the many signs that illustrate the fact that you have severely pissed off the cosmos.

It all starts out innocently enough. You are super emo about your career situation and right at that very moment you come across a job posting that you are seriously excited about. So you apply. Then you get an interview and it seems to go pretty well. 10 minutes after you get back to your office and are super stoked about the way things are going, your mom calls you at work to tell you that your grandpa died the night before and they didn't tell you right away because they didn't want to mess up your interview. You can't help but think that this surely has to be a sign of some sort, and that this job situation is not likely to turn out in your favour. But, you are trying to cheer yourself up about the supremely shitty news you just received, so you choose to be overly optimistic to compensate.

So then you work really hard on a project and when all is said and done, you are honestly pretty proud of your work. Half an hour after you hand it in and are feeling all proud and excited, your mom calls you again to give you the details about the funeral. Again, you think to yourself, "This can't be a good sign..." but you ignore it and carry on.

Then Friday comes and you are so happy that the weekend is almost here. All you have to do is get through the hugely stressful pile of work you have on your desk, and all will be good. By some crazy coincidence, you get a phone call telling you that your HERO is downstairs. (In my case, that is David Suzuki!) So you FREAK OUT and run downstairs to see him, only to become paralysed by nerves and standing at the top of the stairs having a mild panic attack. You have totally missed your chance to actually meet him, but you shrug it off and go back upstairs. About 15 mins later you are politely and diplomatically informed that you didn't get that job that you wanted so badly. You try to act cool and try not to be too bummed out about it, but you still kind of are. You finish the main portion of your work, and then realize that you still have a huge pile of work to do. It is the kind of work that makes you feel like a caged animal, and suddenly you feel like if one more minor thing goes wrong today you are seriously going to lose it. Just flat out start crying in the middle of the office. But you don't. You stay at work an extra hour to get this shit done ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

So you go shopping in the hopes that you can find something pretty to make you feel better, but you find nothing. All you really want to do at this point is have a friggin' beer and relax because this shit is beyond your control. But you don't. When you finally get home, you notice that there is a magazine left open on the coffee table. The article on the page is called "Why Mr. Right Can't Find You." I am not making this shit up.

So basically, I'm super grumptacular and have about a million reasons to be that way. Wah.

In other news, this blog is now apparently being written by a 13 year old girl who is totally into emo music. Good times all around.

I'm pretty sure February is going to be effing MINT after all this crap.

OMG!!!!!! OMG, I SAID!!!!!!!

You have no idea how excited I am right now. Upon my arrival at home today, I turned on the TV intending to find a random re-run of Friends or some crap to watch like I usually do. BUT THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED.

I discovered that if I am able to get home before 5:30 I can totally watch Happy Days! HAPPY DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I caught the last 10 mins of the episode where Fonzie had an operation on his knee and refused to get of the couch because he couldn't walk and he didn't want people to think he wasn't cool. At one point he refused to talk to anyone other than Mrs. C because "he refuses to talk to anyone who doesn't want him to be cool". HAHAHA!





















This picture has been on my desktop on my laptop for about a year. I LOVE IT.

Growing up, I was mildly obsessed with this show. It was on every day after school, and it always made me laugh my face off. I can't wait to see more! So let this serve as a notice to my co-workers: If I push you out of the way while I'm running at the door, it's because Happy Days is on!

Gettin' on board...

Today is a very special day. So important that it ranks up there with Ash Wednesday and that awesome made up holiday that we get for no reason in August.

TODAY IS NEIL DIAMOND'S BIRTHDAY!

SO EXCITING!!!!!!!

I just found out that every year in Chicago this lady throws a Neil Diamond birthday party. I've never been so upset about not living in Chicago. I would SO be there! They eat birthday cake with his face on it!

I'll just have to improvise. Neil, I shall eat a vegan brownie in your honour. (Or something like that.)

I too appreciate your friendship.

Funny story. So I was on the phone at work the other day talking to my buddy about work-related issues. At the end of the conversation, this is what he said to me:

Buddy: "So I'll talk to you later, then."
Me: "Word up."
Buddy: "Okay. Love you, bye!"
Me: "Okay, bye!"

Approximately 30 seconds pass before I realize what just happened and say out loud, "Did he just say I love you??? HAHAHAHAHA!!"

Not one minute later, an email pops up in my inbox:

I'm pretty sure I just said I love you when I got off the phone... I guess I'm just used to it...

I then laugh out loud for 5 solid minutes before returning the email and trying not to mock him.

But then I told everyone to say "I love you" at the end of all conversations with him for all eternity. HAHAHAHA!

So friend, here's what I should have said:

Everybody does, I'm just that cool. You have great fashion sense. Bye!

An open letter to the new furnace in my house.

Dear New Furnace,

I know we've only been together for about 2 weeks and my mom says that I really need to give people a chance to prove themselves, but you are not a person. So screw that. Since you arrived on that cold day, you have given me nothing but grief. While you do have a super-capacity for pushing hot air, you seem unable to do so quietly. Every hour you start up again, and I have to turn up the volume on the television just to drown you out. Apparently, the great innovations in the furnace industry have TOTALLY MISSED YOU.

Granted, having to turn the tv up is but a minor inconvenience... but that is not my major issue with you. Every night when I am trying to sleep you RUMBLE awake and by doing so you wake ME up. Like at least 4 times a night. I might as well be sleeping in a damn wind tunnel. That is how loud you are. Plus, you make my room unbearably hot.

I am pretty much powerless in this situation because a) I can't close the vent in my room because it is old school, and b) I do not have access to heat controls. Basically, this whole thing is CRAP and I am turning into a zombie. All I want is some sleep!

I really don't think that there is a way for us to peacefully co-exist. I think we need to break up. In the meantime, I'll take some Robaxacet before bed tonight and maybe that will help me get some sleep.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: I hate you.

Oh George Michael, you are a crafty one...

Last week Craig, Mary and I were watching old music videos on youtube and came across this cinematic gem:



About 30 seconds into it, Craig yelled out, "HE IS SO GAY!!!!" We laughed about it, and as we watched more of the video, I began to wonder... HOW DID THEY NOT KNOW FOR SURE???? This video is pretty much solid proof of his incredible gayness. I mean, really... look at those shorts... look at those moves.

The more I thought about it, I finally realized why nobody 'officially' knew until that unfortunate bathroom incident. It is all because of this:



He might as well have been wearing a shirt that says "I love the ladies". As long as this video accompanied it, I never would have doubted it.

The point of this was basically for me to post George videos because I seriously love him. You didn't need to try and fool us, George. Nothing could ever take away from your musical awesomeness.

Sarah of the not-so-much-living.

I am so tired right now that I can barely stand it. I seriously have almost fallen asleep at my desk about 14 times today. Or possibly 41. Numbers don't really mean anything to me at this point. It seems like I can't sleep through the night anymore. I keep frigging waking up in the middle of the night. I'm really quite chuffed about it, because sleeping is like the one thing that I am good at. Like, scary good at. I have slept through minor earthquakes, the loudest of storms and that stupid Harry Potter movie (the first one, I think). SO WHY CAN'T I SLEEP AT NIGHT??? All I know is that I need to get a solid night of sleep very soon, otherwise I'm afraid something very terrible will happen...



Let's just say I won't need to take zombie lessons. I'll be fully qualified to teach that shit.

