To the right.

It really hurts when I try to turn my head to the right. GUESS WHAT I KEEP DOING.

Eeeeeeeew.

Yesterday was a milestone. A big one.

I. Ate. Fish.

I KNOW, RIGHT? It's crazy. I've never been a fan of seafood, which is kind of a shame considering where I live. It's all seafood all the time over here. Yesterday I was convinced to try it again.

My friend Bernie is the most delightful cook, so I only tried it because he made it. We had this shrimp salad thing on baguettes in this yummy creamy dill sauce, crab cakes with chipotle aioli, crab ravioli with a chipotle cream sauce and two kinds of cedar plank salmon (one teriyaki, one wasabi glaze).

It was all delicious. I'm glad I mustered up the courage to try everything, because it would have been a shame to have missed out on any of it. I'm still not a huge fan of salmon, but I think I'll be more willing to try it now. I'm such a grown up!

Because sometimes you forget what you are doing.

FOR LIKE A WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK.

On Wednesday, I thought it was Thursday. Today I knew it was Thursday, but I was bitter about it. Tomorrow is for sure Friday. That is something I can really get on board with, friends.

All out of sorts.

I'm all out of sorts today. It was that silly day off in the middle of the week business. It was also the OOPS I DRANK COFFEE IN THE AFTERNOON YESTERDAY AND THEN COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP SO I TOOK SOME SLEEPY MEDICINE AND THEN I WAS GROGGY thing.

I thought it would all end when I got home, but nooooooooooo. I walked in the door and I was starving, so I ate dinner right away. This is not how it normally works. Normally I don't eat until 7 or 8pm. So now I'm sitting here all weirded out because I did everything backwards. I have all this time to just... sit here.

This day, it is messing up my brain and I don't like it.

L'autobus... OF EVIL.

The first bus I caught this morning was packed. Every seat was taken and the aisle was full of people who were standing. The bus was moseying on through an intersection when suddenly the driver SLAMMED on the brakes. Everyone went flying. I was hanging onto a pole, but you can't fight momentum, man. I was thrown off my feet and into the guy on the right side of me, while the guy on the left side of me flew into me. Like human dominoes! I caught myself by clutching onto the pole. It was in this very moment when every muscle on the left side of my torso felt like it was being ripped away from my bones. FUCK DID IT HURT.

This left me standing there in an intense amount of pain, trying to act like I was fine. My eyes started to well up a little and I started to feel really hot. I turned around to face forwards and my vision started to go a little fuzzy. I thought I was about to pass out. I stumbled off the bus at my stop and had to give myself a moment before I started walking. The breeze hit my face and I started to feel a little better.

I took some medicine right when I got to work. But holy fuck am I going to feel this one tomorrow. AWESOME.

I fucking hate the bus.

Friday

They don't call it Casual Friday for nothin'. For me, pretty much every day is casual at work. I don't really have to follow a dress code. Even so, I always make a point of wearing jeans on Fridays. It's like a mental thing. It's my busiest day at work, so I like to be comfortable. It's just how I roll, yo.

So. You've seen these jeans before. They are from Old Navy. It makes me sad to think that I can't just go buy some new ones when these ones are done. They were some sort of "special edition" issue. *sigh* It's okay though. They still have a lot of life left in them.

The shirt is from Aritzia. I have a couple of shirts from there and I quite like them. It's a good place to go if you are looking for t-shirts with interesting graphics or slightly different styles of the basic t-shirt.

The shoes are my "Jesus sandals". They are cute, strappy brown leather sandals that I bought about 6 or so years ago on sale at Aldo. The necklace is from Le Chateau. I love the chunky beads and the black/brown colour. It goes with almost everything. The scarf is one of my favourites. Another H&M find! Brie happens to have the exact same one, and Lydia has it in red. Everyone loves it!

So that brings us to the end of this little project. Did you like it? To be honest, I've had a lot of fun doing it. I think this might be something that I keep up. It won't be a daily occurance, but maybe every once in awhile. Let me know what you think!

Thursday

I know, I know. It's summer. But it was raining. SO WEARING BOOTS IS OKAY.

This outfit got me through fall, winter, spring and is now helping me work my way through summer. It's probably my favourite outfit. To make it work for fall/winter, I just throw on a scarf and a long black cardigan. Since the arrival of spring and summer, I've been wearing it with the black flats from yesterday. So versatile!

The dress is from H&M and is one of the best purchases I've ever made. I've worn the hell out of this dress. I love it because it works so well for every occasion. It's casual, but can be a little dressier too. It's also super comfortable.

The leggings are from American Apparel and are the only kind I wear. I like them because they are a thicker cotton and feel more like pants then tights. I don't like wearing anything super sheer for leggings.

And then there are the boots. My beloved boots. They are made by Vagabond and are super comfy. I bought these at Winners a couple of years ago for $5o. I KNOW, RIGHT? BARGAIN. I wore these almost every day in the winter, because they go with everything. I wear them with dresses, jeans, skirts... anything!

Wednesday

Yes. I know. This outfit is remarkably similar to what I wore yesterday. But it IS different. What can I say? I just like wearing jeans. ANYWAYS, let me break it down for you.

A plain black v-neck shirt is a must have, I say. This one I think is from Walmart or somewhere stupid like that. It was maybe $6. The jeans are from H&M and are some of my skinniest jeans. I was a bit shy to wear them at first, but now I LOVE them. The shoes are DVS. A basic black ballet flat is another wardrobe staple.

The scarf is H&M. I love this bright marigold colour. It adds a little pop of colour to an otherwise basic outfit. The necklace is the same one I wore on Monday. (See? I told you I wore it a lot!)

Tuesday

Today felt like a lazy, tired kind of day. So I went for comfort. Cute comfort, I hope! Let's start from the top.

The shirt is from H&M. It's actually long enough to be a dress and you can wear it as such with some leggings. I'm not quite ready to wear that look out just yet. I'm a little shy about it being too tight.

The jeans are from Old Navy, purchased a couple of years ago. They were my first ever skinny jeans, which I never wore because I was worried I was too chunky to wear them. I rediscovered them this past fall and have worn the hell out of them since.

The shoes are my new metallic gold Birkenstocks. They have a cute little ankle strap that you can't see.

The scarf and necklace are both from H&M. I love the big chunky stones on the necklace. I get lots of compliments whenever I wear it. My sister gave me the scarf as a gift and it is AWESOME. From a distance it looks like a very pretty floral pattern, which it is, but there are actually little tiny pink skulls hidden amongst the flowers. I love it.

Monday.

I love this skirt. I just bought it yesterday. I couldn't WAIT to wear it, so I ignored the weather forecast of general chilliness and went for it. Oddly enough, this entire outfit came from the same place, but at different times. All are from Joe Fresh (at Superstore). The t-shirt was purchased maybe 1 or 2 years ago and the shoes are from last spring. The necklace was a Christmas gift from a coworker. (I wear it several times a week!)

