Oh, Twitter. You're so crazy!

Every once in awhile someone will reply to something I've posted to Twitter. Today I got two, both of which made me laugh... for entirely different reasons. I wrote:

I am not "single and ready to mingle." More like "single and NOT ready to mingle due to crippling fear of rejection and/or intimacy."

One reply was "I think I may get this tattooed on my ass." Which is funny for obvious reasons. But then there is the other one... which is REALLY hilarious:

"So sad. Hang in there."

Oh, man. The best part about it is that I can't tell if they were trying to be funny or expressing genuine concern... which is also funny because that would mean that they couldn't tell if I was joking.

Internet + sarcasm = AWESOME

Dear Science

I suppose you could say that TV on the Radio had me at hello. Because let's face it, if you name your album "Dear Science" you fricking know I'm going to be all over that shit. It just came out today, and I have been listening to it non-stop on their MySpace page.

HOLY SHIT, DO I LOVE THIS ALBUM. I imagined I would, since I have fallen madly in love with every song I have ever heard from this band. But still, it's nice to feel so happy and in love with a brand new piece of music. They have gotten a little funkier... and have increased the presence of horns, which automatically gets you high fives. (I am a sucker for a solid horn line.)

Call me old fashioned, but when I truly love an album I feel as though I need to have an actual hard copy of it. I can't handle only having it digitally. I need to be able to hold it in my hands, and carefully inspect the liner notes during the first listen. I love that feeling. Hence why I am probably going to take a bus allllll the way downtown after work today just so I can buy it. And while I am there, I might as well look for some new pants or something, right? Right.

In the meantime, you can watch this rad video and reach the same conclusion I have: IT IS AWESOME.

Oh, Autumn. You are a saucy little minx, aren't you?

As soon as I stepped out of the house this morning I felt it. It bit my nose, then my cheeks, then my exposed fingers. It was... cold air! OH, THE HORROR!

The entire time I was waiting for the bus, or walking to work this morning was spent shivering away under my light jacket. I suppose it's nearly time to bust out the wool pea coat.

But worse than just being cold is the fact that I feel like I may be getting one. Today I have been blessed with the arrival of post-nasal drip, plugged up ears and a little bit of achey-ness.

The only good part about it, is that it is now officially soup-making season. I could seriously survive off of soup alone. And I probably will, at least until March.

Relax. Don't do it.

That is what I kept repeating to myself all day. I was telling myself not to start screaming my face off in a fit of rage.

I kept it together. I knew I would be able to, since this morning I managed to pick out a fairly cute "Who me? I'm not bloated and homicidal today. EVERYTHING IS COOL, MAN." outfit. I even smiled at someone!

Yayyyyyyyy. Now to go home, have some tea and take a muscle relaxant. All I have to say about that is, "FUCK YEAH."

Imagine me as the newspaper stand guy or the fishmonger...

So I read some blogs today and as a result, I can't stop singing this song in my head:




Congratulations, buddies!

Making with the typey-type.

I recently referred to myself in conversation as a "frustrated writer". I was talking about myself in terms of my career, I suppose, because I do not get paid to write. (Aside from the $2 I have made through ads... THANKS FOR CLICKING, BTW!)

But after I said it, I kept thinking about that phrase and why I said it. I was talking about why I started blogging. Basically, this whole thing truly was born out of frustration. I was feeling creatively stifled. So I fixed it by hopping on here every day and writing about how much I love George Clooney. Or how mad I got at some jerk on the bus. And as stupid and mundane as these topics may be to some people, it has actually helped. A lot.

I have been posting less often here, because as you may have noticed, I'm using Twitter. It's great for me, because sometimes I am just not capable of long-form thinking. And I find it REALLY challenging to have to re-think, re-word and edit myself down to a mere 140 characters. I kind of love it. You might want to give it a go yourself!

I am just now starting to grow more comfortable with myself as a writer. The thought of people reading what I have written is not nearly as terrifying as it once was. So, I guess the point of all of this is to say that I'm not so frustrated anymore. And I finally consider myself to be a writer. Thanks for helping me get there, friends.

26 is the new 25.

(And in my case, 27 is the new 26.)

I'm keeping it rolling with the birthday posts, because... well... because I like them. What better way to show someone you care than to write about them on the Internet? THERE IS NO BETTER WAY.

So, ANYWAYS... today is Amanda's birthday! She is totally a year younger than me! And it doesn't even make me mad, because she is awesome! In keeping with the birthday traditions, I made her a card on the computer. My MS Paint skills are second to none.

I think this is some of my best work yet. I really took it to the next level by drawing in the birthday hats. (I know. It's hard to believe it, but they are not really wearing those in the original photograph.)

So, Happy B-day Amanda! I hope you like fireworks...

In Memoriam

Last night I attended a funeral. A funeral for the youth of my friend, whom we shall call "The Dude". You see, he turned 30 this week, therefore causing his youth to perish.

It was the best funeral I've ever been to. (Even during the time St. Elmo's Fire was playing. WTF, dude?) His youth was eulogized in a hilarious fashion and I think he was sufficiently humiliated. And sufficiently drunk.

So, Dude... here's to your youth. May you remember it fondly... and perhaps actually start to grow up a little. Heck, I'm WAY younger than you are, and I've already started going to bed at a reasonable hour. Even on weekends. I KNOW, RIGHT????

Also, Happy Birthday! As promised, my gift to you is your VERY OWN BLOG POST!!!! I hope you enjoy it. You can even bookmark this bitch and look at it every day. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

All for you

So,I guess I didn't mention the most AWESOME thing to happen to me in like, a million years. I went to the Janet Jackson concert!

OMG, it was RAD. I had never seen anything like it! Costume changes! A catwalk! Set changes! DANCING!

It was so great. I danced my butt off the entire time. And I squealed whenever I noticed that she was using the original choreography to a song. (Which was like, all of them.) Because I know these things. I may or may not have spent a lot of time in my youth trying to learn the choreography from all of her videos. Because I'm awesome.

I'm so happy that I finally got to see her, and I'm even more happy that I got to share the experience with Steph. There's no other person I would have rather gone with. Mostly because she also knows all the choreography and understands what it means to see Rhythm Nation IN PERSON.

Here's a little sample of Nasty:



I hope I look that good when I'm 42. Hot damn!

*ahem ahem*

I am hella busy today, so until I have time to write about some crap I will leave you with this... which totally rules.




Make sure you watch the whole thing... cause the big payoff doesn't come in right away.

Take it easy.

For someone who can be considered to be a bit of a music nerd, it is embarrassing for me to admit how badly organized my collection is at the moment. My Cd's have migrated to places all over my room and are no longer in alphabetical order. My mp3's are no better. I still have a bunch of shitty quality files that I never bothered to re-download or delete, mislabeled files and have incomplete information! It's all just because I'm lazy.

As a result of the mp3 related laziness, some pretty stupid files have made their way onto my iPod. Every time one of them pops up I think to myself, "Gah! DELETE!" and then I promptly forget to do it. I've also not bothered to transfer all my Cd's over to my computer either. It's all just a big ol' mess. Which is why, on mornings when I am on my way to work, it is so completely amazing for the shuffle mode to not pick up any of the files that irritate me so! It was nothing but AWESOME all the way to work. It made me so happy.

