Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Why? Cause your grandma is not cooking YOU dinner tonight, and mine IS! You are a fool. My grandma will also say some swears and it will be hilarious. That is why you are jealous. My grandma makes the yummiest food ever. It will be so delicious! I'm not sure what she is making though.

But you can bet it won't be friggin' OCTODOG.

Dave, you know I love you, but Octodog is DISGUSTING. Looking at it makes me want to throw up a little. I just THINK about it for a second and I get all queasy-like. I even took the case to a small jury of my peers and they all thought it was gross too. Here are some of the responses I got:

Angus said: "Calamari is more appetizing than the octodog...and I hate calamari. Why would you ruin a perfectly good snouts and entrails hot dog by making it look like an oil squirting, devil spawn sea creature?"

Sheldon said: "Oh god. Octodog made me sick. The horror… the horror."

Rob said: "Wow. That is... really...gross."

My mom said: "Ewwwww!"

A few people just made vomiting noises.

My sister ran out of the room before I could even show her the picture.

The point is, that it's revolting. Everyone agrees with me. Let us speak no more of Octodog.

I hope grandma makes roasted chicken. That is some GOOD TIMES. Mmmm...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


I just saw a picture of Hilary Duff on the internet and it reminded me of the time when Steph, Tracy, Lydia and I saw her at Hamburger Mary's.

Remembering seeing Hilary there made me remember eating at Hamburger Mary's.

More specifically, WHAT I ate at Hamburger Mary's and how delicious it was!

Now I am hungry and I want to eat at Hamburger Mary's.

But I can't. Because I am still at work. And I can't go there after work either. Because I forgot my wallet at home.

And it's all Hilary Duff's fault.

I haven't forgotten about the good times we once shared...

I am getting away from this tv watching thing. And that frightens me! Last night I forgot that Gilmore Girls was a new one... and the night before that I slept through a brand new Degrassi!! A BRAND NEW DEGRASSI!!! This is just terrible. I love watching tv! What am I doing? I am ruining my own life!!

*sigh* I miss you television. But don't take this the wrong way. I still love you. We are so NOT breaking up. You just have to realise that every relationship has its rough patches and that we will get through this together, friend.

We've had some good times together. Don't fear. Those times will come again. See you soon, old friend. See you soon.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What time is it? What time is what?

I slept for an insanely long time yesterday. I fell asleep in my clothes at approximately 6pm yesterday evening... and I woke up at 2am. I was very confused. So I just got up, put on my pj's and went back to sleep until 7am. It was pretty awesome! Though, it was not anything CLOSE to my personal sleeping record.

Back in July of 2002, I slept for a record 19 hours upon returning from my trip to Australia. We are talking CONSECUTIVE hours. No waking up or anything. That shit was CRAZY!

The only other time I came close was when I first arrived in Australia, and I was really sick from being on the plane for so long. I believe I slept for 15 hours or so, and then just hung out in my room. I didn't eat for 2 days, which I also believe was a personal record!

Way to go Australia, for helping me achieve my personal best in at least two categories. Much appreciated, homies.

Hmmm... due to all the sleeping, I didn't eat dinner last night. So I had nothing to bring to work for lunch. Where should I go to purchase food? It's such a tough call. I work in the middle of lunch city over here! We have a Taco Del Mar, a Steamrollers, Bread Garden, Wendy's, Tim Hortons, A&W... and the list really just goes on and on and on. I was only mentioning the chain restaurants. There's even more little ones. Including a ramen noodle house which I think is hilarious cause it's called "Kinda Ramen". Like it's sort of like Ramen, but not really! Or perhaps Ramen-like in characteristic... but not exactly ramen. I have never been there. If I'm going to eat ramen for lunch, it's gonna be from Ramen: TOTALLY FOR REALS, YO! Okay so that place doesn't really exist, but you get my point.

Soooo hungry. I am leaning towards the whole burrito concept at the moment. Perhaps with some sauce on it. We'll see. I'll probably be lazy and go to Bread Garden cause it's so close. Meh. I hate choosing.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Heritage Day is a load of crap.

