One way or another, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna getcha-getcha-getcha!

I am a girl on a mission. And I need your help on this one, ladies.

I was out shopping with the sister on Saturday and we stopped in at Roots, which is where I saw this:

It is the coolest fanny pack EVER MADE. Just imagine... I could be walking down the street in Vegas, carrying all my crap with me BUT NOT CARRYING A STUPID PURSE! It's amazing. I need it. I want it.

The problem is, Roots knows just how friggin cool this thing really is, so they priced it at $88.00.

I really don't want to spend $88.00 on a fanny pack. Mostly because if people found out that I spent $88.00 on a fanny pack, they would totally judge me... and we don't want that now, do we?

No. We don't. So, my mission is to find a similar version that is not leather and is therefore cheaper. I have no idea where I'm going to find such an awesome bag. Which is why I need your help. If you can think of anywhere that I might find a fanny pack that does NOT look like the one my dad wore circa 1992, please share this information with me. I will be forever grateful.

Please, people. Help me give my poor shoulders a much deserved break from carrying all my crap.

The sun'll come out tomorrow.

After the endless days of rain, the sun is finally back! This is very exciting news. But honestly, I don't think the rain is all that bad. When you live here for a while, you just kind of come to terms with it. It makes you all the more appreciative when the sunny days actually do come around.

The rain this weekend actually made me think of an amazingly awesome song that I had completely forgotten about. I never would have remembered it if it hadn't have been for the rain. Enjoy it, and put it away for the next rainy day. (Which I heard won't be this week!)





I love Supertramp like Brangelina loves foreign kids. They are THAT good.

Always read the fine print.

I went to the movies on Saturday to see Reign Over Me... but it was totally sold out! So then we decided to watch Zodiac instead, because it only started about 15 mins after. I was totally down with seeing Zodiac, cause I thought it looked pretty okay.

The movie started at 10:05. So I'm sitting there, watching the movie and really enjoying it... but then I started to think, "Wow, I feel like I've been sitting here for a really long time." The movie didn't seem to be wrapping up any time soon. Finally, at 12:50am it ended.

I seriously had NO IDEA that it was 3 hours long. Hence why you should always read the fine print.

A conversation with my favourite person...

This took place this afternoon.

"I've been looking at this bloody thing all damn day and I think I've finally figured it out. I think this makes sense... doesn't it? Yeah, dude. It totally does. Let's effing DO this shit!"

*pause*

"Why am I talking to myself? Because there is no one else here, that's why."

And I didn't even have coffee today. Weird.

DENIED!

This morning I heard something mentioned on the radio about Chicago coming HERE! Immediately I started thinking about how friggin AWESOME it would be to go and see Chicago. I was already imagining myself sitting in the seats, singing along. When I saw Rob this morning, we chatted about it:

Me: "I was looking for you! Guess what? CHICAGO IS COMING HERE!"

Rob: "I didn't know you were a fan of musicals."

Me: "What? Musicals?"

Rob: "Yeah... Chicago... the musical..."

Me: "Oh SHIT! I thought they meant the band!"

Rob: "Well, I haven't heard anything about Peter Cetera re-joining the band..."

Me: "Well, frig. That sucks. I was so excited! Stupid Chicago the musical."

Then Rob told me the story (for the 17th time) about how his girlfriend broke up with him and 2 days later, "If You Leave Me Now" hit it big. It was a rough time for him. I think he cried every time they played it.

Man. What a let down! I was dreaming of seeing this:

But instead, I get this:

Oh well. I guess I will just have to go have all my fun in VEGAS instead. Take THAT, Cetera!

5 things that you should know about me.

I feel as though this is a pro topic to go with whenever you can't think of anything else to write about. I'm pretty sure I'm right.

1. I am completely neurotic. I hate walking over bridges, am terrified of birds, cats make me nervous and I wander around all day secretly worrying that everyone thinks I'm stupid. (I have yet to prove them wrong on that last one, if it is indeed the case.)

2. Between the ages of 7 - 18, I flat out refused to wear skirts or dresses. The cycle was finally broken when my friends asked me if I was going to wear a suit to grad and I yelled out, "NO! I AM NOT A BOY!" My response was to go with an elaborate hairdo, a low cut dress and a feather boa. I probably just should have stuck with a suit.

3. Even now, whenever I wear a skirt or dress to work, people ask me if it is laundry day.

4. When I was 5 I spent most of my time watching music videos on Muchmusic instead of cartoons. Hence my weird love of Steve Winwood, Erasure and reruns of the Monkees.

5. There is currently an entire garbage bag full of shoes in my house that I am giving away. I haven't worn any of them in years, but it feels like I am giving away part of my soul. I think I love shoes too much.

And that's just the beginning...

weeeee-ooooh. WEEEEE-OOOOOH!

I just want to go on record as saying that I am not really all that appreciative of that new Gwen Stefani song. It seeps into my head and I don't like it! Plus, Akon is super annoying to the extreme for reals. But that was totally not what I wanted to write about at all.

I wanted to write an open letter. So here it goes:

An Open Letter to the A-hole Who Honked the Car Horn at 4:30am

Dear A-hole who honked the car horn at 4:30am,

Ummm... JERK. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt the first time. For all I know, you just flew in from Newfoundland and you forgot to change your watch back to BC time which wasn't helped by the fact that the clock in your rental car was TOTALLY BROKEN. But then you honked again. And again. And again. And one more time for good luck.

I have a strong suspicion that you did NOT just fly in from Newfoundland. Rather, it seems that you were raised in Inconsideratejerkfaceville, USA. Had my body not been in a coma like state, I would have been able to crawl over, open the window, stick my head out and scream, "I'M SLEEPING, YOU FUCKER!!!!!" like I really wanted to. I guess that last honk really DID bring you good luck.

However, please take note that the honking did NOT work... and you still had to get your stupid lazy ass out of the car anyways. I hope you scuffed your shoes doing so, asshole.

And no. I did NOT get back to sleep, because I couldn't stop thinking about how I wanted to kick you. IN THE FACE.

Sincerely,

Sarah

I've missed you, old love of mine...

My dear old friend came back to me today. Friend, I've missed you so! I never really realized how much I loved you until you were gone. But now that we are back together once again, I hope we will never be apart.

Full cable, I love you.

It is because of you that I am once again able to watch the TV edits of my favourite films for the 1000th time. Today it was Goodfellas. Who knows what tomorrow holds for us! (Besides TV Guide...) Maybe tomorrow it will be my most favourite of all TV edits...



I can't wait.

J'taime, full cable. J'taime.

Looking out for number one!

There is this great quote from Lauren on the Hills this season when her and the ladies are talking about dating.

"The only time I miss having a boyfriend is when I have to put something together, when I have to pick something like a TV out, or when I have a lot of groceries. Missing the boyfriend."

I think this is the most hilarious and profound thing EVER. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a very single girl... who spends most of her time hanging out with her very married and encoupled friends. It never really bothers me... until of course someone looks over at your side of the table whilst holding hands or cuddling and says, "We need to find you a boyfriend."

In that very moment, I go from thinking about which pair of shoes is truly my favourite to thinking about everything in my life that could possibly be functioning as man-repellant. I then proceed to think about this for hours upon hours... never really seeming to find an answer. After about hour 5, I get really mad at myself for putting so much thought into it.

Eventually, I end up convincing myself that I will find myself at 42, still single and never having a meaningful relationship. It's kind of a terrifing thought. But then I think, why would that really be all that bad??? I could probably get a lot accomplished if I never get married and have kids. Like writing a hilarious screenplay adapted from the hilarious novel that I wrote at the tender age of 31. Or you know... buying a condo or whatever.

But for the moment, I'm inclined to agree with Lauren. Those really are the only times I ever feel like I'm missing out. And don't worry. I've been lifting weights to help me get this grocery situation under control.

This is what happens when you get TOO good at your job...

You finish all your work at 1:30pm and then you have NOTHING TO DO until 4:30pm when you are actually allowed to leave. So how do you fill your time? Here's how:

1) You devise a system which allows you to take files over to different parts of the building in 10 minute intervals... but that only kills 20 mins.

2) You make up a fake reason to go visit Dave.

