This is why I look so confused all the time.

Apparently I have the attention span of a goldfish. I think that is about 9 seconds or so. What the hell? WHAT THE HELL??

But really, this is becoming a huge problem for me. When I am working on something, I can get about a good solid 5 mins of work in before something else comes along and distracts me. It is getting really bad. REALLY BAD.

No. Seriously. It's B-A-D.

When I took my shower this morning, I forgot to wash my goddamn hair.

So there I am, with 7 mins to spare before I gotta catch the bus blowdrying my hair and trying to figure out why it looks so weird. Then I touched it and realized it did not feel like clean hair. I took a minute to see if I could remember actually washing my hair... before yelling out "Oh shit. You stupid fuckwit, you forgot to wash your hair!"

So it's 7:54am and there I am, fully clothed with my head in the sink trying to keep the shampoo out of my eyes.


























I'm pretty sure I made this exact face this morning. Minus the binky. (I heard a mom call it that before. Is that wrong? Kinda sounds wrong... like... morally so.)


Oh, you laugh now. But guess who got to work with 5 mins to spare, bitches?

That's right. ME. I may be a complete moron sometimes, but I really can pull off feats of incredible amazingness.

Oh, Grandma...

I just had lunch with my mom and grandma. Now, I should explain to you that my grandma is not your typical sweater-knitting, bridge-playing kind of Grandma. I have the swearing, make fun of people all the time, sarcastic kind of grandma. (Wait a minute... so THAT'S why I am the way I am!!!!)

I wanted to share with you two of my favourite quotes of today. Goddamnit, this woman is funny.

Grandma's reaction to my mom telling her about this baby in China that was born with 3 arms, and now they are trying to decide which one to cut off:

"Oh, that's just terrible. They should leave all of them and train him as a waiter. He'll be fine!"

Grandma on my future career options:

"Oh well don't worry about it dear. After all, you live in BC. You can always sell dope if you need to make the rent."

And this is why my grandma is so awesome.

Does this help to explain some things to you? Good lord...

Did you know...

... that if you take organic vanilla yogurt and put mandarins and organic strawberries in it that it is the most super-delicious snack you could possibly eat? I did.

Eating a filbert sure SOUNDS like a good idea...

I was eating some mixed nuts because they are awesome and probably pretty good for you, when I came across a cute little nut that I did not recognize. I discovered that it was a filbert, which sounded okay, so I gave it a go.

Are filberts supposed to taste like burning? Cause it totally tasted like it was burnt. And not in the delicious way, like burnt toast. In the bad way, like burnt... everything else.

I just now realized that maybe that one little guy was actually burnt. Maybe they don't all taste like that? Now I am nervous about trying another one. These are the things that keep me awake at night, people.

It's always colder in here when it's hot outside. They really like the AC in this joint. (Now if only that were the Slater variety, we'd be happening!) Seriously, WE ARE HUMANS. NOT GIANT MEAT CARCASSES. TURN UP THE GODDAMN TEMPERATURE.

Give it to me, baby!

Why? Cause I'm Rick James, bitch!

But seriously. I know what you are thinking. You want to know what I want you to give me. I'll tell you. What do I want?

VALIDATION.

You see, I consider myself to be a little bit of a clever britches (smarty pants) because I feel as though I often make 100% hilarious jokes when engaging in casual conversation. In this situation, people will usually laugh or at the very least, smile. For me, that is instant gratification! My problem is that the internet is ruining my life.

NOW, with the increasing popularity of the internet and this new "electronic mail" craze that the kids are all talking about, I am forced to communicate through this new medium. This normally works out pretty well for me, considering that I am a bit of a "word surgeon" - a "literal life-saver" if you will. I put some of my best material into emails!

BUT IT ALL GOES UNNOTICED.

I will write the most hilarious joke EVER and hit that send button, filled with glee, thinking about how awesome it's going to be when I get props for my mad lyrical skillz.

But the props never come. People just ignore my hilarity, and continue on as if I had just said nothing of consequence. For me, this is cruel and unusual punishment. It is like you are trying to kill me. I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU THINK I AM FUNNY/CLEVER/CUTE/etc...

So, next time I drop a mad diss or make a witty observation, don't hate - appreciate. Cause I ain't talking just to hear my own voice... actually, sometimes I am, but nevermind that. I need the verbal pat on the head, thumbs up or (my fave) the geeky white kid high-five.















Nice one, seriously. A+ for effort.

Do you want to join the secret jokes club? It's okay. Nobody else does either.