Here are some of the highlights:

• Paper Planes - MIA
• Receptacle for the Respectable - Super Furry Animals
• Bonafide Lovin - Chromeo
• That's Entertainment - The Jam
• Take it Easy, My Brother Charles - Jorge Ben

The last one is especially rad. I find it very hard not to dance to that one. (Note the video, featuring my wicked hot boyfriend, Ed O'Brien. YEOW!)

If I needed an alibi, I'd be screwed.

A hypothetical interrogation by the Imaginary Police:

IP: "What did you do last night?"

ME: "Ummmm... you know. Just went out. Did some fun stuff. CRAZY FUN STUFF."

IP: "Really? You didn't just get some take out and watch TV by yourself all night?"

ME: "Well... okay. Yeah. I ate White Spot. It was AWESOME."

IP: "What did you watch?"

ME: "Just The Outsiders... and The Daily Show. And then I went to bed. I swear. Right after that."

IP: "Oh, REALLY. You went to bed RIGHT AFTER THE DAILY SHOW?"

ME: "Yes. Right after. I swear. *cough* Can I get some water?"

IP: "Sure. Right after you tell the truth."

ME: "Ummm. What? Ummm... I *cough* I am telling the truth..."

IP: "Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't stay up until 3am watching "She's The Man" starring Amanda Bynes?"

ME: "What???? That's... that's crazy!" *gulp*

IP: "IS IT? IS IT SO CRAZY?"

ME: "Ummm... I'd like a lawyer..."

IP: "DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT STAY UP UNTIL 3AM WATCHING 'SHE'S THE MAN' STARRING AMANDA BYNES??"

ME: "OKAY! I DID IT! I DID IT! AND IT WAS ACTUALLY VERY ENJOYABLE!"

IP: "HA! You liked it?"

ME: "Amanda Bynes is a great comedic talent, okay? And that Channing Tatum dude is severely hot! Oh my god. Am I going to jail?"

IP: "You will only be imprisoned by your own shame."

Stay gold, Ponyboy.

In my grade 12 yearbook a friend of mine who was a year behind me in school wrote, "Stay gold, Ponyboy." I have always thought it was terribly clever of him. Cause you know, I was leaving high school and who the heck knew if we were ever going to run into each other again? (I DID stay gold, btw.)

ANYWAYS... in case you didn't remember, that quote comes from The Outsiders. Which I am watching right now. I am thinking about 2 things right now:

a) WTF ever happened to C. Thomas Howell? Like, after that friggin weird movie where he dyed his skin to pretend he was black?

b) Ummmm... knowing what Leif Garrett looks like NOW I kind of want to throw up for thinking this, but whoa. Was that dude ever hot back in 1983! Check it out:

























Well, hello there. I like your plaid shirt. Let's date, you drunken fool!

Also, I totally just spotted a very young Sofia Coppola. Totally didn't know she was in this movie. It's kind of awesome. You should watch it. Even if you hate the book it's worth it just to see the hotties. (Yay, Ralph Macchio!)

Correction: 9021-OH YEAH!

Ummmm... was it just me or was it kind of awesome? About 2 mins into the show my sister sent me a text message that read:

"Zuckerman? Haha!"

To which I later replied with:

"Ha! Stupid Nat can't make the new kind of coffee!"

I knew it was going to be awesome as soon as Lucille Bluth came stumbling out of the mansion as the drunk grandma.

Excellent. Just Excellent.

9021 uh-oh!

OMG, you guys! I just watched the episode when Dylan got married and he was SOOOOOO happy... AND THEN HIS WIFE GOT SHOT THE DAY AFTER THEY GOT MARRIED. AND THEN HE CRIED WHILE SITTING IN A DOORWAY HOLDING A BABY CAT.

It was so sad. For reals.

I can just tell this new version is going to TOTALLY SUCK compared to the old one. I'll watch it anyways... but seriously, the first time someone smokes pot and everyone else is shocked I'm so bailing!

Cured!

I am so damn smart sometimes.

I just figured out how to cure my anxiety. What I need is my own personal Obama. He would just follow me around and whenever I start to get nervous he would take my hand and say, "Yes we can."

Yep, that would do it.

The Shit Mix

Remember when I told you about that contest I was in? Well, the humiliation has been completed. For your viewing pleasure, I present to you the loser of the contest, Reggie. In his walk of shame.




I don't even know this guy, but I wish I did. Cause obviously he is hilarious and awesome. So funny.

Uhhhhh...

So I never really did wake up today. I'm still in the same sort of daze I was in this morning on the bus when I was listening to Neil Diamond and suddenly I was all, "Oh CRAP! I'm supposed to get off the bus now." It's lucky I snapped out of it when I did. I could have ended up in... Yaletown. *shudder*

Inspiration.

Many a person has commented on my apparent lack of emotions. (Other than anger and rage, of course.) I have long suspected that there were some in there somewhere... and today I found them. And it is all his fault.




























Barack Obama made me cry. Out of joy, excitement and pride. And I'm not even American. He's like magic. He makes me happy.

*wink wink*

Today I was sitting at my desk making faces at the computer screen (as I normally do) when I tried to wink with my left eye. I can't do it. When I try to do it, it just looks like I am squinting. What the heck? Why can't I wink with both eyes?

Can you? Try it. Go ahead, I'll wait.

*waiting*


Well, can you?

My new task is to teach myself to wink with my left eye. You never know when that sort of thing might come in handy. You know, like if you were trying to wink at a cute guy and he like... couldn't see your right eye for whatever reason, so you had to wink with the left one. And because you had trained yourself to be so very versatile, he totally saw it and BAM! the next thing you know you are like, married or whatever. So you know. That's probably something I'm going to thank myself for in the future. You can never be too prepared, right? Right.

Monday-schmonday.

This morning I got changed no less than 3 times before I left the house. And this is not counting all the various combinations I had tried on BEFORE committing to outfit number one.

First I was all, "Okay this looks fine." Then I ate breakfast and when I went to put shoes on I was all, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This shirt and these pants can never be worn together. NEVER!" So I changed my shirt. And then I was all, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That looks ridiculous!" So then I changed my pants. And then I changed my shirt again. And then I looked at the time and though I still thought I looked stupid, I had to leave to catch the bus. So basically what I am saying is, some mornings I hate all my clothes.

The End.

Lest we forget.

This morning in a bid to avoid listening to the radio today at work, I grabbed a bunch of cd's before I left the house. It was an odd little assortment. I brought:

1) Cat Stevens - Gold
2) 80's New Wave Compilation - Various
3) 80's Movies - Various (Dudes! It had Axel F AND DeBarge! Gah!)
4) Radiohead - Kid A
5) The Dandy Warhols - Welcome to the Monkey House

I didn't make it to the Cat Stevens today... and both the 80's discs are obviously just for the novelty. Kid A is a classic... a staple for me. That album (along with Amnesiac, Massive Attack's Mezzanine and TV on the Radio's first album) has served as my lullaby every night. I put one of those albums on every night before I go to bed and listen to it as I fall asleep. I just love it. It calms me down and makes me feel so happy.

Now, The Dandy Warhols. I had totally forgotten about this album and I hadn't listened to it in over a year. When I popped it in at work this morning, I was reminded as to why I stole it from my college radio station in the first place... BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME.

It is seriously great, you guys! If you have it, give it a listen. You won't be sorry. I'm totally putting it back into regular rotation. Here is a video of one of my fave songs from the album... I bet you can guess why I like it so much!



I practically DO live on science alone. It's awesome.

There are two colours in my hair.

