Friday, June 30, 2006

A brief summary.

So here's what my day has been like so far:

8:30am - Got to work. Was still giggling about Nacho Libre and trying not to forget hilarious movie quotes.

9:00am - Bragged to Platypus about how awesome the movie was and how he didn't get to see it yet.

9:30 am - Started to realise what a shitstorm I was going to have to deal with today.

10:30am - Engaged in more witty banter via email with coworkers. This is the only thing that keeps me from going bananas on Fridays.

11:30am - Got really hungry right about here. Did not have time to stop and eat for 5 mins.

12:30pm - Still pretty hungry. This sucks.

1:00pm - Started to feel a panic attack coming on. Kind of was about to hyperventilate.

1:30pm - Briefly considered forming an emo wannabe band called "Panic! At the Workplace."

1:45pm - "Beautiful" came on. God I hate that song. The funny part about this was that as soon as it came on I made a loud groaning noise at exactly the same time that Platypus came around the corner and did the exact same thing. Ha!

2:00pm - Right about now I really wished that people would not call me or email me. Because that means there is more work to do. Ugh.

2:30pm - I should be a goddamn sailor. As this is about the time that I could safely determine that I had successfully navigated the shitstorm. Watch out, George Clooney!

And now I have other pressing issues to deal with. Like drinking my face off. Word.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Yo. My name is Betty Bitter Britches.

So yeah. Karma. What's the deal with that shit?? I'm still trying to wrap my head around the concept. I get the basic principles... if you do bad shit, bad shit will happen to you and vice versa. What I do not understand, is how even if you do a ton of really GOOD things but sneak in a very tiny bad thing... you still get screwed.

Heh. His name is totally Earl. I wonder if he too has karmic issues.

Yesterday, I thought I was pretty nice. I didn't do anything mean! (That is a very impressive thing for me, btw.) But what happens? I get home, and the roofers have made a goddamn mess. I make it all the way to the door without injury, WHEN (dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN!) I stepped on a friggin' nail!

It was at this point when I was no longer able to keep my usual zen-like state of being. I friggin' lost it. I started yelling about tetanus shots and the importance of taking pride in your workspace by CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELVES because PEOPLE LIVE DOWNSTAIRS... and how I don't care about the goddamn roof anyways because I live in the friggin' basement... and how if I had to go get a shot I was going to tear somebody a new one. Yes, they were still up on the roof during my outburst. Windows were open, they very well could have heard me. At that point I didn't really give a crap.

It was all kind of comical, I suppose. But now I am wondering... did I just fuck myself over AGAIN, karmically speaking? Because I think I heard somewhere that yelling at hired help was no longer "appropriate". And I'm not even the one paying those bitches. So now I'm kind of frightened. What will happen next????

I don't even want to think about it.

I'm temporarily in love with a stranger...

...and in 15 minutes I'll be moving on down the road.

Last night I saw Buck 65 at the Commodore. It was SUPER AMAZING. He's quite sharp, that one. Perhaps it was the oddly sexual jokes between songs... or his fantastically spastic dancing... or the utter cuteness of his one-hand-on-the-hip stage posture, but I think I fell a little bit in love with him last night. It's a goddamn shame I'm not volunteering at the hotel today, because I'm pretty sure that I would stand a decent chance of meeting him. *sigh*

ANYWAYS, here's a clip from a show he played last week somewhere, and I do believe he was wearing this exact same thing last night. The song is called "What Grace Means" and is apparently about his niece, Grace. It is perhaps the cutest and sweetest song EVER, and I strongly suspect that this is the real reason behind my new found love. Enjoy!

Soooo cute. *sigh*

Monday, June 26, 2006

I am the colour of anger. The colour of furious.

Here is a simple math equation for you all to ponder. I will even give you the answer to make it super easy for you:

But you probably already knew that. Because you are all so smart, my pets. I also knew that, but apparently chose to ignore the facts and use the rebel yell. And now I'm friggin BURNT. Bright red. All over. It sucks. I look stupid. Tanned people are judging me. I hate being pale. You all suck.
Happy Monday! I love you all.