A little project.

I've decided to take on a little project this week. (In addition to the giant book that I will start tonight.)

It's nothing terribly fancy. It was born out of my desire to play around with my camera and is also an exercise in vanity.

For this whole week, I'm going to be posting photos of what I wear each day. There's really no reason to do this. I just think it sounds fun. (I was inspired by Mighty Girl's recent series about other people's wardrobes.)

I'm very important and have very important things to do.

When I had my regular cell phone I was always rather annoyed by those people who would whip out their Blackberry or iPhone every 5 goddamn minutes to check their email or Facebook or WHATEVER. I thought it was kind of sad that people could not stand to be disconnected for even a moment. It seemed kind of ridiculous.

BUT THEN I GOT MY IPHONE AND I GET IT NOW.

Oh, boy do I get it. I heart it. We shall never be apart again, Internet. NEVER.

It's funny because it's true.

I actually watched it last night and this was exactly what I saw. I'm sort of jealous of Jon, because how awesome would it be to be able to just look into a camera and complain your face off? PRETTY AWESOME. I'd like to do it right now.

Anti/Pro

Yesterday I wrote something elsewhere about how sometimes I get really nervous about talking to people, even on the Internet. I do love people and I wish I was better at talking to them. I'm one of those people that likes to sit back and watch everybody else interact and try to figure people out a little bit before I actually interact. So I guess that makes me look anti-social. But I'm not. I'm pro-social. (Is that a thing? I don't think it's a thing.)

I'm just a different kind of social. The not talking all the time kind. Is that so bad?

Me Talk Pretty One Day

I went to see David Sedaris at a reading in Victoria at Bolen Books. Here's what happened.

The reading was scheduled to start at 7pm. We got there at 4pm. We had excellent seats, but there was a lot of waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. He arrived just after 7, and read a story that had been rejected by "This American Life", a work in progress that he thought wasn't quite working, and some entries from his diary. They were all completely hilarious and adorable. After the question period (in which people asked some REALLY STUPID SHIT) we all moved to the signing table at the back of the store. Since we had such great seats for the reading, this meant that we were pretty much at the back of the line for signing.

We waited for 3 hours. 3 HOURS. Things started off okay when we were in the fiction aisle. By the time we reached science fiction, things started to go downhill a little bit. We were all starting to get a little tired and crazy. As we winded our way into the final aisle of toys, we all went mental. Touching everything, playing with puppets, pointing out inappropriate phrases on boxes of toys (for example, a fort building kit that said, "Just add bedsheets for endless fun!").

When I could finally see him, I started to freak out a little bit. I had heard him asking people about what they did for a living. I panicked. What the hell was I going to tell him if he asked me that? I couldn't tell him what I do. I couldn't say that out loud. Not to David Sedaris. Oh crap.

Erin and I decided to work as a team, and went up together. (Read her experience here.) After incorrectly guessing her star sign, he guessed mine:

DS: "Sarah... cancer?"

Me: "YES! Whoa. You're good. How did you know?"

DS: "I lied before. I'm actually very good at these things."

Me: "That's amazing."

DS: "So, Sarah. What do you do?"

*Oh crap. Oh crap. Just say it. Just tell him. Don't freak out. It's the truth.*

Me: "I'm a writer."

*OH CRAP. OH CRAP. I JUST TOLD ONE OF MY FAVOURITE WRITERS THAT I AM A WRITER OH CRAP.*

DS: "That's great! What sort of things to you write?"

Me: "Well, for money I work in advertising."

DS: "Really? Oh! I have to ask you something. Have you heard of Zack Galifianakis?"

Me: "Yes! I just saw The Hangover last week. He's hilarious."

DS: "Okay. This is so great. Absolut Vodka hired him to create some ads for them. Have you seen them?"

Me: "No! That's crazy."

DS: "He agreed to do it under the condition that they had to use whatever he came up with. They are so bizarre. They're wonderful. So weird. You have to watch them. Here, I'm going to write this down for you. I don't want you to forget!"

Me: "Okay! They already sound awesome."

DS: "Make sure you watch them. It would be interesting to hear what someone in the ad business thinks of them."

Me: "I'll watch them right away! Thanks!"

DS: "Thank you for coming!"

AND THEN I FREAKED OUT A LITTLE.

You see, despite the fact that this is not my official job title, writing is a part of what I do. Writing is what I do when I'm NOT at work. Writing is what I do sometimes when I AM at work. I'm a writer. It's what I do. I've always been hesitant to tell people that. I've always felt like I'm not qualified to call myself a writer... but I am. I've never answered the "What do you do?" question that way before. I've never really said it out loud. So it was a big deal for me. Especially since the first time I ever said it was so someone I admire so very, very much.

Squee!

See? I'll never forget about these videos now:

They are really bizarre and hilarious, by the way. Check them out.

Also, here is my book! (Photo courtesy of Erin.)

Too much.

I'm not quite ready to sit down and write about it just yet, but I think I'll be ready tomorrow. Until then, enjoy these tidbits from Erin about the time we met David Sedaris. Yesterday. (Squee!)

Brought to you by...

At the end of the day, I looked down at my outfit and noticed something. Every single thing I was wearing came from the same store. American Apparel.

OHHHHHHHHHHH.

My dress, the shirt/dress thing I had to wear underneath my dress for modesty purposes because come on I'm a professional, my leggings and my scarf. All from American Apparel.

Shit. Now I'm worried that maybe I looked a little porny, despite being covered up. That's just what happens when you wear their stuff, right? Whatever. It's cool. I didn't have much dignity left anyways. Losing the last of it shouldn't make much of a difference.

I AM TOTALLY GOING TO GET A NEW iPHONE OH YEAH.

That is all.

PS: WOOOOOOOO!

Lazy Sunday

Today I won't put on any makeup. I'm going to let my hair air dry. I'm going to lie about in my Neil Diamond t-shirt. I'm going to eat eggs on toast. I'm going to do some laundry.

I'm going to have myself a delightful little Sunday.

Really.

Does anybody actually ever do any work in the last half hour before they go home? As soon as I see the clock hit 4pm, I've already mentally checked out. That's when I try to do all the stupid crap that you don't really have to think about. You know, stuff like checking your email 700 times. And drinking water very slowly. And opening and closing files. Important stuff.

*sniffle*

I'm sitting here watching So You Think You Can Dance and I'm getting far too emotional about the whole thing. This one dude finished the Mia Michaels choreography and when they let him through to the next round he TOTALLY STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE HE JUST REALLY LOVES DANCING SO MUCH. And then I was all OH MY GOD I JUST REALLY LOVE DANCING TOO and then maybe I started to tear up a little.