Okay. So... Radiohead. I'm not going to give you the rundown on the entire setlist or anything like that. It's not what I do. What I do, is tell you how it made me feel.

It was everything I could have possibly imagined. Standing in the pouring rain, dancing my butt off and getting far too close to strangers. On any other day, the rain and lack of personal space to me would have been horrifying. But it wasn't, because it was for RADIOHEAD!

I would have to say that my favourite moment was hearing the first few notes of "Everything In Its Right Place". I got chills. Chills!

I loved every song. I loved the rain. I loved Ed in his super sexy suit and scarf combination. He makes me blush, just by looking so attractive.

I love Radiohead.

In Rainbows

There were no rainbows. Just rain. Glorious rain. Giant, big fat soak you to the bone raindrops. And I loved every goddamn minute of it.

Aisle 10

Yesterday I was taking a look through my weird little collection of cd's and rediscovered something. I listened to this song nonstop for an entire summer (2000, maybe?). When I heard it again yesterday, it made me happy.

It's called "Aisle 10 (Hello Allison)" by a band called Scapegoat Wax. They were on Grand Royal Records, which totally folded and is probably why they were never heard from again after this album came out.




The reason I love it so much is because it reminds me of nearly every job I have ever had. There were times when I absolutely HATED my job. You know, when you are mindlessly going about your daily tasks wondering why the hell you even bother to show up. But then out of nowhere some incredibly attractive man would show up and change my mind. Going to work didn't seem so totally awful anymore, because it meant that there was a pretty good chance I would get to see HIM again. *sigh* There has been at least one of those at every job I have ever had.

So when I hear this song, I am reminded of all the beautiful men that unknowingly helped me to remain gainfully employed. Because if it had not been for them, I would have surely quit at least 2 of them before I should have. (Especially you, British Paul. You will always be my favourite.) Again... *SIGH*

Rain down on me...

Yay! It is finally here! Tomorrow I get to see RADIOHEAD!!!!!!

I'm way super excited about this, in case you hadn't noticed. I have seen them twice, both at Thunderbird Stadium. The first time I saw them, the weather was a bit dodgy. The rain held off for most of the show... but then, (and I swear to the Great Bearded One that I am not lying) just as Thom Yorke started singing "Rainnnnnn down... rain down..." from Paranoid Android IT STARTED FREAKING RAINING. I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. I may or may not have gotten a little weepy about it. It was beautiful. The second time around was even more amazing. Highlights included a flock of geese flying overhead, a magnificent sunset and Michael Stipe helping out on Karma Police. Good lord. It was one of the best shows I have ever seen. Hence the anticipation of tomorrow!

However, this is also causing me a bit of worry. My homies over at the Weather Network are telling me that it is going to rain tomorrow. Being one who has studied media literacy, I am not content to trust only one source. How do I know they aren't in cahoots with the umbrella industry? Wouldn't they just love to keep me in perpetual fear of rain? Sure enough, CBC shares this theory of raining tomorrow. Which leads me to my current predicament.

I have no rain boots. I have wanted a cute pair of wellies for years now, but have never actually gotten around to buying them. So now I can't stop thinking about how I should probably run straight out the door after work and buy some. Which leads me to yet ANOTHER issue: the ones I covet are $125.

They are SOOOOOOOOO cute. I want them. But I am pretty sure spending that much on rain boots is irrational. So... is it? If so, where can I get some tall lovelies like this on the cheap? Help me out here, people.

The Phantom Menace

So I have this shitty little radio that sits on my desk. I have it there to rescue me from the lovely sounds of soft rock hits from yesterday AND today... which is actually not lovely at all. In fact is is awful. So that's why I have the radio... which admittedly is sometimes just as bad as the soft rock, but it is usually much better, because sometimes they play that "Everybody Everybody" song by Black Box, which makes me laugh.



So this stupid little radio has recently been taken over by some crazy phantom that likes to randomly increase and decrease the volume. It is creepy, yo! Not only is it creepy, but it has also become highly embarrassing.



You see, it has this little habit of waiting for the worst songs to come on, and THAT is when it turns the volume up! Just this morning, I was working away and some shitty Tracy Chapman song comes on and up goes the volume. What if someone had been standing there? They would be all, "Whoa, she really likes Tracy Chapman." WTF? I have to work with these people! I don't need them thinking these things about me! How friggin' embarrassing!

I am far too cheap to purchase a new radio, so for now I will look up some sort of "get rid of phantoms quick" spell on the Internet. IT BETTER WORK, BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY PLAY THE MOODY BLUES AND IF THE VOLUME GOES UP WHEN THAT HAPPENS I WILL BE ENRAGED.

PS: I had too much caffeine today. CAN YOU TELL? DID THE CAPS LOCK GIVE IT AWAY?

Meet you all the way.

So I feel like I need to apologize for yesterday... because that song I posted was so friggin shitty. I AM SORRY. I just didn't want to suffer alone. It was selfish.

So now I will make up for it, with this AWESOME song which is accompanied by an AWESOME video:



When I watch things like this it kind of makes me want to go back in time and tell all the ugly dudes who were in yacht rock bands to maybe not make personal appearances in their videos. Because really. Does Rosanna Arquette really want the ugly mustache dude singing to her to profess his love? Does she really? The answer is no. Because I don't think that's the one she dated. And also because he is kind of gross. But the sentiment is there, and I guess that's what really matters?

I don't know. I still think it would have been better with no band shots. Why? Because one of those badass dancers is Patrick Swayze. And that chick dancer? Totally Cynthia Rhodes, also of Dirty Dancing fame! I told you this video was awesome!

So there you go. How could you not totally forgive me after I just gave you all of that rad information?

BFF!

Eureka! (Part 2)

CORRECTION.

THIS is why I can't sleep at night:




*shudder* Blasphemy!

It is THE WORST.

I'm so nerdy the stars can see it.

Check out my horoscope from this morning:

Dear Sarah,
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, August 13:

It's a binary day, either good or bad with little to no room in between. See if you can cut your losses if things start to go south -- maybe by going home early or calling for a nice, long time-out.


IT'S A BINARY DAY! A BINARY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 00000010000011! HAHAHAHA!

Also, I enjoy the part about going home early.

I remembered! I remembered!

I was talking to Lydia about this the other day and she didn't remember it. I used to repeat this in my head over and over and over as a kid. I should go back to using this method again, cause I be forgetting things like crazy, yo!




And I would be lying to you if I said I didn't end up singing this song at least once a week:

Eureka!

Lately I have been experiencing some new health-related issues, such as the return of the insomnias, a frequently upset stomach, constant muscle tension in my neck and shoulders, grinding my teeth and these crazy new headaches that start with a very sore neck and work their way up to my head.

I had suspected that these things might all be interconnected, but wasn't really sure what it might be. So I started to do some research. Yesterday I found that these are all common symptoms of one thing: anxiety. Probably more of a social anxiety than anything else, though I do tend to worry a lot about money and my career situation.

I was reading this article about social anxiety when I came across this list of situations that people with some level of social anxiety fear and will often try to avoid:

Public speaking
Participating in meetings or classes(e.g. asking or answering questions)
Performing in public
Entering a room where everyone is already seated
Meeting new people
Talking to co-workers or friends
Inviting others to do things
Going to social events (e.g. parties or dinners)
Dating
Being assertive
Talking on the phone
Working in a group (e.g. working on a project with other co-workers)
Ordering food at a restaurant
Returning something at a store
Having a job interview

Ummmmm... HELLO, MCFLY!!!!! This is me. This is what I do. All the time. This is why I often have trouble making eye contact with people when I am talking. This is why I tell you I will go to a party and back out at the last minute when I think that if I show up, no one will talk to me. This is why I would damn near have a heart attack if I was ever called upon in class. This is why I have trouble talking to new people.

