Thursday, September 28, 2006

Love means never having to say you're sorry...

So I must not be in love at all because I am always apologizing. Seriously, what is UP with saying you are sorry all the time? Is it really just a Canadian thing? Why do I do it all the time? It really makes no sense at all... because I'm almost never genuinely sorry. In fact, I find it particularly amusing that I can tell someone that I will punch them in the face, they don't care. But when I say "I will hit you in the mouth and I will NOT apologize!" they get offended. The hitting they are okay with, but if you don't say sorry for it later you are crossing the line.

Something happened to me this morning which is quite a fantastic illustration of how ridiculous the sorry phenomenon has become. (BTW, I totally just coined the phrase "sorry phenomenon" so you bitches better not steal it.) *ahem*

This morning when I was leaving Starbucks and feeling like quite a sassypants after purchasing my swank new travel mug (which, ironically will be stationary and never travel because it will sit on my desk) I jammed my finger in the door. Totally squished it. Immediately after "OWWWWWWWEEEEEE!" and some muttered swears I said "I'm sorry!"


So why the hell did I say sorry? I don't know. I'll never understand it. I guess I am trying to make up for the lack of sincere apologies with a flood of meaningless ones. Perhaps this is a good plan after all... because I really fucking hate apologizing.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Can you hear the drums, Fidel Castro?

I have heard people make fun of Abba before. I know. That is 100% crazy. Abba is SO GOOD. I don't think there are any Abba songs that I totally hate. They are all pretty awesome. They make people happy. They bring people together, because everyone knows all the words to every single song they ever made. It is kind of incredible.

I was having kind of a crappy day today. Then Fernando came on the radio. I could not stop smiling because whenever I hear that song I think of this (which is at least 15 different kinds of awesome):

Oh, Bea Arthur. You will never cease to be entertaining... mostly because you sound like a man and that reminds me of this girl I used to know who also totally sounded like a man. It was hilarious. Trust me.

PS: I forgot to mention that sometimes I like to replace "Fernando" with "Fidel Castro" when I am singing this song. It's really for no reason other than the fact that I did it once and whomever I was with totally laughed, so I figured it must be kind of funny. And that whole line about liberty makes it kind of ironic. You all know how much I love irony. (I am irony's #1 superfan!)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Karma? Cool, I'm a Carson Daly fan too!

So I totally discovered 3 stupid-ass mistakes that I made at work today. I felt really dumb. I was kind of grumpy about it. I figured karma would let me know when my equilibrium had been restored... and it did. The moment arrived about 5 mins ago when I was listening to my Go-Go's radio station on Pandora and this song came on:


What are the odds that it would choose THAT group from a Go-Go's station? And then why THAT song? It was totally one of the lesser hits. Yeah. I'm totally copying that dance routine when I get home today.

Fantastic. I love you, internet.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The one where I realize AGAIN that I should have never listened to Platypus.

Hey! What is up? You know what is not awesome? How I totally was at the damn bottom of the football pool this week! It was my first try and I honestly thought I would do better.

Seriously. It was that bad. It was the kind of bad where they don't tell you how many you actually got right because if they do it would crush your will to live. It is that embarrassing.

Some might say it is a wonder I am even willing to try it again this time. But my momma didn't raise no quitter. SO I'M BACK, BABY!

Before I continue I need to get something out of the way. I hope you don't mind...


Dear CBS Sports Football "Experts",

Fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Thank you so much for the shitty advice. I hate you.



But don't worry kids. I'm not throwing away the $2 this week. I've got a new plan. A plan that does not involve CBS Sports in any way whatsoever. Those fuckers.

Thursday, September 21, 2006


I decided to use this title because at the precise moment that the page loaded, I thought of Little Richard on Celebrity Duets and how he's gotten even more crazy than before. That's all he ever says... they sing and then they ask him, "Little Richard, what did you think of the nice lady's song?" He promptly replies, "It was like... I...I...I...umm... burn the dog with strawberries and ice cream... you... fire... on fire... WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The man makes no sense whatsoever. He's gone bat-shit crazy. (Did I just make that up? I don't know. Probably not.)

