A story.

Once upon a time, I had a job. A job that I hated. A job that made me miserable. A job that made it hard for me to get out of bed every day. A job that didn't challenge me. A job that held me back from reaching my potential.

One day, I lost that job. It was a great day.

Normally, here is where I would write THE END and leave you with that. But it's not the end. It's just the beginning.

Grumble grumble.

I recently became the proud owner of a Cafe Artigiano gift card. This was a very exciting thing, because I was about to be living without access to my espresso machine. YES this is a big deal. I should go see a surgeon about getting that thing attached to my body. THAT IS HOW MUCH I LOVE IT. Anyway, the first morning I was cat sitting I stopped in for a latte at the location right around the corner from work. When I went to pay for it, I was informed that the gift card reader wasn't working. ARRRRGH. I paid for it with cash, because I needed the coffee. I needed it real bad, yo. It was delicious, so I forgot about the mild annoyance.

The next time I went to use it, the card worked fine. Yippee! Delicious coffee, courtesy of Lydia. This morning, I went to use it again. THE CARD READER WAS DOWN AGAIN. WHAT. THE. HECK. Again, I really needed a coffee, so I paid with cash. STUPID JERK CAFE ARTIGIANO. That's $10 I would not have normally spent on coffee. I think I am going to save the rest of the gift card to try at a different location. I suspect that it works just fine at all the other ones. Blerg.

Sometimes I think about strange things.

I was just sitting here at my desk, wondering what it would be like if I was in Back to the Future Part II. Like what if past me was standing around the corner RIGHT NOW and spying on me. And past me is reading this and is like, "OMG NOOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!" But I don't even know that I'm changing anything because I don't know what happens in the future. But past me knows what happens in the future because past me has also seen the future. Past me is trying to stop me from ruining the future by doing whatever it is I am about to do. But what if it's too late? What if past me can't stop present me from doing the thing I'm not supposed to do? What if this is the thing that I'm not supposed to do????

Crap. Have I just ruined EVERYTHING?

Twitter: The Criterion Collection from sween on Vimeo.

HEY INTERNET! LOOK AT THIS THING THAT MY FRIENDS MADE! IT IS HILARIOUS! My words are in there. Just look for the giant spoonful of dessert and the dance sequence. WORD.

Fix it.

I never go to the doctor. I've never liked going and have been lucky enough to be pretty healthy all my life, so I never really had to. I once went for 9 years without setting foot in a doctor's office. I know, right? Kind of impressive. So you know when something is bothering me enough to need to go to the doctor, it is a big deal.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor. Yesterday I reached a point where I was finally able to admit to myself and to someone else that something wasn't right. I'm not supposed to feel like this all the time. It's not normal. I'm not okay, and it is time to fix it.

Here's hoping we can figure it out.

I'm ready to relax.

My brain is a strange and wonderful place.

My brain is a strange and wonderful place. Yesterday afternoon, for no reason at all, a word popped into my brain and I could not get it out. That word was yurt. Over and over again, I repeated that word. Yurt. Yurt. Yurt. I finally decided that it was the best word ever. I also decided that I would like to stay in a yurt one day. Yurts are awesome.

Today there is a song in my head:

I like to eat, eat, eat ohpples and banonos!

Not sure why, but ohpples and banonos is my favourite one. I like it even more than ooooples and banooonooos.

What was I talking about? Lunch? Nevermind.

VICTORY!!!!!

I did it. I finally did it. I COOKED MYSELF AN ACTUAL MEAL. I USED INGREDIENTS. I USED A RECIPE. THERE WERE MULTIPLE STEPS.

I'm back, baby. I'm back!

The recipe that brought me back to life was this magic spicy peanut sauce from Everybody Likes Sandwiches. It really was magic. I used it in a stir fry with some rice noodles. OM NOM NOM.

Sometimes life is hard.

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes you don't know how do do things. Sometimes you aren't sure how you're going to get out of this jam.

Sometimes you cry about it. Sometimes in the middle of the crying about it, you realize that you are being ridiculous. Sometimes you stop crying and start laughing.

Sometimes you aren't sure if you've said too much. Sometimes you find it hard to stop saying things. Sometimes you have nothing to say.

Sometimes you write crap on the Internet. Sometimes people read it. Sometimes people don't.

Sometimes life is awesome. Sometimes life is hard.

The worst.

Today was just the worst. I was the worst at being funny, the worst at being a grown up, the worst at drawing pictures of hands, the worst at telling you how I feel, the worst at cooking dinner, the worst at being awake, the worst at cleaning, the worst at understanding things, the worst at not being annoying.

Today was just the worst.

Trade secrets.

Most of the things I write here are true. This is not to say that some of the things are lies, because none of them are lies. These strange, weird and wonderful things really do happen to me. However, I am a writer. I understand that sometimes, in order to make something funny into something REALLY FUNNY, I must inject a little bit of fiction into the situation. Which parts are totally true? Which parts are embellished? Is any of it fiction?

I'll never tell. I AM SUCH A MYSTERY.

Baby steps.

First you finish the laundry. Then you put it all away. Then you make your lunch. Then you wash your dishes.

Then you change your life.

Here I am, back at home.

Here I am, back at home. Six days away isn't a long time. Mostly it felt like it wasn't long enough. At one point, surely due to lack of sleep, it felt like way too long. I called the airline because I wanted to go home. They told me it would cost $500. I changed my mind. I'm glad I stayed.