Friday, June 23, 2006

This one is for all the lovers out there...

My dreams of kareoke-pop-idol-superstardom are all wrapped up in this song. If I sang this shit on Idol, people's minds would be BLOWN AWAY.

It's a nice day out. Watch this and it will get you feeling all romantic. Then you can go sing it to someone. Fuck this song is good. I kind of wish my hair was as flowy as Peter Cetera's. But that's just me.

And so I leave you with this...

WoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo baby please don't go...

PS: I am also considering a new career path. I was thinking that maybe I could get a bitchin' perm so that I could play the violin with an afro. I hear there is huge demand for afro sporting violinists. Ka-ching!

Woot! It's Friday! And I'm Super Bored!

Friday is always the busiest day of the week. I spend all day freaking out and doing a relatively insane amount of work in what I feel is not an adequate time period. But I'm a trooper. It usually takes me soooooooooooooooo long to get everything done. But today, I must have been really damn focused, because I'm totally done already. And now I'm bored again.

What to do, what to do...

Personally, I'm big on this napping under the desk business. I may just give it a shot. I think it is a hilarious theory to test out. I bet I'll be totally invisible when I climb under there. This is going to be so awesome! (Note: If you work with me and are reading this, please note that I was just lying about that whole sleeping under the desk thing. You know how it is with comedy. Sometimes you have to make up lies in order to get laughs. It's not pretty, but that's just the way things work, alright? Don't get mad at me... I didn't develop the system.)

So... Friday, huh? Pretty awesome. Yep. Pretty awesome...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Who am I, Master P?

I am so tired today. So very, very, very tired. I feel like a zombie. When I am communicating with my coworkers in a verbal manner (read: talkin' wit ma peeps) I feel like there are actual words coming out of my mouth, but I strongly suspect that I might really just be standing there saying something that sounds like "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhh? Uhhhhhhhhhhh." But really, there's no way to tell for sure. Perhaps there is a career as a hardcore rapper in my future after all. I mean, I am from the "dirty south". (OF CANADA!!!)

Or I could just skip the rappin' and go straight to Dancing with the Stars. Master P is an idiot.

Yesterday was crazy fun. Yep. That's right, bitches. I got paid to play games at the beach all day. Jealous much? HA! BUT... this all came with a price. All of that time in the sun left me right bloody exhausted! Also, there was a bit of running in the sand involved. So now my legs hurt. (Don't you laugh. That shit is harder than it looks! It is nothing like regular running!)

The other day I watched that episode of Seinfeld where George sleeps under his desk. At the time, it just seemed hilarious... but now it just seems so goddamn practical! I think I could make it work. I must say, I'm pretty tempted.

There is something to be said about the understated genius of the George Costanza. The plan is almost foolproof!

But alas, I will not do so. *sigh* But I may just go to bed at 5:30. We'll see. Do apples help wake you up? Cause I have one of those. Holy crap, I'm tired.


This just happened 2 mins ago. It was so cute I had to post it right away, before I forgot about it. The following conversation just occured outside my office:

Boss: "Do you have a green thumb?"
Cutest work lady ever (CWLE): "Oh no. I have a lousy thumb! There is no greeness in there at all."
B: *laughs* "Oh, I don't think you're that bad."
CWLE: "I've made plants cry before. It was sad."

HOW CUTE IS THAT????????? Pretty cute.

PS: On the way to the bus this morning, out of nowhere, I heard this REALLY LOUD singing. I think it was the kid across the street listening to his iPod. Weird thing is, he only sang one line and that was it. He was walking along, silently... and then...


And then silence again. So weird. Plus, he totally sounded like a girl. What a spaz!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Go team awesome!

Today is Survivor day. I am super-stoked. I had to come into work early today... for no apparent reason, really. But I'm totally okay with it. Because I'm cool like that.

There is half an hour before we get to head out. So... again with the waiting. Always with the waiting. I think I will need to change my shirt ratio, due to a poor calculation of the weather. I am currently wearing 3 tank tops and a hoodie. This could be bad news, since it does not appear to be hot enough for the hoodie... yet not warm enough for the tank tops. It's a good thing I brought me some sleeves. Woot!