Some of these things I have already been addressing and working on for years. I have to constantly think about projecting my voice and not speaking quietly. I am now at the point where if I am in a meeting at work, I can share my thoughts without feeling like I am about to pass out or burst into tears. But I've still got a lot to work on.

So now that I am more aware of it, I can start to do things to try to help me become calmer and healthier. Yay! Or not. As it turns out, foods that trigger anxiety are caffeine (duh!) and sugar. I can probably deal with cutting down on caffeine, but sugar and simple carbohydrates? Those just happen to be my favourite kinds of carbohydrates! I love candy so much! The good thing is that I am supposed to eat a buttload of complex carbs, which I do so enjoy. Three cheers for grainy breads!

It would probably also help a great deal if I actually remembered to take my vitamins every day. And I should really take up yoga again.

So friends, have patience. I'm working on it.

Foggy.

Today my head feels a bit foggy. I'm all sinusy again, and I choose to blame this on air conditioning and cats. They are both for jerks.

The ears are slightly pluggy, there is a little bit of pressure in the sinus region and I feel so very sleepy. I had another moment where I wheeled my chair back a bit and stared longingly underneath my desk. I am convinced I could nap very well under there, but I am too chicken to actually try it. BOOOOO! If they just agreed to allow napping at work I wouldn't have to worry about getting busted, and my afternoons would probably be more productive. I should put together a report of some sort. Maybe with some graphs? You can't argue with science.

Go ahead. Just try and argue with that.

Suck it, Blogger! Ummm... what?

I didn't realize that when you publish a draft of something you wrote ages ago, it posts it under the date you wrote it instead of the date you published it. WTF? ANYWAYS, now that the results of the awesome contest I was in have been announced you can read about it here below, where it has been this whole time. Since before I got to work. I swear.

This post was totally not even edited at all.

The Final Countdown

Yes, that song by Europe is awful. But is it THE WORST??? (No. It is not.)

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to join a contest by Alan, my super awesome hair cutter guy. The basic premise is that all participants must attempt to create the SHITTIEST MIXTAPE EVER. What does the winner get? Glory. What is at stake for the loser? This:



Gah! Total humiliation! On Robson Street!

No way was I going to allow this to happen to me. Hence why I spent an entire weekend mulling this over. Here, is the list I submitted, complete with video links and my rationale for choosing these horrific little songs.


1. Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
HOLY FRIGGING CRAP DO I HATE THIS SONG. I HATE IT WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS. Here's proof. WHAT A GODDAMN BABY THIS GUY IS! I need to stop talking about this before I have another "episode".

2. Horny 98 - Mousse T
I just really think walking around with a bombox that is blasting out "I'm horny. Horny horny horny..." is really frigging funny.

3. I've Never Been to Me - Charlene
It's just bad. Awesomely bad.

4. Axel F. - Crazy Frog
This song makes me hate Europe. THE ENTIRE CONTINENT. Eddie Murphy should cut a bitch for this one. I am feeling physically ill after listening to this. Admittedly, I may have
over-caffeinated this morning, but this really sent me over the edge. RIGHT OVER IT!

5. We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off - Jermaine Stewart
This is mainly for the lyrical content, and how incredibly AMAZING it would be to see a dude listening to this in public. It is perhaps the single most embarassing song a man could ever be caught listening to. Especially if said individual were singing along. Seriously. I think my favourite line is "Come on baby, show some class. Why you wanna move so fast?" What I think he was trying to say was, "Eeeeeew, girl germs!"

As it turns out, I did not win. But I didn't lose! Here is the winning playlist:

1) Joan Osbourne- One of Us
2) Bette Midler- Wind Beneath My Wings
3) Sarah McLachilan + Delerium- Silence
4) Snow- Informer
5) Hanson- MMMBop

Which will be followed on the boombox by the LOSING playilist:
1. Black Velvet - Alannah Myles
2. How Bizzare - OMG
3. Don't Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
4. I've been thinking about you - London Beat
5. Kyrie - Mr. Mister

I can't WAIT to see this on youtube. Awesome.

You are NOT going to live forever, and you are NOT going to learn how to fly!

This morning I received a very troubling email from my dear friend in Toronto. He had witnessed something truly horrendous and was obviously traumatized:

You gotta help me out with something. Remember stirrup pants? Well, I saw a woman today wearing the stirrup but no pants. She had a dress on so it wasn't completely inappropriate but just high heels leading directly into… stirrups. They looked like toit legwarmers at first glance ended at mid-calf…. Then they just stopped. I don't think they were therapeutic. Have you seen such a thing? Is it a backlash against the whole tights thing? So confused.

You are not the only one, friend. I imagine what he saw to be a shorter version of this:

Ugh! Stirrup legwarmers! This isn't friggin Fame, people. Unless you are in a dance studio making your dreams come true, I don't want to see you in legwarmers. If your legs are cold, perhaps you might like to try something else... like say, tights? Or maybe... I dunno... PANTS????

This is just the worst. It really is. Just don't do it.

Breathe easy.

Oh, hey there. How's it going? What did you do tonight? It was so nice out. Did you go for a walk? Did you go on a date? Did you hold hands with someone at sunset? Awwww. That's nice. Want to know what I did?

















I stuck this up my nose and poured salt water through my nasal cavity.

Yeah. I know how to party.

I get it now.

This morning as I was sitting on the bus I had convinced myself that I probably needed to get an iced coffee from Starbucks. I was totally ready for it. But then when it came time to get off the buss I was annoyed to discover that they had moved the bus stop again! Now it is across the intersection from where it used to be. This meant that if I were to go get a coffee, I would have had to cross the street. TWICE.

You see, crossing the street would have meant that I would have been on the wrong side of the street, and would have had to cross the street again to get to work. That just seemed like way to much of a hassle, so I didn't get coffee. Suddenly that ridiculous two Starbucks stores in the same intersection at Robson and Thurlow seemed to make perfect sense.

OF COURSE! One should never have to cross the street for coffee! That's bullshit.

All growed up.

My little sister is going to move out of our parents house in a few months. Eeeek! She's only 21... and seeing as though I was not able to handle that kind of scary grown-upness until I was 24, I can understand why she is so nervous. She seems far more prepared than I ever was. Today she went out and bought a set of Gordon Ramsey pots and pans, which are made by Royal Doulton. THAT SHIT IS CRAZY! They come in special storage bags so you can keep them shiny and unscratched. They were crazy expensive, and I can't even imagine myself spending that much on kitchenware. Shoes, yes. Crap for my house? NO.

My mom was all proud and telling her about how she will probably never have to buy another set of them ever again, because these ones are so good. Since she is moving in with her boyfriend, it kind of makes sense for her to spend money on these things. But for some reason, I can't imagine spending money on things like that just for me. It always seems like that is the kind of thing you buy when you get married... or someone else gets it for you as a wedding present.

So basically what I am saying here is that my sister has fancy pots and pans, and I cook with the cheapest stuff from Ikea, which aren't even actually mine because I am pretty sure Lydia bought them. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I can cook.

