Tuesday, January 30, 2007

You're no good, baby. You're no good.

I've never really been overly confident about myself or my abilities. I've kind of always thought of myself as kind of average. That being said, there are some things I know I'm good at, but there are also some things that I'm *pretty sure* I'm decent at. One of those things is writing. I've always been kind of insecure about my writing. When I read things that I've written, I'm never too sure whether or not it's actually good. I suspect that it might not be awful, but I'm always so worried about what other people are going to say.

I love writing and I always have. Only since I started this blog last year, have I ever been so willing to let people read my stuff. Even still, I have moments of panic after hitting the "publish" button, wondering if people are going to think that I am boring, stupid and a talentless hack.

Last week I applied for a writing job. I had to submit writing samples and was TERRIFIED that they were no good. I sent them off to a few people to get some feedback, because I was so worried. Having gotten some positive feedback, I finally felt okay about it, and I submitted the samples. As you probably know, I didn't get the job. I was told that it went to someone with more experience than I had, and I was okay with that.

But today, I found out that the person they did hire is actually still in school. That pretty much means that the experience thing is a lie. I feel like a total idiot. This means that either this person is REALLY REALLY good, or that I REALLY REALLY suck. It has thrown me for a loop. I feel like maybe I've been kidding myself... maybe people have just been being polite all these years... maybe I should just give it up. Who knew my ego was so fragile!

But seriously... I feel like a dolt. I'm very confused... am I the little train that could? Should I just keep trying like I have been for the past 3 years, or do I just stop? I don't know, friends. I just don't know. All I do know is that I am so frustrated that I feel like crying, but I can't. Because there's no crying in baseball.

Maybe I just answered my own question.


bricktop said...

I really like your writing, it's very entertaining and you have a great ability to create characters (aka the President of the Universe) out of very words which is a good sign (economy of style and all that creative writing school stuff). What else - you're very funny and self-deprecating - I read a lot of blogs and believe me, that's rare. I'm pretty sure you have a shot at being a writer.

Anonymous said...

dearest sister,
Don't give up on your dreams! Anyone who is mildly successful has had to pay some sort of "dues" as they may put it. Just remember what they said in The Devil Wears Prada its just the job that pays the rent. give it some more time and keep on trying.

brie said...

This reminds me of the time, last year, that I was rejected from library school. I was upset. Having invested nearly all of my working-life in libraries, not to mention doing well in university, I felt that I was robbed!

I called the school the next day and asked for the low-down. It turned out that I didn't suck, but that I was in fact really, really good. However, there were a bunch of people that had higher grades or whatever and they got in. But wait! A couple of months later they decided to accept me after all.

I think you have to keep trying. I would hope that your employer didn't lie about the person having more experience. Who knows, maybe they are in school but they are 43 and did a bunch of writing before returning to do their degree.

You're young, vibrant...and write really well! You'll make it, kid.

This pep talk was sponsored by Brie...the best cheese in the fridge.

sarah said...

Awww, thanks kids! Brie, your story made me remember about how the exact same thing happened to me when I first applied to BCIT. It's weird that I had totally forgotten about that... but it worked out in the end, because I ended up getting in after all. I suppose you guys are right. I'll try to be more patient, and hopefully it'll pay off!

PS: It should be noted that any of you could have fabulous second careers as motivational speakers. Move over, Tony Robbins!

Anonymous said...

That thing about "the still in school or fresh out of" is speculation on my part. I don't know for sure as I rarely pay attention to anything that happens around this place...I do know this...you never let me see that there writing you did, and I'm actually pretty good at it somewhat...a little.