I just now realized how weird it sounds to say that I am wearing 3 shirts. But I am usually wearing a minimum of 2 on a daily basis. That's just how I roll. I enjoy working with the layers. What can I say? This is how we do it up.

HURRY UP, TIME! I'm 'bout ready to THROW DOWN. Like Randy "Macho Man" Savage did to people on a regular basis back in the day. (NOTE: I am very proud of myself for integrating the Macho Man reference. This is not something you hear every day.)

Gotta go. I have 15 mins to figure out how to use my out-of-office reply. I have never been out-of-office before, so I am new to this scene.

Monday, June 19, 2006

I'm like... a machine that manufactures catchphrases. For serious.

Here are some of the best things I have heard people say today (note that most of them are from me. I think I am hilarious.):

"I'm just going to play dumb..." - anon. (This one only makes sense to 2 people in the whole world.)

"Passive-aggresiveness is so hot right now." - me

"Dear chocolate, I think you are one of the most overrated foods ever. You are like the U2 of food." - Dave

"It's official - coffee goes well with sandwiches." - me

"Fact: Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated." - Dave

"I'm so mellow, Donovan is goddamn jealous of me." - me

That is all.

Questionable morals...

...or rather, a question of morality... or actually, more like a question about morals. Yes. That's it.

Apparently, the big boss says that today, due to a "hockey situation" we are permitted to leave work early today so that we may not miss a moment of game 7. Here lies my moral dilemma.

Is it morally wrong of me to leave work early for this reason? Cause I honestly don't give a flying you-know-what about the Stanley Cup this year. I could have gone through the past 2 weeks blissfully unaware of the fact that it was even happening. I would have been super okay with that. In fact... last night Lydia asked me if I wanted to go to the pub to watch the game and my answer (without a moment of hesitation) was a flat out "No".

Yeeeeah. See these guys? I don't really care about them.

SO... considering that I am hoping to completely avoid watching this silly little game, I need to know. Will I or will I not go to hell for possibly leaving early if I'm not going to watch the stupid game? Honestly, I think it's perfectly reasonable if I DO leave... because I should not be punished for not giving a crap about our nation's sport. So there.

The red guy's all like "Woooo!" and the goalie guy's all like "WTF? I hate you." And I'm all "Shut up, bitches, I'm trying to watch reruns of the Simpsons. It's the one where Homer does something absoludicrous and then it all works out okay in the end."

Friday, June 16, 2006

A craptacularly busy Friday...

Today was so super fricken busy. It made me get the anger. The bad kind of anger, not the jokey kind of anger that I get when certain people make fun of me and try to convince me that I am a ghost. No. Not that kind. The kind where I start to talk really super fast and make aggresive hand gestures when I talk.

But then I got un-angry. Which I believe they call, "happy" in some cultures.

All because of Richard Cheese. That dude is fucking awesome. He makes me smile. And his milkshake brings all the boys to the yard because, that's right, it's totally better than yours.

SO... it is with great pleasure that I bring you this. (Consider this my grand gesture, Platypus.)

I love it. SO HARD. I'm outtie, bitches!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I put my pants on one leg at a time...

This one goes out to... ME!

You've all seen this a million times. But I will NEVER EVER get tired of watching this. I was almost crying just now, trying to stifle my laughter because I don't want everyone to know that I am in here watching goddamn videos. But I am. And I love it. If you don't laugh when Fallon starts to lose it, then perhaps you have no soul.

Oh, good times...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Have you ever seen an emo bunny cry?

I have. It crushed me. There are few things more touching in this world than emo bunnies crying. Don't believe me? See for yourself.

Now, I never much fancied myself as one of those "girly girls", mostly because I don't like wearing frou frou dresses and I am a total asshole, so I figured I was disqualified anyways. But it seems as though I might be a bit of one after all.