Me + Inappropriate jokes = True Love 4Ever

It is a well known fact amongst my peers that if you want to get me to really laugh about something, you have to take things to the limit. And by limit, I mean the boundaries of good taste. I much prefer the ones that are just on the verge... straddling the line, if you will. It's a hard thing to pull off, but when you do... magic happens.

Everyone knows the rules. There are certain people/things/circumstances that you are never supposed to joke about. Like citizens of third world countries, which is why the following story is so goddamn funny.

So today at lunch Bernie was explaining to Craig, Seb and I about how yesterday he was feeling too lazy to make a proper dinner for Platypus (who is the Jay to Bernie's Silent Bob... or is it vice versa? Who can say, really.) so he sent him home with frozen chili. We all laughed about it, because let's face it boys, the fact that Bernie is such a devoted mom is kind of hilarious. Until that point, I don't think Seb had realized that Bernie seriously cooks for Platypus every day. His reaction was amazing (please say this with a french accent, svp):

"What is this, World Vision? You sponsor that guy? Does he send you pictures every month? Write you letters? Dear Bernie, thank you for the food. I go to school now! It is all because of you."

I think Craig and I were laughing about that one for a good solid 10 mins. I nearly cried. It was the accent that really sold it though.

Frig. World Vision...HAHAHAHAHAHA!

That one's going in the hall of fame, for serious.

You've got to be kidding me...

So today has been quite an odd one already, and it's only 10:30am! I had a crappy sleep last night and have no idea why. It could be something to do with the fact that we have no control over the heat in our house and the landlords are trying to be nice by keeping it warm for us... but my room is like a flipping SAUNA when they do that. Or it could also have something to do with the ridiculously loud furnace. But who can say why, really...

So when I got up I looked out the window and it was snowing something fierce. I decided that since I walk/bus to work, that this was definitely going to be a snow boots and jeans day. But by the time I got to work, it was raining here and NOBODY else wore jeans. So I totally broke the rules all on my own. It always happens that way... when I stick it out and wear the not so warm not denim pants on a snow day and freeze my butt off, everyone else DOES wear them. Jerks.

Then I had bus problems... most of which involved waiting for the bus for a loooooong damn time, then getting stuck in traffic while on the bus. When I was on my second bus, the bus driver made a little announcement... "Hey, if you wouldn't mind, could everyone just have a look around for an unattended backpack? If you see it, don't touch it... but just let me know where it is." WTF???? At this point I'm thinking, "What the hell is this, Speed??" I kind of wished I had found it so I could have made a Keanu reference. Heh.

Also, I randomly started bleeding from my finger. Maybe this means I am one of the chosen ones? Cause that would be pretty ironic. I love this day.

Hypothetically speaking...

So lets say (just for fun) that it is Friday night. Maybe you got home around 10:30 at night... maybe you are slightly intoxicated... would anything be better than watching Harvey Birdman or Space Ghost? Ummmm... nope. Not really. But I hear that Bubba Ho Tep is pretty okay... though I seriously have no idea what that is. So ANYWAYS... what could be better than Space Ghost?



Being able to do this effing choreography, that's what. Shoot, I wouldn't be single if I could pull that off!

The one where everyone else's problems suddenly become MINE.

Actually, allow me to expand on the title a little bit. It should really say, "The one where everyone else's problems suddenly become MINE even though I don't give two craps about said problems because they are NOT mine."

Yes... that is a way better title.

So ANYWAYS... I've got some news. I'm finally starting to feel better today. That WAS awesome news this morning, but then stupid jerks had to get all up in my grill about crap and then it wasn't awesome any more. I love how vague I am being about it... especially since I am using my grade 4 swears to do so. I bet if I had a grade 4 diary page it would sound pretty much the same:

Today my teacher was mad at me because I skipped the last question in my math homework. It was too hard and I didn't feel like doing it. She is such a stupid jerk. Who gives a crap about long division anyways? I DON'T. Long division is for jerks. And then Suzie was mad at me because I told Phillip some stupid crap about her because he asked and then he was all grumpy about it because he didn't like the crap I told him. It's totally not my fault anyways. I don't give two craps about their stupid problems. I've got enough going on with this stupid long division stuff. I'm never going to make it to grade 6. Jerks. WHY DOES EVERYONE BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING????

Heh. Good times with Grade 4. Good times.

Do you really want to make me cry?

So yesterday, in an attempt to FREAK ME THE HELL OUT, Platypus brought something into my office. He put it on my desk, shoved it in my face and waved it around me. Honestly, it worked. It was perhaps the creepiest thing I have ever seen. I strongly suspect that it is still inside the building, and it is seriously freaking me out!!!!!! Do you want to see it? Okay, fine. You asked for it...

WARNING: Not suitable for... anyone really.



GOOD GOD, THAT THING IS TERRIFYING! IT IS A ROBOT CAT. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID ROBOT CAT. POSSIBLY THE WORST COMBINATION OF THINGS EVER. I HATE ROBOTS AND I HATE CATS. *shudder*

Seriously though... doesn't that thing just look like it's ready to turn on you at ANY SECOND??? Gives me the heebie jeebies. I actually just got the shivers from thinking about it. No joke.

On a positive note, I found this awesome clip while I was searching for the evil robot cat. It made me laugh because nothing is funnier than THE TRUTH.



I knew it! Documented proof of the evil ways of cats. I told you so.

Who needs a qualified physician anyways?

So I'm totally sick. I'm pretty sure it's a cold and not the flu, as per what the internet tells me. It kind of feels like my head is full of cotton... and I am a total mouth breather WHICH I HATE. Mouth breathers are so gross! Yuck.

So basically, my self-diagnosis is that I have a lame stupid cold, possibly with a slight fever. My prescription? More cowbell. And maybe some more NyQuil.




















Me too, Christopher Walken. Me too.

Just a little something to ponder...

I was just walking down the hallway and heard the following portion of a conversation:

"It's my birthday. 41 is the new 17, you know."

My first thought (which I didn't say) was, "Does this mean that 25 is the new zygote?"

So... is it?

'Cause if it is, then I am at about the right level of maturity. HEYYYY-OOOOOO!

Oh Happy Day... when Yo! What's the haps was born...

That's right kids, one year ago today I was just a girl with a dream. A dream of being a blogger. And I made that shit happen. Today is my blog-iversary! Woot! I am choosing to celebrate through the magic of dance! I'm bringing it waaaaaayyyyy back and would like to share with you some of my favourite videos. (You know you love it.)



I love doing this dance. I've gotten really good at it, yo!




Come on. This is a classic! This is pretty much what I look like when I get excited about things. LIKE MY BLOG-IVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll see you kids at the Max after class.

An open letter to January.

Dear January,

You used to be cool. What the frig happened? We have only been back together for 4 days, and you have made these 4 days COMPLETELY MISERABLE. You teased me by letting me win $40 at the casino after midnight and then you stole my joy. You stole my goddamn joy. So basically what I am saying here is that I am totally pissed at you right now. I am officially giving you 27 days to make it up to me. So get on that. Woo me, January. Make me love you again.

Sincerely,
Sarah

PS: It should be noted that I really like marshmallows, fancy jelly beans and shoes.

Now that's Konka tough. No, I didn't mean Tonka...

Being a whinypants has finally paid off. Due to my constant complaining about only having a 20 inch television, Platypus offered up his 27 inch tv, because he is inheriting Bernie's 14 bagillion inch tv. (Bernie is getting a newer 14 bagillion inch flat screen. Woot.) You would think that this is quite the score for me... so why have I been laughing my ass of about it all day?