Yesterday when I was waiting for the bus home, I was standing next to this older woman. She was holding a grocery bag and it wasn't very full. She was looking at all of the things she had just bought. When she pulled out a single serving Stouffers box and started reading the box, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of dread and slight panic:

"OH MY GOD. I DON'T WANT TO BE THE LONELY OLD WOMAN WHO EATS STOUFFERS!!!!"

And just as I had predicted, when I told Lydia about it, she laughed and said, "Oh, don't worry. You won't eat Stouffers."

Because I can cook. Sure, I'll be old and alone, but at least I won't be eating Stouffers.

So I've got that going for me, which is nice. (Aaaand cue the theme from Caddyshack. I'm alright.)

No one cares, no one sympathizes. You just stay home and play synthesizers.

When I was mulling over whether or not I was going to go to Pemberton, one of the factors was how many acts I actually WANTED to see. Like, BADLY. The list turned out to be rather smallish, hence the not going. It came down to two obvious ones: Jay-Z and Tom Petty, of course! There was pretty much only one other act that I was interested in. If I had made it to Pemberton, you bet your ass I would have been shaking it to Chromeo! (Were you there? Did you see them? Was it AWESOME????)

So I was pretty excited to see that Dooce had posted a Chromeo vid today. Given my taste for pretty much anything even slightly 80's influenced, it's no surprise that I love this band. You can't hear them without dancing. It's impossible. And now for a dance break. (I'm being lame and posting the same video Dooce did, because I like it. But my other fave is Needy Girl.)



They also have the distinction of being one of the only bands to successfully use a vocoder without PISSING ME OFF. (*ahem* BON JOVI!) Now that's really saying something.

Older. Wiser. But mostly just older.

Birthdays are never a big deal to me. I've always felt a little uncomfortable with the idea of them. It feels a little awkward to me to throw a party for myself and force people to come and shower me with attention. I don't really want the attention. I just wanna hang out, you know? I don't need the fanfare.

This year my birthday was great... I got to spend some time with some lovely girls, exploring a lovely city. And I got to go to jail. Ain't nothing wrong with that. I managed to turn 27, away from my normal life. And I loved it.

But it got me thinking about something. Because I am a person who does not really crave attention, I think I am misunderstood. When I am hanging out in a large group, I'm the one who is quite happy to sit in a corner and watch everyone else interact. It's fascinating to me. (Especially if I am with people who are a) single and b) drunk.) Seeing how other people communicate with each other, both verbally and non-verbally, is the craziest thing ever. The problem is, that while I am busy watching and genuinely enjoying myself, it is often interpreted as anti-social behavior.

You see, when I am with other people, I like to listen. I don't always have something of value to say. I hate the notion of talking for the sake of talking. Some of the stupidest things I have ever said in my life have been the direct result of me talking because I feel as though I am supposed to. To me, the moments that follow me saying something completely dumb are far more awkward than the moments of silence. If I'm not talking to you, it's not because I'm an asshole. It's because I'm trying NOT to be an asshole.

Another frustration I experience as a result of being kind of an introvert is that people tend to assume that if you don't like to talk all the time that you lack confidence. I do have a lot of insecurities, and of course, I am never confident all the time. But most of the time, I feel pretty okay about who and what I am. I'm okay with the fact that I don't want to talk all of the time. I'm okay with the fact that I don't always smile. I'm okay with how I look with no makeup on. It's me. It's who I am. I don't see the point in hiding it.

So there you go. If I'm not saying anything, I'm not necessarily mad at you. If I'm not schmoozing, I'm not necessarily being a jerk. Though there is always the slight possibility that I AM being a jerk. :P

Facebook etiquette?

I still find it weird that we have had to develop entirely new behavioural guidelines not only for the Internet, but for individual websites and applications. It's a lot to take in, and a lot to remember!

Don't even get me started on twitter etiquette. (twitterquette? GAWD!) I'm still trying to figure that out. However, having used Facebook for awhile now, you would think that I would have gotten it by now. But I do not. I still have questions.

For one thing, I have heard talk of purging friend lists. Am I supposed to do this? Of course there are people on there that I have never talked to since adding them. But that doesn't mean I never will... so I guess I just keep adding people? What do you do? Ack!

Then there is the matter of when it is acceptable to add new people as Facebook friends. On several occasions I have met people and after only having met them once, they want to be my Facebook friend. I think it's kind of nice. But is it also kind of weird? I don't normally add friends after meeting them once. Mostly because I've met them once! There was one time where I did that and my friend request was accepted, but then I felt SO WEIRD about it after. Should I ever run into this person again, will they think I am a crazy stalker because I don't even know them, but I'm all "BE MY FACEBOOK FRIEND!"? It's kind of weird, isn't it?

Facebook has created this whole new level of social anxiety for me. When people don't write on my wall I wonder why. When people DO write on my wall I wonder why. Sometimes people have inside jokes that I do not understand and I feel dumb. I often wonder if I might be better off not knowing this much information about the people in my life. But then I think about how lame I would feel if I didn't know all this stuff because I DIDN'T have Facebook.

So basically what I am saying is that it's a catch-22. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. How fun!

God, I hate the internet.

PS: Sorry baby, you know I didn't mean that! Don't you ever leave me! EVER!!!!!! I love youuuuuuuu, internet!

Paul Weller :1 Rainy day: ZERO

Today is a bit gloomy, innit? The bottoms of my pants were good and soaked by the time I got to work. (I really hate that.) Days like this seem to offer up plenty of reasons to be grumpy... but I don't need them. Because this popped up on my iPod and made me very happy (because it is a great song!):



The Jam - Walking in Heaven's Sunshine

I LOVE THE JAM. REALLY A LOT.

Note to self.

Being that I am a heathen, it probably would have helped to have perused the bible before going to see Jesus Christ Superstar. I still have no idea who the rich guy in the shiny suit was.

Wikipedia to the rescue!

Whoa! Pictures!

If you are so inclined, you are welcome to peruse my collection of photographs that I took in San Francisco whilst on vacation. 

Flickr, yo!

Please note that since I do not actually own a digital camera in working order, these were all taken on my cell phone camera. Some of them are pretty cool, if I do say so myself... enjoy! 

Chillin out, maxin, relaxin all cool...

I am enjoying the rest of my days off by sleeping in really late, and doing next to nothing. After 5 days of being on the go alllllllll day long, it is kinda nice!

Pretty much everyone I work with is going up to Pemberton this weekend, but I am not. I probably could have gone, but after having such a busy week away and having to be back at work at 8am Monday morning, I decided that I would rather spend the weekend at home. I'm not lying about it when I say that I'm kinda glad to not be going, I swear! There will be no porta-potties, tents and hours upon hours in the car for this girl!

Though I must admit, I do wish I could see Jigga. I love him! *sigh*

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

Hello, friends! Well, I've arrived back at home all safe and sound. And under the duty free exemption limits for my time away in San Francisco! (Woot.)

In true nerd fashion I have spent the last 2 hours on the Internet, trying to get everything updated so that I can feel whole again. Seriously. I laugh at those chumps on their Blackberries and iPhones who can't bear to be disconnected from their Internet lives for more than an hour... but now I kind of get it. It felt strange and foreign to not be able to pop back to the hotel room and at least update twitter. (Which, by the way, was a huge mistake. Because like 90 million people unfollowed me this weekend! Thanks for the loyalty, a-holes!)