If you piss me off, sure I'll tear you a new one. But if you show me a picture of a cute puppy I'm all "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!" And men crying? FORGET IT. There is nothing worse than seeing boys cry. That's just too goddamn much to handle. And don't even get me started on babies with squishy faces.

This is just proof of all vicious stereotypes about women. Deep down, we are all schmoopy idiots. And it makes me want to vomit. SO, here is a pictoral summary of how I feel about the schmoopiness:

This man is crying. Apparently he did not get the memo: THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! Idiot. I hate you because if I saw you cry for reals, you would make me cry. Jerk.

This is mostly just to save face. Cause I actually kind of enjoy babies... for like 30 seconds when I see them. Then I get pissed off again. I mean, where do they get off, being so cute?

Oh crap. I just can't EVER be mad at puppies! (This is my actual dog, Dee Dee Ramone. HOW FUCKING CUTE IS SHE? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.)

SO BASICALLY... I am in some sort of weird paradox where I hate being stupidly emotional, yet I am... and now I hate paradoxes. I think. Screw you!

Monday, June 12, 2006

I am not as evil as you think I am because I give people presents for no reason.

Today I gave Bernie what I think is the coolest thing ever. This:

A can of BernieO's! If my name was Bernie, you're goddamn right I'd want this in my life. So awesome. If you ever see "SarahO's", please buy them for me. It will be a shining moment in my life.

Another super exciting thing that happened today was that I finally found a song that I had been searching for! This illusive search started the last time I got my hair cut. Alan and I were rockin' out to his super sweet ipod randomness and this song came on. I freaked out a little. It's totally rockin'. It will make you feel better for secretly loving Kelly Clarkson. Because I know you totally do.

On Saturday, I went to the Railway Club with Jess to check out Sparrow. It was absolutely lovely. I can't recommend them highly enough. SO GOOD. If you don't believe me, CLICK HERE. If you don't love it, then maybe we can't hang out anymore. (It's okay. I'll still love you anyways, cupcake. Just not as passionately as I once did.)

Love you, bitches!

PS: I loves me some Old School. Mostly because I loves me some Luke Wilson. I also loves me some TBS Superstation for playing it 4 times yesterday, even though I only watched it once. Sadly, there were no hilarious "wet brained binker" type edits. That kinda sucks, cause those are the best. Like when you find a stranger in the alps.

Some people say...

... that maybe you should not wear shorts when you have a giant mondo totally gnarly bruise on your calf.

I say: screw you! My legs are hot and I'm doing it anyways!

I have no idea where the bruise came from. But it looks pretty friggin' harsh, so it must have hurt when it happened. Perhaps I blocked it from memory as a coping mechanism... or maybe I just really need to learn how to not be a spaz.

Hence why I felt the Mr. T instructional video about "recoupin" was entirely necessary. If you have not yet watched it, you should really do so. It will help you so much in life, I can't even tell you.

In fact, I tried to recoup on Friday, when I was getting a giant case of beer out of a cooler at the beer store and squished my finger. I nearly managed to convince Dave that I could actually cry on command. It would have totally worked if I had not kept saying "owwweeeeeee!" Lesson learned.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Recoupin'! Take it from T.

I'm all about helping my peeps. SO... you better watch this, just in case you should ever fall down in front of a businessman. You just never know when shit like that is going to happen!

That is absoludicrous!

My goodness you look Superstore...tastic!

Superstore-tacular? Either way you go about it, I look super cute today in my new jacket which was purchased at Superstore. It is my new favourite place to buy clothes. It is super awesome, and I suggest that you go there. Immediately. But don't buy that navy and white striped dress, cause I already have it, bitches.

In other news, it is Friday! Do you know how I feel about Friday? Pretty much like this:

I love Fridays this much! Time to go get drunk! WOOOOOO!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Dreams really DO come true!

Yesterday, I witnessed a miracle. It was something so beautiful... I don't know if words alone can describe it. But I will try.

I accidentally got full cable.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT???????????????????????

I was watching tv... and then the cable went out for a minute... then it came back on... and I got all these channels I never got before! It was spectacular!