Because it's a Konka.

I know what you are thinking. What the hell is a Konka?? Apparently Konka is the brand name of the finest in Chinese electronics. (Yeah... China isn't really known for it's electronics...) The entire time he was trying to sell me on the idea of owning a gently used Konka, he could not stop laughing. Neither could I. I am laughing my head off as I write this. Because Konka could not be any funnier if it tried. Just imagine for a minute that you own a Konka... these are the kind of conversations you could be having:

"Yo, what is up friend?"
"I just got a new tv."
"Oh yeah, what kind?"
"A Konka."
"A whatta?"
"A Konka. It's the finest in Chinese electronics."
"Good luck with that."
"Thanks, yo."

I have yet to determine whether or not the tv is actually descent, or if this is all just part of an elaborate plot to kill me because Platypus knows the damn thing is due to explode in about 3 months time. Oh well. Only time will tell... I will leave you with my favourite part of the sales pitch, courtesy of Platypus...

Me: (laughing) "But it's a Konka!"
Platypus: "Ummm... it's got a remote! Remotes are cool, huh? Plus you can scratch off the K and replace it with a T."

Well kid, you've got yourself a deal.

Taking back Tuesday.

Duuuuuuuuudes. Degrassi is so friggin harsh!!!!!

Craig came back with a coke addiction!!! Craig and Manny broke up!!! Craig and Ellie said they loved each other!!! Toby got beat up!!! Taking Back Sunday was on!!! NEXT WEEK A KID IS GOING TO GET KILLED!!!

This show is so goddamn intense. It just keeps on coming. And I love every minute of it. Except for the Craig and Ellie thing. I never liked them together. Ellie is so lame. Whatever, Ellie.

But seriously. A KID IS GOING TO GET KILLED. I wonder who it will be... dun dun dunnnnnnnn!

I can't friggin WAIT!

**UPDATE**

Psssssssst! So my sister and I have done some research and we are both pretty sure that JT is going to be the one who gets killed. THAT IS WAY FRIGGIN' HARSHER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE. That shit is insane, seriously. I hope it's not JT, but all signs point to him. Wah.

Lies and the lying liars who tell them.

So Dave told me this morning that things could really only get better today. Turns out that Dave tells vicious, vicious lies. It did not get better.

At lunch I heated up my lasagna like super hot, but when I got to the middle it was still totally frozen. Let me tell you, a mouthful of partially frozen lasagna is really not good times.

THEN I had a certain somebody call me stupid about 17 times in a row... and because I was so flustered by all the stupid crap I've had to deal with today, all I could come up with was, "I'm not stupid... you're stupid!" and variations on the same. Another good one was "Bu... I... you... ARRRRGH!!!!"

This day is the stupidest day EVER. I just went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea BECAUSE I DESERVED ONE, and I accidentally had the lid closed when I put it on. When I went to open the lid, SCALDING HOT TEA EXPLODED OUT OF THE CUP AND ON TO MY HANDS.

I hate you, Tuesday Jan 2nd, 2007. You can go bleepity-bleep yourself AND your uncle.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OH, SNAP! IT'S 2007!

I thought it was all going so well when by 12:45am I had made a profit of $40 at the casino... and then this morning happened. My pants got soaking wet from the house to work journey this morning. Then my shoes were squishing. Then I found out that I made a mistake last week at work and it was a BIG mistake. HAHAHA! I LOVE YOU, 2007!

Frig. Like Dave said, things can only get better, right? Right?????? Oy.

It's all over now, Baby Blue.

So that's it, kids. Christmas is over for another year. It was pretty okay. What was not pretty okay was getting up to go to work this morning. I was really not pleased about it. Not at all. But when I got on the empty bus (with the nerdily adorable bus driver) and sat down at a window seat and realised that wearing my new coat felt like wearing a fluffy duvet, I was alright with the situation.

Now I am at work and it is kind of relaxing because there is no one here. I am not allowed to take time off at Christmas, but EVERYONE ELSE IS. It is way better this way. It is kind of like being on vacation, except that you aren't at home and you are doing some work, but not enough to make you feel cruddy about things. Plus, I'm pretty sure most of the people that are actually here right now are going to cut out early because they can. It is like an office full of the kids that always sit at the back of the class and just walk out right in the middle of the lesson because we are badasses. I plan to finish out the week with a little hard work, heavy on the heckling people and lots of chillin with my homies. WOOT.

It's not so bad, I guess.

It just wouldn't be the same without a little Charlie Brown.

Denis Leary, I friggin love you!



This can be found on Denis Leary's Merry F$%&in' Christmas. He's so hot when he gets mad... so like, pretty much all the time he's really hot. *sigh*

So maybe it doesn't suck 100%.

This morning I woke up at 8:00. AM. On a Saturday. In case you were not aware, that is kind of bullshit. Whatevs. It actually worked out okay, because that allowed me to get out of the house and finish all my errands by noon! That is kind of awesome, because I completely avoided the crowds and traffic. Woot! But when I finished everything at noon I was left to ponder something. What the hell was I going to do for the rest of the day?

The answer is: NOTHING! It was totally lame and awesome at the same time. It was a wonderful kind of melancholy. I felt so great about having nothing left to do that I even went so far as to order pizza! I NEVER DO THAT. EVER. I am told it will arrive in no less than 30 minutes, and I am pretty friggin' stoked about it. It is going to be so hardcore delicious. Especially when I drink some chocolate beer while I am eating it. *yesssss*

I am totally on board with this Christmas thing, now that all that is left to do is EAT FOOD, DRINK BEER/WINE WITH SAID FOOD AND OPEN PRESENTS. I choose to be in denial about the "spending time with annoying family members" bit. It just ruins the fun. Though... they might very well give me the chance to yell "You ruined Christmas!" like I promised Dave I would do. It will be even better if I actually mean it! HA!

AND THEN there is brunch. I looooooove me some brunch. I am so excited that I get to go to one tomorrow morning! I think it will be AWESOME.

So yeah, Christmas is coming. What about it?

City busses, city busses, dressed in holiday style...

I worked late today in preparation for the hurricane of CRAP that is bound to hit my work email inbox tomorrow morning. So, when I was waiting for the bus on the way home it was cold and dark. When I saw the bus coming after only waiting for about 8 mins I was super excited. Then I got on the bus. This is where things really got exciting.

The bus driver was this cheerful man in his 50's, who was wearing a magical santa hat with flashing LED lights and holiday pins all over it. He seemed pretty into this whole Christmas thing. But that was not the best part. This funny little man had taken the time to decorate the inside of the bus!!! All along the front windows he had placed sparkly garland and FRESH ACTUAL TREE GARLAND.

Now, I'm not big into this "being festive" business, but I totally dug the Christmas bus. Perhaps it was the sheer volume of Christmas spirit this man posessed and I got zapped by it... but it was probably because the whole bus smelled like yummy fresh Christmas trees as opposed to the "my brother's feet" smell I am usually greeted with. Who knows.

Oh, Degrassi! You're crazy!

I seriously love Degrassi. It is so friggin' hardcore. Right now there is this creepo teacher with severe anger issues threatening a kid! It is crazy!!!!

There's a kid who just got out of jail, a kid who is a recovering anorexic/whore, evil teachers and SO MUCH MORE!!!!!