Then they were all "Oh, hey now we're going to do West Side Story." Which is why this show is awesome.

A refreshing change.

Upon my arrival at home from work, I stopped short before falling into my typical routine which is computer ON, television ON, brain OFF.

Instead, I wandered over to the giant stack of unread and half-read books on the floor beside my bed. I grabbed the top one and sat myself down in the giant armchair. Then I read. I read and read and read. Then I read some more. I finished the book.

I can't tell you how excited I am to have actually finished a book. Reading is something that used to be a huge part of my life, but in recent years I seem to have drifted from it. I'll start a book, get halfway through it, then abandon it for something new. The hours I used to spend reading have been replaced by sitting in front of a computer screen or a television. But no more.

I want to make this my summer of reading. I think my brain could use it. So could my soul. I'm going to get to work on the rest of the stack beside my bed. When I run out of things to read, I will come back and ask you for some suggestions. Or, feel free to offer some up now if you wish.

READING IS GOOD. IT MAKES ME BETTER AT THE THINKING. YAY READING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT.

You know how whenever you get a group of people together, someone always quotes Anchorman and then everyone laughs? (Seriously. It happens EVERY. TIME. ALWAYS.)

I did that by accident. I had a bit of a Brick moment.

There were lots of people in here and they were all talking at the same time. It made me very nervous and confused. So I said it, because I really didn't know what was going on:

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT."

Then everyone laughed.

So... yay? I'm still confused, but they think I'm HILARIOUS so I guess it's cool.

That's a lot of look.

I have too much crap. So today is the day where I clean out my closet and say goodbye to the things I no longer need. As Tim Gunn says, you should only wear clothes that are soul stirring. Things that you love SO MUCH that you can't bear to live without.

Yeah. We'll see how that goes. Wish me luck...

So yeah. Eating. That's a thing, right?

When I woke up this morning I still had the tail end of a headache that had been with me since Thursday morning. I once got a hot tip from a doctor that caffeine can help get rid of headaches. So I made myself a coffee. Then I drank it. Then I took a Motrin. Then I felt like I was having a heart attack. It was nearly as bad as the infamous Dr. Pepper incident.

I also happened to have a lot of work to do today, so I unknowingly worked through lunch and totally forgot to eat anything. OOPS. Now it's almost 2:30pm and I still haven't eaten lunch because the thought of leaving the office to get some food is kind of making me nervous, which is OBVIOUSLY a reaction to the caffeine. So I'm sitting at my desk eating chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels, which is a horrible idea because HELLO! CHOCOLATE HAS CAFFEINE.

So yeah. That's what's going on with me right now. What's up with you?

My hair looks really good today, but I'm still going to cry.

I'm there. I'm totally there. "There" being the supreme level of tiredness where I begin to question my sanity.

The dog just barked at me and I thought I was going to cry.

Then I couldn't figure out how to work the XBox and I thought I was going to cry.

Then both of the dogs got all up in my face and I thought I was going to cry.

So basically what I'm saying is that I am probably going to cry at some point during the evening.

I'm so tired. I'm so, so, so tired.

Twenty more minutes.

4:10pm. Twenty more minutes. Just twenty more minutes kid, and freedom will be yours.

Temporarily.

8:30am. Eight more hours. Just eight more hours kid, and freedom will be yours.

Whole Foods is trying to kill me.

It's true. Whole Foods is trying to kill me. I think they put something sinister in my burrito bowl, cause whoa crap am I sleepy right now. Like, way sleepier than carbohydrates should make a person.

Whoa crap.

It could also possibly have something to do with the fact that I am slightly sleep deprived at the moment.

Or Whole Foods could seriously be trying to kill me.

Ouch.

This bed is killing me, yo.

It is a futon mattress on top of an Ikea bed frame. I can feel the slats through the mattress. This is not some Princess and the Pea shit. I don't know how they sleep on this thing all the time.

I have bruises on my hips from this bed. I have a pain in my neck from this bed.

I will be sleeping in this bed for three more nights.

I miss my bed. I miss it ever so dearly.

Doggie style.

This will be the third night of house sitting, meaning that the last time I slept in my own bed was on Saturday. I woke up this morning with an odd bruise on my hip from the futon mattress/bed slats situation. I have actually managed to get some sleep, but not the good sleep. Not the deep, coma kind of sleep. That's my favourite kind of sleep. The kind you wake up from and think, "Oh FUCK that was awesome."

The dogs have been pretty easy to manage. They are a bit needy sometimes, but it's okay. I felt bad about kicking them out of the bedroom at night, but OH MY GOD IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU ARE SO LOUD WHEN YOU BREATHE.

All I want to do right now is climb into my very own bed and sleep for a thousand years. The only way to wake me up before that would be to have a cute boy wake me up, Sleeping Beauty stylez.

Alas, it cannot happen. *sigh*

Towel Day

It's Towel Day! I don't know where mine is. Well, I do. It's at my house. But I don't have it with me, and this is the problem. Well, I suppose the actual problem is that I don't know where my towel is in the metaphorical sense.

I do not have my shit together. I don't know what to do next. I feel like I know what I want to do, but I have absolutely no idea how to do it.

It's kind of a funny day to have encountered a situation that has indeed caused me to panic a little.

Damnit.

HA HA HA!

I am acquainted with at least 7 people whose laugh is an actual, honest to goodness, "HA HA HA!".

This concerns me greatly. I suspect they are all evil. I suspect they are all trying to take over the world. I mean, really. Think about it. Only evil people ever really laugh in such a manner.

Creepy.

Things I am getting really good at.

Things I am getting really good at:

• doing the "I'm totally dancing but I'm trying to look like I'm not dancing" dance on public transit.
• doing the "I totally have to pee right now but I'm trying to act like I totally don't have to pee right now" thing during meetings.
• doing the "I'm totally not working, but I look like I'm working" thing when I'm at work.
• doing the "I look like I'm listening, but I'm totally not even listening" thing ALL THE TIME.
• making lists of things that no one really cares about.

Not even kidding.

Last night I watched Little Voice. I may have gotten inspired. Hence how I ended up in my current situation.

Yeah. I'm in my living room in my pyjama shorts and heels, practicing my Judy Garland "Come On Get Happy" routine.

HEY, YOU DIDN'T JUDGE RUFUS WAINWRIGHT WHEN HE DID IT SO SHUT UP.

Tap dancing in heels is just like riding a bike. You will never forget how to do it. I should put that shit on my resume.

Regret.

Suddenly I'm filled with regret about having never watched a single episode of One Tree Hill.

Seriously, look at this:




WTF? A DOG ATE A TRANSPLANT HEART OFF THE FLOOR IN THE HOSPITAL. IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT. THAT IS AWESOME.