3) You hang out with Dave and watch him work for a while... but that only kills 15 mins.

4) You star in a series of short films written by you and directed by Dave.

5) You come back upstairs.

6) You sit at your desk and think about what you've done.

7) You plan escape routes out of the building in case of fire, flood, or earthquake.

8) You start researching for your plan to zombie-proof your office.

9) You blog about all the crap you have done to kill the last 2 hours.

But that only takes 10 mins.

Only an hour to go... what to do, what to do...

If I lived in Kits and it was an island in Survivor I would so be voted off for this.

When I woke up this morning I was super excited for a change. No, it was not because the sun was shining (cause it wasn't) and it was not because I was going to do something really cool at work (cause I'm not). It was because this morning was to be the first time I got to use my BRAND NEW DEODORANT!

Normally this is not an exciting occasion for me. I always get some fruity smelling one filled with aluminumy-goodness (no hippie deodorant for this girl). Sometimes it's peach, sometimes pear. It's really no big deal.

Until yesterday. I purchased some Secret Platinum that smells like Vanilla Chai. VANILLA CHAI! It smells seriously wonderful. I am having to hold myself back from smelling my armpits because I'm at work and that would be weird. I also really want other people to smell them, but that would be weirder.

It's still early... perhaps someone will be standing beside me and notice that I smell like a delicious tea drink, then proceed to compliment me on it. Then I can be the classy lady I was raised to be and politely reply, "Why thank you! It's my armpits. New deodorant."

Right now my mom is thinking, "If I only had a nickel for every time Sarah asked someone to smell her armpits... I could retire and buy a small raft."

No problem, Mommy. I'm glad to help.

The waiting is the hardest part.

I am so tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't because I am waiting for my laundry to finish drying. It takes FOREVER. It is also made worse by the fact that in order to fetch said laundry I must venture out into the cold dark night and up a shady staircase.

When we move, we are so getting insuite laundry. Or at least some that does not require going outside in sub-zero weather. Because really, who needs that??

On a side note, I am watching Medium and I can't stop thinking about how friggin attractive the Detective guy is. Seriously so hot.























Sooooo hot. Want to touch the heiny. (Hey, don't look at me. Adam Sandler said it!)


Equally attractive is the husband type.

Dang.

I guess my point is, that even if this show totally sucked (which it doesn't...) I would watch is anyways. Just for the hotness factor. As should you.

Spy aides for amateur stalkers.

Otherwise known as... Facebook!

I signed up for Facebook yesterday and it kind of blew my mind a little. I got an account, set everything up and about an hour later I was in contact with people that I haven't seen in YEARS. It's kind of creepy... yet kind of awesome.

I would never go to any great lengths to track someone from high school down. That would be weird. But if you find them on facebook, it's suddenly not so wierd. They want to talk to you about old times. They want you to find them.

If nothing else, it's a handy tool for determining exactly how elaborate your back story will have to be at your 10 year high school reunion. I mean, I was planning on going with your standard "own a condo, work in media, own a YARIS, I know local celebrities and I saw Pierce Brosnan outside the art gallery... twice." But if all of my classmates are extremely successful, I might have to make my lies slightly bigger and more impressive. Like, say... "own a castle, work in movies, bought a hybrid Hummer, know many international celebrities and made out with Pierce Brosnan outside the art gallery... twice."

Just like the boy scouts always say, Be Prepared. They say that shit for a reason.

War. HUH! What is it good for?

KILLING ANTS, THAT'S WHAT!

We have ants in our house and I am fed up. This morning I openly declared war on these little buggers. On my lunch break I wandered over to Canadian Tire to fetch some ant killing spray. I stood in the aisle for ages, staring at all the RAID. Every single can I picked up was all, "Hey, I'm totally poisonous, so keep pets out of the room for 1 hour after you use this shit."

I was suddenly involved in this super-intense internal struggle. Do I kill the ants for reals even if I could possibly poison Lydia's cats? Hmmm... I really do hate cats... and they will probably be okay... and I do REALLY hate ants... but what if it DOES poison the cats? Hmmm... I really am not a huge fan of the cats anyways... but the poisoning of said cats is probably the kind of thing that someone would hold against you for a really long time, even if it IS accidental... OH FINE, I WON'T GET THE POISON!

Rather annoyed, I decided that surely Capers would have something I could use... or at least a good suggestion. So I dragged my ass all the way up there in the crazy winds. Again, I stood in the cleaning aisle, searching for something... anything that would kill the ants! No luck. So then I asked a guy that works there about it. Here is what was said:

ME: "Do you guys have anything that might deter ants? Well, maybe not just deter, but actually KILL them? I want to kill some ants."

CAPERS GUY: "Ummm... no."

ME: "Oh, that sucks. I was hoping I might find something that wasn't poisonous, but I guess not."

CAPERS GUY: "So you have an ant problem?"

ME: "Ummm... yeah. I can't figure out how to get rid of them."

CAPERS GUY: "Oh, you know what you should do? Clean. Ants will live forever in a dirty house."

ME: *getting angry* "Yeah, THANKS."

CAPERS GUY: "Why do you need to kill them? Can't you just live with them? Why can't you just live with them?"

ME: "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO. Thanks for your help."

*grabbing a bottle of all purpose cleaner off the shelf and muttering to myself*
"Fucking hippies."

One way or another, I am going to kill those sons of bitches. Out of spite. In an environmentally friendly manner.

Put that in your hippie pipe and smoke it, CAPERS!

Music nerds unite!

I'm not even going to lie to you about this... I totally stole this from Brie's blog.

1. Of all the bands & artists in your collection, which one do you own the most albums?
Oddly enough, I have oodles of Outkast, Jamiroquai and Radiohead.

2. What was the last song you listened to?
“Your Woman" by White Town

3. What's in your CD player right now?
“Mezzanine" by Massive Attack, "Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes" by TV on the Radio and Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits.

4. What are your favorite instruments?
Trombone, violin, synthesizer and kazoo. (I am really good at two of those...)

5. Who's your favorite local artist?
Young and Sexy and Sparrow... among others.

6. What was the last show you attended?
Octoberman, Blood Meridian, and The Mohawk Lodge at the Railway Club.

7. What was the greatest show you've ever been to?
That's a tie between Radiohead at Thunderbird (the 2nd time... with the REM combo) and Depeche Mode for the Exciter tour at the Coliseum.

8. What's the worst band you've ever seen in concert?
Oh god. American HiFi... IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR TO GOD! Phantom Planet was supposed to be opening, but they didn't show. I was trying to get me some Jason Schwartzman action.

9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?
Oasis. I hear Wonderwall and I get all nostalgic... and then I see Noel and Liam on tv and I'm all, "You are both total douchebags."

10. What is the most musically involved you have ever been?
Grade 10 - 12 I was in 4 bands and got in about 3 solid hours of sweet trombone action a day on average. I was kind of a big deal on the local trombone scene. (NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING.)

11. What show are you looking forward to?
The Police on May 30th! Woot.

12. What is your favorite band shirt?
Well... I love my Depeche Mode "Violator" shirt is pretty amazing... though I am not entirely sure where it is. BUT... I am madly in love with my Clash t-shirt because they really are the only band that matters.

13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
That is kind of an insane question. I have a million different answers. Here are but a few possibilities:
Tunde Adebimpe from TV on the Radio... mostly just so we could have makeouts.
OR Bob Dylan because he inadvertently changed my life.
OR Steve Winwood. Just because he's Steve Winwood and I've had this weird love of him since I was 4. I can't explain it.


14. What musician would you like to be in love with you for a day?
Tunde again. SWEET MOTHER HE IS HOT. Hot sex on a platter, that one. (Eh? Sweet musical reference!)

15. What was your last musical "phase" before you wizened up?
Erm... THE LATE NINETIES??? I own Everclear and Dave Matthews cds.

16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?
I will say Sabbath, because anyone with a name like Geezer Butler deserves mad props. Especially now that he actually is one.

17. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek?
You haven't even scratched the surface, biatch!

18. What was the greatest decade for music?
Early punk, new wave, late 60's/early 70's folk and rock.

19. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and Pretty in Pink.

20. Where would you be without music?
This is going to sound dramatic, but honestly, WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF BEING ANYTHING?? That's how big of a nerd I am.