"Oh, hello there. I was just reading the phone book, as monkeys so often do. My name is Archibald and I am a trained monkey. I am capable of dressing myself. I'm currently unemployed, so if you know of anyone whose shoes I could easily fill, please let me know. The increase in fuel prices does not for cheap bananas make, my friends."

Sometimes, internet pictures say the darndest things! I love monkeys.

Awesome or Not Awesome?

This is one of the best games ever to play. One might say it is AWESOME. Let's giver!

Other people having babies = Awesome.














He's right. You should probably not trust hippies.

Also awesome: Me NOT having babies. Totally awesome.

The new Yeah Yeah Yeahs album = AWESOME.

This album is SO GOOD. It rocks the following things SO HARD:

a) the party that rocks the party.
b) your socks off.
c) my world.
d) your world, likely.
e) the mic.
f) your mom.

I have approx. 45 pairs of shoes = AWESOME.

Realizing that I have to get rid of some of them = NOT AWESOME.

Cat Stevens = AWESOME.

Hello, sailor! If you currently look like this, email me. Perhaps we have things in common... like extreme hotness.

Parents finding out that you listen to Cat Stevens and then reminiscing about the crazy things they used to do whilst listening to Cat Stevens... = NOT AWESOME.

Blogging at work = AWESOME.

Working at work = NOT AWESOME.

Guess what I have to go do now.

I'll give you a hint: it is not 100% awesome.

**EDIT**

PS: One more. Posting pictures on your blog and then blogger WILL NOT LET YOU HAVE THE LAYOUT THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO LOOK = NOT AWESOME.

Fucking thing.

It's so over.

What is over? My reign of terror. Over the cats. I like to think that I was the Tony Danza of the situation (aka: THE BOSS) but that's debateable.

For a whole 10 days I kept 2 cats alive, but it wasn't easy, folks. There were some rough moments. Like when Neko ran out the door and didn't come back for ages.

I was so goddamn angry.

And then there was the time(S! PLURAL! JERKS!) when they were both meowing their faces off for hours on end while I was going completely crazy and talking back to them in my angry voice saying things like "I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE UPSET. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU."

And then there was the time when Neko was trying to sneak out the door by way of jumping off of a bookcase and I thought she was going to jump on my face, for reals.

I will not miss this alone time with these lovely (evil) cats (monsters).

WELCOME HOME, PERSON OFFICIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CARE AND UPKEEP OF THE CATS THAT ARE NOT MINE! (aka Lydia).

Now you can clean the litterbox. EW.

Me + work project on computer = no good.

So you may have guessed that I have a work project to do that involves working on a computer. You might just re-invent the wheel if you keep this up, gumshoe! I can't wait to see what you come up with next. It will be delicious, I'm sure.

ANYWAYS, so I'm doing this project which requires me to spend hours upon hours fussing at my computer. I like computers a little bit, so this is not the issue. The issue is that somewhere in between the 1.5- 2 hour mark, my eyes glaze over and start to water. It's like someone is standing in front of me with one of those swirly things on a stick and they are trying to hypnotize me so I can sabotage the Monkees big show tonight.

















Doooooooo itttt... you hate the Monkeeeeezzzz...

OR it is also possibly like there are magnets behind my eyes and there are ALSO magnets in the computer screen and the magnetic force between the two is sucking me in.

OR it could also be that my computer screen is much like the incredible invention known as the "Suck-Cut" and is sucking my will to live.

I think it might be that last one, actually.














Sadly, this will not solve any of my problems. Would it help you? What about if she was in a meadow?

I need to: a) stop yawning, b) stop staring, c) start blinking.

Oh lord. Even if I work way fast, it will still take forever.

I have to fight it. Those Monkees are a talented bunch of kids, and I'll be damned if I let YOU use ME to ruin them forever!

This is why I should not take care of cats or babies.

Because I cannot understand them. And it is very frustrating.

Last night the cats were wandering around, meowing their faces off. At first I was all "Hey little guys, what do you want?"

They had food.

They had water.

They would not shut up.

As my frustration grew, my pleasantness flew out the damn window. Next thing I knew I was having an argument with a cat.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? YOU JUST KEEP TALKING AND TALKING BUT YOU ARE SAYING NOTHING AT ALL. DON'T YOU KNOW WHEN TO QUIT?? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"















And this is what the yelling cats look like. They have such angry faces. I am frightened. Hold me!

If these were dogs this would not be happening. Because I would give them some food and they would shut up. Or I would rub their tummies and they would shut up. Or I would throw a toy and they would shut up.