I would like to try to put together some sort of wrap-up post about the trip which I will do sometime during the rest of my glorious week off. (Boo-yah!) But in the meantime, I will share with you a few things I learned about San Francisco:

1) People there are are nice. And they will talk to you. And they will be friendly. Even if they don't know you. And they will come up to you and ASK YOU if you need directions because you obviously look confused! WTF? I am totally rethinking the way I deal with tourists here.

2) Apparently, I am hot there. Lydia claims that I got cat-called when we walked past a bar. Awesome? I can't say because I didn't see if they were cute or not. Odds are NO.

3) Transit there is way more efficient than it is here. There are like 3 trains you can take. And buses. And cable cars. And street cars. And it's cheap. Good times.

4) I will go there again. Lots. Next time I will know better than to try to stay at the hostel. I'll just go straight to a hotel.

5) Apparently when it is your birthday, that is the day when nobody reads your blog. Analytics does not lie! The bloop on the graph was like, way low down. It's okay though. I got a lil' facebook love. Muah!

That's all you kids are getting for now. I'm tired! I've had a big day.

EWWWWWWWWWWW!

I understand that things are difficult when you are standing on a crowded bus. Everyone is a little closer than they would like to be, physically speaking. However, most of us understand the concept of personal space and therefore manage to stand on the bus without actually touching each other.

EXCEPT FOR THE MAN WHO STOOD BEHIND ME THIS MORNING.

This 50 something man stood SO close to me that his fat gut was touching my back. At one point I shuffled forward to get a little space, and he sidled right up behind me again. I think his entire body was touching me. I wanted to scream. And throw up a little. It was horrifying.

I stood there feeling a little violated, and wondered what (if anything) I could get away with saying to this man. Things that came to mind were:

"Seriously. BACK THE EFF OFF."
"See all those people at the back of the bus? See how they aren't touching each other. PLEASE OBSERVE."
"STOP TOUCHING ME YOU GROSS, GROSS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Also worth mentioning is how I nearly full on elbowed him in the stomach. On purpose. Like one would do if they were being attacked from behind. I actually started to raise my arm up... and stopped just short of making contact. I very nearly intently injured this man.

I'm sure he just has no concept of personal space... and it probably wasn't a creepy thing... but it certainly felt that way. But in the event that this should happen again (to me or someone else) what is the appropriate course of action? How do you tell someone to back off in a polite manner without totally embarrassing them?

I could seriously go for another shower right about now. Yuck.

This is what you call talent, people.

I made this for my sister, because she sent me a Facebook gift of two robots along with lyrics to "The Humans Are Dead".





















Who will win? Will bottomless lyrics reign supreme or will phat beats and birds on the back triumph? YOU DECIDE.

I hope you like it, sister!


*Also, the fact that I likely have too much time on my hands has been noted.*

Now that's just inconsiderate...

For whatever reason, (ask Lydia) we only pay for "lite speed" internet. Or as I like to call it, "bullshit ghetto slow" speed. Back in the day this wasn't a huge issue for me... but now since I like to do things such as watch videos it is really annoying. Luckily, someone around these parts cares enough to have an unsecured network. Which is way the eff faster. So I steal it, while Lydia uses our slow speed because she just uses it for casual browsing.

Normally, this works out just fine. But sometimes it does not. Sometimes I can't friggin connect to the unsecured network. This is when I LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND. I bet you can guess that it is happening RIGHT NOW. All I wanted to do was watch an episode of Weeds and go to bed. But nooooooooooooooooooo. I can't do that. Because they aren't intuitive enough to realize that I can't connect and therefore they need to reboot or something. JERKS.

So here I am, with nothing good on tv and nothing good on the internet because my network is a pansy and can't handle videos. My network is an asshole.

Perhaps I should just pay for decent internet service? Or not. Meh.

He gets it from me.

I always look forward to seeing my nephew, Gavin because he's so awesome. He's only 5, but I can tell that he is going to be the kind of person I'd like to hang out with when he's a grown up. He's super creative (like me!), never shuts up (like me!), is always coming up strange ideas (like me!) and always says the most hilarious things. (LIKE ME! Right, guys?)

Take last night at dinner, for example. He was helping my sister and I set the table and he kept trying to take more things out of the fridge to stick on the table. He grabbed a gar of pickles and said to me, "Whoa. Auntie Sarah. We gotta have pickles on the table. People will want them. Trust me." So I let him put the pickles on the table. Half an hour later when he was eating his dinner, he turns around and says he has to tell us all something. "Okay, just so you know... when everyone is all done eating their dinner then we can put our plates away and THEN... it will be PICKLE TIME!" Please note that "pickle time" was said with jazz hands for emphasis.

Then there was the matter of hopscotch. We used sidewalk chalk to draw it on the patio. He was looking for the chalk but couldn't remember what it was called.

G: "Where is the hopscotch?"
Me: "It's right there, DUH. On the ground. Where we drew it."
G: "Noooooo. Not that. I need that stuff."
Me: "I don't know what you are talking about."
G: "Ummm... where's the hop... WHERE IS THE SCOTCH?"
Grandpa (my dad): "Gah! I'm fresh out! All I have is whiskey."

THEN... he was actually playing hopscotch when he threw a suspicious looking rock. I mentioned to my mom about how it didn't LOOK like a rock... was that... is it... OMG, IT IS! Yep. He was playing hopscotch using a dried up dog turd. And then he screamed. And we all laughed our faces off.

Oh, how I enjoy children that do not belong to me.

I did not vote for you.

This is how I started off my morning yesterday. Needless to say, it was kind of an awesome day.

So I'm walking along in a non-specific location when the mayor zips up beside me. I turn to him and say, "Hey! Good morning."

The Mayor: "Do you know where I can find (blank) and (blank)?"

Me: "Sure! You just go around that corner over there and then go straight. You'll see it when you get around the corner."

The Mayor: "Great, thanks!"

Me: "No problem."

He then zips off in his lightning fast wheelchair. As soon as he is out if earshot I mutter, "And you can tell your garbage buddies I said thanks for not picking up my goddamn garbage despite the fact that I followed the protocol, ya turd."

Then I carried on my merry way.

Heh. I totally called the mayor a turd.

This is not unlike the time I ran past him at the Sun Run and in my out-of-breath whisper said to myself, "I did not vote for you, but thanks for the encouragement."

I think I need a meme.

So this past week has been seriously frustrating for me, because I seem to have developed a serious case of writers block. It's bad, people. Normally I find all sorts of things to write about just by going about my normal life... but this week? I got nuthin'. It has even spilled over into twitter updates!

Nothing has really made me feel compelled to write. It makes me sad, because I do so love the process of writing.

I just sit there, fingers hovering over the keys waiting for inspiration that never seems to come along. All while watching that horrid little blinking cursor, just taunting me. Flashing over and over again. It might as well be chanting "You. Are. Horrible. You. Suck. Large."

All I can do about it is to wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Fucking cursor.

So nice.

It's so nice looking outside, that I am considering not going home straight away. Instead, I might just find a nice shady spot under a tree and read that goddamn Oprah book my parents are forcing me to read because they are convinced it will make me a happier and more well balanced individual.

Or something like that.

Rapunzel.

It's been awhile since my last haircut. A loooooooooong while. I think it was just before Christmas! That's crazy. Especially since my hair grows so darn quickly. I had been planning to get my hair cut sometime in the next 2 weeks, so I could have cute new hair for when I go to San Francisco.