ANYWAYS... tonight is like, the festival of awesome tv. I'm super stoked about watching the Office. I re-watched the finale last week and I got all emotional about Jim. Like when Jim was all, "I love you", I was all, "Ohhhhhhhh JIM!" Like all putting my hands over my heart and shit. Then there was the kissing, and I freaked out again. "OH MY GOD! I LOVE JIM!!!!!!!!" So basically what I'm saying here is that this is likely to be an emotional night.

I think Pam is super cute and awesome, but if she disses Jim I am likely to call her the bad word. Like, THE bad word. You know which one I'm talking about. That's how much I love this show. I am emotionally involved here, people.

Hooray for the Office! It will be nothing short of awesome.

BUT... you know what is not awesome? The fact that I can't watch WKRP in Cincinnati whenever I want. That is totally lame. I loooooved that show.

Dad? Is that you???

It is still not on DVD, and apparently is probably not ever going to be released on DVD because of issues with music licensing. That is total horseshit. BOOOOOO to 20th Century Fox! Fricking babies. Like they can't just pay to use the music? Idiots. I want to watch it so bad. It makes me want to cry a little. *sigh*

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Heaven Sent

Dear Robaxacet,

I got this for you to show you how I really feel about you:

I really mean it. I really do love you.



Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Remember in the movie Old School how whenever they were about to say something inappropriate for young ears that they said to the kid, "Earmuffs." and would give the kid time to cover his ears before they started saying these horrible things?

I totally wish people would do that to me.

Mostly because people walk by my office and start conversations that inevitably turn gross (GROSS!) and then I am left with horrendous visuals in my brain that prevent me from sleeping at night.

I need time to facilitate this. PLEASE.

So please, people... before you start talking about any of the following:

  • comments directed at anyone over the age of 40 that contain sexual connotations (unless we are talking about George Clooney, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT.)
  • bare butts
  • menopause symptoms
  • health concerns involving the colon or urinary tract
  • body hair

Please give me fair warning to whip out the earmuffs or RUN THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU before you taint my mind with your filthy words.

That is all.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Another case of the Mondays...

My back has a case of the hurts at the moment, which is a direct result of some very enthusiastic swinging of a golf club at the driving range yesterday. They really should not let people just go out there and swing if they do not know how to do it properly. It must have been bloody hilarious watching me just effing give'r with a mighty swing... only to
a) completely miss the friggin ball altogether and then recoup by trying to make it look like that was just a practice swing,
b) hit the ball, but stomp my feet and swear when it ended up a mere 2 feet in front of me or
c) practice my golf poses, which involved me leaning on the club and pointing out to the grass and saying "Yeah, that bitch went wayyyyyyyyy out there. That was at least a 40."

So the sore back is making me a smidge grumpy, but then I got way mad about something else. Why is it that when you are working in word, typing away in size 12 Arial font that suddenly FOR NO GODDAMN REASON it decides that it hates you and your stupid font choice and switches to times new roman size 10! TIMES NEW ROMAN SIZE 10??? WHO USES THAT??? EVER??? Nobody, that's friggin who. Fucking microsoft. If I tell you that I want Arial size 12 it's for a goddamn reason! You will change the font when I freaking tell you to change the font! AND it most certainly will never be a request for times new roman size 10! Grrrrrr.

ANYWAYS... it appears that I am not the only one who has a case of said Mondays. In our morning meeting, Platypus flipped the bird a record 4 times and said something like "I'll school you, muthafucka..." and I can't remember why. It was full of other grumptastic remarks and delicious sarcasm... yeah, I loved it. It makes me a little sad that in order to reach my jerkfaced comment quota I have to get up and walk allllll the way down the hall. It would be so much easier if I could just yell over a cubicle wall. *sigh*

PS: Photographic evidence of how freaking awesome guitar hero is can be found HERE.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Busy like a bee.