Well that's hardly fair...

Yesterday, upon caving into a 3pm treat craving I wandered over to Starbucks with Robyn for a coffee. I only took enough money for my non-fat vanilla latte... and THANK GOD. While we were waiting in the lineup, I looked into the food case and saw this:

STARBUCKS MAKES CUPCAKES NOW??? WHAT IN THE HECK???


That's just mean. It's already hard enough for me to justify my lattes... and then NOT buy a lowfat vegan brownie while I'm at it. (But at least with that one, I feel slightly better due to the lowfat and vegan business.) I felt so guilty about getting those that I moved on to the cranberry chocolate soy protein bars, because I was all, "What? I NEED PROTEIN."

But cupcakes? There's no way I'll be able to justify that one, is there? How about, "I eat my feelings." or "I suffer from a complete lack of self control."? Does that work? It's just 100% bad for me.

But they look so pretty. I will probably end up trying one. FRIG!

Damn you, Starbucks! DAMN YOU

Heck yes! I would.

Holy crap, do I ever wish I had come up with this.




... and this.





Amazing.


Dear Vern Fonk,

Holy mother of all that is sacred and true, you need to give me a job in your marketing department. It is like I was meant to write your commercials. Need a spec? I'M ON IT LIKE GRAVY ON POUTINE. You won't regret this, Mr. Fonk. You surely won't.

Sincerely,

Sarah

When nerds find friendship, magical things happen.

Conversation yesterday at lunch:

ME: I hate making reports. They are so dumb.

CRAIG: Yeah. The program we use for our reports is really badly set up. You can't create templates for custom reports!

ME: No templates??? That's so ghetto. I hate the program I have to use for reports. Did you know that you can't even use a mouse to navigate? Every time I use it, I'm all , "GOD! What is this, friggin DOS???"

CRAIG: (laughing) DOS... Oh, DOS... but I wish I didn't have to use a mouse at all. Keyboards are way faster.

ME: I don't mind using a mouse. It's alright. Friggin' DOS...

Ironically, some of our co-workers are under the impression that we are the cool kids... little do they know, that if they actually sat at our table at lunch they would be subjected to our endless conversations about science.

Seriously, one day we talked about performing chemical titrations. It's that bad.

Best. Meeting. Ever.

Today my regular Monday morning meeting went way longer than usual. Possibly because we were missing two people, and without said individuals the rest of us are unable to focus on the task at hand without yelling at each other to shut up and make jokes every 3 seconds.

So basically what I'm saying is that it was the greatest meeting we've had in AGES! Here is but a small taste of the festivities:

********

*WHACK*
ME: Owwwwwwwwwwwww!

OTHER GUY: What the hell?

ME: I totally hit my head.

PLATYPUS: HAHAHAHAHA!

ROB: Be careful. (laughs at me again)

ME: *makes a whiny noise*

PLATYPUS: Okay, back to the list. Who is doing *insert name of task here*?

ME: Erm, I believe your mom was handling that one...

PLATYPUS: What? (laughs for a bit) What?

ME: (laughing my face off) I don't even know. I seriously don't even know.

********

This sort of thing went on for ages and many excellent jokes were made at the expense of others who were not in the room.

Ahhh, good times.

PS: I just overheard a hilarious conversation in the hallway. One dude was making fun of the other dude for being old. They laughed it up for awhile... the guy who was doing the mocking said, "I'm just kidding. Have a good day, buddy!" That was met with a, "Thanks, you too... ya jerk..."

The small things in life really are the most amusing.

I'M SO TOTALLY GOING HOME NOW. Peace out... ya jerks.

An open letter to the microwave in the lunch room where I work.

Dear microwave in the lunch room at work,

Why are you such a piece of crap? You've only been here for about a month, and already you are letting the team down with your laziness. I mean, seriously. Since when has it ever been okay to nap on the job? Don't get me wrong, I wish it were allowed... I'd do it myself! BUT IT IS NOT. So why you think that it is okay for you to just shut 'er down after 6 mins of heating up lunches is beyond me.

So listen up, microwave. I'm going to give you a chance, because you are new and all. But you should be aware of the fact that pretty much everyone here hates you and your lame excuse for a work ethic. So buck up! You can easily be replaced. (That one is INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH!)

I have to eat my lunch at 11:55 now because of you. I hate going downstairs at 11:55. I feel like I'm being cheated. You are a jerk.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Friday I'm in love.

It is Friday and I love it! So, I thought I would share some other things with you that I love.

This awesome cover of Faith by Boy Least Likely To.

I discovered it last year and I used to listen to it over and over again because it's so darn CUTE! I think my record was about 15 times in a row. Excellent.

And then, for no reason at all I was going to show you a random video of Christopher Walken, because I'm pretty sure he is the funniest man alive... but then I found this instead:





A Christopher Walken impression is almost funnier than ACTUAL Christopher Walken. Seriously though... how awesome is he? Years later, and I'm still telling people that "I'm just a regular girl. I put my pants on one leg at a time. But once my pants are on, I make gold records."

Frig. I love Fridays. And Christopher Walken.

When it's true love, you just know it.

I just wanted to take a moment before starting work to let you know that I'm totally in love with Donald Sutherland. He's so brilliant. He's the perfect combination of nerd and cool. When he was in university he graduated with a double major... engineering and drama! He's pretty much the perfect man for me... except for the fact that he is nearly old enough to be my grandfather.

It's mostly his voice though. He has the most amazing speaking voice ever. If his voice was in a kung-fu fight with James Earl Jones' voice, Donald's would win for sure. Because it's so hot. PLUS... he makes lovely children... like Kiefer and Rossif whom I am also terribly in love with. So, basically... what I am saying is that I have a thing for Sutherlands.

You should also know that if you could manage to channel Donald's voice, you could pretty much get away with saying anything to me because it would sound like magic. *swoon*

Your mom goes to college.

Today was a stupid day. A day that made me feel stupid. So now I'm going home. I'm going home to do this:




There's nothing left for me to do but... DANCE! You know this boogie is for real.

Heck yeah.

Oh, grandma! You with your chocolate cake and your swearing...

My grandma sent this to me yesterday and I have been laughing about it ever since. Probably because if she drove, she would be likely to behave in a similar manner to the granny in this video.




Too damn funny. There is nothing better than swearing grandmas.

When I grow up, I want to be middle class!

Why middle class? So that I'm not so rich that people think I'm a snobby assface, but just wealthy enough to be able to afford things like TICKETS TO THE SASQUATCH FESTIVAL!!!!

It's too bad I'm still ghetto poor, and therefore will miss out yet again on a stellar lineup. Maybe I could still go anyways... OR MAYBE I COULD EAT DINNER EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. It's a tough call, really.

What a day, what a day...

This morning I woke up feeling crappy. Like, super crappy. But I never miss a day at work unless I'm completely DYING so I got up and got going. I convinced myself that this was going to be a good day NO MATTER WHAT. So I put on a song that gets me dancing every time...





There's nothing like a little 7am disco booty shake to get you going in the morning. I felt mighty real indeed.

When I got to the bus stop it was just before 8am. It was raining. I waited. And waited. Then waited some more. 4 full busses drove past my stop before I finally got on one. It was 9am by the time I got to work. IT IS TOTALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE AN HOUR TO GET THERE. Grrrrr.

When I got to work and sat down at my desk, I suddenly got a harsh tummy ache. The curl up in a ball on the floor kind of tummy ache. I was not pleased. I went to a meeting and got a crapload of work dumped on me for this week. Again, I was not pleased. I got back to my desk and started doing the super crappy annoying stuff I had to get done before 10:30... then Craig called me and I realized that it was 10am and the Police tickets were on sale. So I panicked. I was freaking out because I was pretty sure that I had lost us our tickets... but then I found some. Then I bought them.

SO NOW I AM GOING TO SEE THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The seats are a little on the crappy side, but I don't friggin' care because the music is going to be awesome. I don't really need to see Sting and his silly little vest and no shirt getup anyways... and Stuart Copeland has always been the good looking one, but he has grey hair now so if it looks like they are the size of peas, then it's no big deal. I like peas.

It will never be the same again...