I just remembered that for my mom, today is a paid holiday. Did you know that today is actually a holiday? It's called Heritage Day, and my mom just happens to work for the one company in this country that actually observes it.

I think I need to get into a union.

It would have been so handy to have Heritage Day off, since I'm SO EFFING TIRED!!!! Seriously. There is only so much staring one can do in a day!

I am supposed to go grocery shopping today after work. I don't want to. I am so tired. I think driving would be a bad idea. Cause if you happen to be walking along my intended route of travel, I might hit you. Unless you are carrying a giant cone flashlight. Then you will probably be alright.

I need to buy food... but I don't even care about eating at the moment. I'm all about the sleeping right now. I just closed my eyes for blinking purposes and I'm pretty sure there was a sleep moment. Dang. I still have like an hour and 15 mins before I get to go home.





I wonder if anyone would notice if I just took a little nap right now... under my desk.

I just stared at the screen for 3 mins without noticing. Sweet bearded Jesus, I need some sleep!

I heard the most amazing commercial today. It is for a place that sells animal feed for farms. It is a song about how awesome the store is, and it contains fabulous lyrics such as:

"... you make my animals soooooo happy"
"We cater to yur crrritters! Uh, that's right!"
"Food for every critter, such variety. Now all the critters are smiling at me."

It's like some sort of farmer rap. Way better than that Bubba Sparx fool. He really is a fool! Yee haw.

Time to look busy again. So much work (not) to do. I am (not) very busy. I must go now and (not) do more work. (NOTE: In the preceeding sentences, if you edit out the (not)s I appear to be really very busy.)

Good night!

Errrr... I mean... later!

Monday morning, you are a cruel one, aren't you?

Remember how I was way tired after the wedding? Remember how Monday morning at 7am came too damn early? I do. It was only 2 hours ago. Monday morning, you are a whore. The cheap kind. You are not worth the money.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the franchisees of Seattle's Best coffee, for picking such a prime location on W. Broadway. It is right beside my bank. This makes things very convenient for me on days such as this when that stupid whore Monday shows up. I can get off the bus, cross the street and stop into the bank for some cash. Upon exiting the bank, I walk right into the coffee shop. Everything is right on the way to work. Bless you, whomever planned it that way. It's like you knew this day was coming and you built your businesses around this very morning. Maybe I am a little bit in love with you right now.

My toes are still numb from my heels. Should I be concerned? I will look it up on the internet. I am far too tired to tackle the official wedding post at the moment... plus I am at work, so I really should probably focus on that. I suppose. ANYWAYS, I gotta go. So tired. 9:25am? Crap. We've got a loooooong way to go, Sally.

Oy vay.

Saturday, February 18, 2006


We are finally here!! YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!! It's all terribly exciting. I am sitting on the bed in the honeymoon suite... but don't freak out. It's not like anyone is doing it or anything gross like that. EWWWW! I'm not a perv. Shame on you for thinking that, pervy perverson!

ANYWAYS... so we are getting our hair and makeup done. It's all very fancy. What else can I tell you? I am wearing my lulu pants that make my butt look good... but nobody here really notices that. Except Tracy. I think she is staring at my ass right now, actually. That is what happens when you read over my shoulder whilst I am blogging TRACY!

Last night was hilarious. Tracy and I went to walmart and bought bathing suits for us and Steph so we could go in the hottub at the hotel. Think for a second about how hilarious bathing suits from walmart are... and then imagine how they look when you wear them! It was good times. When we were walking downstairs to the pool, tracy didn't have any shoes... so she was wearing heels and a bathing suit. She looked like a Bond Girl! It was awesome.

I gotta go run an errand. More later from wedding fest 2006!

Friday, February 17, 2006

I remembered something else!!!

Yesterday I went to visit my grandma. It was the funniest thing ever. Here are some reasons why it was so funny...

1) Grandma really thinks that I do not eat properly. There was much talk of my fruit and veg intake, and how I simply do not meet the standards. I know this already. have not eaten any of my 5 a day so far... and I probably won't! So take that, grandma!