But not cats. If I touch them, my eyes could swell shut and I will get all stuffy. And nobody wants to see that. And food does not work. Neither does water.

I'm pretty sure they are trying to trick me. I don't know what their plan is, but I know I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

I spy with my little eye... stuff you can see from a boat!

This weekend, I did the coolest thing ever.

I went on a boat.















Coincidentally, we were actually gone for about 3 hours. Weird!

Do you know what I saw on the boat??? Otters! And Eagles! And sea lions! And people on the nudie beach! (Though, I'll admit we were to far away to tell if there were actually people on the beach... but I just assumed they were there.)

I really liked the boat ride. It was a little bit of awesome, wrapped up in crazy amazingness! But do you know what my favourite part of the day was?

When Steph and I stalked a beaver.




















He pretty much looked like this. Hello, funny little guy! Look at him! He's HILARIOUS! He swims and eats grass! SO FUNNY!

Don't be pervy! It was an actual beaver! He swam across from the other side of the river to the boat dock to get some food. We watched him eat and then he got annoyed with us harassing him so he slid off the bank and swam away.

But then we found him again. We chased him all the way to the other side of the dock and ended up standing about a foot away from him while he ate. IT WAS CRAZY!!!

Did you ever see a beaver eating grass on a dock 1 foot away from you? I don't think you did. I don't think you ever will. I think you are 100% JEALOUS!

I was pretty surprised that he let us get so close. Steph said it was because of our open body posture (palms out, people!) which conveyed that we were welcoming.

I liked that beaver. He had a funny tail and he made funny noises when he ate. He also had whiskers. It was cute city over there!

I'm a little unsure as to how I should feel about this...

My own personal hero has decided to pose nude... AGAIN.

No, it's not Pam Anderson... though why she is not the personal hero of all of us, I will never understand. It is DAVID SUZUKI.

I really wish he would stop doing that! It gives me conflicted feelings and I just don't know what to make of it. This is the problem:




















There he is. The Nude-Zuki. (I made that up all by myself! *rock*)

DUDE IS RIPPED. Look at those rock hard abs for god's sake! I don't know anyone MY age that has those! THE MAN IS 70 YEARS OLD!!!

Hence the conflicting feelings.

I should be all, "Ewww gross! Naked old guy!" Which I kind of am.

But I'm a little bit, "Good GOD, he has a little bit of a smokin' hot body." Which makes me feel very, VERY uncomfortable.

It does, however, give me some incentive to work out or something. If I look like that at 70, life will be pretty okay, I think.

If I looked like that NOW, life would be pretty AWESOME!!!!!

If I had it, I suppose I would want to do a little bit of the flaunting it also.

Alright, Suzuki. Nude it up, if you must.

Hey, did you hear that kids? I think I've just come full circle.

(NOTE: I hereby declare that I intend to copyright the phrase "Nude it up". It's just too awesome not to.)

Harsh words sound so sweet sometimes...

Sometimes when you are having a conversation, you come up with the most clever and witty remarks. And sometimes they are so scathing... so mean... and so awesome. I would like to share one from yesterday. I loved it. So hard.

Dave was getting very angry about how people pronounce the word "sherbet" as "sure-bert". (or as I like to phrase it, "Sure, Bert!") He was very angry. He threatened physical violence towards anyone who dares to be such an illiterate fool. (NOTE: Illiterate fool is the new insult of the 90's. USE IT.) Here was my response:


From: Sarah
To: Dave
Subject: RE: Hey Dave...

I used to yell at the illiterate fools in effing kindergarten who said shit like "lie-berry". What I do not understand is why some IDIOTS still say it like that. I've heard them.
That's what you get when you are home-schooled by your mom/aunt/sister who, coincidentally, are all the same person.

To: Sarah
From: Dave
Subject: RE: Hey Dave...

SNAP!

YEAH, I SAID IT!!! I love it when I am so mean for no reason to no one in particular.

















Awesome.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

I just thought I should remind all of you that you should NEVER, EVER, REALLY EVER (to the power of 10 million) trust a robot.




















Sure, he looks like he would be fun at parties... but he will kill you with a suspicious looking lolipop.

Seriously. I'm telling you this for your own good. Dave was kind enough to remind me of the dangers of fraternizing with robots, so I'm just paying it forward, fools.

I would also like to remind you to treat your mother right. You better not talk about other people's moms either. Why? It just ain't right, cause the woman is not there to defend herself.

That's pretty much it for today's public service announcements. You better listen up. BE SOMEBODY, OR BE SOMEBODY'S FOOL. I ain't playin'!