It's like the writers happened to catch an episode or two of Grey's Anatomy and were all, "OH, YOU WANT A TOTALLY ABSURD DRAMATIC SITUATION? I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU. SUCK IT, MCDREAMY."

Ohhhhh man.

Bad idea.

I just spent $50 at the drug store on my lunch break.

I didn't even buy any drugs!

Dude, WTF?

OH HECK YES

Yesterday I went to the drugstore to get some band aids. I also purchased some jelly beans. As I waited in line I pretended as though I was purchasing these neon band aids and jelly beans for a small child. NO. THEY WERE TOTALLY FOR ME.

ANYWAYS, when I got home I accidentally fell asleep at 7:30pm, so I didn't get to eat all my jelly beans. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because GUESS WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW? IF YOU SAID EATING JELLY BEANS YOU ARE RIGHT WOW YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT GUESSING GAMES DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE? I BET YOU WENT TO COLLEGE.

Ooooh, that one tasted like coconut.

Follow your dreams.

I have a dream that one day I will stop having those moments where I look down at my hand/foot/arm/leg/knee/whatever and say, "Oh, hey. I'm totally bleeding."

This happens to me quite often.

I could save so much money on bandages.

Pimpin' ain't easy.

So, there is this contest. Some lovely people have been kind enough to nominate me to have one of my tweets made into a shirt from Threadless! I think it could be kind of cool. If I were to win, I would get $500 and then you could buy my shirt! WHOA. I was hesitant to post about it, but I think it is kind of exciting. So there you go.

ANYWAYS... Here are the links to some of my nominated tweets. If you like them, please vote! I'm so not going to win, but it's fun anyways.

AS ZOOSALLY

Jello Biafra hates T9

Wasabi peas are trouble.

No sleep

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Today I saw the cutest boy. He looked right at me. He had the prettiest blue eyes. He wore the exact right kind of jeans. He had a very nice haircut. Maybe I'll see him again. Maybe he'll talk to me next time. OMG, I would die. I would be so nervous! But it would be nice. Eeee!

~s

This is the part where I tell you that was an excerpt from the diary I kept in high school and that I was 16 when I wrote that.

*ahem* That would be a lie. That shit happened today. HAHAHA!

He did wear really nice jeans though. You can tell a lot about a man by the kind of jeans he wears.

AHHHHHHHHH!

On Saturday, I was sitting alone in my room when my phone buzzed because I had just gotten a text. It scared the living shit out of me. I squealed like I had just seen a giant spider and fell over. It took me a moment to calm down.

Today, I was on my computer and a chat window popped up. It made a "BLOOP" sound. I jumped a little and yelled out, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I think I just took social phobias to a brand new level. Either that, or everything just needs to stop making loud noises.

Sweet Jesus. I think I've calmed down now. *breathe*

I put on makeup for you today, world.

It is the classic dilemma. Do I or do I not need to go outside today? I did put on some makeup. I did twist my hair up into a bun.

But it is rainy and I have no idea where I want to go.

I think I'll just stay inside and make pretty eyes at the computer screen. It's better this way.

Wishful makeupping.

Sometimes it's hard to tell.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if you are doing it wrong or really, really right. This is how I have spent the majority of my day:





















Chillin. In my bed. Sleepin. For like, a bajillion hours.

A combination of several factors has caused me to feel bloody exhausted today. Even now, I feel like I want to go back to sleep again. It takes a lot out of you, this whole existing thing.

Dancing should always look like this.

This makes me happy. So very, very, very happy.




Could you BE any more adorable, Jonathan Richman? No. No you could not. *swoon*

Things I wish I could say.

- I know what I'm doing. So stop acting like I don't.

- I wish I knew why you insist on being so condescending towards me. Is it because I'm a girl? Because I'm young? Because I'm short? (Though I don't think 5'5-ish is all that short, thankyouverymuch.)

- I worry about you.

- Will you sell me some of your talent for 50 cents? I don't think you are aware of how good you are. This annoys me. I have to try so much harder than you, which sucks because I'm admittedly lazy.

That is all for now.

What's cooler than being cool? These socks.

I decided that I was going to go look for some new shoes after work today. Then I remembered that I am currently wearing socks of this nature:


















That's kind of embarrassing, no? They are just so darn soft. They feel nice inside my boots.

Crap.

I'll tumble for ya.

I have a question for you folks. Do you use Tumblr? I'm kind of intrigued by it. I think I want to try it, but I am nervous to do so. I fear that my brain might explode from having to come up with content for Twitter, my blog AND Tumblr. Do any of you have regular blogs and Tumblr? Are your brains all exploded? Leave a comment/email/or tweet me and let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

Good idea.

I decided that I wanted to write a list to submit to McSweeney's. All I have so far is a list of reasons why I should not write a list to submit to McSweeney's. It's not so much a list as it is three lines of "because you aren't that clever." It's in point form though. So it looks like a list.

It's going really well so far.

You've reached Sarah. I can't come to the phone right now. Leave a message.

Okay. So when you call me and I don't answer, you get my voicemail. It tells you that it's me and that I'm busy. It asks you to leave a message and tells you that I'll call back. Pretty easy to figure out. Yet this seems to be very confusing for a certain heavily-accented man.

He calls me from a private number at least 3 times a week. He hears the part where I say "THIS IS SARAH". He is most definitely not trying to call Sarah. Yet he still leaves a message. He talks to me about home renovations. I suspect he is a contractor. He tells me that I need to remember to install the something-or-other in the bedroom. He demands to know what time the delivery guys are coming. He suggests that I call him at home to give him this information.

It is starting to drive me a little crazy. I think I need to temporarily change my message. Something like this:

"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Sarah. Who, by the way, IS TOTALLY NOT IN THE CONSTRUCTION BUSINESS AND THEREFORE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THE CRAP YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, SIR. If you don't want to talk about construction, please leave a message. Thanks!"

Will this work? Is this necessary? Share your thoughts with me on this one, buddies.

I ♥ voting.

First I came home to grab my voter registration card. I WAS VERY EXCITED.





















Then I walked to the voting place. I danced while I was voting, just so I could make a joke about poll dancing.





















They gave me a sticker!





















Naturally, I stuck it on my nose. But remember, kids. VOTING IS VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS.

It's a miracle I showed up at all.

I just discovered that for the entire month of May my watch has had the wrong date on it. I've been a whole day behind. The fact that I haven't noticed it until now means that I'm either really stupid, or kind of brilliant. So clever that I don't need to have any sense of time.

No. I'm just really unorganized. That's pretty much the story there.

Friends, both real and imaginary.

I heard some sad news today. It came with some advice, which was to hold close to the people you love, because life is all too short to wait to do it later. The first thing I did when I got home was to call my best friend, just to tell her that I missed her.