You should probably watch it. It is like something they should be showing on Showcase, except there is no swearing. Good times.

In other news, today I made matzoh ball soup for dinner. It was freaking delicious. If you have not had it, you totally need to try it. It is like you are eating chicken soup and dipping yummy bread into it... except that it is wayyyyyyy cooler because the bread is already in the soup! It is like magic! Plus it is super easy because you can buy a mix in the kosher food section. I think it is my new favourite thing. I'm totally eating it for lunch tomorrow. Yummmmmmmmm.

The pinnacle of organization and professionalism.

Yes, that would be me. I have developed a plan and I have put a system in place that will (hopefully) allow me to handle this week spectacularly. I'm quite pleased with myself at the moment. But we will have to wait and see how this turns out. I'm still half expecting a shitstorm. I hope I DO NOT get one.

I am totally a grumpy grumperson today. I really shouldn't be because I got free chocolate, free lunch and a Christmas present today. BUT... then a couple of crappy things happened, so I suppose this day is totally balanced, karmically speaking. I kind of wish it had just been 100% awesome without the bad crap involved. (Oh, you know what I am talking about, strange internet stalker guy.)

BUT... when I go home today I am totally going to eat a cupcake. It is going to be awesome. Assuming nothing falls on my head on the way home, we should end up sitting on the "not so bad after all" side of the fence today. Woot!

The Nightmare Before Christmas

I had the weirdest dream... I dreamt that I got a random email from someone I do not know politely (yet somehow menacingly) requesting that I delete one of my blog posts for an unspecified reason, so I did because I am such an accomodating person.

Weird, eh? It's a good thing it was only a dream.

That's totally the last time I eat nacho cheese rice chips before bed.

Talkin 'bout crazy cool medallions...

I was having a bit of a grumpfest this morning upon realizing that I might have to cancel my hair appointment on Friday because unlike last year, my office is not closing early on the last day before Christmas!!! THIS IS HORRIBLE NEWS. I really need my hair done like CRAZY BAD, and I made this appointment WEEKS ago. It's impossible to get in to see awesome Alan because he's crazy busy right now. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?? There's got to be a way.

ANYWAYS, I sulked about this all morning and I decided I needed some cheering up, courtesy of the YouTube. Boy, did I ever find it! I watched a couple of segments from this weeks SNL with my boyfriend JT. I was pretty friggin' excited to see the return of Barry Gibb Talk Show. BUT... finding the following two videos made me every so happy all afternoon. I love them!



We got eggs... we know how to cook them!




SOUP! There it is! Give it on up to homelessville! That's just plain fun.

AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks to Brie for this one:




HAHAHAHAHA! That is kind of hilarious in a sad and frighteningly true sort of way... erm... so... how about that weather, eh? Is that crazy, or WHAT?

I got 99 Problems...

... and potato latke mix ain't one! (I found it yesterday. Woot!) But there really are a lot of problems right now. Like how my refrigerator froze my damn cottage cheese. I totally wanted to eat it, but noooooooooooooooooooo it had to be frozen. Seriously, the one time I actually have a craving for something healthy and I can't have it. BOO-URNS TO YOU, FRIDGE!

Another problem: errands. I hate them, but it seems as though I have a lot of them to get done these days. Friggin Christmas. That sucks. The good news is that I got a few done yesterday, so that was pretty okay.

Next up: lack of storage space in my room. It looks like it has been hit by a friggin' tornado. I just don't have the room for all the furniture I require. I need another dresser like CRAZY, but there is no room for one. It is hardcore lame. I'm going to keep brainstorming this one though. There has got to be a way. As of this moment, my only solution is to make my room bigger by about a million square feet. (NOTE: I have no idea how big a square foot actually is, so it is impossible for me to tell you how much more room I actually need. It is probably way smaller than a million.)

Oy, the stress! Wah.

You rock, baby!

The above title can be taken literally, as I am about to blow your minds with the awesomest baby picture you have ever seen. Get ready to rock out with baby Lukas!!!

















SERIOUSLY. HOW FRIGGIN' CUTE IS THIS???? I understand that he is probably actually crying, but when I first saw it I imagined that he was yelling something like "FIIIIRE!" or "COME ONNNN!" And do you not see how he is making the little rock fists? I love it.

You've done well, Sheldon and Jackie. I love your work.

The lazy lunch.

This morning I decided that I was going to eat nothing but a giant portion of edamame for lunch. I even packed some salt to sprinkle over it. Yummmmmmmmm.

BUT... I worry about what this will do to my rep at work. They already think I am a total hippie because I like to eat vegetarian food sometimes and I am a fan of organic food. Now I am going to go down there and eat nothing but soybean pods and an organic apple? I might as well have come to work wearing Birkenstocks and wool socks.

Am I a hippie? God, I hope not... but I actually kind of enjoy the taste of granola. But I totally hate the smell of patchouli, so I think I'm still safe. That stuff smells like dirt, for reals.

Thanks, self!

So I had another day off today, and this time it was all about me. I bought myself two awesomely awesome presents and had a grand ol' time doing so. I'm so excited about my new stuff!

ITEM #1:

Bumble and Bumble Hair Powder! This stuff is going to give me great hair when I'm waiting for my new haircut. Woot! I WILL HAVE VOLUME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fabulous.

ITEM #2:

MY HANUKKAH LIGHTS!!!!!!!!! I love them so friggin much. I put them up at home, and now it looks a little more festive up in this biatch. I'm starting to get really excited about Hanukkah. It starts on Friday night... and I still have so much left to do! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love it.

This is going to be the best Hanukkah ever.

Heh.

In order to make up for the trauma inflicted upon me earlier by Il Divo (more like EL DIABLO, if you ask me...) karma payed me back with something awesome. There is a stupid Christmas song playing right now... it is called "Christmas Is Coming" by the Payolas. The fantastic part about this song is that there is this fantastic little guitar riff that makes it sound like the theme song from Beverly Hills 90210! Now THAT is amazing.


















Merry Christmas Brandon! You too, Dylan. (We can have makeouts in the quad later, okay?) Kelly, Brenda and Steve... best wishes for a festive holiday season (and BFF, right? RIGHT?) AND A BIG OL' HAPPY HANUKKAH TO DAVID SILVER! Andrea... whatever, nobody likes you anyways. Nerd.

Well, it was fun while it lasted...

Holy shit. Just when I thought things could not possibly get any worse, the ladies in my department broke out the old Il Divo Christmas album. It was traumatizing. I am still trying to recover from the severe psychological damage this has caused me. I don't know that I will ever get over it.

But then it got even worse. I was searching for a clip of them singing "Over the Rainbow", (because I think it is morally wrong for grown men to be singing that song and I thought you needed to see it) when I found this instead. It is like my worst nightmare has come to life. Seriously. You need to see this.





All I can say is that you should probably stock up on fire-proof umbrellas, because I'm pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. *shudder*

Boney M is back in full effect...

ALL CHRISTMAS RADIO IS A BAD IDEA.

Mostly because the ladies in my office were feeling festive and listened to it ALL DAY. It's bad enough that we have to listen to mom music all day, but now this??? I swear, someone out there is very angry with me... I'm pretty sure this was not an attempt by random programmers to appease listeners, but rather a targeted attack against yours truly. WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO THEM?? I bet the mall people put them up to it. Those bitches have been doing this to me every year since birth!