Goddamnit Google video, I love you so hard.

On a side note, after reviewing the robot warning, I noticed something funny about it. These wise words about the dangers of robots would also make an excellent ad in the personals:

If you're a human being, we're in business
If you are not a machine, we're in business.
If you are not me, we're in business.
We're in business.

I hope that one day I will see that in the back of the paper. I will respond with a marriage proposal. And if said individual isn't a total Barney, I might even go through with it.

SHA-ZAM!

Oh minor inconveniences, how you plague me!

There are a few things that are currently causing me grief. I will share them with you now.

1) I can't find my nail kit. I need the damn thing because I need to give myself a pedicure AND I must also give myself a manicure due to an unfortunate incident which caused a nail to break. It looks rediculous. But I can't find the damn thing and it is pissing me off to no end. WHERE ARE YOU, ELUSIVE NAIL CLIPPERS??? WHERE ARE YOU???????????????????????

2) The cats are freaking me out. Mostly because I keep worrying about doing something horribly wrong. I am still alive, and I attribute this to not allowing myself to fall asleep on the couch. One of them already tried to suck my breath, but I fought back by waving my arms around and making loud noises. I think she was sufficiently frightened by my actions.

3) I don't want to buy perishable food items any longer. I can't use my veggies fast enough and I keep having to throw them out. What a piss off. If the hoboes can live off of non-perishables, why the hell can't I?

4) I need to go grocery shopping. But I do not want to. Wah.

5) Everything is boring. My homies are gone at work, and my actual homie at home is gone. This means that when I go home I end up talking to no one. Just myself. It is irritating. I need to get out more. Please help me do this.

6) I hate cleaning. But seriously, who actually likes that shit???

7) I look kind of cute today. My hair is good. But you can't see it, can you? NO YOU CAN'T. If YOU can't see it, then what's the point?

That's it for now. I'm going to think about which of the slang terms and pet names that are currently in my vocabulary are actually work-appropriate. Probably not a lot of them, lover. *wink*

Mind the Gap. And your manners, bitch!

Why are people such jerks on the bus in the morning? Today I was standing by the door waiting to get off the bus. The bus stop was on the other side of the intersection and we were at a red light so we couldn't get off yet.

So I'm standing near the back doors waiting, when this dude stars pushing his way through the crowd. He gets behind men and starts to push me out of the way. So I turn around and look at him like "WTF? Wait, goddamnit." Then he says to me in the most impatient way possible, "Come on, let's go! It's time to get off the bus now! Time to move!" So I let him go past me and he stands on the stairs at the door and looks confused as to why the doors aren't opening... then screams out "BACK DOOR! BACK DOOR!" and gets off.

I don't think he understands how it works. You wait your goddamn turn and get off at THE BUS STOP. If the driver feels like letting you off on the wrong side of the street, consider it a bonus. BUT DON'T BITCH ME OUT BECAUSE YOU ARE RETARDED.

The point of this story is, if you are going to be a total dick to complete strangers, at least do so FOR A REASON. Bitch, you ain't gonna play ME like that!

I got a rad saying from a Trivial Pursuit card which was on the table at White Spot yesterday at dinner. It is from the SNL edition. The question was "Which neighbor could not get Mr.Robinson to stop playing the drums, so he broke down the door and changed the word of the day to 'pain'?"

















The answer is... MR. T!!!!!


I love it. So hard. SO, now when people piss me off, I'll be all, "You better stop playing those drums or I'm gonna change the word of the day to PAIN." It sounds menacing, no? That's right, FOOL!

And one more thing about vacations. All the kids at work are gone. They left me here with all my work parents. Now it's like I actually have to behave myself or something. Dang. DANG! Plus I am still pissed at all you bitches who went on vacation without me. BUT... I did find something that will make my imaginary vacay WAY BETTER. Look who is going to join me:
















That's right FOOLS! We are totally getting matching sombreros.

Mr. T and I are going to party like it's 1989. (Not 1999, because he lost all his money in the 90's due to decrease in popularity with the kids... if we do it up '89 style, you KNOW these bitches are gonna have a GOOD TIME.)

That is all.

You know what I love?

That I am listening to N.W.A. at work. That is three kinds of awesome. Though, keep in mind it was a tame one by N.W.A. standards. (Express Yourself... as opposed to something slightly more offensive... like say... "(blankety-blank) the Police".) Though I am straight outta Compton, so it would make sense for me to agree with their viewpoints.