So last night while I was watching tv, I saw 2 commercials that really bothered me.

The first one was for Target. It was about makeup. The song featured in it was "A Little Bit More" by Jamie Lidell. JAMIE LIDELL!!! When did he go all mainstream on me? I kind of freaked out a little. I don't know why.

The second one was even more shocking and disturbing. Cesar Dog Food... which featured little dogs running around to... "I Think I Need A New Heart" by the Magnetic Fields! DOG FOOD!

What is going on here? My world doesn't make sense anymore.

I mean... DOG FOOD? If they were selling iPods I wouldn't even care. But DOG FOOD? That's just wacky.

Talk to me Harry Winston, tell me all about it.

I'm not really what you would call a "girly girl". I like wearing dresses and skirts on occasion, but I'm most happy wearing jeans and vans. That's just how I roll. That being said, there are certain things that turn me into a squealing, shrieking, ridiculously girly girl. Things like this:

















Ever since I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's, I (like every other girl who has ever seen it) have dreamt of one day getting something in one of those blue boxes. I don't even care what it is. Sterling silver telephone dialer? SURE. Silver plated speck of dirt? I'LL TAKE IT. There's just something about that box that makes me turn into an annoying child.

Today is Shirley's birthday. Her husband brought her gift to her at work. It was in a little blue box. A little blue box from Tiffany's. As soon as I saw the box I started freaking out, and was all, "OH MY GOD SHIRLEY! IT'S FROM TIFFANY'S!!! WHY AM I YELLING? IT'S NOT MY PRESENT! I'M SO EXCITED!!!" It was a gorgeous little necklace with just the right amount of sparkle. She's so friggin' lucky!


I'd settle for a ring pop if it came in a Tiffany box. One day... one sweet day...


PS:

Dear new version of Blogger,

Stop effing with my page layout when I add photos. It's really pissing me off.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Greetings, from the Health and Safety Committee! We hope you die.

Yesterday at work I received an odd little email forward about earthquake safety. Basically, it said that everything we have ever been taught to do in an earthquake is completely wrong and will most definitely get us killed. Instead of ducking and hiding under a table or a doorway, you are just supposed to duck beside a large piece of furniture. WTF? That doesn't sound like a good idea to me at all!

This is where things start to get a little silly. The person who sent this particular email sent it to EVERYONE in the whole building with a note that referred to this person being on the safety committee, therefore they would know what is good for us. So most of us read it and thought it was a little strange and didn't believe it at all. It seems funny to me that anyone would, honestly. So ANYWAYS... eventually some sassypants thought that it was probably a good idea to do some research on this theory and found this Red Cross rebuttal of the crazy claims. He also hit REPLY ALL... so everyone read it and it made the person who sent it look slightly ridiculous. SO FUNNY.

BUT THEN IT GOT EVEN FUNNIER. Someone else with even sassier pants hit REPLY ALL again... and asked but one question: "What qualifications do you need to be on the safety committee?" HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were about 2 more reply all's with sassy comments before it all finally got shut down by the office manager with a stern "Don't send this crap to everyone on the email list." and a "Don't hit reply all with your sassy comments."

These are the small joys of working in an office. I seriously just sit around and WAIT for stuff like this to happen. Gold. Pure gold. I can't wait to see what happens next.

The Bedouin bus stop.

I love the Cambie bus because it is WAYYYYYYYYYY less disgusting than my other transportation options going to and from work. (#8 Fraser, I'm looking at YOU...) But this whole construction business is throwing my commute into a tailspin! Why? Because they keep moving the damn bus stops.

It has been going on for months. It started up at King Ed, where they kept moving the bus stop down about 10 feet at a time, before finally settling on putting it one block away at 24th. Or so I thought. One morning, I got off my connecting bus only to discover that there was no more bus stop there... I had to walk all the way down to 18th. It was total bullcrap. After a week of trekking all the way down the street, I noticed that they had actually moved it to the other side of King Ed, behind some large trees on the boulevard. Jerks.

As soon as I had finally made peace with the situation, they started effing with my shit AGAIN. This time, it was at Broadway. They moved it to the middle of the road, back again, back to the middle of the road, and the yesterday it was just... gone. Vanished. Who knows what the hell they did with it. According to Rob, if one is taking the #15 from downtown and wishes to get off anywhere from the bridge to Broadway, it ain't gonna happen. Once you cross the bridge, your ass ain't going nowhere until 10th, where they stop the bus in the middle of the road and you jump off at an unmarked stop. WHAT THE FRIG???

So now I have to walk up the road and find my mystery bus stop. No matter how annoying it may be, it's not nearly as annoying as riding the #8 with the hobo crazies who like to stomp on your feet when you are wearing sandals and totally not even apologize leaving you to hold in the pain and not say anything because that stupid whore is DRUNK and you know she will have no problem with knifing you. Stupid flipping cow. I was so close to hitting her in the goddamn face.

So ANYWAYS... I'm still taking the Cambie. GOOD TIMES!

These landlords must be on to something...

Looking for a place to rent is bloody annoying. Everything is too goddamn expensive. Then, when you find something fairly decent sounding that does not cost $1 billion a month in rent, two little letters pop up in the ad that RUIN EVERYTHING.

N/P.

I freaking hate N/P! N/P is ruining my life! Lydia has two cats... which classify as P's... therefore SCREWING US OVER WITH THE N/P POLICY! I am not the biggest fan of said P's, but I don't think it's fair that they be subjected to racial profiling (THE CAT RACE...) when they are just trying to find a place to live in a neighborhood that is closer to the cute boys... erm... the grocery stores and convenient bus routes. Yes... that's it...

So, if you happen to become aware of a cute place that is cheap, large and the landlords are all, "Dude, we are totally all about the P's." then please, let me know.

Until then, I will try to come to terms with my feelings of resentment towards the P's in question.

It is Wednesday! Regular old Wednesday!

You may remember that last year on this particular date, I chose to not celebrate lurve with the masses of consumers and instead celebrated my own festival... the festival of swearing! I really got into it last year and made no effort whatsoever to bring joy and love into people's hearts. Instead, I swore at them. Oh, don't worry. I wasn't mean about it. It was just your pleasant-type swearing... things like "Happy Valentines Day to you too, fuckwad." and "Happy fucking Valentines Day!"

Alas, this year since I was soooooooooo busy up in this place of employment I didn't get enough interaction with people to really take it to the swearing limit. So instead I brought homemade cookies and stuck them in the lunchroom. I did so kind of anonymously... that way when people take the cookies they will be all, "Wow, these are from someone who really gives a crap..." but since they don't know it is me they won't think I give a crap! Which is good, because I don't. It's pretty much the perfect plan. It's not as awesome as the swearing festival... but it's something. This year, I ended up using the phrase "Shoot, this is a frigging load of bullcrap!" over and over again. Now that I think about it, that's actually way funnier! Heh.

I have big plans tonight... I'm going GROCERY SHOPPING... likely followed by COOKING MY OWN DAMN DINNER... and then a little bit of DOING LAUNDRY. And then maybe yoga. FUN TIMES. But at least it's cheap. HA!

If only I had laser eyes... then I wouldn't have to wait in line to heat my lunch.

I've become so used to having a microwave in the lunchroom at work that it almost never occurs to me to take something for lunch that doesn't need to be heated up. I usually end up eating leftovers from the night before... and I'm totally okay with that. But now I think I have to re-think my whole POA for lunches... why?

Because Craig keeps breaking the dang microwave.

Yesterday Dave and I were waiting patiently for our turns heating up our food... I was pretty stoked about my lunch because it was potatoes and stuffing! Craig took his food out... Dave put his food in and closed the door... and then it died. We got no love from the microwave. So we had to buy lunch, and both of us pouted all the way through it.

Today I was lucky. I got downstairs BEFORE Craig did... so my food was a-ok. But then he came down... cooked his food... and then it died. Again.

Obviously his lunches are just too intense for our ghetto microwave to handle. But I bet they are delicious.

I think we need to develop a system. I'll bring sandwiches on Craig's hot lunch days and
vice-versa. That way, we are both happy. As for everyone else... that's their own damn problem.

I can see clearly now... well, clear-ish.