SO... I watched a little bit of TBS Superstation, followed by some A&E and snippets of the Family Channel for fun. But then came the truly good times. A little something I like to call SHOWCASE.

That channel kicks some serious behind! I watched Trailer Park Boys and some other show I'd never seen before about an anthropologist... and then it was time for the big guns. That's right folks, for the first time in about a year, I FINALLY got to watch the super hot Denis Leary on his super hot show Rescue Me. It's only like... the awesomest show ever. I love it. And it is in reruns for Season 2 (which I missed entirely) so let's hope this cable business hangs on for long enought for me to catch the whole season! WOOOOOOOO!

I love you, full cable. Let's never be apart again. Ever.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Go Team Awesome!

Today I was faced with the tremendously intimidating task of trying to come up with a team name. It is SO HARD. Everything I think of has the word "awesome" in it (ie: Team Awesome, The People's Republic of Awesome) or is ripped off from some tv show that nobody else but me cares about (ie: Jesse and the Rippers). I swear, if my team were made up of people my age that were exactly like me in every way, that last one would have killed.

So I am stuck. Hopefully one of my other super awesome team members will come up with something brilliant. Cause if you're looking for brilliant, you ain't gonna find it here, sugar.

ANYWAYS, so this whole tv show thing got me thinking about something. I have always wished to be a part of a group of friends that calls each other by nicknames from M*A*S*H.

Seriously. How cool would that be? But how do you figure out who gets to be which character?

Now obviously, I truly wish I was a Hot Lips Houlihan. But let's face it. I'm probably more of a Radar, than anything else. (It's those goddamn glasses. And the short hair.) I wouldn't mind being a BJ Hunnicut either, cause that guy was witty. Much like myself. (HA!)

You can't just give yourself a nickname, or else I'd have a million sweet ones by now. But so far, I don't have anything decent. All I'm asking for is one super cool nickname. Even if it's not from M*A*S*H. Anything from a John Hughes movie would also be pretty okay.

That is all. See ya, sport-o.

PS: I have been waiting for a situation to arise where I could call someone "Sport-o", but nobody I know is allowing this to happen. Do any of you people even play sports? Own running shoes, even? COME ON! I may have to give some attitude to some volleyball nerds down at Kits in order to facilitate this, so I might need some backup.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Miss Stephanie says something inappropriate AND HILARIOUS!

Here is an excerpt from a conversation which took place last night. I did not deliver the punchline. It was all Steph on this one!

Me: "Where are we going to eat?"
Steph: "Well, we've got Chinese, Japanese, Pasta, Pizza, or as Tracy suggested, Ethiopian."
Me: "Ethiopian, totally." (with sarcasm)
Steph: "What is Ethiopian food anyways? I thought they didn't eat."
*laughing, laughing*
Me: "Well that was just horrible... awful, really... good one!"

The End.

Emo is the new black.

It seems like everyone is going emo lately, so I figured I would give it a try too. And what is more emo than writing poetry? NOTHING. So here is my poem:

"Riding the Bus to Sadsville, USA. Population: ME."

is mostly for assholes
who think they are smarter than you
and that is deliciously ironic:
like when a foreigner wins a Juno.

There is so much pain
because I just
hyperextended my elbow
and there was a cracking sound.

I blame you for this.

Emo is hard, yo. Did I do it right?


Blogger deleted my post. So I got mad and wrote a rant. Then it un-deleted it. That is friggin' weird.

So... blogger is so super awesome! I love it!

Are you watching me right now?

Me + Blogger = BFF!

If you don't hear from me in 3 days, please come look for me.

Hello, Monday. What is up?

It's Monday morning. And you know what? That's not so bad. It could be worse.

Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays...

Mondays are usually pretty low key for me at work, so I don't really mind them. It's kind of nice to ease back into the work week. It's pretty okay with me.

We always have a meeting on Monday mornings to figure out what's going on over the next 2 weeks and stuff. Those meetings sometimes make me angry. Because I always have SO MUCH CRAP TO DO. What makes it worse is that the other guys laugh at me cause I always have SO MUCH CRAP TO DO.