HOWEVER... in the past week I have worn my hair down a few times and everyone keeps telling me how great it looks. This is the kind of thing a girl likes to hear every once in awhile. So now I have a dilemma. To cut, or not to cut? I just don't know what to do! I do enjoy getting my hair cut... but I also enjoy compliments.

What do you think, friends? Help a kid out, will ya?

This is how I deal with my rage.

In the past week, I have watched two shows that pay homage to one of the best scenes in the history of film: Kevin Bacon's Dance of Rage from Footloose.



Oh, you think it's lame and ineffective, but it is the very best method of dealing with your anger. Trust me on this one. If it didn't work, would it have made an appearance in Flight of the Conchords?




So full of rage! But not after the dancing is over.

One thing to keep in mind when practicing this method, is that you are not limited to dancing out your rage in an abandoned factory or warehouse. There is no reason you can't take that shit outside to a wooded area and work it out.



So go ahead kids. Dance it out. Just try not to get hurt. Maybe try to stay away from slopes, and you should be fine.

Wanna go to prom?

Today I decided that I really wish I could go to a prom again. Except this time I would look really cute, and maybe I'd actually have a date? Or something?

Really, what triggered this was hearing this song on the radio. After that I could not stop thinking about how awesome it would be to walk into the prom and hear that song playing.




OMG. Do you think Jake Ryan is still single? Cause he could pick me up in his hot car ON MY BIRTHDAY and then we would eat cake while sitting on a table. And then he can take me to the prom. And THAT, friends, is the plot to the super ultimate Molly Ringwald film.



Seriously. Look at that tall drink of water.

Sorry... what?

Here I am. On what is now day 9 of the not sleeping enough party that I have been invited to! Yayyyyyy!

I'm so seriously out of it today. Everything takes me 14 million times longer to do because I'm so slow.

I have no idea how much sleep I am actually getting... all I know is that I end up waking up a LOT during the course of the night and when I do sleep, I do so lightly. It is kind of bullshit.

Tonight, I'm bringing melatonin to the party. It better friggin work. I can't take much more of this. I'm like a zombie. But I eat chicken and tofu instead of your brains. Yum.

Throw da water on em'

I have watched this routine like 5 times now, and it makes me want to run out the damn door right now and take a hip hop class. I want to dance this routine! It's so friggin' great.




Tabitha and Napoleon are fast becoming my new fave choreographers on this show. They are wicked!

Peace out, yo. I gots to go practice.

Can you feel it?

It is late and I have to get up early... but I am so excited about something that I just have to share it with you now. It can't wait until tomorrow!

Tonight I was lucky enough to have tickets to see Naturally 7 at the Centre as part of the jazz festival. I volunteer every year so I can take advantage of the free tickets. I usually end up seeing about 3 - 5 shows during the festival, which I certainly could not afford to do on my own. I also love it because it allows me to explore and discover new music that I may have never come across otherwise. As a music geek, this is the ultimate in AWESOME.

So back to the show. Naturally 7 is a group of 7 dudes from NYC, who have no backing band and are all singers. Technically speaking, they sing a cappella, but you would never know it just from hearing them. They each have this crazy ability to use their voices to sound like instruments. One dude "sings" the harmonica, one does bass, one does guitar, one does trombone (complete with arm movements) and one dude beatboxes as an ENTIRE DRUM KIT. It is INSANE. And to top it all off, they can all sing brilliantly. Beautifully! Or as one might say, these boys can SAAAAAAANGGGG.

This is a video from youtube that made them kinda famous... they are singing Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" on the Metro in Paris. It's nothing short of brilliant. Seriously, guys. Youtube the heck out of them... you won't be sorry.



They are such incredible performers... hearing them and watching them made me so happy. I was laughing, clapping, screaming and singing the whole night. When I left I felt so fulfilled and uplifted. I am so amazed and impressed that a group that I barely knew anything about was able to draw such an emotional response from me... that sort of thing is usually reserved for music that I have had an entire lifetime to build an emotional relationship with. It's such a great feeling to discover something like this!

Am I freaking you out? I'm just so gosh darn happy right now! And you can thank Naturally 7 for that. (Seriously. CHECK THEM OUT!)

One track mind.

Here I am, on day 2 of my media lounge duties... and I am REALLY BORED. There just aren't as many artists and cool dudes hanging around on Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons as there are on the weekends. Oh well. I know this for next year.


However, today I brought my computer with me. This has allowed me to conduct some very important research on a variety of topics. The most important, of course, being the subject of ketchup chips.





















I suddenly got an intense craving for these bad boys and could not stop thinking about them. So that led me to a Google search, which taught me that these are actually something of a regional delicacy. Apparently, they are not widely available in the US... and are considered to be a Canadian thing.

That's just crazy talk. How have those poor little creatures lived without the wonder that is ketchup chips??? They taste nothing like ketchup, but they turn your lips a divine shade of red that not even MAC could dare to duplicate.

They also turn your fingers bright red, which isn't really all that cool if you are over the age of 10... but if you were ever asked about why your fingers were so red, you could answer with something like, "Oh, that? I killed a guy. I scrubbed up really well, but it won't come off. DISS ON ME."


So yeah. Ketchup chips are awesome. And I still don't have any. BOOOOOO.

That is all.

Filtered, for great taste!

I'm lucky, I suppose, because I was given one of those brain filters which allows me to think things in my head and then decide whether or not to actually say them. People who don't have those seem to get themselves in a lot of trouble. But I often wonder what would happen if I didn't have one...

What they said: *random talk about things that I don't really give a crap about*

What I said: "Mmhmmm... okay... riiiiiight...sure... yeah, okay great."

What I THOUGHT: "Yeah, okay... do you want to talk about this before or after I punch you in the face? Either one is good for me. They would both be incredibly satisfying."

OH WELL. I guess we will never know...

Old.

I'm nearly 27... which I suppose isn't all that old, but I assure you that it certainly feels that way sometimes. Case in point, tonight.

Last night I did this super fun charity run thing, which was really awesome. I ended up not getting home until about midnight, which in my case is actually kind of late. I actually stayed up for a while and got into bed at about 2am. THAT IS CRAZY.

I slept in pretty late this morning and then went out all day. I got home at about 6. That is not late. That is early. So why in the heck did I feel like I was ready to go to bed??? At 6??? PM???? Because I am old.

I also effed up my shoulder somehow and now it really hurts. It is Saturday night and I am sitting at home, practically falling asleep in this here armchair with a heating pad on me. And this is where I shall stay. I am supposed to be at my friend's birthday party, but I am too tired and ouchy to convince myself to get all gussied up and drive downtown. Because I am old.

Am I a horrible person for bailing on my friends because I am tired? I don't know. However, one might argue that I would not be awesome company anyways because I would likely just be staring at a wall and saying "Whhhhaaaaaaaaaattttttt?" upon realizing that people are trying to talk to me. Also, I don't think you are supposed to drive when you can't really keep your eyes open. Right?

Yeah, I know. I suck.

Pride. (In the name of love for your teeth.)

I was visiting my parents a couple of weeks ago when my Dad came in and said something like, "Hey, kid. That's quite the blog you've got." and I was all, "Thanks, Dad... WAIT. DID YOU SAY BLOG? WHO TAUGHT YOU ABOUT THE INTERNET????"

Up until that point it had never occurred to me that my parents were even really aware of my blog, much less reading it. Which got me to thinking... would they be embarrassed by anything I have written here? You know, because of all the swearing and whatnot that goes on around here.