This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror and something seemed odd. My right eye was all wonky and I seriously could not see the pupil of my right eye in my reflection. It kind of freaked me out a little. But I left for work anyways. By the time I had gotten to the bus stop, I was seeing an aura. Basically like tunnel vision with squiggly lines around the bit that you actually can see. It was at this point that I started to panic. I started to think that I was having a stroke... so when the left side of my face started to get tingly and numb I kind of freaked out.

But then I got off the bus and my eyes were getting better and I started to feel some serious tension in my neck. So I calmed down a bit. Even though this has happened to me a bunch of times before, I still freak out every time it happens. It's not a stroke at all... it's a migraine without the headache. I need to learn how to relax.

Better than coffee!

When I got to work this morning, I checked my email. This is what I found in there...

Friends, meet Ella. She is the most gorgeous little baby girl EVER. She grunts a lot when I am on the phone with her mommy and when she smiles it is the funniest thing in the world. Since she is only about 2 months old and is already hilarious, I just thought I should warn my fellow bloggers that you have about 10 years to write away before she finishes grade 5 and blows us all out of the water.

Plus, she already loves Dirty Dancing so we don't have to worry about whether or not she will fit in. (SHE TOTALLY ALREADY DOES.)

If this doesn't spike an increase in readership, I don't know what will.

AWWWWWWWWW, BABIES!

Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire.

Holy crap. I am so friggin excited that I can barely stand it. BARELY!!!! I am going on my first vacation since the summer of 2002!! It's going to be a short one, but goddamnit, it'll be a good one.

I'M GOING TO VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!

















IT WILL LOOK JUST LIKE THIS!!!!

















MAYBE I WILL MEET THE FLYING ELVISES!!!!!

OR MAYBE I WILL JUST GET DRUNK!!!! I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!

But seriously. It is going to be super awesome to the extreme for real. I can't stop thinking about all the crap I get to buy BEFORE I leave. Like luggage. I don't have any. That will be cool. And possibly contact lenses. WHO KNOWS!

The only crappy part about it is that when I come home, I won't be able to tell you about it. Apparently there is some rule about that... anyone heard anything about that? I'll have to google it.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: Dear travel mates,

You probably should have realized that when you asked me to come with you, that meant that you will be forced to listen to me sing "Viva Las Vegas" about a thousand times before we leave. (300 of those times will probably be on the plane ride there.) I just thought you should know.

Sincerely,
Sarah

And I raaaaaaan... I ran in the same plaaaaaace...

... because I was on a treadmill. I'm telling you, A Flock of Seagulls has got nothing on me. I can totally run better than them. Had I not been on a treadmill, I totally would have ended up "so far away". Two miles away, actually. It was actually pretty fun, jogging away and rocking out to my sweet music. UNTIL THE 30 SECONDS LATER WHEN THE FREAKING HEADPHONES FALL OUT OF YOUR EARS.

You see, I have an mp3 player. It looks like this:

I didn't buy it. It came for free with my computer. Minor details. HOWEVER, please note the crappy-ass headphones that come with it. They are earbuds. EARBUDS THAT DO NOT STAY IN MY EARS.

Every day when I am on the bus, I have to shove them back into my ears about 17 million times. Yesterday when I was running, I had to shove them back into my ears about 17 million times. This is becoming a very annoying situation for me. But I don't want to buy new headphones that are NOT earbuds... because they will be big. I think that having headphones that a bigger than my actual music player is totally dumb. Plus they will need to fit in the designated music pocket in my work bag, and if the headphones are larger they will not fit.

So, come on then. What's a girl to do? I need answers. Give them to me.

The problem with parents watching cable tv.

Yesterday at work, I saw the most amusing thing. THREE TIMES. Here is the story.

One of the dudes I work with came walking around the corner where my office is. He is definitely a Dad type. Who knows how old he actually is, but lets just say he is way the heck older than I am. Just keep imagining what this would be like if it was your Dad. ANYWAYS, so he comes walking around the corner, and he was singing something very softly. At first all I could make out was "California... dadadadaaaaa" then when he got closer to my door, I distinctly heard "In the citaaaaayyyyyyyyyy, city of Compton..."

HE WAS SINGING 2-PAC. I almost died a little. It was so great.

And then it happened two more times in the afternoon. How a Dad ends up singing California Love by 2-Pac, I don't know. But I'm sure glad he did. Dads are crazy!

The Great Debate...

There's a lot going on in the world right now, and I could write several essays on how I feel about the important issues at hand. You know, things like global warming, impending earthquakes, the bloody awful traffic in this city, etc. But what am I thinking about right now?

Whether or not I should stay up until 11pm tonight to watch the InStyle Celebrity Weddings special on TV. On the one hand, I am feeling tired and not 100% well, so the extra sleep would be a good idea. On the other hand... I am nosy and I want to judge whether or not that Doritos girl has bad taste. (I bet she DOESN'T, but whatever.)

This is the kind of thing I worry about all day. It's quite a pickle, isn't it? What would Stephen Harper do? (WWSHD?)

5 bucks says he'd watch it live WHILE PVRing it so he can watch it again 3 days in a row. But who am I to judge? I just might do the same.

If only Canadian Idol was based on team spirit...

There are very few situations that could possibly occur in life that would make me agree to get out of bed at 5:30am on a Sunday morning. Except Canadian Idol auditions.

Oh, Amanda and Dani laughed their faces off when I got into the car with a blanket and pillow, but whose ass was not sore after sitting on the floor for 17 hours? (Or was it only 4? 5? I seriously have no concept of how long we were there for.) It was one of the most amusing experiences ever. You walk into a deserted mall, where 25 security guards point and show you where to go. Then you get in line. And then you wait. You wait for a long time. But it doesn't really seem like that long, because while you are waiting there are 13 tone deaf teenagers singing along to their ipods just for your enjoyment.

If you happen to be a member of Team Dani, you pass much of the time mocking people. Like the crazy lady who was wearing the giant BLINGED OUT microphone necklace on the fat chain. I was wishing I was closer to her in the lineup so I could hear what she was saying. In my mind, she was reminiscing about the good ol' days in Compton and how exhausted she was because she just flew into town after a night of cavorting with the G-Unit crew. It was super fun times because they drank Cristal and had money fights! Good times.

Unfortunately for Team Dani, our day was cut short at 10am because the judges wouldn't know talent if it punched them right in the babymaker. Sadly, Amanda and I didn't get the chance to yell at the cameras and cause a scene about it. *sigh* S'cool though, because word on the street is that we are going back next year! WOOT. I would gladly get up that early for you again, my dear.

Hey South Florida, kiss my grits!

Suddenly I am totally jealous of anyone and everyone that is at the Super Bowl. I have never been so pissed off about missing a sporting event. But I could seriously care less about the damn football game.

It's all about the Prince.

I watched the halftime show and got TOTALLY JEALOUS because I just can't shake the feeling that had I been at that game, my life would have been forever changed. How many people can say that they saw Prince singing Purple Rain... IN THE GODDAMN RAIN.

*sigh* Maybe it could still happen to me? Sure it can.

Can't Lose! (I really, really can't.)

Everyone else is doing it, so why not? This will be amusing to me just because I have really nerdy music on my mp3 Player. (Yeah. I kick it old school. No ipods for me!)

1. Put your iPod, or music player of your choice, on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question

What does this year have in store for me? My Sweet Lord - George Harrison (Looks like I'm all booked up on Sundays now...)

What does your love life look like? When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys (saucy!)

What do I say when life gets hard? Maneater - Nelly Furtado

What do I think of when I get up in the morning? Your Woman - White Town

What song will I dance to at my wedding? Allison - Elvis Costello

What do you want as a career? I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys (I love choreography!)

Your favorite saying? Holly Holy - Neil Diamond (More like "Holy crud!" but whatevs.)

Favorite place? Galang - MIA

What do you think of your parents? What is Life - George Harrison (Because I love them to bits.)

Where would you go on a first date? Hasn't Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo (Okay, that's funny!)

Drug of choice? Cherry Cherry - Neil Diamond

Describe yourself? Lovely Day - Bill Withers

What is the thing I like doing most? Touch The Sky - Kanye West (I'm a go getter.)