Today I had the most action packed day EVER. It was truly fantastic, indeed. Here is what I did:

Woke up early and went to Ikea for breakfast with Craig, Mary and Amanda. I stand by my claim that anyone who goes to Ikea and does not eat while they are there is a goddamn FOOL. It is so cheap! Even hoboes could afford it. (OH I KNOW THAT REMARK WAS INSENSITIVE, YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME. IT WAS FOR COMEDIC EFFECT.) But seriously. It costs $1! The bargain of the century. (On a side note, I have decided that I love going for breakfast and would like to do so every weekend. Want to go with me? Yes you do.)

THEN, I got home from Ikea and decided that I needed to do a bit of grocery shopping. This was not that exciting, but you gotta do it sometimes.

THEN Jess and I went to the driving range. It was WAY fun, and I thought I did pretty okay for a girl who had never hit a golf ball before. I got one to go all the way to the 80 mark! That is like, totally far, yo!

After the driving rage we went to the casino. It was totally weird being there... I had never been there outside of work. It is so crazy in there! Sadly, I saw about a million people that I used to work with and was kind of upset that nobody had moved on. I was afraid to talk to any of them. Eek! ANYWAYS, I totally won like... $30 and jammed out of there before I could lose anything.

Finally, we came home and I cooked vegetarian chili and corn bread for Jess and two of her friends from school. It was the yums and I was quite proud of myself.

Now I am bloody tired and I am going to bed. It's no wonder I'm so tuckered out. That was a lot of action for one day.

Goodnight, lover. (I didn't really mean that. We are just friends. Don't get any ideas!)

Friday, September 15, 2006

Gangsta Gangsta

In honour of the birthday of supa cool Miss Amanda, I decided to wear my bling to work today. I love it so much. It is kind of huge and it totally ghetto fab. It's so hardcore. It looks like this:

The best part about it is that the shorter chain has a locket on it. Currently, said locket is empty. What do you think I should put in there? I was sort of thinking about putting pictures of The Fonz in there. I really do love him, so why not? Or maybe Scott Baio from the Charles in Charge days. He was a stone FOX. Got any other suggestions, friends?

I'm allllmost done here and I'm super excited. Though, I was promised a Neil Diamond sing-a-long before I leave and if I don't get it there is going to be hell to pay. HELL! I mostly just want to sing "Forever in Blue Jeans" because a) it is an awesome song and b) it annoys the piss out of Rob when we listen to it. Good times.

Holy shit. I should put Fonzie AND Neil Diamond in my locket. That would be so hot. *yesssss*

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Where did it all go wrong?

So I gave in and ate a turkey pot pie for lunch. It was alright. I should have probably gone to look at the delicious deli down the street first, but I went to Bread Garden instead. A deli pot pie is probably way better, but whatevs. It was still not bad.

ANYWAYS, this leads me to my current predicament. I have developed a severe case of the turkey sleeps! But I am not done working yet! I can't concentrate because of the turkey sleeps! It is so harsh! I really don't know what to do here, people. The following diagram may help you to understand my situation:

What to do? I am le tired. Hey, you know what would be fun right now? Going to Kenya. Though I am pretty sure the only other person besides me that likes to go there is Platypus. So how about it? Let's go!

PS: Read this. It is so gross. I love CBC.

The wheels on the bus go round and round...

I take the bus to work every morning and most of the time I am kind of amused by it. This is because there are so many weird people that ride the bus... just ask my dad. This morning, I was particularly interested in a few people that are on my bus almost every day... and I would like to tell you about them.