I tried to lessen the blow by listening to internet radio all day, but I can still hear it. Damn my sensitive ears! *sigh*

I'm trying to be a good sport about this whole Christmas thing, so I'd like to share with you one of the few Christmas songs I actually like. (Yes, there is at least one.) I hope you like it.



Oi to the world, indeed. Major props and raising of a lop-sided roof to the Vandals for that one.

Pump up the Volume

I have flat hair, and I hate it. It is all good right after I get a haircut and Alan makes it look all fancy and fabulous. But then it starts to grow out and BLAH. Flat city, sister!

It is unfortunate timing that I was not able to get a hair appointment before my Christmas party. Ack! My outfit is so cute, that I just can't handle having bad hair to go with it. So this is my solution:

















BUMBLE AND BUMBLE HAIR POWDER!!!!

Yeah. This stuff runs about $50 a bottle, but word on the street is that is works magic. Magic, I say! It will give me the ooomph my hair needs, plus it has colour in it, so you won't see my awful roots as much. I am kind of excited about it. Hooray for science!

Rumble in the Bronx

The number one (#1) thing you need to know about me if you cross my path on a semi-regular basis is that it really does not take much to piss me off. Kind of have a short fuse. I think that becomes pretty obvious after hanging out with me for about an hour, when I get irrationally angry at a bird or a mailbox and proceed to talk about it non-stop for the next 45 mins. I know this about myself. Most have come to accept it as an endearing personality quirk.

But others just don't get it.

Case in point: today I got kind of furious at a co-worker. Said individual has known me for about a year, so even if I hadn't ever gotten directly angry at them, they surely must have heard the rumours by now. So you would think they would know better than to imply that I am a liar. Oh yes, it happened. And this is the part where I go on a rampage, albeit a quiet-ish one. A serious rumble was about to go down. I was seriously ready to get all Jackie Chan vs. the Hovercraft on this person.

But I didn't. I calmed down and dealt with the situation the way any mature adult would. I proved I was right and will now giggle with glee knowing that I won. Hooray for maturity!

Hey Christmas, are you feeling okay?

I am concerned about Christmas. I think it has the flu.

BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS RAN AROUND AND THREW UP ALL OVER THE CITY.


















I can't even flee to the mountains. Nowhere is safe.













Ewwwww. It even threw up on the hospital. But I guess they are used to that sort of thing.

Welcome back, Kotter.

I came back to to work today after a lovely 4 day weekend. To be perfectly honest with you, I wasn't totally happy about the situation. I became less happy about it when I opened the door to my office and to my horror, saw this hanging from my desk in a festive manner:






















Yes. That is tinsel garland. With stars in it. Mine is silver and red. It is shiny. It wreaks of Christmas cheer and I hate it.

I prefer my decor to remain neutral throughout the holiday season, because non-denominational is the new... denominational. Haven't you heard?

This year, the only exception to this rule will be the Hanukkah lights, should I actually get them. (I really hope I do. They are awesome.)

HOWEVER, I am choosing to be a team player and will leave the tinsel on my desk. This is actually more of a selfish move because it gives me a reason to be grumpy, and I loves me some grumpiness. Especially at this time of year. Hmmmpf.

PS: If you are a shopping mall and happen to be reading this, I just want you to know how much you totally suck right now. I mean it, man. You are a total jerk for telling everyone to come visit you when you know you do not have enough parking to accommodate everyone. Perhaps you should peruse THIS to prevent this situation from occurring in the future.

Hooray for the Big Brother!

My brother is 6 years older than I am, and I used to think that perhaps that was one of the big reasons for the weird relationship we have. When I was little, he was always really good about having to tow me around everywhere and was always making sure I stayed out of trouble. (Not like I could ever find it! I was a delightful child. Ask anyone.) But somewhere along the line, things changed.

When my brother became a teenager the entire dynamic in our household changed. He was impossible to deal with and was always in trouble for something. For a very long time all we ever did was fight with each other. It didn't get much better after he moved out. For a long time I didn't even speak to him or see him, because I couldn't handle being around him. I was so utterly disappointed with the way he chose to live and his behavior.

From the age of about 10 or 11, I had to be the big sister to my sister AND my brother. I was the first one to do everything, because my brother had messed everything up. I was the first one to go to college, the first one to buy a car, the first one to start a career. I didn't mind being the responsible, grown up one... I just kind of feel like he got ripped off.

But today, something brilliant happened. He finally beat me to the punch on something. My big brother, whom I thought would never get his head on straight, got engaged! I can't even tell you how happy I am for them. I'm proud of you, brother. Now I will finally get to follow your lead for once.

PS: Picking out engagement rings really is as fun as it sounds, ladies! Even if it is not for you. Apparently I have excellent taste in bling, so if you should ever need advice I am available for consultations.

PPS: I really want a diamond. Really, really bad. It would be pretty okay if there were a man that came with the deal too. I'm just putting it out there, people.

Me = Friggin' amazing.

So I think I want to take back what I said about the boyfriend thing. Why? BECAUSE I THREW OUT THE MOUSE ALL BY MYSELF. That's right, kids. I handled that ALL BY MYSELF.

I am terribly impressed with myself for doing so, and I think you should be proud of me too, damnit! It was pretty funny when I told the landlords about the situation and they both said "I'm so proud of you!"

I'm proud of me too. Woot.

Why not having a boyfriend is LAME: Reason #347.

So every now and again I like to go out for a few beers after work on Fridays. It is just plain good times. When I made it home all by myself on the bus this evening (without falling!) I considered it to be kind of a personal victory. Especially since I made a huge fuss about how I didn't need to take a cab and refused to take donations for cab fare. (In hindsight, it is never dumb to take a cab. Ever.)

However, all my feelings about being proudly independent rapidly vanished upon arrival at home when I opened the bathroom door to find yet another (yes, ANOTHER) dead mouse on the bathmat. I am kind of spazzing out right now. It is a very surreal moment for me. I am sitting on the sofa, watching the music video for Glass Tiger's "Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone" and thinking about the dead fucking mouse in my bathroom. Just think about it for a moment. I have been drinking since about 5 in the afternoon. I kind of need to use said bathroom. My bladder is not bionic. But I can't. Because there is a dead mouse in there. I am too drunk to drive anywhere else, otherwise I'd be halfway to my parents' house in Surrey right now. There is no way around it. I am going to have to deal with this mouse bullshit. ALONE. I have nowhere else to go.

EFF.

An open letter to boys:

Dear Boys,

I am kind of totally annoyed with you for not asking me out on dates. I blame you for this mouse situation, because had you asked me on dates I might have a boyfriend right now and HE could be dealing with this frigging mouse situation. So yeah. You suck. But still consider dating me. I am super fun.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: I hate you, cat who brought the mouse in through the open window. I hate you SO HARD.

PPS: Frig, man.

Too Much Booty in da pants, DANCE!

This morning I got really excited when I heard "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" by Scissor Sisters on the radio. ON THE RADIO!!!! It was way cool. ANYWAYS, ever since I heard that this morning I could not stop thinking about how much I love dancing. I totally feel like dancing RIGHT NOW. I totally am, actually. Chair dancing.

SO ANYWAYS... the urge to dance caused me to think about this great television moment, which I would like to share with you. At the time of airing, this was some pretty sweet friggin' choreography. I hope you love it.





NOTE: I'll have you know that I can TOTALLY rock this dance right now. It would blow your mind. Just give me a day to memorize the moves.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

It has officially started. It is officially crap. I officially hate it.