2) My grandma has a live in boyfriend. It's still weird, even after 3 years or however long it has been. His name is Roy. ANYWAYS, Roy carries this flashlight with him when he leaves the house and it is sort of dark-ish. It looks like one of those giant cone flashlights that traffic cops use. He seems pretty convinced that if he doesn't have it with him, people are going to hit him with their cars and/or bicycles. Did I mention that they live on perhaps what is the most brightly lit street in the city? Not bright enough, according to Roy!

3) My grandma swears a lot. She really swore a lot yesterday. It was awesome!!! Pretty much every story she told me ended with the sentence, "What an asshole.". I need more stories that end that way!

4) We made fun of everyone in my family. Heh heh heh... not like it's HARD! Y'all are crazy!

5) Roy walked me to the bus stop because it was dark out when I left. It was 8:00pm. I guess the point of it was so that he would be like... my bodyguard or something. Did I mention that he probably only weighs like 90 pounds? I guess if someone did attack, he could help out by shining the flashlight in their eyes to temporarily blind them while I kicked their asses.

6) They have digital cable. FUCKING DIGITAL CABLE!!! WITH A PVR!!! They don't even know how to use the PVR. It makes me want to cry a little. BTW, basic cable, you can KISS MY GRITS!

Okay, I'm done now. Peace out, homies! Perhaps I'll blog from wedding central. Perhaps I'll wear a funny hat. You just never know what's going to happen.

That is all.

PS: Oh yeah, basic cable... your mom just called. She thinks you're fucking LAME too! Boo-yah!


For me!! Not for you!! HA!!

I got free cake at work today. Someone just delivered a cake to someone at work... for free! Just because. It was awesome. I ate some of it. It was delicious. It had a little bit of a mocha taste in the filling. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... cake! Good times, with the free cake. Good times.

I got my eyebrows threaded on my lunch break today, and now it feels a little bit like they are slightly on fire. It's okay. Once the redness and slight swelling goes down, I will look amazing! A slight burning sensation on your face is but a small price to pay for awesome looking eyebrows.

Hmmm... I will get even more free cake tomorrow!!! I'll be at Steph and Daniel's wedding, and let me tell you, there will be some GOOD CAKE. We had the same kind of cake before, and it's freaking DELICIOUS!! And you probably won't get to have any. HA!

What else happened? Oh yeah. I got up before 6am today. It was total BULLSHIT. I do not recommend it. Keep in mind, I did so voluntarily... but I later discovered that maybe I had made a bad choice. ("Later" was probably about 5:45am when the alarm went off and I was all "Seriously? NOW???") The whole thing was really just one of those ideas that is good in theory... but maybe not so much when you actually DO it. Kinda like trying to pole vault over some power lines. It would look awesome and would be very impressive, cause those bitches are HIGH up... but in reality it's just a bad scene.

ANYWAYS... in half an hour, I'll be on my way out to the hall that the wedding is at to help decorate and stuff. It's all very exciting! I'm going to see about blogging when we are at the hotel tonight and possibly tomorrow. I hear they have made the interweb of lies available to guests. I say: awesome! Nice. Very nice indeed.

So... I'm gonna go now. I am still trying to think of a funny story. I will post again when I think of one. Woot!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Dick Cheney: aka Shooty McLoveshisgun

Or "Shooty Shooterson" would also work.

ANYWAYS... how harsh is THAT? He totally shot a guy! He's so hardcore! Hardcore AWFUL!! I hear he finally started talking about it today, and basically said that yep, he pretty much just shot his friend. SO HARSH!!

Now, I gotta admit... when I first heard this, I kinda wished that he had shot his OTHER friend... the one who has the giant office. That would have been insane.