First off, there is crazy hair guy. He seems to have some kind of officey-type job because he is always wearing a button up shirt, work appropriate dress pants (with pleats in the front! Ew! I hate that!) and ordinary looking shoes. He looks like the average working man. Except that the has an afro the size of the planet Jupiter. I mean it! It is seriously huge! The largest white-dude afro I have ever seen. It is terribly impressive and makes me wonder about what exactly he does for a living. Does that hair violate the dress code? (BTW, you should see him on casual Fridays! He takes it to the casual limit, wearing weird t-shirts and sometimes even fitting a hat over the mass of hair on top of his head. It is a true marvel.)

And then there are the two coolest kids in school. The sweatpants kids. There are two of them. A boy and a girl. I really think that life might be easier for them if they just became friends, but no. They are not. But that's just how sweatpants kids are. These are typically kids that are like WAYYYYYY smaller than everyone else their age. They wear athletic shoes and sport socks that are pulled up as high as they can go. This is typically paired with sweatpants. But not just ordinary sweatpants... the kind that have the elastic gathering at the bottom and are a bit too short, so you can totally see the socks. They get picked on for not dressing like everyone else, but everybody knows they are the smartest kids in town. They could build heat-seeking rockets in their backyards and could probably take you out if they really wanted to... but they generally seek to avoid conflict. I love these kids so much. They are the best. I just want to hug them and say, "When Charlie says those things about your mom, he doesn't mean it. Just you wait... at the 10 year reunion, you will be totally loaded and he will be driving a garbage truck - which is a totally noble profession, don't get me wrong - but we both know that being a rocket scientist is way cooler. Right? RIGHT? So you just hang in there, buddy."

Awwww. So precious.

Then I got off the bus and it was so cold out that I decided I wanted to eat a meat pie for lunch. WTF? Why do I want to eat nothing but meat, all of a sudden? My body must be trying to tell me something. Perhaps I should listen. But where the hell can I get a meat pie for lunch? That is the question of the day...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Bizurrrr... it's getting kizzold...

I am totally freezing cold right now. It is so lame. I am wearing a sweatshirt, but it still feels like DECEMBER up in this bitch. When will they learn that if the sun is not shining, THE A/C SHOULD NOT BE TURNED ON. I am seriously cold. I really said "brrrrr" today.

AND THEN to make matters worse, every time I think to myself "Holy shit, it's cold in here." I immediately think "Brrrrr! It's cold in here! There must be some clovers in the atmosphere!"
Damn you, major motion picture Bring It On starring Kirsten Dunst! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!

I have seen that movie more times than I care to admit. I was young and foolish. I didn't know any better. I feel shame.

Friends, I am sorry.

PS: To earn bonus cool points, I would like to tell you how much I fucking LOVE The Clash. I am listening to them right now and it makes me feel rebellious and anti-establishment.

PPS: I realize that to get back to being a shadow of my cool self, I need more cool points. So I will also tell you about how I enjoy listening to NWA at work sometimes. It has lots of swears in it and makes me a fucking badass for listening to it in the office. (Dave reminded me of this yesterday as he was listening to it.) People don't mess with you when you are listening to NWA.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The moments that you wish you were there for...

There are 2 of them. Here they are:

Me sitting at my desk lip synching to "Bridge Over Troubled Water". I was like... emoting. Strangely enough, nobody noticed.

See? See how much he means it? He really means it, man.


Me sitting at my desk singing out loud to "Open Arms" by Journey and "Jive Talkin" by the Beegees.

Yeah. I know how cool I am. You don't need to tell me. (Actually, go ahead. Tell me!)

Email is only improving quality of life.

I got to work this morning and this was waiting in my inbox, courtesy of Craig:

Yes, that is a picture of Sheldon... in public... with a noodle up his nose.
I say well done, Sawchuk. Well done.

Yeah. This is why we are friends.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

This one's for my homie.

Sheldon is visiting from TO this week and in the 10 mins I talked to him I think he mentioned how much he misses Vancouver about 25 times. Understandably so. It is just lovely here, and no matter where I am I miss home.