Friends, I'm sorry. I probably don't call, write or visit you nearly often enough. I should change that. But know that you all mean the world to me and I'm so lucky to know you. I simply wouldn't be the person I am today without your incredible support and love. You are all tops!

This goes for my imaginary internet friends as well. Thank you for being the wonderful, amazingly funny and brilliant people you are. I hope to get to know you better.

Just do it.

Things you could do today, if you felt like it:

• Listen to Stars and then have makeouts.
• Listen to Stars and then think about having makeouts.
• Eat a piece of cake.
• Eat a banana.
• Misdiagnose yourself with something by looking it up on the internet.
• Hike up your tights in front of a glass wall.
• Slouch a lot.
• Partake in nasal irrigation.
• Steal someone's pen.
• Smell a flower.
• Take some allergy medicine.
• Build a rocket ship.
• Smile at someone who is a total jerk.
• Go to sleep whenever you feel like it because you are a grown up, goddamnit.

I've got nothing to do today but smile.

I woke up this morning with this song in my head. I think I've listened to it about 7 times today. I've quoted it in two tweets. I love it so much. So very, very much.




It kind of makes me want to go to New York, just so I can be alone and listen to it. Is that weird? Because I'd totally do it.

LA-AME.

Atonement is a boring movie. I probably think this because I turned it on halfway through.

Yeah. I bet that's it.


*time passes*

NOPE. It's just boring.

You've got mail.

For at least a year, my email notification at work has been a clip of Mr. T saying, "It's time to stop jammerin', before I start hammerin'." While it is still HILARIOUS, it was time for a change. A change that was blown in by a mighty wind.

Friends, meet Mike Lafontaine.





Now every time I get a new email, he says exactly what I'm thinking:

"Hey! Wha happened?"

It's probably the best idea I've had all week.

The news.

Is this a thing: actual journalism.

What inspired this tweet was something I overheard on the news earlier today. I do believe it was something like this:

"In other news, American Idol rocked last night..."

The sad part is not that they wrote this and said this on air, but that they HAD TO. I hate that we live in a world where what happened on American Idol last night is news. Remember when you had to go specifically to entertainment based news shows/magazines to get this information? I liked it better that way.

This makes me so proud of that college diploma of mine. Hooray for the media! Ugh.

Om.

I should really never drink coffee. Ever. Never ever. I can never tell when it is going to cause me to freak out. It is just so delicious! Sometimes I just can't help myself.

When the caffeine hits me, the anxiety sets in. I ride the wave of panic. EVERYTHING IS A BIG DEAL. EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

So, how do I calm myself down? A mantra. It changes all the time, given the current circumstances. It's just whatever makes me feel better at the time. Today?

"Everything will be okay. These jeans look really good on you and eventually the Barenaked Ladies will have to break up. They can't go on forever and neither will this feeling of fear and worry."

See? Better already.

HEY WHAT IS GOING ON?

This morning I woke up and was feeling a little groggy, so I made myself a coffee. This seemed like an excellent idea at the time. Turns out, it was not so excellent. Now I feel a little
heart-attacky and nervous. Every time my email notification goes off I'm all, "WHOAAAAAAA!"

Seriously. I think I'm high. I'm typing really fast. CAN YOU GET HIGH FROM COFFEE? I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU CAN. I SHOULD LOOK THAT UP ON WIKIPEDIA. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING OVER THERE, HUH? OH SORRY. caps lock.

*breathe* OH SHIT I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE. IT WAS DARK. THAT'S BAD, ISN'T IT?

I just walked away from my computer for 5 mins and then forgot where I was going, so I came back. It probably wasn't important.

Ohhhhhhhhhh dear.

So nice.

If you have not done so before, I strongly recommend taking a nap on someone else's couch. It's not weird at all. In fact, it's quite lovely. I'm going to go do it now. On a chaise lounge. A chaise lounge that is not mine. 

Lovely. 

But seriously, folks.

I really need to know the answer to this. It's driving me crazy.

How the fuck did I get this bump on my head?

It is affecting my judgement, as I have done a few questionable things since Friday night. Like, say... watching "She's the Man" on TV right now. Am I concussed?

Pikachu.

Fuzzy kitty, originally uploaded by Lydia Fizz.

There are two cats that live at my house, both of which belong to Lydia. This is Pikachu. She's going to be moving to Lydia's fiancee's house.

I think she knows. She's been acting suspiciously since I got home. Poor thing. She's a very nervous cat and I suspect she will not handle the move well at first.

I'm allergic to cats and generally find them to be untrustworthy, so we have not had the best relationship. But you know what? I think I might even miss her a little. Especially because the cat that is NOT moving is kind of an asshole.

Pikachu and I had a little moment today. I gave her a pet and scratched her behind the ears.

You're alright, Pikachu. You're alright.

Sitting.

I'm house sitting for a week, which is kind of weird. It's a little strange to find yourself alone with someone else's stuff. I'm afraid to use anything. Except the TV... WHICH HAS HBO. The best.

I'm here to look after a cat. A cat which I have not actually seen yet. She hides from people. Last night I was convinced that this cat didn't actually exist. However, this morning she was kind enough to leave proof of her existence on the rug. Gross.

I forgot my toothbrush. I haven't showered yet. I feel gross. I'm going back to my house so that I can do some laundry and feel normal again.

Yes, this is my life. It is so very glamourous.

Oh, hey. Nice to meet you, dude who totally was part of a thing that changed my life.

This morning when I was sitting in front of the mirror wearing a towel and putting on my makeup, Nirvana came on the radio. It was "All Apologies". I paused for a moment and listened. I looked in the mirror and laughed at how some things never change. I had totally had the exact same moment when I was 13, in my room at my parents' house.


I would shut myself up in my room for hours, cycling through all the albums and starting over again when I got to the end of Unplugged. This music was my adolescent experience. I was angsty. It was angsty. It made me feel normal. It meant the world to me.

Which is why I FREAKED OUT when I turned around this morning to see Krist Novoselic standing behind me.

"HOLY SHIT. He's right there. Holy shit. What do I do? I'm too scared to move. I'm going to cry. HOLY SHIT."

The next thing I know, I'm standing in front of him. Wow, he's tall. He's 6'8. I'm 5'6. This could not possibly look more comical. He looks at me and smiles. He leans forward so he's not so far up, and grabs my hand to shake it. His hand is giant. It is also very soft. He has a firm handshake.

"Hi, I'm Krist. What's your name?"
"Hi. I'm Sarah."
"Sarah? It's so nice to meet you, Sarah."
"It's great to meet you too."