The answer is... no. I don't think they would be. Because let's be honest, what parent wouldn't be proud of a kid who writes about things like how she maybe possibly forgot to brush her teeth this morning and is trying to cover it up by drinking coffee and eating mints and then puts it on the Internet so everyone else will know? Which may or may not have happened to me this morning? Hypothetically speaking?

I guess the point is that had I remembered to brush my teeth like a normal, responsible 3 year old, I would still have that $5 bill in my wallet. (Hypothetically speaking.) Live and learn... in KINDERGARTEN.

PS: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Look! You are on the internet! Good for you! Internet high five! (I will teach you that one later.)

What a way to start your day!

So I can't believe I nearly forgot to mention this crazy thing that happened to me this morning. One of my worst fears was realized. It was mildly terrifying.

I started taking vitamin supplements in an effort to try and ease my anxiety. I take these vitamin B Complex pills, and they are fricken' GIANT. It has always been hard for me to be able to swallow pills, so in order to take these behemoths I have to psyche myself up a bit first.

This morning, I am standing there with a mouthful of water and the giant pill in my mouth, mentally preparing to swallow the pill. Finally I tilted my head back and gulped the water down. But the pill got stuck sideways in my throat.

I panicked. I was gasping for air, trying to cough it out. I couldn't breathe. I coughed some more and finally it came back out.

IT WAS TERRIFYING. I was home all by myself, so while I was standing there, choking, I kept thinking, "Okay. If I can't cough this up, WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? I AM GOING TO PASS OUT ON THE FLOOR AND NO ONE WILL KNOW THAT I AM HERE."

As of tomorrow morning, I am kicking it kiddie stylez and will be cutting up my vitamins into kid-sized bits so that I don't totally kill myself by trying to be healthy. FRICK.

I hear ya, cartoon version of Elvis Costello.

Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Homer was at rock camp? Remember when they broke Elvis Costello's glasses and his response to such cruelty was, "Oh no! My image!!!"

That is how I feel right now about my stinking passport photo. I hate that my picture does not have my glasses. I love my glasses. I am never NOT wearing my glasses. (Except for those few times in Vegas, but that was a bust. I hated not wearing them.)

I know that my passport pic is going to look awful no matter what I do because a) I think it is mandatory that everyone looks like a damn fool in their passport pic, and b) I am really not photogenic. At all. But I would really rather look like a fool with a pair of glasses on my face.

A lady that I work with got hers done at a place that had a variety of frames with no lenses in them so that people who wear glasses can still wear them in the photo. I think that is brilliant. So I am seriously considering hopping over to the dollar store to buy some cheap ass readers so I can pop the lenses out and get my photo re-taken. Is this crazy talk? Am I being a baby?

I am just remembering how I used to get hassled all the time for having a drivers licence photo that looked very different from how I looked in person... and it was really annoying. This is something I could develop anxiety over. Because I'm that attached to my glasses.

Also, it should be noted that my mom's friend Celeste totally got pissed off about a bad passport photo and totally paid to get new ones because she refused to show it to anyone. This makes sense to me. You are stuck with the damn thing for 5 years. Gah!

Effing vacations.

The message that was conveyed to customs officers by my old passport photo:

"Oh, hey guys! Look at me, being all youthful and travelling places. Aren't my glasses cute? Isn't this so fun? This is just the greatest. You just have yourselves a great day, alright? Awesome."

The message conveyed to customs officers by my new passport photo:

"First off, just let me tell you that I look WAY fucking cuter in my glasses. They are Chanel. CHANEL, I SAY! ANYWAYS... yeah I'm going on vacation. Whatever. I am really pale and splotchy. Also, I may appear to be a bit suicidal and generally mentally unbalanced. WATCH YO SELF."

Customs is going to be SO FUN for the next five years! Seriously, though. It is kind of bullshit that no one would let me take a passport photo with my glasses on. It is totally allowed!!!!!! Fuckers.

Ain't nobody eating vegetables up in here!

Holy crap. I just got back from an early Father's Day dinner with my family at Memphis Blues. There were 5 of us. We ate this:

















Whoa nellie! That is $66 worth of meaty goodness. And it is worth every penny. YUMMMMM.

Aaaaaaaand now I need a nap.

In other words, it's too hot out there.

The following was on a sign that was posted on the doors upstairs in my office:

"Heat deflection experiment in progress. Please keep doors closed."

Awesome. Because they could have just said "Keep the doors closed, yo."

Baguette!

Hoooooooooly crap. I am watching Flight of the Conchords on DVD at the moment and LOVING IT. I just watched this, and I laughed so hard I cried.




No joke. I seriously cried.

It kind of makes me want to say "Screw it!" to my not spending money plan and go see them in Seattle. We shall see...

Challenge!

In an effort to save a bit of cash-monies before I leave on my vacation(!!!) to San Francisco in July, I am taking on a challenge.

From now until I leave, I am going to try (TRY! SO HARD!) to not purchase food from anywhere other than the grocery store. This means coffee too. Eeek! This is tricky business. I don't eat out a lot or anything, but lately I have been spending more money than I normally do, and this seems like the logical area to save it. Is that crazy? Am I totally insane for fully committing to cook my own food for the next month and a bit? I think I can totally do it.

The other thing I think I can totally do, is not go shopping. At all. If it ain't at the grocery store, I don't need it. I probably won't even cheat by going to Superstore to buy pants.

This seems scary. What the heck am I going to do with all of my time if I am not buying things I don't need?

Confessions.

There are a couple of things I've been wanting to tell you for some time now, but I just didn't know how to say it... so I'm just going to say it:

When I am at work and I need to alphabetize things I sometimes have to run though the alphabet song in my head to figure shit out.

Also, I cannot do simple arithmetic in my head. I start to panic, and my mind goes blank. Numbers make me terribly nervous. Hence why I will ask you a thousand times to make sure I am tipping appropriately.

One more thing. Every once in awhile I catch myself watching reruns of 7th Heaven and other assorted religious programming. Mostly because despite the seriousness of the messages they are trying to convey, I find it super hilarious. Especially that anorexic looking lady who sits behind a news desk. I don't get it, but man do I love it.

I know this is a lot to take in, but I hope we can still be friends. Please?

PS: While I'm at it, I might as well tell you that I sort of think Phil Collins is awesome. Not that Disney balladry bullcrap, but the hardcore shit he used to do. You know... like Sussudio. Heck yes.

I think they have a pill for that.

Sometimes I really get on my own nerves. This is because I obsess over really REALLY stupid things that my brain will not let go of. Case in point: how I just spent a ridiculous amount of time on the internet trying to remember a song. All I could remember was what the video LOOKED like... and couldn't remember the actual song. I suddenly became convinced that it was Shakespears Sister (no, I didn't spell it wrong... they took out the e!). But it was not. It became all consuming and my brain was unable and unwilling to think about anything else until I figured it out. It was driving me CRAZY. CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But then I remembered:





Yes. I really spent 45 minutes looking for Swing Out Sister. Not because I love the song, but because I NEEDED to remember.

I got problems, y'all.

YUMMMMM!

I don't really understand why eating sweets is sometimes seen as a bad thing... because they taste SO GOOD. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that they are like, bad for you or something?? Meh.

Hence why I was so excited when I got to Brie's house yesterday and saw an entire table filled with sugary goodness. AND I was openly encouraged to EAT MY FACE OFF. And I did.

So what if I was awake all night! If was friggin worth it. I LOVE CUPCAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think some if it might still be in my system. I'm trying to calm down. Yay!