leans forward so he's not so far up, and grabs my hand to shake it. His hand is giant. It is also very soft. He has a firm handshake.

"Hi, I'm Krist. What's your name?"
"Hi. I'm Sarah."
"Sarah? It's so nice to meet you, Sarah."
"It's great to meet you too."

Then the inner dialogue kicks in. Ohmygoddoyouknowwhoyouare? You were in Nirvana. YOU WERE IN NIRVANA. I was in love with you when I was 13. Is there a non-creepy way for me to tell you that your music changed my life? No. No there's not. HOLY SHIT YOU WERE IN NIRVANA. Wow, you are seriously tall. And so nice. You are seriously nice. I want to be your friend. GOD DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

We pose for a photo. He is standing right behind me. I'm a midget. DID HE JUST TOUCH ME AGAIN? I'm going to cry. This is awesome. Is this really happening?

We all say thank you. He thanks us.

"Thanks, you guys. It was really wonderful to meet you all."

HE was glad to have met ME.

I walk around the corner. When I know he can't see or hear me anymore I have my 13 year old freak out.

HE WAS IN NIRVANA. AND HE SHOOK MY HAND.

Best. Day. Ever.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

I'm awake. It's 1am. I have to wake up for work at 6:40am. That's not cool, man.

Why am I still awake? Because I secretly feel the need to punish myself? Because one of you put a voodoo curse on me?

Quick, somebody call me and sing me a lullaby.