I have never laughed so hard and smiled so much. There were hugs every five minutes. Then they started leaving. I cried. I cried so hard. I don't think I've ever cried when saying goodbye before. Now I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go pro.

Come back, friends. I miss you. I really fucking miss you.

NOMS.

In an effort to slowly get myself back on the "HEY I LOVE EATING" train, I went to Whole Foods yesterday to get some things. I bought a loaf of my favourite pumpkin seed bread and some delicious cheeses to go with it. I was going to make THE BEST GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH EVER IN TIME. I was also going to make a non-grilled cheese and tomato sandwich to take to work today. BUT... last night I ended up with a bunch of leftover sushi, so I brought that for lunch today. I have to wait until I get home tonight before I get to eat my yummy yummy bread. But I want toast NOW.

This is exciting. There's a kind of food I actually want to eat. TOAST IS THE BEST THING EVER.

OKAY, FINE.

I think it is time to admit it. I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I mean, I have been exercising, which is a pretty big deal for me. But there are so many other areas in which I have totally been failing myself.

I am not eating properly. I used to really enjoy cooking and trying new things. But it seems like lately I've just lost interest in food. I'm not thinking about it as something to be enjoyed. I think of it as something I have to do. Eating has become a chore to me. Something I wish I could survive without doing. Grocery shopping has become a horrible and confusing experience for me. When it comes time to make dinner, I sit in front of the cupboards and stare. I can't ever think of anything I want to eat or anything I want to make. It must have stemmed from being busy and not having the time to cook proper meals, and then just starting to rely on the convenience foods. This is something I hope to change soon. I know I'll start to look and feel better if I start to actually think about what I'm putting in my body again.

I'm also not sleeping well. This probably has a lot to do with the not eating properly (and vice-versa). I suppose there's no time like the start of a new year to start fixing the things you have been doing wrong. Wish me luck, friends. Delicious, delicious luck.

Goodbye, 2009.

This year was really difficult for me. I spent far too much of my time feeling stressed, upset, sick, tired, worried, angry, unsure of myself. I'm not sorry to see it go.

But even with all the bad things, there were some great things. Friends got married, there were babies, people went on exciting trips, I helped people, people helped me, I made new friends, I missed old ones, I danced, and I laughed. HOLY SHIT, DID I DO A LOT OF LAUGHING.

My world has changed a lot in the past year, and I spent a lot of time being afraid of that. I guess I just wasn't ready for it. But I'm ready now. Let's do this, 2010. I'm bringing my A-game. BOOSH.

Changes.

Christmas is going to be so very different this year. I come from a gigantic family. My Dad has 4 siblings and my Mom has 6. When I was growing up, Christmas dinner meant 25 people MINIMUM. I'm used to crowding around a big table with barely any elbow room, hearing 17 different conversations going on at the same time, laughter coming from every room in the house. But this year is going to be different.

My brother and sister aren't coming over for Christmas Eve. It's just my parents and I. They're coming late in the morning on Christmas Day. My nephew won't be at Christmas dinner. There will only be 8 of us this year. It's so WEIRD.

I guess we're all older now, so things are changing. That doesn't mean I have to like it. Meh.
Or HUMBUG, I suppose.

Lazy Sunday

I've been sitting around all day, doing nothing. I managed to make myself some food and got myself showered, but that's about it. I can think of a million things I could be or should be doing, but I'm not doing them.

Housework? Meh.

MOAR PLZ.

2 minutes ago I was working on something, when "Little Red Corvette" came on the radio. I stopped what I was doing and just sat and listened to it for a bit. I just sat there and thought about how much I fucking LOVE Prince. It made me so happy, just thinking about how great he is.

I REALLY LOVE HIM.

Next time you have one of those, "I LOVE THIS SONG!" moments, I suggest you stop for a moment and think about WHY you love it and HOW MUCH you love it. You don't have to do it, but it's pretty great when you do. It will make you smile.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. I FUCKING LOVE PRINCE.

BRRRRRRRRRR.

HOLY MOTHERLOVIN CRAP IT IS COLD OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.

I know. I'm a total west coast baby when it comes to winter weather. We do get pretty spoiled over here in Vancouver. But seriously. Minus 5 is friggin COLD to this kid.

If I ever have to move back east, I am so effed.

SQUEE!

This day started out all wrong. It seemed to steadily get worse. It was pulling me down with it, into a pit of despair. There was a moment when I was sitting at my desk, where I decided that I wasn't going stress out anymore. I was going to snap the fuck out of it. So I tried a little relaxation technique. It took about 4 minutes to do and afterwards I already felt a little bit better.

Slowly, as the afternoon progressed, I began to feel lighter. Tiny things were making me smile. I was cheering up. By the time I headed home, I was actually smiling as I walked down the street. A firefighter said hello to me. I had a bounce in my step. I walked up the front steps to check the mail. MY BOOTS FROM J. CREW HAD ARRIVED!!!!!!!!!

I have been downright giddy since then. THEY ARE THE PRETTIEST BOOTS EVER IN TIME. I FEEL MAGICAL WHEN I WEAR THEM. I HAVEN'T TAKE THEM OFF SINCE I GOT HOME. I WORE THEM OUT WHEN I WENT TO GET MY BANGS TRIMMED.

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

Hence the caps lock.

I think I may have just learned a lesson today, friends. I don't have to commit to being a grumpy miserable jerk just because things start out that way. I can turn it around if I want to.