Then the inner dialogue kicks in. Ohmygoddoyouknowwhoyouare? You were in Nirvana. YOU WERE IN NIRVANA. I was in love with you when I was 13. Is there a non-creepy way for me to tell you that your music changed my life? No. No there's not. HOLY SHIT YOU WERE IN NIRVANA. Wow, you are seriously tall. And so nice. You are seriously nice. I want to be your friend. GOD DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

We pose for a photo. He is standing right behind me. I'm a midget. DID HE JUST TOUCH ME AGAIN? I'm going to cry. This is awesome. Is this really happening?

We all say thank you. He thanks us.

"Thanks, you guys. It was really wonderful to meet you all."

HE was glad to have met ME.

I walk around the corner. When I know he can't see or hear me anymore I have my 13 year old freak out.

HE WAS IN NIRVANA. AND HE SHOOK MY HAND.

Best. Day. Ever.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

I'm awake. It's 1am. I have to wake up for work at 6:40am. That's not cool, man.

Why am I still awake? Because I secretly feel the need to punish myself? Because one of you put a voodoo curse on me?

Quick, somebody call me and sing me a lullaby.

Sweet talkin'.

I just got off the phone with an investment advisor from the bank. I have no idea what the hell he just said to me, but I think I might have agreed to something sinister.

Guys could learn a lot from these phone investment advisors. That dude could have probably convinced me to do just about anything. ANYTHING. He didn't even sound hot, I was just super confused.

I wonder how this will turn out? Only time will tell...

Ummm...

This is my favourite part of any Flight of the Conchords song EVER:

"Sometimes when I freestyle, I... lose confidence."

Me too, Jemaine. Me too. Honestly, is there anything more terrifying than someone looking right at you and saying, "Quick, say something funny!" Holy shit.

The best I can ever manage to come up with is to simply yell, "PANTS!" It's my go-to. Why, I do not know. It's not even funny. (Well, it is funny after you have spent at least 30 mins repeating the word over and over again.)

Mawwidge...

Yesterday my Grandma informed me that she would like me to get married, already. Not because she thinks I am missing out on love and companionship or anything like that. When I said I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to be married, this is what she said:

"I'm not trying to rush you or anything... but do you realize that when you get married, you basically double your income? Think of all the spending you could do! Buy a condo! Buy some shoes! It's so great!"

Damn her and her logic.

Unfollow.

If you use Twitter, then you are probably familiar with the pain and heartache of the unfollow. Sometimes it comes in waves, like when you say something horribly offensive. Or perhaps you have made one too many puns. Or maybe you talked about hanging out with no pants on... AGAIN. *ahem*

There are things like Qwitter, which send you an email and tell you who unfollows you and which tweet made them leave. I don't play that game, because I know my ego is far too fragile to deal with that sort of information. However, sometimes I discover by accident that people have unfollowed me. This sucks, because it is always someone that I follow and therefore think is hilarious and awesome.

I'm not going to lie to you. It is a little upsetting to know that someone has given up on you. Especially if it's someone who you have come to admire and appreciate. But you have to remember, it's not personal.

I like to look at the unfollow as less of a, "YOU SUCK, YOU TALENTLESS HACK." and more of a, "It was fun while it lasted, but your brand of comedy just really isn't resonating with me at this particular point in my life. Good luck in your future endeavors."

That's nicer, isn't it? An amicable parting of ways.

"Unfollows are a little easier to take if you imagine them zipping away in a little boat, while you stand on the shore waving farewell." - me, from Twitter

So if you unfollow me, you can imagine me waving from the shore and calling out after you, "Bye! Have a safe trip! See you around!"

Then I go back home and sit around in my underwear so I can write about sitting around in my underwear.

Crap. You aren't coming back, are you?

BORING.

A thought occurred to me just now, as I sat here staring at my computer screen.

"You know what Google needs? More stuff to look at."

No. It doesn't, actually. But whatever. ANYWAYS, this caused me to start exploring all the crap that I have attached to my Google account. I came across something that I hadn't noticed before: Orkut.

What the hell is Orkut? It seems to be a little like Facebook... or is it the other way around? Does anyone use it? Should I use it?

I probably won't, because let's be honest. As if I need to further immerse myself in social networking. AS. IF. I am a little curious about it though. So, if you have used it or know anything about it, let me know.

Also, I am very bored right now. Please entertain me. KTHXBAI.

Found.

I found this in the alley near my house.

Somewhere, there is a very pissed off whore of a Barbie doll who has nothing to wear to the Poison reunion concert.

Brrrrr.

Even in the middle of summer, this room will always be freezing cold when I am going to bed. Always.

No, seriously. Always.

Poor people love Twitter too.

This makes me laugh... and not just because I'm in it. In fact, I'm probably the least amusing part of the whole thing. I'm totally okay with that.




Downward: Twitter Stories from Moe Levin on Vimeo.

(@ErsatzMoe)

Buzz.

So... it is 1:10am and I am still awake, despite feeling tired. I have also managed to bruise my hand by fiddling around with a gadget that I can't get to work. Not cool, man. Not cool.

...

...

...

OH HEY, MAYBE I SHOULD LIVE BLOG THIS. WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

1:12am: Oh, hey. What's up, 1:12am? What. Is. Up.

1:14am: I look pretty adorable in my pj's.

1:17am: Hey, remember when I used to read books? HA!

1:18am: I should probably get back into that. I've gotten dumber since I stopped. I'm sure of it.

1:21am: At least I don't live in the east, because then it would be like, 4:21am and I would be SUPER PISSED OFF.

1:25am: I need an insomnia buddy. Who wants to volunteer?

1:26am: No, seriously. I need you to entertain me.

1:28am: Part-time position, starts IMMEDIATELY.

1:30am: I bet I can stand on my head.

1:31am: I cannot stand on my head.

1:36am: I wish I had some cheese.

1:38am: How often can you Google yourself before it starts getting weird?

1:40am: Your mom goes to college.

1:41am: Just hangin' out. In the dark. With my eyes open. Again.

1:48am: I JUST YAWNED. This is promising.

1:50am: And now, time for a little interpretive dance number.

1:52am: And now, time to act like my foot doesn't hurt from stepping on that pen.

1:55am: If I sneeze one day and my eye pops out, I'm going to be very upset.

1:56am: OH, COME ON!

1:58am: I bet there is a pea under my mattress. It is the only logical explanation.

2:00am: This was way funnier the first time.

2:02am: I'm bored. Who wants to go operate some heavy machinery?

2:04am: It could be worse. I could be living in Manitoba. (No offense.)

2:05am: I take it back. But only the no offense part. SUCK IT, MANITOBA.

2:10am: I'm going to stop now.

2:11am: Ugh.

Good night. Morning? Whatthefuckever.

Hot and Cold

A friend posted this on Facebook and I think it is amazing. The best part about it is the back-up singers.



YOU! BUT YOU!

Workin' it.

I don't know what it is about today, but I just feel like DANCING. I want to dance while I'm wearing these pants and then when I get home I'll dance around in no pants.