For example, this morning's meeting went something like this:

Boss Guy: "All this stuff is for Sarah... more for Sarah... more for Sarah..."
Me: "Grrrr..."
Platypus: "HAHAHA!"
Me: "Shut up."
BG: "... more stuff for Sarah..."
Platypus: "Sucker!"
Me: "SHUT UP."
BG: "... and this one is for Sarah..."
Me: "Crap."
Platypus: "HAHAHAHAHA!"
Me: "Seriously. Shut UP."
BG: "...Sarah gets more stuff..."
Me: "Grrrr."
Platypus: "That's a lot of stuff. HAHAHA!"
* I half-assed kick him in the foot and glare*
BG: "... and another one for Sarah..."
*Platypus giggles like a girl*
Me: "Shut up."
Platypus: "You shut up."
Me: "I'm going to kill you."
All the guys: "Have fun with that." "Yeah, have fun!" "Hee hee hee."
Me: "Shut it."

This was followed by an incident at the fax machine when somebody (gee, don't know WHO that would be...) tried to put the Sully mask on my face when I was trying to read. The mask is awesome and all, but having masks on my face supremely freaks me the fuck out.

Now it is almost lunch. I think I am going to get udon. It will be good times.

Joyeux Monday, mes amis!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

An open letter to Sunday.

Dear Sunday,

You are awesome. We should totally hang out more. Do you want to come over to my house and watch Saved by the Bell? Cause that is what I am doing right now. It is one of the episodes where they are working at the beach club. AC Slater walks around in swim trunks all the time. It is good times. Things will only get better from here... because Full House is on after this! It is the one where Uncle Jesse tries to learn how to dance so he can get a record contract. I love it. So hard.

ANYWAYS, I just wanted to say thanks for being you. BFF!



PS: If any of you fools can think of awesomer ways to spend a Sunday, I'd like to hear about it. Because I think it's tough to top these sweet plans!


Coming soon to a SUPER SWEET WEEKEND near you, bitches.

Friday, June 02, 2006

It tastes (and smells) like burning.

I had some yams that I needed to heat up to put on a salad. I put it in the microwave for about 1 minute to heat them up.

Those little bastards burnt to a crisp.

Now the whole building smells like burning.

There was smoke coming out of the microwave! There was panic in the lunch room! Tupperware was sacrificed! And now my clothes smell like fire.

So kids, the message is: don't mess around with yams, because they mean business.

Seriously. They will fuck up your shit.

And make you smell like camping.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Bang! Bang! Bang! The bigger the better...

FYI, I am listening to "Bang!" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This song is wicked awesome. Check it.

ANYWAYS, I noticed something weird and I wanted to share it with you. I decided to finally check out this whole "Raconteurs" business, and boy am I glad I did! Cause it rocks my world a little bit. I mean HELLO! Brendan Benson (who writes the catchiest songs evs) and Jack White (you bitches know what goes on there) in the same band??? GOOD TIMES.

Notice how Jack White is standing in the back. That is his way of non-verbally acknowledging that he's way the hell more famous than the rest of them. The weird smirky smile? That says, "Remember bitches, I don't need you, but I love you anyways."

HOWEVER... when I was listening to the song "Steady As She Goes" my nerd radar picked something up. What exactly? A total ripoff Joe Jackson ripoff, that's what!

Seriously. Listen to the intro. The bass thing is totally from "Is She Really Going Out With Him?". NO JOKE. Listen to it, and tell me I'm not crazy. I can totally hear it.

I still think the song rocks your pants off. Enjoy!

What's up? I'm the captain of the idiot patrol. Nice to meet you.

I'm beginning to wonder if one can actually develop A-D-D over a gradual period of time. Cause I'm pretty sure I have it. I've done about 3 things completely back-asswards already and it's not even lunch time!

I swear, I am getting stupider by the minute. I blame this on the media. (Just seems like the appropriate place to lay blame... everyone else does it!)

Maybe I should read War and Peace - backwards and upside down for the extra challenge - just to make myself feel normal again.