The song that best describes the president? Jumpin' Jack Flash - Rolling Stones (because he loves gas, gas, gas?)

What is my state of mind like at the moment? Alternative to Love - Brendan Benson (HA!)

How will I die? Carry On My Wayward Son - Kansas (I ain't going nowhere, bitches!)

The song that will be played at your funeral? Song Sung Blue - Neil Diamond

The song you'll put as the subject? Can't Lose - We Are Scientists

GOOD TIMES.

OH, JANUARY! YOU KIDDER, YOU!!!!

So today being the last official day of January (aka MY PERSONAL HELL) I figured I'd try and exit this month on a positive note.

So I signed up for the Sun Run. Because I'm a FRIGGING IDIOT. Heh. But seriously, folks. I think it's going to be a good thing. But this means I need to start some training. So I figured I would try to end January (aka MY PERSONAL HELL) by starting training today so that I would have a reason to feel great about myself, despite all the crap that I had to deal with this past month.

So just before 7, I went out for a little jog. I soon found out all the reasons why this was a really crappy idea. First off, IT WAS COLD. That part didn't matter so much when I started running, because I warmed up right away. However, it was not so good for my lungs. You see kids, I somehow forgot about my ASTHMA. Apparently running around in the freezing cold doesn't do wonders for the asthma. I was only about halfway through my intended workout when I started wheezing. So the running turned into a brisk walk. Wah. Also, I learned that running in the dark is not a good idea either. It makes it difficult to dodge wayward tree branches in the middle of the sidewalk. And lastly my dears, it is not a good idea to run when there is ice and frost on the ground. THAT IS HOW PEOPLE GET HURT.

So I think it's safe to say that there will be no more running outside... at least until the weather improves. I'm going to have to get my ghetto butt a gym membership (eeeek!) even though I don't know if I can really afford it. It's cool though. It's for the greater good.

I just hope that the wheezing is gone by the morning. BECAUSE FEBRUARY DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT BULLCRAP. FEBRUARY IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.

It has to be. It just has to be.

Rock out, rockers.

This morning I listened to my trusty old mp3 player on the way to work. It was actually a pretty killer mix today. You can't help but feel positive about things to come when you step out the door and the first song you hear is "Lovely Day" by Bill Withers. I felt truly magical at that moment.

Then, at the exact moment that the Cambie bus hottie stepped onto the bus, Blue Rodeo's "Lost Together" came on. I think that is a sign. *sigh* Bus hottie is totally hot. (Hence the name, bus hottie, I suppose...)

But here is the best moment of the day so far: I was walking from the bus to work, listening to Snoop Dogg and feeling pretty fierce. I looked down at my hand and realized that my thumb was bleeding. At that very moment I thought to myself, "God DAMN, I am so HARDCORE right now!"

Then I got to work and put a bright pinky orange bandaid on and my street cred instantly evaporated. It's all good though. I'll get that shit back. Word.

You're no good, baby. You're no good.

I've never really been overly confident about myself or my abilities. I've kind of always thought of myself as kind of average. That being said, there are some things I know I'm good at, but there are also some things that I'm *pretty sure* I'm decent at. One of those things is writing. I've always been kind of insecure about my writing. When I read things that I've written, I'm never too sure whether or not it's actually good. I suspect that it might not be awful, but I'm always so worried about what other people are going to say.

I love writing and I always have. Only since I started this blog last year, have I ever been so willing to let people read my stuff. Even still, I have moments of panic after hitting the "publish" button, wondering if people are going to think that I am boring, stupid and a talentless hack.

Last week I applied for a writing job. I had to submit writing samples and was TERRIFIED that they were no good. I sent them off to a few people to get some feedback, because I was so worried. Having gotten some positive feedback, I finally felt okay about it, and I submitted the samples. As you probably know, I didn't get the job. I was told that it went to someone with more experience than I had, and I was okay with that.

But today, I found out that the person they did hire is actually still in school. That pretty much means that the experience thing is a lie. I feel like a total idiot. This means that either this person is REALLY REALLY good, or that I REALLY REALLY suck. It has thrown me for a loop. I feel like maybe I've been kidding myself... maybe people have just been being polite all these years... maybe I should just give it up. Who knew my ego was so fragile!

But seriously... I feel like a dolt. I'm very confused... am I the little train that could? Should I just keep trying like I have been for the past 3 years, or do I just stop? I don't know, friends. I just don't know. All I do know is that I am so frustrated that I feel like crying, but I can't. Because there's no crying in baseball.

Maybe I just answered my own question.

Reunited and it feels so good...

Longtime readers of the Haps may recall when last year at around this time the President of the Universe came to visit us at work. At the time, Sheldon was all buddy-buddy with him and I totally made fun of him for it because I told him he was being too corporate. Turns out that he is totally REALLY in charge of the Internet now, but is thankfully not all that corporate after all. I hear he only wears suits on Thursdays. BUT I DIGRESS.

So today the President of the Universe returned to visit us again and suddenly it became very clear to me why people would want to be friends with this man. It is because he is very attractive. His hair is full of volume, he was wearing a suit without a tie, he swears and uses vaguely inappropriate language to describe situations and he has a lovely accent. Serious crush material.

Upon my arrival back at my desk, I sent Sheldon an email apologizing to him for making fun of him last year. Because I totally wish I was best friends with the President of the Universe too.

Forget you, Brosnan. There's a new man in town.

PS:

Dear Pierce Brosnan,

I totally did not mean that. It was merely a clever use of humour to illustrate that the President of the Universe is totally crush worthy. It in no way diminishes your hotness factor. Not even. So if you still want to get married, it is totally on. I still heart you.

Love and kisses,

Sarah

I'm back, baby. If George Costanza can do it, I sure as hell can.

After a day of hibernating and watching edited for television movies all day on the couch, I'm finally feeling better about things. When things are going really crappily in life, you just have to tell yourself that there is some sort of reason for it and try and learn something from it. (Oh crud... does that mean that I'm growing up? Frig. Like I really need to do that.)

It also helps to listen to the sweet sweet sounds of JT and practice the awesome dance moves that you may or may not have stolen from the finale of "So You Think You Can Dance" (and I totally CAN, btw) that you watched in the afternoon.

Basically what I'm saying is I'm back, bitches. And this time I'm bringing my A-game. It should be noted that My A-game is totally awesome.

the many signs that illustrate the fact that you have severely pissed off the cosmos.

It all starts out innocently enough. You are super emo about your career situation and right at that very moment you come across a job posting that you are seriously excited about. So you apply. Then you get an interview and it seems to go pretty well. 10 minutes after you get back to your office and are super stoked about the way things are going, your mom calls you at work to tell you that your grandpa died the night before and they didn't tell you right away because they didn't want to mess up your interview. You can't help but think that this surely has to be a sign of some sort, and that this job situation is not likely to turn out in your favour. But, you are trying to cheer yourself up about the supremely shitty news you just received, so you choose to be overly optimistic to compensate.

So then you work really hard on a project and when all is said and done, you are honestly pretty proud of your work. Half an hour after you hand it in and are feeling all proud and excited, your mom calls you again to give you the details about the funeral. Again, you think to yourself, "This can't be a good sign..." but you ignore it and carry on.

Then Friday comes and you are so happy that the weekend is almost here. All you have to do is get through the hugely stressful pile of work you have on your desk, and all will be good. By some crazy coincidence, you get a phone call telling you that your HERO is downstairs. (In my case, that is David Suzuki!) So you FREAK OUT and run downstairs to see him, only to become paralysed by nerves and standing at the top of the stairs having a mild panic attack. You have totally missed your chance to actually meet him, but you shrug it off and go back upstairs. About 15 mins later you are politely and diplomatically informed that you didn't get that job that you wanted so badly. You try to act cool and try not to be too bummed out about it, but you still kind of are. You finish the main portion of your work, and then realize that you still have a huge pile of work to do. It is the kind of work that makes you feel like a caged animal, and suddenly you feel like if one more minor thing goes wrong today you are seriously going to lose it. Just flat out start crying in the middle of the office. But you don't. You stay at work an extra hour to get this shit done ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

So you go shopping in the hopes that you can find something pretty to make you feel better, but you find nothing. All you really want to do at this point is have a friggin' beer and relax because this shit is beyond your control. But you don't. When you finally get home, you notice that there is a magazine left open on the coffee table. The article on the page is called "Why Mr. Right Can't Find You." I am not making this shit up.