I would like to make a promise to you, loyal reader:

Friend, I promise I will never, EVER shoot you with a BB Gun. Not even if Santa were to bring me one of the "Red Ryder" variety. Because I care about you, baby. Plus, we will probably never go a huntin' fer some berdies. Even if you called me up one Sunday when I had nothing else going on and invited me to go hunting I would say no. So don't even bother asking. I made a PROMISE and I don't want to do anything that would chance me breaking my promise. Because I am not a promise breaker. Nor am I a "Promise Keeper" cause I think that club is just for boys, but that is a whole different story.

SO ANYWAYS, the point is that I won't shoot you. Cause I'm cool like that. Please don't shoot me either. Thank you.

That is all.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

What's goin' on, bitches? It's fuckin' Valentines day!

So, I have decided that instead of celebrating things like love and romance and puppies and how much I love puppies, etc. on this so called "Day of Valentines"... I would instead celebrate the most expressive and wonderous type of word: The Swear Word. That's right, bitches! Today is fucking Valentine's Day, or as I call it The Festival of Fucking Swearing!!!

Basically, what happens on this most festive one day festival is that you swear at people! It's so awesome! It fucking ROCKS! Plus, when you stick in random swears in a sentence, everything becomes funnier! WAY FUNNIER!!!

So far the festival of swears is going alright. It's not at the extreme level of amazingness that it WILL eventually reach, because I'm at work. I can't really swear at everyone here. Plus, I was working with Phyllis this morning, and I just do not have it in me to swear at that woman. She's just too innocent. I think only Satan himself would have enough evil to be able to pull that off and still be able to live with himself. And even then, like the entire population of hell would be so pissed off at him for doing it, that they would have a full on war going on down there.

ANYWAYS, so the swearing will really fucking take off when I leave work. It will be no problem at all! Why? Because this evening, my plans are like all about love. IT's fucking rediculous. Tonight, I'm going TO A BRIDAL SHOP with Steph while she tries on HER WEDDING DRESS on FUCKING VALENTINES DAY!! It was pure coincidence that it falls on this particular day... and I do believe that she didn't do it on purpose. It is pretty fucking funny though.

It will be even more funny, because she thinks it's funny when I swear. HAHAHAHA!!! I'm going to swear in a bridal shop on Valentines Day... and you are not. You are so fucking insanely jealous of me right now.

ANYWAYS... allow me to close off this entry by giving you a tutorial of how to properly incorporate both the swearing and the love. Here are some examples of appropriate responses to commonly used phrases and questions related to Valentine's Day.

THEM: "I totally love you."
YOU: "I fucking love you too. GOD DAMN!"

THEM: "Do you love me?"
YOU: "Fuck yeah."

THEM: "Do you love puppies?"
YOU: "Fuck yeah."

THEM: "Do you love Valentine's Day?"
YOU: "Yes, I really do love Valentine's Day. Like a motherfucker."

You get the point. So enjoy yourselves, bitches! Swear it up good!

PS: Today is Carla's Birthday!! We love Carla, so let's combine all three occasions into one super fantastic greeting:

It's fucking Valetine's Day!!! But who cares about that cause it's Carla's Birthday!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLA!!!

And THAT is how we do it up, bitches.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Call me Diddy, bitches!

Important news today out of New York City... or as we cool kids like to call it "NYC"... otherwise known as the place where they do NOT, I repeat DO NOT, manufacture Pace Picante sauce. Apparently, P. Diddy (aka Puffy, aka Puff Daddy, aka Giant Tool with an Identity Crisis) has changed his name yet again. You can just call him Diddy. There is no more P. The P is all gone.

When asked about why he has decided to change his name again, Mr. Diddy made the following statement, regarding the P:

"We're going to keep Diddy. I felt, to be honest, that the 'P' was getting in between me and the fans."