SO, this one is for you, Sheldon. It appears that a certain Mr. Steve Perry feels your pain about missing a city by the bay.

Good god, this song is magical. (NOTE: This one might actually help you with the ladies. Take note, DAN HILL. THIS is how you write a damn song!)

PS: Whoa...ohhhh...ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Personally, I'd be okay with a little less honesty.

One of the benefits of working with ladies that are nearly twice your age is that you get to listen to the mom radio stations while you work. Sometimes it's coo, like when they play Chicago or Abba, but let's face it... that practically never happens. Most of the time you end up with stuff like this:

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

I used to think this song was kind of funny, but today I actually paid attention to some of the words. You know what I discovered? This song isn't funny at all. It's just plain pathetic.

Obviously, this Dan Hill dude knows nothing about picking up chicks.

I mean come on. Let's look at this a little closer.

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much

If he can't even handle the sheer amounts of honesty involved when coming into physical contact with his lady (and I'm thinking he only means hand holding at this point) then I think it's safe to say they are going to have some "relationship problems" not too far down the road. And by "relationship problems" maybe I mean "problems with relations". You know what I mean.

And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die

It sounds to me like he has some pretty heavy issues with intimacy. I mean... he wants to cuddle, which is nice... but until he dies? With his eyes closed? That shit is just friggin WEIRD. Or maybe this is just his way of saying he wants to kidnap his girlfriend.

I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

WTF? NOW HE IS CRYING? I don't have time for this shit, and I hope this little girlfriend of his doesn't either. After the bit about how he wants to hide, I would have probably been all, "Alright, this shit is getting a little too emo for me. If you start crying like a little bitch, I am SO out of here."

And that bit about the holding til the fear subsides? Child, he could not hold on long enough, because lord knows what HE is afraid of, but I am a little afraid of HIM.

I hope whomever he wrote this song for dumped his ass, moved and didn't leave a forwarding address. Cause you know he's the type to get all "emotionally attached" and want to be friends. He has serious stalker potential.

So basically, what I am saying is that men should never play this song for ladies. Ever. Because it is actually really creepy. No romance here, friends.

Strange Days.

What an odd sort of day.

I got made fun of because I have never had blood taken before. I don't even know what my blood type is. Apparently this is something everyone should know. How could my doctors have possibly overlooked this? Odd. Very odd indeed. Platypus says I should go get it done just for fun. But that doesn't really seem like the kind of party I want to go to.

Then, as I was sitting at my desk just before lunch I suddenly started thinking about what it feels like when you are eating meat. Like chewing a piece of steak or a porkchop or something. It was so weird and random. I haven't eaten steak in about 5 years or so, and I don't really eat anything other than tofu and chicken. Why would I randomly think about chewing steak? Maybe I secretly want to eat steak? Ew.

When I went downstairs to eat, Bernie was serving up lunch to a bunch of people... and what were they eating? Ribs. After I ate all my stupid lame lunch, Bernie wanted me to try his delicious lunch, but I couldn't because I had already eaten. It is all about calorie intake, people. I was so mad. If you could have smelled the barbecue sauce, you would know how badly I wanted to eat it. Now all I can think about eating is that exact meal. But I can't cook that stuff! WTF? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW, HUH?

Suffer, I guess. Unless one of you lot wants to cook me some friggin barbecue for dinner. Which I totally doubt.

Other highlights of the day have included watching Rob do this "Rick Astley video girl dance" thing... trust me. It was GOLD. I am going to go make him do it again as soon as I finish this.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

I did manage to save myself some money yesterday by avoiding the retail therapy session I so desired. How? It was easy.

I decided to walk most of the way home from work with Craig. With all the walking, my frustration kind of disappeared and by the time I got home, the thought of shopping seemed absurd. I had tired myself out just enough to not want to go out again. Hooray!