So basically, I'm super grumptacular and have about a million reasons to be that way. Wah.

In other news, this blog is now apparently being written by a 13 year old girl who is totally into emo music. Good times all around.

I'm pretty sure February is going to be effing MINT after all this crap.

OMG!!!!!! OMG, I SAID!!!!!!!

You have no idea how excited I am right now. Upon my arrival at home today, I turned on the TV intending to find a random re-run of Friends or some crap to watch like I usually do. BUT THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED.

I discovered that if I am able to get home before 5:30 I can totally watch Happy Days! HAPPY DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I caught the last 10 mins of the episode where Fonzie had an operation on his knee and refused to get of the couch because he couldn't walk and he didn't want people to think he wasn't cool. At one point he refused to talk to anyone other than Mrs. C because "he refuses to talk to anyone who doesn't want him to be cool". HAHAHA!





















This picture has been on my desktop on my laptop for about a year. I LOVE IT.

Growing up, I was mildly obsessed with this show. It was on every day after school, and it always made me laugh my face off. I can't wait to see more! So let this serve as a notice to my co-workers: If I push you out of the way while I'm running at the door, it's because Happy Days is on!

Gettin' on board...

Today is a very special day. So important that it ranks up there with Ash Wednesday and that awesome made up holiday that we get for no reason in August.

TODAY IS NEIL DIAMOND'S BIRTHDAY!

SO EXCITING!!!!!!!

I just found out that every year in Chicago this lady throws a Neil Diamond birthday party. I've never been so upset about not living in Chicago. I would SO be there! They eat birthday cake with his face on it!

I'll just have to improvise. Neil, I shall eat a vegan brownie in your honour. (Or something like that.)

I too appreciate your friendship.

Funny story. So I was on the phone at work the other day talking to my buddy about work-related issues. At the end of the conversation, this is what he said to me:

Buddy: "So I'll talk to you later, then."
Me: "Word up."
Buddy: "Okay. Love you, bye!"
Me: "Okay, bye!"

Approximately 30 seconds pass before I realize what just happened and say out loud, "Did he just say I love you??? HAHAHAHAHA!!"

Not one minute later, an email pops up in my inbox:

I'm pretty sure I just said I love you when I got off the phone... I guess I'm just used to it...

I then laugh out loud for 5 solid minutes before returning the email and trying not to mock him.

But then I told everyone to say "I love you" at the end of all conversations with him for all eternity. HAHAHAHA!

So friend, here's what I should have said:

Everybody does, I'm just that cool. You have great fashion sense. Bye!

An open letter to the new furnace in my house.

Dear New Furnace,

I know we've only been together for about 2 weeks and my mom says that I really need to give people a chance to prove themselves, but you are not a person. So screw that. Since you arrived on that cold day, you have given me nothing but grief. While you do have a super-capacity for pushing hot air, you seem unable to do so quietly. Every hour you start up again, and I have to turn up the volume on the television just to drown you out. Apparently, the great innovations in the furnace industry have TOTALLY MISSED YOU.

Granted, having to turn the tv up is but a minor inconvenience... but that is not my major issue with you. Every night when I am trying to sleep you RUMBLE awake and by doing so you wake ME up. Like at least 4 times a night. I might as well be sleeping in a damn wind tunnel. That is how loud you are. Plus, you make my room unbearably hot.

I am pretty much powerless in this situation because a) I can't close the vent in my room because it is old school, and b) I do not have access to heat controls. Basically, this whole thing is CRAP and I am turning into a zombie. All I want is some sleep!

I really don't think that there is a way for us to peacefully co-exist. I think we need to break up. In the meantime, I'll take some Robaxacet before bed tonight and maybe that will help me get some sleep.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: I hate you.

Oh George Michael, you are a crafty one...

Last week Craig, Mary and I were watching old music videos on youtube and came across this cinematic gem:



About 30 seconds into it, Craig yelled out, "HE IS SO GAY!!!!" We laughed about it, and as we watched more of the video, I began to wonder... HOW DID THEY NOT KNOW FOR SURE???? This video is pretty much solid proof of his incredible gayness. I mean, really... look at those shorts... look at those moves.

The more I thought about it, I finally realized why nobody 'officially' knew until that unfortunate bathroom incident. It is all because of this:



He might as well have been wearing a shirt that says "I love the ladies". As long as this video accompanied it, I never would have doubted it.

The point of this was basically for me to post George videos because I seriously love him. You didn't need to try and fool us, George. Nothing could ever take away from your musical awesomeness.

Sarah of the not-so-much-living.

I am so tired right now that I can barely stand it. I seriously have almost fallen asleep at my desk about 14 times today. Or possibly 41. Numbers don't really mean anything to me at this point. It seems like I can't sleep through the night anymore. I keep frigging waking up in the middle of the night. I'm really quite chuffed about it, because sleeping is like the one thing that I am good at. Like, scary good at. I have slept through minor earthquakes, the loudest of storms and that stupid Harry Potter movie (the first one, I think). SO WHY CAN'T I SLEEP AT NIGHT??? All I know is that I need to get a solid night of sleep very soon, otherwise I'm afraid something very terrible will happen...



Let's just say I won't need to take zombie lessons. I'll be fully qualified to teach that shit.

Me + Inappropriate jokes = True Love 4Ever

It is a well known fact amongst my peers that if you want to get me to really laugh about something, you have to take things to the limit. And by limit, I mean the boundaries of good taste. I much prefer the ones that are just on the verge... straddling the line, if you will. It's a hard thing to pull off, but when you do... magic happens.

Everyone knows the rules. There are certain people/things/circumstances that you are never supposed to joke about. Like citizens of third world countries, which is why the following story is so goddamn funny.

So today at lunch Bernie was explaining to Craig, Seb and I about how yesterday he was feeling too lazy to make a proper dinner for Platypus (who is the Jay to Bernie's Silent Bob... or is it vice versa? Who can say, really.) so he sent him home with frozen chili. We all laughed about it, because let's face it boys, the fact that Bernie is such a devoted mom is kind of hilarious. Until that point, I don't think Seb had realized that Bernie seriously cooks for Platypus every day. His reaction was amazing (please say this with a french accent, svp):

"What is this, World Vision? You sponsor that guy? Does he send you pictures every month? Write you letters? Dear Bernie, thank you for the food. I go to school now! It is all because of you."

I think Craig and I were laughing about that one for a good solid 10 mins. I nearly cried. It was the accent that really sold it though.

Frig. World Vision...HAHAHAHAHAHA!

That one's going in the hall of fame, for serious.

You've got to be kidding me...

So today has been quite an odd one already, and it's only 10:30am! I had a crappy sleep last night and have no idea why. It could be something to do with the fact that we have no control over the heat in our house and the landlords are trying to be nice by keeping it warm for us... but my room is like a flipping SAUNA when they do that. Or it could also have something to do with the ridiculously loud furnace. But who can say why, really...

So when I got up I looked out the window and it was snowing something fierce. I decided that since I walk/bus to work, that this was definitely going to be a snow boots and jeans day. But by the time I got to work, it was raining here and NOBODY else wore jeans. So I totally broke the rules all on my own. It always happens that way... when I stick it out and wear the not so warm not denim pants on a snow day and freeze my butt off, everyone else DOES wear them. Jerks.

Then I had bus problems... most of which involved waiting for the bus for a loooooong damn time, then getting stuck in traffic while on the bus. When I was on my second bus, the bus driver made a little announcement... "Hey, if you wouldn't mind, could everyone just have a look around for an unattended backpack? If you see it, don't touch it... but just let me know where it is." WTF???? At this point I'm thinking, "What the hell is this, Speed??" I kind of wished I had found it so I could have made a Keanu reference. Heh.

Also, I randomly started bleeding from my finger. Maybe this means I am one of the chosen ones? Cause that would be pretty ironic. I love this day.

Hypothetically speaking...