If you look closely, you can totally see the infamous "P". Right between him and his fans. Plain as day.
"These days, you have to be close to your fans, you can't be 'too cool for school.' They have to be able to connect with you. I was at Madison Square Garden doing a concert and half the crowd was chanting "P Diddy" and the other half was chanting "Diddy." It was confusing."
Confusing is RIGHT!! Can you imagine how confusing that must have really been? Talk about crazy. If he thought HE was confused, just imagine how the 14 other Diddy's must have felt! It must have been horrible! All of them walking around wondering... "Now, I'm hearing Diddy, but I'm also hearing P. Diddy... are they talking to me or him? I just don't know how to respond to this."
So now we have a solution to this ongoing problem. Stop it with the P already! If you see him, you better not forget about the P. He will yell at you "STOP CALLING ME P!". So don't use P anymore, got it? There will be no more "P"-ing for Diddy.
Mrs. Johnson's entire 4th grade class at Springville Elementary is now laughing hysterically due to the immense number of times "P" has been mentioned above. Apparently they have confused this with "pee". Oh great, now they're REALLY going crazy!
In conclusion, I would like to say that this whole ordeal really proves a point. Diddy is an idiot. Or, as the hip-hoppers in NYC might say in their magical new-skool American slang... "Diddy is an iddy." I didn't just make that shiz up, you know.
Peace out, homies. Bad Boy for life.
*cue exit music* (Ma$e: Feel So Good)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

If I ever decide to get a mohawk, may it look as wicked awesome as Sly Stone's.

Seriously. It looked great! I loved it! Lydia says it looked like it was just glued on top of his head... which actually would be even BETTER! Hooray for geriatrics with mohawks!

Ummm... so right now I am sitting at my desk, being insanely jealous of Dave's mad storytelling skills. Though, to give myself credit, I DO have awesome stories... it's just that I didn't make them up. They REALLY happened. Let's see you write about swearing parrots, DAVE! You can't, because I already did. SO THERE!

This just in... apparently there is a street somewhere in Ontario called Butternut Lane. I think it sounds simply magical! Except for the fact that it is in Ontario. (OH BURN!!! That's right, I said it!)

What do you think is on Butternut Lane? Well... I imagine there is a candy shop where everything only costs a penny, but if you smile all pretty like then Old Man Simpson will give you extra candy for free... and then there is a soda shop where you can get cherry cola FOR REALS, YO! ... and of course, it is not called a "soda shop" but rather a "soda shoppe" because they like to kick it old school down on Butternut Lane. Butternut Lane sounds awesome, I want to live there! ...and I WOULD live there... if it weren't in Ontario! (OH BURN!!!)

I wonder if there is an abundant supply of squash if you live in the vicinity of Butternut Lane... cause that would really seal the deal for me. I would totally move to Ontario for an abundant supply of squash. I ate butternut squash themed lunches twice this week, PLUS a dinner! I love you, butternut squash.

Muahahaha! Now I've cornered the market for blogging about swearing parrots AND butternut squash! My evil plan is working...

Time to work, gotta go! Peace out.

PS: If you get a tea from Starbucks, did you know that you can get a VENTI for the same price as a GRANDE and a TALL? Anyone who does not get a venti tea is an idiot. It's totally more water. Silly fools.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Liar, Liar, pantalones on fire!

The new Conservative cabinet was sworn in today, and it is full of jerks. But you probably already knew that. There are two very interesting stories that have come out of this, and I will share them with you now.

One of the new cabinet ministers wasn't even a Conservative until today. His name? David Emerson. He's now the Minister of International Trade. He is the MP for my riding. The people in my riding (NOT ME!!!) elected him... as a LIBERAL. He jumped ship PDQ, after he realized that being in the non-governing party SUCKS, and probably was on the phone to Mr. Harper by 7:15 pacific time that night to offer his congratulations and secure himself a sweet deal for jumping ship. What a prick. I think that his new job title is technically "Minister of International BULLSHIT"! I wonder how long until the good people of this riding revolt and we will get a sweet by-election... does next Tuesday sound good to you? Awesome. See ya there!

The other interesting story here is actually only interesting because it's funny. It's no surprise that Stockwell Day got a position in the Conservative Cabinet. That dude pretty much has a lock on his seat in the BC Interior... though I will never understand WHY! ANYWAYS... his new job is the Minister of Public Safety!! That's hilarious on SO MANY LEVELS!! If you think about it, it really does make sense... since his main concern seems to be saving us all from ourselves.