I still don't understand why the guys I work with don't support regularly scheduled dance breaks. Whatever. They probably couldn't handle these moves anyways.

Ummmm... here. Dance to this. It's what I'll be dancing to allllllll night long:

17 again.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE MOVIE OF THE SAME TITLE.

This is about how I feel like I'm 17 again, as I sit here listening to the new Depeche Mode album. I can't even tell you how much time I spent sitting up in my room swooning over Dave Gahan and dancing my heart out. It was the one fond memory I have of being a teenager. EVERYTHING ELSE SUCKED. Which actually kind of explains why I listened to Depeche Mode so much.

ANYWAYS... they still sound amazing. Heart. Heart, heart, heart.

Those are nonsensical words!

Dang diggy dang, etc.



My booty loves this song. As do my ears, but you don't really care about that, do you?

You're the best!

I got an email this morning that said, "Thanks! You're the best!"

So of course my brain goes into full on Joe Esposito mode right after reading that. This is what I have been singing all morning:



I'm the best. Around. Nothing's ever gonna keep me down.

I have proof. IN WRITING.

I ran. I ran so far away. I ran. I ran all night and day.

AND THEN I COLLAPSED IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR IMMEDIATELY UPON ARRIVAL AT HOME.

10K is pretty far. It makes parts on your body hurt that you didn't know could hurt. It also makes you hungry. Really, REALLY hungry.

Yeah. I have no idea how old this salsa is.

Nice one, IDIOT.

Need some bad ideas? Look no further.

Tonight I am going for all you can eat sushi and Korean BBQ. Which will be followed the next morning by a 10K run. A 10K run that I have not trained for. I'm going to die. I'm going to vomit in public and then I'm going to die.

I still have a whole day to contract some sort of illness. (Which also qualifies as a remarkably stupid idea.)

This can't possibly end well.

It's just like in real life!

So I had heard about this video before, but never actually had the patience to watch the whole damn thing. Hence why I just figured out that I'm actually in it. Say whaaaaaa?

Basically, there was this conference in where some Germans read tweets from Favrd out loud in English and videotaped it. They are all sort of grouped thematically, and it ends up being rather hilarious and weird. Especially with those cute little accents.

Here's the link. They start speaking English at the 16:00 min mark. I pop up somewhere around 21:00 ish.

Nobody laughed at mine. See? Just like in real life.

The ritual.

I have this thing that I do at least once a week. Usually more. Typically it is on Friday nights, but it can happen any time I happen to come home to an empty house.

I put on my iPod.

I put on this song.

I dance. I dance like I need the money. I dance like the fate of the universe depends on it. I dance like a hybrid James Brown/David Byrne robot.

I do the Molly Ringwald, mixed with the froog, topped with the most intense motherfucking shimmying you have ever seen. I flip my hair, I clap my hands, I shake my ass, I stomp my feet.

At the end of the song, I collapse on the bed or in a chair and grin. I stay there for awhile, because acting like an idiot is kind of exhausting. God, do I LOVE acting like an idiot.

Try it. You'll never want to be clever again.

NOTE: The video is weird and creepy. It's the only full version of the song I could find, yo! Maybe you should minimize it, ignore all the murdering and just listen to the song.

Adorbs.

(via Brie)



I'd like to wild rumpus with you, sir. Rowr.

It's too early to call this one.

Despite my tempting offer of Spock money, there were no takers on the whole face-licking thing. Really, guys? Really? I know of at least 3 mildly creepy people on the Internet that would let me do that for FREE. In fact, they would probably pay *me*.

Wow, I just really creeped myself out there. Haha, good thing I still have comment moderation turned on! OMG. Gross. Why did I go there? Why?

ANYWAYS... no thanks to you lot, I am feeling a bit sniffly today. This has some potential. The idea is to have it hit its peak levels on late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. It's pretty much the perfect crime. Except that it is not a crime and is far from perfect.

This still feels a bit weird. I'm not saying I would lick a face for money... but you know what? In the interest of full disclosure, I'm just going to say it. I'd totally lick a cute face for free. But only a cute one.

Still weird, right?

Kidnapped!

I was standing at the bus stop on my way home, with my headphones in and the music turned WAY up. So I didn't hear anyone sneaking up behind me. Not until they grabbed my shoulders and shook me while yelling out, "HEY BUDDY!"

I almost had a friggin heart attack.

Luckily, it was my cousin. My cousin who happened to be on her way over to pasta dinner night at our aunt and uncle's house.

So I got free dinner AND a ride home. Amazing. This sort of thing could never happen if I move away. Something to think about...

Help a kid out.

So here's the story:

I am signed up to run a 10K race on Sunday. I have not trained for this. This is why I need your help.

If you are sick, I need you tell me so that we may arrange a time for me to come by and lick your face. You've got germs. I need germs. I have a five dollar bill with the Spock face drawn on it. You totally need that, NERD.

Payment will be made upon successful germ transfer. I'm hoping to be bed ridden by Saturday evening. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Dancing in the Dark

When Bruce Springsteen is feeling creatively frustrated he gets mad at his producer, storms off and writes what ends up being one of his best songs EVER.

When I get creatively frustrated, I eat too much candy and then my tummy hurts. Then I go on the Internet and tell it that my tummy hurts. Then people read that my tummy hurts and they are all, "LAAAAAAME." I would be in agreement with them on that one.

I think Bruce has the right idea. He also has a butt that looks really great in jeans. I'm just sayin'.




There is no embedding allowed for the REAL video, featuring one Courtney Cox. RIP OFF.

Rock.

Ten bucks says you've probably never been to a wedding where they played this song:

Josie Cotton - Johnny, Are You Queer from http://ephemeron.vox.com/

Awesome. Just awesome. Brie rocks!

Party on, Wayne.

Holy shit, am I tired.

I haven't had a full night of sleep since Thursday. I've spent the past 3 days on the go, visiting friends, hanging out, wandering around, drinking tea, playing with a dog, dressing up, dancing, drinking, talking, laughing, joking, smiling, staying up late, waking up early, meeting new people and watching two of the most adorable people on the planet get married to each other.

I'm tired, but it's a good tired. Thanks for the awesome weekend, buddies!

And now I'm hoping for a glorious 10 hour sleep coma. *heart*

OH. NO.

You know what I hate? Publishing things and then noticing typos way after the fact. Especially on Twitter, where if you notice them too late you can't delete or edit them.

That being said, writing this in my current state of DRUNK is probably not the best idea I have ever had.

Have mercy. Will travel.

At the time I was watching episode 5 of 6 Full House episodes and working on what would be the equivalent of my 3rd or 4th margarita, a thought occurred to me:

"Dude. I still have to pack. What if by the time I'm finished this drink, I'm totally loaded? I'll end up packing 7 pairs of underwear. AND NO PANTS."

