Friday, August 08, 2008

The Final Countdown

Yes, that song by Europe is awful. But is it THE WORST??? (No. It is not.)

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to join a contest by Alan, my super awesome hair cutter guy. The basic premise is that all participants must attempt to create the SHITTIEST MIXTAPE EVER. What does the winner get? Glory. What is at stake for the loser? This:

Gah! Total humiliation! On Robson Street!

No way was I going to allow this to happen to me. Hence why I spent an entire weekend mulling this over. Here, is the list I submitted, complete with video links and my rationale for choosing these horrific little songs.

1. Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
HOLY FRIGGING CRAP DO I HATE THIS SONG. I HATE IT WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS. Here's proof. WHAT A GODDAMN BABY THIS GUY IS! I need to stop talking about this before I have another "episode".

2. Horny 98 - Mousse T
I just really think walking around with a bombox that is blasting out "I'm horny. Horny horny horny..." is really frigging funny.

3. I've Never Been to Me - Charlene
It's just bad. Awesomely bad.

4. Axel F. - Crazy Frog
This song makes me hate Europe. THE ENTIRE CONTINENT. Eddie Murphy should cut a bitch for this one. I am feeling physically ill after listening to this. Admittedly, I may have
over-caffeinated this morning, but this really sent me over the edge. RIGHT OVER IT!

5. We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off - Jermaine Stewart
This is mainly for the lyrical content, and how incredibly AMAZING it would be to see a dude listening to this in public. It is perhaps the single most embarassing song a man could ever be caught listening to. Especially if said individual were singing along. Seriously. I think my favourite line is "Come on baby, show some class. Why you wanna move so fast?" What I think he was trying to say was, "Eeeeeew, girl germs!"

As it turns out, I did not win. But I didn't lose! Here is the winning playlist:

1) Joan Osbourne- One of Us
2) Bette Midler- Wind Beneath My Wings
3) Sarah McLachilan + Delerium- Silence
4) Snow- Informer
5) Hanson- MMMBop

Which will be followed on the boombox by the LOSING playilist:
1. Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
2. How Bizzare - OMG
3. Don't Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
4. I've been thinking about you - London Beat
5. Kyrie - Mr. Mister

I can't WAIT to see this on youtube. Awesome.


brie said...


I believe I suggested that Joan Osbourne song at one point. I'm pleased to see that it is on the winning list.

The winning list is pretty crappy, but I think your list succeeded in accumulating a whole lot of crap. Bravo!

brie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Embot said...

My coworker's mother used to date Dan Hill, and claims "Sometimes When We Touch" was written for her.

This is the grossest story I have ever heard.

sarah said...

Eeeeeew! The funny thing is, one of my coworkers used to date a girl who either a) once dated Dan Hill or b) broke up with him in order to date Dan Hill. YUCK!