IT IS THE TIME WHEN THEY START PLAYING SHITTY CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE RADIO ALL THE TIME.

I hate Christmas music, man. It is so lame. It is always about how people loooooooove people and how everyone is happy and how it is totally not even the most stressful time of year at all. So basically, it is all lies. Except for the Hanukkah song. That one is awesome.

I only like the Christmas songs that tell the truth. So for your viewing/listening pleasure, I give you an honest Christmas song, which exposes the plight of the sweatshop labourers (elves) that work so hard to make your Christmas gifts. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM, JERKS.

Fun with the internet!

So, I was messing about on the interweb of lies when I found THIS page. It takes your name or any word you tell it to and puts it into a movie quote. Just look at what it came up with for me:


First rule of Sarah Club is - you do not talk about Sarah Club.


That's right, jerks. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT SARAH CLUB. You can, however, talk about this blog and how awesome it is.

What to do on a freezing cold Tuesday.

So it was my first vacation day in YEARS yesterday, and I sure as hell wasn't about to waste it on account of the freezing temperatures. So what did I do? I ATE ME SOME DAMN BARBECUE!

Memphis Blues, how have I gone this long without you? So delicious. I ate enough meat to fill my quota for the rest of the month, and I loved every minute of it. SO GOOD. I don't want to eat anything but barbecue for the rest of my life. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I'm so totally going back there a million times over.

The other reason it was such a pleasant experience is because the most lovely looking man came in to eat. He was positively gorgeous. He wore glasses. You all know I'm a sucker for a hot man in glasses. *swoon* Now if only I could learn how to talk to them, we'd be set.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

The Good:

I have the day off tomorrow! Woot! I haven't missed a single day of work in about 2 years, so this is a very novel concept for me. Whatever will I do with my time? If I had gone grocery shopping YESTERDAY, the answer to that would be "sitting around in sweatpants eating soup and drinking hot chocolate." But alas, I have neither soup nor hot chocolate. That is weak.

Also good: how pretty it looks when you look out the window, the yummy thai peanut curry I just made and the fact that I totally just watched the movie "Mannequin" and now that awesome Starship song is playing in the credits.

The Bad:

It is approx. -150 degrees in my house right now. Fucking basements. I have the flippin space heater on, but it is not strong enough for the job.

Also bad: I cut my finger today, ending my 1 day injury free streak. And to think, I was doing so well!

The Ugly:

The ice rink that once was the street I live on. I think this will likely prevent me from doing much on my day off, on account of the SHITTY DRIVING CONDITIONS. Wah.

I am also slightly annoyed about the fact that I put together a killer outfit for my office Christmas party, yet it will be wasted, as I have no date. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?????? Frig.

I blame the inner ear problems I had as a child...

Yo! What's the haps? is pleased to present a story of an incredible Saturday night, told in two parts. Enjoy!

PART I: "How did I not know about this? It is the most amazing thing ever!"

SO... Amanda and I decided to head over to Granville Island Brewery to indulge in a taster round. It was totally awesome, because I discovered that they make CHOCOLATE BEER. YES, M-effers. I said CHOCOLATE BEER. It is delicious. You should probably try it. Yummmmmm.

PART II: "What the hell, man? How did I end up on the sidewalk?"

I still don't understand the answer to this, but whatevs, man. Whatevs. So here's the story. Upon leaving Sammy J's with Amanda and Platypus, I fell victim to a rogue tree branch in the middle of the sidewalk. I know what you are thinking. What the hell was a tree branch doing in the middle of the sidewalk on Granville Island? I DON'T KNOW. There aren't even any friggin' trees around there, yo! What the frig? So yeah. I was in mid sentence of what I'm sure was some hilarious anecdote when BOOM! suddenly I'm on the ground in some lame-o 1990's looking jazz dance pose. The hilarious part is that I didn't stop talking. It went like this: "Blah, blah, blah...*falling down occurs here* Holy crap, yo. I totally just fell down!" I sat there for a second, trying to assess the situation before I got up and walked away. I am still friggin' confused about how it happened. I think it is because a) I habitually drag my feet when I wear my snow boots and b) I had inner ear problems as a child.

So the moral of the story is, that sometimes you drink delicious Granville Island Lions Winter Ale and fall down afterwards, despite the fact that you are totally not even drunk like you were that one time when you screamed like an ambulance in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

What? You didn't do that? Me neither. I was just making that up... you know, to illustrate a point and whatnot. GOODNIGHT.

HA!

Okay, Pandora. You are officially forgiven, despite the fact that you still refuse to play "Shaking the Tree". How did you redeem yourself?

You played THIS on my Bruce Springsteen station:




Now THAT is funny. I think even the Boss himself would appreciate that kind of humour.

Target-Schmarget.

So I totally love Target. Everyone knows this. I was just there last weekend and bought some good stuff. It was awesome. But now I am mad at Target. So very, very mad. Why? Because of these:






















They are only the COOLEST lights I have EVER seen! I want them so bad. It will make my Christmukkah celebration complete! (Hey, I celebrated Christmukkah WAY before the OC was on, so don't even go there, jerks.) ANYWAYS, I totally want them. However, they are not sold in the stores so I was all prepared to order them online when... GASP!!! To my horror, I discovered that they do not ship to Canada!

This is an injustice. I'm never going to find these anywhere else! Crud. SO MUCH FOR THE GOOD TIMES I WOULD HAVE HAD WITH MY NEW HANUKKAH LIGHTS. Target sucks so hard right now. So hard.

I'm sorry I missed you, Bobby.

Last night I got to watch the premiere screening of Bobby. I was pretty excited about it, mostly because of the Emilio Estevez factor. Whenever I think of Emilio, I immediately think of The Mighty Ducks. I can't help it. That's just the kind of thing that sticks with you, you know? So ANYWAYS, I was very excited about the movie. It turns out that I had good reason to be so excited. It was really great. I mean it... really, really great.

The thing about this movie that really blew my mind is that despite being set in 1968, he managed to create a reflection of today's political landscape, and that really freaked me out. To think that it is 2006, and we are basically in the exact same situation as we were back then is kind of terrifying to me. Watching the archival footage of Bobby Kennedy's speeches got me very emotional... I almost cried, because the whole time I was thinking, "Holy shit, we need this guy right now." We really do. I mean, there was a scene where he was talking to school children about pollution and how we have to start protecting the environment. THIS WAS IN 1968. 1968!!!!! I was amazed to see that this guy had such foresight... how different would things have turned out if he had become president? It truly amazed me.

We need a new Bobby Kennedy. I hope we find one. (ARE YOU LISTENING, BARACK OBAMA?? If you are, I totally love you in the high school crush kind of way.)

So yeah. Go see this movie. If it almost made me cry, you know it's good. (NOTE: I don't think I have cried since the late 90's, due to being "dead inside".)

PS: It should also be noted that in the car on the way home I suddenly shrieked when I realised something: "OH MY GOD! JOSHUA JACKSON WAS TOTALLY IN THE MIGHTY DUCKS WITH EMILIO ESTEVEZ!!! THAT IS TOTALLY WHY HE WAS IN THIS MOVIE!!! AMAZING."

Huzzah! It's FINALLY HERE!!!!