I think I might be on to something with this walking business. This morning I missed a bus on Cambie and I figured it would be at least another 15 mins for it to come, so I decided to walk the rest of the way. I totally only got there 2 mins after the bus did. And I feel like I have already accomplished something today... and it's not even 9:30am! Crazy. So I might take up some more of this walking thing after all. It's kind of nice. Thanks Craig, for helping me realize that I am a lazy idiot.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Retail therapy, HERE I COME!

Hey! What is up? Do you remember the time when I had a total crappy day, so I went and bought myself a yummy coffee in order to nip the crappiness in the bud early on, but then it totally failed because the crappiness just continued to grow like, exponentially?

I do. Because it was this morning.

I am still in a super bad mood and now I want to buy myself something pretty to make up for it. Like a purse or some pants or something. But I probably won't. But I really want to. So hard.

I still can't stop thinking about Chanel glasses. Those are not cheap enough to buy on a whim. I gotta start saving up for that shit. BUT I NEED INSTANT GRATIFICATION!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, you know what would cheer me up even more than buying myself something pretty? If someone else bought me something pretty. (That was a hint. Buy me something pretty. All of you. I bring sunshine into your life every day and I think I deserve to be compensated.)

Yeah. I'll be spending my own damn money again.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Le beach is le fun!

Spanish Banks is pretty much the nicest beach in the city. I feel like such a fool for not going there ALL THE TIME. But that's okay. There's always next summer!

ANYWAYS, I got in some sweet sweet back to school shopping this weekend and I am quite pleased with my purchases. But there is something else that I want so desperately... it is all I can think about. I daydream about what it will be like when I have it. I'm pretty sure that when I finally get it, I will have no trouble finding new friends. (Or boyfriends, for that matter.) What is this magical item?

Chanel glasses, biatch!

Seriously, though. How fucking cute would I look in a pair of these? I would get respect, like automatically. Example:

*I walk into a room wearing my Chanel glasses.*

Everybody in room: "Holy crap, she wears Chanel glasses. She means business. Let's give her money."

Holy shit. I want them so bad. It's a shame I don't have extended medical, because this shit isn't cheap. Oh well. One day...

PS: I am watching this made for tv movie about Different Strokes on TV. Holy crap, is it funny! (Unintentionally so.) I am pretty sure it was made here. It looked like they showed White Rock. PLUS... Rainbow Sun Franks of muchmusic vj fame is in it. It is the creepiest thing ever. He is playing this weirdo rent-a-friend of Gary Coleman. It is kind of terrifying. But I love it.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Crazy little thing called drunk...

Last night was so much fun times. I can barely stand it. My dear friend Carla was in town for a quick visit from Nanaimo and since it had been bloody ages since we had all seen each other, we decided to throw a little bit of a BCIT reunion. It was totally like my family reunions... when everybody gets drunk and we tell inappropriate jokes and talk about the good ol days. Except that this family reunion was AWESOME and there was no cheek pinching.

It's funny... you never realise how much you miss people until you see them again and you think, "Man... how have I not seen you this whole time! I am a fool!" I spent every day of my life for 2 years with these people and often times I saw them more than I saw my own family... so they kind of became a little bit like a family. It's nice to know that even though we don't get to see each other very often, when we do hang out it is like no time has passed at all. I love you guys! And I love beer.

PS: We went to this pub called the SOHO on Davie and Denman. They have a drink special where ALL the beer they have on tap is $3.75. Even Guiness and Stella. That shit is crazy! And I love it. You should try it.

Friday, September 01, 2006

What a way to start the day...

You will never believe what I saw outside as I was walking into the building at work this morning. It was so awesome. It is one of those things that you always wish you would see, but you don't think you ever will actually see it. What was it? This guy:

Not this actual guy, but a real construction worker, complete with ripped jeans, aviator sunglasses, hat and moustache. It was so awesome.

Had a biker, cowboy or policeman walked past at the same time I think I might have fallen over.

I love the Village People.