So that's why I'm mad TODAY... but things are already looking up. I have brought a delicious lunch to eat. I think it is going to rock a little bit hard.

I do, however have one thing to say to Mr. David Emerson. In the immortal words of Jeff Spicoli...


That'll teach you to rip up my class schedule, jerkwad.

That is all.

Friday, February 03, 2006

My Dad: Magnet for strange and hilarious road rage incidents and Dr. Johnny Fever look-alike.

So my dad is always having friggin' WEIRD things happen to him. Like, this shit doesn't happen to ANYONE else... sometimes I think he really is just making it all up. But he's not. And that's effed UP!!! Strangely, all of these stories typically involve my dad telling people to "stop driving like a goof" and to slow down. I get the feeling that my dad would not get along very well with Sammy Hagar.

ANYWAYS, here's the newest one, as told to me by my sister.

So, my dad was driving down the street that their house is on to go to the gas station for some cigarettes. (The gas station is a 2 min walk away, but this is just too much for him apparently.) There's an school on that street so my dad feels like he should really remind people of this all the time. ("HELLOOOOO!! It's a school zone, you goof!") This dude was driving much too fast for my Dad's liking so he yelled at the guy to slow down.

BTW, Is it grade 5? My dad still thinks "goof" is like, the biggest insult there is.

Dad pulls into the gas station parking lot, and Speedy Gonzales follows him into the parking lot. My dad gets out of the car, and the guy is sitting in a van and he starts yelling and screaming at my dad. So my dad goes over to talk to the guy and tell him to slow down and be a more responsible driver... and this is where shit gets FUNNY.

In the back of Speedy's van, are a shitload of birds. Like, TONS of them. All sitting in cages. Speedy is still yelling at my dad and they are talking things out when... One of the birds starts talking!! He is calling my dad an effing a-hole!! (Except the bird was using ACTUAL SWEARS!!) THAT'S HILARIOUS!!! WHO GETS SWORN AT BY PARROTS??? NOBODY!!! IT'S CRAZY!!!

That's the kind of weird shit that happens to my dad. Swearing parrots in gas station parking lots.

On a side note, I think I may have just come up with the next big hit reality TV show for FOX... DON'T YOU STEAL IT!!!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Wow. This is really boring.

You can tell how bored I am by the number of times I post on here. Anything over once a day means I'm bored. You can also tell that I am bored because I have time to think about weird things like this:

Did you ever "notice" that when you "misuse" quotation marks that "everything" in the sentence becomes "really funny"? It totally changes the "meaning" of the words "you" use. I "think" it's pretty fun! Come on, try "it".

All I can say is that it's a good thing I'm not typing this in a word processing program, cause grammar-check would totally kick my "ass".

Speaking of word processing applications... I was sending an email which contained the name "Klosterman" (of course, referring to Chuck... who is my literary hero du jour and imaginary boyfriend... because I think we would have awesome dates by sitting around and spewing out obscure pop-culture references.) ANYWAYS, so my email had "Klosterman" in it. It is set up to automatically spell-check everything I send. This is where the funny part comes.

Apparently, spell-check thinks that when I write about "Klosterman" that I am really actually referring to my good friend, "Lobsterman". Who the hell put "Lobsterman" in my computer dictionary?

Maybe it really is a word. Though I would be inclined to refer to one who harvests lobsters as a "fisherman", or more specifically, "fisherman who fishes for lobsters". But maybe that's just me.



This just in: sometimes the young hip kids on the Cambie bus in the morning wear patchouli and/or eucalyptus oil. Who knew?

PPS: I hate patchouli. My dad wears it. It sort of smells like dirt. But when the hip kids on the Cambie bus wear it, it doesn't smell half bad. Perhaps this has something to do with the visual component. The Cambie bus kid is a way snazzier dresser. Sorry Dad!


I am sitting at my desk... and they have turned off the radio... in order to play... Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb.

Apparently they decided it would be better if they sang TOGETHER.


I do not think it is better.

I do not enjoy it.

That is all.