Thanks a lot, Mary Hart.

Surely I can't be the only one who wishes that mass media had never discovered Twitter. Before I could just tweet away in peace without anyone asking me what the hell I was doing. But nooooooo. I regularly interact with grown ups who read the Globe & Mail and watch Entertainment Tonight. They are inquisitive folks. Which is why they WON'T STOP ASKING ME ABOUT TWITTER.

So in the interest of preserving what little amounts of sanity I may have left, I have gathered up the most commonly asked questions and will attempt to answer them. Then when someone asks me, I'll just send them this link. On the e-mail. Easy peasy,.

Please note, the questions are in caps lock to make it easier for strained eyes to see them.

Q: "WHAT IS TWITTER?"

A: Um, well... shit. You're like, what... 50? So I guess you probably don't know what microblogging means, then. Okay. So. Ummm... okay. It's a website. You still with me? Great. So you use this website to tell jokes or tell people what you are doing. The catch is that you only get to use 140 characters to do it. The people who follow you can read all your updates and vice versa.

Q: "WHO ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW YOU?"

A: I honestly have no idea. Most of them appear to be Americans. I have no idea how they found me. Perhaps they did a search for "twitter butt drunk smartass". I don't know.

Q: "THEY ARE ALL STRANGERS? ISN'T THAT DANGEROUS?"

A: Well, about 10 of them aren't strangers. It's not my fault I know so many people who are afraid to embrace new things. ANYWAYS... I'm pretty sure it's not dangerous. They are all lovely people who make me laugh.

Q: "DOES ANYBODY REALLY CARE WHAT YOU ARE DOING?"

A: No. Which is why I almost never tell them. Unless I happen to be doing something HILARIOUS. Usually I just write jokes about random things.

Q: "WHY DO YOU USE IT?"

A: Well, part of it is because I want hundreds of people to hear my jokes without having to stand in front of hundreds of people and read them aloud. You know, because then I'd have a total emotional breakdown. The other part almost certainly has something to do with the fact that I am a middle child. But I really don't feel like getting into that right now.

Q: "WHAT IS THE POINT?"

A: What's the point of your face? (Oooh, burn!) I don't know. I suppose it makes me feel a little bit important, a little bit special and a little bit capable of making new friends.


Ta-da! There you have it. My guide to explaining Twitter to other people's parents.

YOU'RE WELCOME.