So I have many more important things to talk about, but I think this really deserves a post all to itself. I have been waiting for AGES (read - a couple of weeks) for someone to post this video on YouTube and it finally came! It is a prime example of how song choice in movies and television is so friggin' important. If they had chosen any other song, this would not have been as awesomely hilarious. Enjoy.



TUNA, ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? So great. I am so happy that I work in an office where people sing ALL THE TIME. It is seriously fantastic. People seem to enjoy my versions of "Love on the Rocks" and "Father Figure".

Uncle Jesse, where are you???

There are some things that seriously only ever happen on tv. These are things like how whenever Zack Morris gets crazy news it is right after he has gulped a mouthful of soda, so he ends up spitting it out all over the table. Or like how some cute dude spills coffee on a chick and they end up getting married. Or like how when you are walking to work down Cambie street and you totally get splashed by a fricking dump truck, resulting in soaking wet pants.

YEAH, THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED TO ME THIS MORNING.

It was like it happened in slow motion... I saw the truck coming fast... I saw the puddle... I ran backwards... I threw myself against a fence to try to get as far away as possible... it hit the puddle... but I never had a chance! SPLOOOOOOSH! Water flew 10 feet in the air! I was hit by a wave of muddy water and before I knew it, I was standing there with soaked pants and my best angry face. It was not a pleasant walk to work. It was cold. So I bought myself a coffee to make up for it.

Luckily, the ladies I work with are totally awesome and gave me a heater to put under my desk to dry my pants. Good times. Why does this rediculous stuff always happen to me? Grrrrr.

SO, HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN SO FAR????

Remember the good times we used to have?

Dear Pandora,

Remember when Dave first showed you to me and I thought you were super awesome because I made a radio station based around the song "Apache" by the Sugarhill Gang and it was effing amazing???? Yeah. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

Today I suddenly wanted to listen to the fantastic Peter Gabriel song "Shaking the Tree". So I made a station for it. I listened all day. You did not play "Shaking the Tree". In fact, none of the songs you played even sounded like "Shaking the Tree". I am very upset about this. Now I will have to go home and illegally download it from the internet and I am super pissed about it because it will probably take 12 years due to the shitty internet connection.

So really, I just have one question for you, Pandora. I think you really need to sit down and think about this long and hard before you come back with a stupid-assed technical nerd answer.

What the hell does WHAM! have to do with Peter Gabriel?

I love WHAM! (and who doesn't? That shit is fun.) but I do not want to hear it when I am trying to listen to SHAKING THE TREE. So until you can play me some Shaking the Tree, you can frig off, Pandora. Frig right the heck off.

Yours truly,

Sarah

AHHH-CHOO!

So for the past week I have totally been a Sneezy Sneezerson and I can't figure out why. At first I blamed it on the dang cats, but then I was sneezing like crazy at work and we totally don't have any cats at work. So that is probably not the reason. Then I thought that maybe I am actually getting sick... but it hasn't really progressed beyond all the sneezing. So basically, I am very confused as to why I am sneezing so dang much.

This morning I developed a new theory, though. I think that maybe I am allergic to myself. It makes perfect sense! Everywhere I go I am sneezing... and I am everywhere I go! It is the only possible explanation. (Besides maybe DUST which I am also allergic to... and then again maybe I am actually fighting off a cold.) But really... WHO KNOWS???? Not me.

I seriously feel like ass. I want to sleep more. It would be 100% wicked awesome if I were at home in bed right now. But I am not... because there is work to be done. Which I must go and continue to do. I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE A BREAK EVERY NOW AND THEN. So you can just relax there, Judgy Judgerson.

The word of the day!

I thought it was about time for me to try something new, so I decided to make a new feature for today. It is the word of the day! Learning is fun, so I'm pretty sure you are going to like this.

Today's word is: TURBIDITY.

Definition:

turbidity - the reason we are all being forced to take it up the ass and PAY FOR OUR FREAKING DRINKING WATER.

Alternate definition:

turbidity - total bullcrap!!!!!!!!

And that concludes today's lesson. Tell your friends! Share the knowledge!

Dude, I totally missed you...

... I really fucking missed you. You won't understand why for about another week. So, my muffins, what did you do last night? I fucking rocked... and fucking rolled... like this:

Eine Maus in meinem Haus!

Ja!

So last night I was woken up by a little rustling noise. My first thought was, "It's a fucking mouse. A FUCKING MOUSE. IN MY ROOM." So I jolted up, turned on the light and searched for evidence. There was totally nothing there, so I tried to go back to sleep. But then I heard it again. This happened 3 times, but I couldn't find anything. I was totally freaked out because mice are gross, so I couldn't sleep very well.

I did manage to get back to sleep for but a short time before being woken up again, this time by Lydia freaking out because the mouse was under her bed, for reals! I don't blame the girl for freaking... that shit is disturbing.

Apparently, there was only one mouse and it is now dead, thanks to the cat and is now awaiting burial at the hands of the landlord because you know neither of us are going anywhere NEAR that business.

This happens pretty much once a year, usually in the winter. It is downright terrifying and every time it happens I think that I need to move to a mouse free zone. If only mouse free zones were cheaper... *sigh*

PS: Prior to the mouse incident (which I think was expertly handled by miss Erin) we had a lovely time doing the main street tea crawl with Brie! You should probably visit that link so that you can read her post all about it and see the photographic evidence, as I am much too tired to post it myself at the moment. This is what happens when you have a mouse and you have to get up early. But anyways, go there!

I hate you and I'm sorry.

Last night Craig, Mary and I were having a conversation about something and I suddenly realised how often I say the word hate. Craig never ever says it... yet it is my standard reply to people when they make me mad. In fact, I just said it 3 times to someone at work in about 2 minutes. I remember when I was little, everytime I said it my dad would say, "Now Sarah, hate is a really strong word..." and then I would usually reply with "Good, cause I meant it!" It's kind of like it has lost all meaning to me. How odd.

Then we started talking about when our parents would make us apologize to our siblings after we fought. Whilst Craig probably gave polite, sincere apologies to his sister, the best mine ever got out of me was "I'm sorry. I'M SORRY YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!" Indeed, I was a lovely child.

So basically, I guess the point is that if I have told you that I hate you I probably didn't mean it. But I probably won't ever apologize for it either. But don't worry, buttercup. We are still friends. I love you guys!

Go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Last night I popped in for a coffee at Bean Around the World on Main and I really didn't think anything weird was going to happen, except for the case of the "caffeine crazies" that was likely to develop after my first sip of Americano deliciousness. But I was wrong.

On the way out the door to the patio, Jess was stopped by this dude with crazy hair who was wearing some sort of hippie getup and holding a guitar. They appeared to know each other, so I didn't think it was weird when we sat down with him. He started chatting away about his guitar playing progress and was really enthusiastic about the whole thing, which I thought was nice.

Then he turned the focus of the conversation to me.

"What do you do Sarah? Do you work? What do you do? I'd like to know."

I gave him a sort of vague answer without telling him what I really do or where I really work.

"Ummm... kind of like... advertising and stuff, but not really."

"Oh my god, that's so great! But you know what? I really hate advertising, I think it's total bullshit...."

And so began the rant about media ownership and how advertising is ruining the universe and how we need to start a grassroots movement about somethingorother and BLAH BLAH BLAH. It went on for about 10 minutes. I did not say a single word. He just talked and talked and talked while I sat there, baffled and kind of amazed. I still have no idea what he was saying to me.