So lets say (just for fun) that it is Friday night. Maybe you got home around 10:30 at night... maybe you are slightly intoxicated... would anything be better than watching Harvey Birdman or Space Ghost? Ummmm... nope. Not really. But I hear that Bubba Ho Tep is pretty okay... though I seriously have no idea what that is. So ANYWAYS... what could be better than Space Ghost?



Being able to do this effing choreography, that's what. Shoot, I wouldn't be single if I could pull that off!

The one where everyone else's problems suddenly become MINE.

Actually, allow me to expand on the title a little bit. It should really say, "The one where everyone else's problems suddenly become MINE even though I don't give two craps about said problems because they are NOT mine."

Yes... that is a way better title.

So ANYWAYS... I've got some news. I'm finally starting to feel better today. That WAS awesome news this morning, but then stupid jerks had to get all up in my grill about crap and then it wasn't awesome any more. I love how vague I am being about it... especially since I am using my grade 4 swears to do so. I bet if I had a grade 4 diary page it would sound pretty much the same:

Today my teacher was mad at me because I skipped the last question in my math homework. It was too hard and I didn't feel like doing it. She is such a stupid jerk. Who gives a crap about long division anyways? I DON'T. Long division is for jerks. And then Suzie was mad at me because I told Phillip some stupid crap about her because he asked and then he was all grumpy about it because he didn't like the crap I told him. It's totally not my fault anyways. I don't give two craps about their stupid problems. I've got enough going on with this stupid long division stuff. I'm never going to make it to grade 6. Jerks. WHY DOES EVERYONE BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING????

Heh. Good times with Grade 4. Good times.

Do you really want to make me cry?

So yesterday, in an attempt to FREAK ME THE HELL OUT, Platypus brought something into my office. He put it on my desk, shoved it in my face and waved it around me. Honestly, it worked. It was perhaps the creepiest thing I have ever seen. I strongly suspect that it is still inside the building, and it is seriously freaking me out!!!!!! Do you want to see it? Okay, fine. You asked for it...

WARNING: Not suitable for... anyone really.



GOOD GOD, THAT THING IS TERRIFYING! IT IS A ROBOT CAT. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID ROBOT CAT. POSSIBLY THE WORST COMBINATION OF THINGS EVER. I HATE ROBOTS AND I HATE CATS. *shudder*

Seriously though... doesn't that thing just look like it's ready to turn on you at ANY SECOND??? Gives me the heebie jeebies. I actually just got the shivers from thinking about it. No joke.

On a positive note, I found this awesome clip while I was searching for the evil robot cat. It made me laugh because nothing is funnier than THE TRUTH.



I knew it! Documented proof of the evil ways of cats. I told you so.

Who needs a qualified physician anyways?

So I'm totally sick. I'm pretty sure it's a cold and not the flu, as per what the internet tells me. It kind of feels like my head is full of cotton... and I am a total mouth breather WHICH I HATE. Mouth breathers are so gross! Yuck.

So basically, my self-diagnosis is that I have a lame stupid cold, possibly with a slight fever. My prescription? More cowbell. And maybe some more NyQuil.




















Me too, Christopher Walken. Me too.

Just a little something to ponder...

I was just walking down the hallway and heard the following portion of a conversation:

"It's my birthday. 41 is the new 17, you know."

My first thought (which I didn't say) was, "Does this mean that 25 is the new zygote?"

So... is it?

'Cause if it is, then I am at about the right level of maturity. HEYYYY-OOOOOO!

Oh Happy Day... when Yo! What's the haps was born...

That's right kids, one year ago today I was just a girl with a dream. A dream of being a blogger. And I made that shit happen. Today is my blog-iversary! Woot! I am choosing to celebrate through the magic of dance! I'm bringing it waaaaaayyyyy back and would like to share with you some of my favourite videos. (You know you love it.)



I love doing this dance. I've gotten really good at it, yo!




Come on. This is a classic! This is pretty much what I look like when I get excited about things. LIKE MY BLOG-IVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll see you kids at the Max after class.

An open letter to January.

Dear January,

You used to be cool. What the frig happened? We have only been back together for 4 days, and you have made these 4 days COMPLETELY MISERABLE. You teased me by letting me win $40 at the casino after midnight and then you stole my joy. You stole my goddamn joy. So basically what I am saying here is that I am totally pissed at you right now. I am officially giving you 27 days to make it up to me. So get on that. Woo me, January. Make me love you again.

Sincerely,
Sarah

PS: It should be noted that I really like marshmallows, fancy jelly beans and shoes.

Now that's Konka tough. No, I didn't mean Tonka...

Being a whinypants has finally paid off. Due to my constant complaining about only having a 20 inch television, Platypus offered up his 27 inch tv, because he is inheriting Bernie's 14 bagillion inch tv. (Bernie is getting a newer 14 bagillion inch flat screen. Woot.) You would think that this is quite the score for me... so why have I been laughing my ass of about it all day?

Because it's a Konka.

I know what you are thinking. What the hell is a Konka?? Apparently Konka is the brand name of the finest in Chinese electronics. (Yeah... China isn't really known for it's electronics...) The entire time he was trying to sell me on the idea of owning a gently used Konka, he could not stop laughing. Neither could I. I am laughing my head off as I write this. Because Konka could not be any funnier if it tried. Just imagine for a minute that you own a Konka... these are the kind of conversations you could be having:

"Yo, what is up friend?"
"I just got a new tv."
"Oh yeah, what kind?"
"A Konka."
"A whatta?"
"A Konka. It's the finest in Chinese electronics."
"Good luck with that."
"Thanks, yo."

I have yet to determine whether or not the tv is actually descent, or if this is all just part of an elaborate plot to kill me because Platypus knows the damn thing is due to explode in about 3 months time. Oh well. Only time will tell... I will leave you with my favourite part of the sales pitch, courtesy of Platypus...

Me: (laughing) "But it's a Konka!"
Platypus: "Ummm... it's got a remote! Remotes are cool, huh? Plus you can scratch off the K and replace it with a T."

Well kid, you've got yourself a deal.

Taking back Tuesday.

Duuuuuuuuudes. Degrassi is so friggin harsh!!!!!

Craig came back with a coke addiction!!! Craig and Manny broke up!!! Craig and Ellie said they loved each other!!! Toby got beat up!!! Taking Back Sunday was on!!! NEXT WEEK A KID IS GOING TO GET KILLED!!!

This show is so goddamn intense. It just keeps on coming. And I love every minute of it. Except for the Craig and Ellie thing. I never liked them together. Ellie is so lame. Whatever, Ellie.

But seriously. A KID IS GOING TO GET KILLED. I wonder who it will be... dun dun dunnnnnnnn!

I can't friggin WAIT!

**UPDATE**

Psssssssst! So my sister and I have done some research and we are both pretty sure that JT is going to be the one who gets killed. THAT IS WAY FRIGGIN' HARSHER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE. That shit is insane, seriously. I hope it's not JT, but all signs point to him. Wah.

Lies and the lying liars who tell them.

So Dave told me this morning that things could really only get better today. Turns out that Dave tells vicious, vicious lies. It did not get better.

At lunch I heated up my lasagna like super hot, but when I got to the middle it was still totally frozen. Let me tell you, a mouthful of partially frozen lasagna is really not good times.

THEN I had a certain somebody call me stupid about 17 times in a row... and because I was so flustered by all the stupid crap I've had to deal with today, all I could come up with was, "I'm not stupid... you're stupid!" and variations on the same. Another good one was "Bu... I... you... ARRRRGH!!!!"

This day is the stupidest day EVER. I just went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea BECAUSE I DESERVED ONE, and I accidentally had the lid closed when I put it on. When I went to open the lid, SCALDING HOT TEA EXPLODED OUT OF THE CUP AND ON TO MY HANDS.

I hate you, Tuesday Jan 2nd, 2007. You can go bleepity-bleep yourself AND your uncle.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OH, SNAP! IT'S 2007!

I thought it was all going so well when by 12:45am I had made a profit of $40 at the casino... and then this morning happened. My pants got soaking wet from the house to work journey this morning. Then my shoes were squishing. Then I found out that I made a mistake last week at work and it was a BIG mistake. HAHAHA! I LOVE YOU, 2007!

Frig. Like Dave said, things can only get better, right? Right?????? Oy.