Speaking of Compton, I am finalizing the plans for my ghetto vacation. I will be traveling to the Caribbean where I will be staying at the marvelously bright and breezy Casa de Sarah. (aka: opening the windows and door at my house.) It has a hot tub (bathtub) pool (bucket of water to stick my feet in) and cable television (but only up to channel 28, goddamn basic cable!).















This is the Caribbean. Pretty nice, huh? They serve Bud Light there? Good to know...

It is here that I will be able to sample the local delicacies (frozen crap from the grocery store... I'm not cooking on my vacation, fool!) and take in the sights and sounds of the local culture (picture of the beach on my screensaver and cd of steel drum music borrowed from my Grandma).

The Caribbean is going to be awesome. You are totally jealous. If you are interested in joining me, you can do so for the low, low price of $29.95. Cash only, fools.

You'll never see prices this low EVER AGAIN. I think it is well worth the price, especially since you get to hang out with ME. Boo-ya!

See you in the Caribbean, bitches!

Smiling through the pain...(THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!)

Okay, I am what is known in some circles as a "klutz". The only redeeming quality about being one of these is that the word sounds like maybe it is Yiddish, and that is a little bit of awesome. BUT, other than the Yiddish factor, it sucks.

I was just now attempting to sit cross-legged in my office chair (if my mom was reading this she'd be all "Why can't you just sit like a normal person? That's how accidents happen..." BLAH BLAH BLAH) when I managed to smack my ankle real good on my desk. This is one of those situations when if you were at home, you'd be shrieking like Mariah and reaching the upper octaves with minimal effort... but NO. You are at work. So instead you whisper some mild swears and make apparently hilarious grimacy faces which people interpret as an attempt at French-style comedy... which actually pisses you off even more because YOU ARE IN PAIN!!!!!












OHHH! And she's DOWN! That's gotta hurt, Bob.

However, it shall be noted that if this identical situation should occur to a co-worker, feel free to laugh it up!

ANYWAYS, how ironic that I should injure myself yet again just as I am about to post about the ouchie factor of 5.2 that my sunburn is currently giving me. (5.2 is mild annoyance, BTW. I use a way different pain scale which cannot be calculated by conventional means.)

I am going to go buy some super industrial strength sunblock on my way home from work today. Woot! Hindsight is not so much a bitch as it is a dirty, ugly whore. (Again, I use a personalized verbal pain scale... "dirty, ugly whore" is way worse.)

My ankle has stopped throbbing for the moment. YEAH, BITCHES! I'll be back on my A-game in no time.

Sarah's Hawaiian Vacation - Imaginary Style!

So, it looks like it's that time of year again. When everyone starts taking their sweet vacations. EVERYONE EXCEPT ME.

That's right, kids. As the new kid in town I am not entitled to vacation time. So, I must stay here and work away like the brave little soldier I am... while everyone else just... hangs out.

That is total bullshit.

I want to go on a vacation! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!

Mind you, even if I did have actual paid vacation time, it's not like I could afford to go anywhere. But that is not the point. The point is that I would be on VACATION.

There are plenty of things I could do with some time off, even if I just stayed here. Wonderful things like:

Hang out with this guy - we could save the environment together.

















I love the David Suzuki. I saw him on Saturday. He almost made me cry. Such a lovely man. We could have fun collecting insects and protesting against things.

OR... I could wear a stupid looking hat.













This hat is awesome! Not only does it protect you from the harsh rays of the sun, but it also protects you from Alien Spaceship Mind-Controlling Laserbeams! Only $19.95 from K-TEL! Act now and we will throw in a pair of BluBlockers...FREE! That's right... FREE!

OR... I could hang out with super cool party people:


















By some super-strange coincidence, all these guys have the same name - Chachi.

SO... I've decided that I will not miss out on all this vacation action. I'm taking a mental vacation. For the next 2 weeks do not expect anything to be done in a timely fashion.

In the meantime, if you need me I'll be on the patio at Milestone's drinking a shitty margerita and taking pictures of passerby with my abnormally huge camera. I'll bring back souvenirs!

Shhhhhhh!

Hee hee... I have a hilarious secret to tell you. It is a testament to my sneakiness.

Today... all day... on purpose... I have been wearing my shirt backwards. No one noticed. I think that is awesome. I thought someone might have noticed, cause it's like... my favourite shirt. I wear it all the time. The other way.














What a coincidence! It was also backwards day in Grade 2. *awesome*


But... as it turns out, it looks totally cute if you wear it backwards!

I think that is way sneaky. WAY!

Did you see me today? Did you notice? I bet you didn't. If you say you did, you are a filthy, filthy liar.