It's cool, though. I totally remembered pants. I think.

ANYWAYS... back to the Full House marathon. First of all, my crush on John Stamos is now back in full effect. If we start dating, he's just going to have to accept the fact that I am probably going to want to call him Uncle Jesse sometimes. Eventually, he will grow to love it in a somewhat inappropriate way. It will be awesome.

Secondly, that show is funnier than I thought it would be. I'm like, 82% sure that the tequila may have had something to do with that. Or maybe season 1 was just loaded with amusing little moments. YEAH. TEQUILA.

Crap. It's late and I'm still WIDE awake. I know I'm only going on a little tiny trip, but I can't help but be a little excited. I'm still hoping to be able to take one big trip this year... hopefully on my birthday. I dream about hopping on a plane to go spend a week finding myself by getting lost in a big, new city. But in the meantime, I'm going to get lost by finding familiar things in a small city. And it will be lovely.

Get the heck out.

Tomorrow I'm leaving for a weekend away in Victoria. I do believe this counts as a
mini-vacation, which is CRAZY because I almost never take vacations. Not even mini ones! I'm pretty excited about it, because I haven't been back there in years. Even more exciting is that I'm going back there to watch Erin get married! Squee! It's going to be way fun, yo!

There is one tricky bit, though. I really want to take my computer. Is that lame? I just really like the Internet, yo. I don't want to have to try to catch up on 3 days of Twitter. I KNOW. I HAVE A PROBLEM. SHUT UP.

But seriously. I want to take my computer.

I should really just buy a goddamn iPhone. Then I wouldn't have this problem.

I wear the pants.

I was folding laundry when I looked down and saw it. A GIANT, FUZZY, WINGED DISGUSTING BUG.

Naturally, I screamed like a girl and ran down the hallway. "OH MY JESUS LORD FRIGGING CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING????"

I crept back down the hallway to look at it again. Then it moved. "OH MY GOD KILL IT KILL IT KILLLLLLL ITTTTTTT!"

I looked around. There are no boys here. Boys are supposed to kill bugs. But there are no boys here.

"Sack up, man. Sack up."

Yeah, I did it. I shooed that little bastard right out the door.

What? I couldn't handle killing it. I guess this means I get to keep my lady parts after all.

One thing at a time.

Yesterday I decided that multi-tasking is for jerks. I friggin' HATE multi-tasking. So I'm not going to do it anymore.

If you think about it, multi-tasking is actually a really stupid concept. I can't understand why so many people encourage it. If I give all my attention to one thing at a time, that one thing will be done properly and will be done well. If I take my attention and divide it between two things, each thing is probably only going to get done half as well. Every time I add another task into the mix, I increase the likelihood of fucking everything up. Which totally happens to me. A lot.

It just makes sense to take the one thing that is consistently fucking with your shit and remove it from the equation. We'll see how this works out. It might mean that I don't blog or update Twitter as much, but hopefully when I do up date them, what I write will be better. Or something like that.

So SUCK IT, multi-tasking. SUCK IT LONG AND SUCK IT HARD.

I must admit, turning people away is going to be kind of enjoyable. I'll get to stick my hand up in the air and say things like, "Can I get back to you in a moment? I'm in the middle of something." Or perhaps, "Hold up! Wait a minute!"

Or maybe I'll make a sign. A passive-aggressive one! Those ones always work the best.

This is going to be great.

Pretty Young Thing

Yesterday I bought some pants from Lululemon. I bought some pants that were a full 2 sizes smaller than what I normally wear.

Now, my first reaction to this was, "HOLLA!!!!!"

But now I'm kind of annoyed that I'm so happy about the number on a pair of pants. I'm not a different person because there is a tiny number on the tag of my pants. I'm not a better person because of it.

I'm a better person because I got them on sale, bitches!

I didn't even have to lie.

Tonight I attended my college reunion. It was weird. Mostly because I realized that I graduated FIVE YEARS AGO. Holy shit.

When I finally got to the campus, I was hit with a flood of memories. I suddenly became VERY nervous. I was going to have to walk in there and tell my old profs what it is that I am doing with my life. OH SHIT.

But you know what? It was great. Talking to my old teachers wasn't how I imagined it to be. We did talk about what I am doing now, but what we really talked about wasn't about my job. It was more about me as a person. How I've learned about life and what I've learned about myself. How I plan to evolve and continue to develop.

Though it put me into debt and turned me into a crazy person, I don't regret it. Those were the most intense, exhausting, exciting and wonderful years of my life. I walked out of those doors a completely different person from the timid girl who first walked in. Leaving that reunion brought back some of the optimism I had when I first graduated. The world doesn't seem to be full of much promise these days, so I am glad to have felt it again, even if it was only for a moment.

Also, they had beer there. So that was alright.

Don't Panic.

It is pretty hard NOT to panic when people you know keep losing their jobs. I can't help but think that I could be next. That would pretty much suck because I have no backup plan, no emergency fund and no big idea.

I don't know where my towel is, yo.

If only this sort of thing could be fixed by popping over to Bed Bath & Beyond...

Slick.

There is a cute boy who apparently lives in my neighborhood. We both catch the bus at the same time every morning. Today I stood beside him the whole way, which was very exciting. I was doing that whole "I'm not looking at you, BUT I'M TOTALLY LOOKING AT YOU" thing, quite successfully, I thought.

When it came time to get off the bus, I had to lean over to ring the bell. This involved a complex operation of ducking under his arm, ringing the bell and then standing upright again. It looked so cute and adorable... UNTIL I WHACKED MY HEAD ON A POLE.

A year ago, a lesser confident me would have been pretty mortified. But now? Whatevs. Injuring myself in ridiculous ways in public places? That's just how I roll, yo.

Let it go, man. Just let it go.

I have inherited many wonderful traits from my father. Including my inherent desire to run a joke into the friggin' ground. I have to work REALLY hard to fight the urge. I fight it every day. EVERY DAY. It is painful.

On the off chance that I actually manage to say or write something that is well received by my audience, my first instinct is to keep the joke going. Like, forever. Even though I know it won't work the second time, because it NEVER works the second time. But I almost feel like I need to take it further.

Sometimes I cave and I just go with it. This is usually followed by a lengthy period of shame, in which I replay the moment over and over in my brain. Usually in slow motion. If it was actually recorded, I bet you could pinpoint the exact moment where I realize just what I have done. The look on my face probably reads something like, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh no." (Yes, with that many h's.)

The only reason I'm writing this now is because I'm trying to distract myself long enough to make me forget about doing it again. Because I want to. Right now. I won't, because in my heart I know that the beautiful little joke I crafted last night deserves to stand alone in the spotlight. The follow up joke would only serve to tarnish it.

But seriously. It is killing me. KILLING ME.