Oh yeah, did I mention that after about the 2 minute mark Jess left the table and left me there alone to fend for myself. SO THANKS FOR THAT.

ANYWAYS, when he finally stopped talking we finally made it outside to the patio where we got about 10 mins free from this crazy man. Just when I thought he was gone, he walked over to us and said excitedly, "Oh! There was one more thing I wanted to tell you. I'll make it quick."

He turned around to face the street and yelled, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He started giggling and said "I love doing that. People really freak out when I do that. But it is important that we remind them."

Mmmmmkay. You just do that then, CRAZY.

So the moral of the story is, if you want to drink your coffee in peace, avoid the hippy guitar player who looks like Art Garfunkel with dark hair. You might just save 20 mins of your time that you could have used to ponder the significance of pocket lint. Just trust me on that.

SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!!!!!

Yesterday was a most fantastic Tuesday. I can tell you why by using very few words:

GUITAR HERO II.

Eff yeah!

The playlist is so wicked awesome. I rocked out. Hard. So hard. And you can too... if you come to my house and play it... or you buy it yourself. Either way, you won't be sorry.




Ummm... yeah. I am totally not that good yet. But I have heart, and everyone knows that the most intense rocking comes from the heart. (And also from rocketsauce, which I totally have to the extreme for reals.) Eff yeah.

Super crazy party fun time!

As a 25 year old single gal, people seem to think that I go home every night and party it up, sorority-style. I don't know why they think this, but they do. Yesterday I sought to prove them right. That's right. I decided to party on a Monday. So I did. With these guys:















YEAH! FUCKING AQUAFIT!!!!!

It was seriously awesome. Jess and I were the youngest ones there, so compared to the 60 year old ladies I kind of felt like maybe I looked okay in a swimsuit. Here is a list of reasons why aquafit is so goddamn awesome:

1. You can make new friends who can probably teach you how to knit or cook a turkey.
2. There is an awesome soundtrack comprised of 90's dance hits (I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!) and Barry White.
3. Your workout comes complete with super gay aerobics instructor who cannot stop smiling and is so enthusiastic that he jumps in the pool with his shoes on.
4. It is actually kind of an intense workout.
5. When you make jokes the old people think you are hilarious.
6. You get an extra workout for your abs due to all the laughing you will do.

So basically what I am saying is that there really is no downside to this aquafit business. SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO IT. You won't be sorry. Until next time...

I'll see you bitches at the Y!

Short is the new long.

Today I thought I would expand my horizons by shrinking my hemlines. I wore a short skirt to work. Eep! It's cool though, because I am on board with this whole skirt with leggings business. I must say, I am totally glad that this is en vogue at the moment because you can wear a short skirt without worrying about your butt showing because you are technically wearing pants. It is actually quite a brilliant scheme. Plus, the leggings are black so they make my legs look nicer than they actually are. Woot!

The downside to all of this is that people keep looking at me strangely. I can't figure out if the looks mean a) "That looks cute, high five!" b) "You look like a damn fool." c) "That is hardly work appropriate... take it to the mall, kid!" or if they are just in shock about seeing me in a skirt at all, much less a short one. Who knows.

ANYWAYS, I totally decided to buy Guitar Hero II tomorrow instead of trying to get Guitar Hero I for cheap. Why? BECAUSE II IS GOING TO ROCK SO MUCH HARDER. It costs $90 (EEP!) which is quite a hefty investment considering that I will have to give up the PS2 when Dave comes back home in 6 months. BUT I DON'T CARE. This thing is going to provide me with hours of entertainment and will likely do the same for Dave when he comes back home. I seriously can't wait to rock out to Strutter and Carry On My Wayward Son. EFF YEAH!

Now, there is one last matter to be discussed. I have been waiting all week for someone to post a video from last week's episode of the Office because it was so goddamn hilarious. This is not the clip I was looking for, but it is equally fantastic. Ohhhhhhh, Jim.





But seriously, this episode made me love Andy even more. How can you not love him? The dude keeps a bottle of Jagermeister in his desk. I wish he sat in front of me at work.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains...

Well friends, it is a Friday and you know what that means... I battled the SHITSTORM. So, I thought I would share with you one of my coping strategies for those rough days.

I do this a lot.





No, seriously. A lot.

How to win your office costume contest.

Listen up, kids. I'm going to tell you how to win "best costume" without even really trying. It doesn't even matter that we didn't actually HAVE a costume contest at work, but it was pretty much unanimous that I totally won. Here is the magic formula:

Dress up like someone you work with. It seriously kills EVERY TIME. Today, I dressed up like my esteemed collegue Platypus. People were seriously freaking out over it. What did I do? I wore my normal clothes and put on a toque. He wears a toque because he hates his haircut at the moment. It really could not have been more simple.

The results? I am now a legend in Halloween costuming in this office. It is seriously hilarious. Though I am getting quite tired of people calling me by his name instead of my own. If they keep doing it tomorrow I am going to be seriously pissed.

ANYWAYS, the point is that if you pick someone in the office that has a certain "look" about them and has a fairly good sense of humour, it will go over like gangbusters. Woot.

You know you are in the right line of work when...

... at your Monday morning meeting everyone else's answer to "How was your weekend?" starts off with "Dude, I was sooooo hungover..."

I'm glad I wasn't the only one.

I am so sorry, liver. I really appreciate the work you do.

Wow. Just... Wow.

I love this. So much that I can't even really talk about it. Just... watch. And appreciate.





Ohhhhhhhhhh, work. I love you.

Love is real... real is love...

And I assure you, my new found love is 100% for real. Want to see?



















One day, my love. One day we will be together.

It should be noted that when I first saw these boots I actually gasped. They literally took my breath away. Just like when I saw Pierce Brosnan in his casual wear. *swoon*

Who's the boss?

NOT ME!!!!! (Except of dinner. I am totally the boss of my dinner. I always make the decisions in that department.)

Today it was brought to my attention that I am A TOTAL LOSER because I am the boss of nobody, nor will I ever get to be in the near future. It sucks. I want to be the boss of people. I'm a bully, so it's only natural.

I am the boss of this blog... which sounds really cool and important but I am the only one posting on here, so it doesn't really count. I am the boss of my bank account, which I suppose is good practice for the day that I am the ACTUAL boss of something and I need to "crunch the numbers" and budget things.

I am suddenly terrified of going through my entire working life and never being the boss of anything or anybody. Now I am going to have nightmares about it until I figure out a plan for being upwardly mobile... which will probably be NEVER because I am lazy. That's a catch-44 for SURE!

Fuck, I'm neurotic. You think this is funny, but I will seriously continue to freak out about this for the next 4-6 years. I was fine about not being the boss yesterday... but now one of my friends is the boss of SO MANY PEOPLE and now I feel inadequate. And so begins the panic.

I am totally starting a band and calling it PANIC! At the Workplace. Can you think of anything that rhymes with "Tony Micelli"? *sigh*

This one is for all the lovers out there...

Yesterday when I got on the bus to go home, I saw something so bizarre that I almost couldn't believe it.

Through the window of the Dairy Queen I saw a couple sitting in the back corner booth. They were sharing a banana split. I bet you know how I felt about that. If you said "Awwwww that is soooooooooo adorable!" THEN YOU HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES. Quite frankly, I found the whole scene appalling. Sharing ice cream... WHATEVER! If I'm going to Dairy Queen, you're damn right I'm getting my OWN ice cream. Pffffft.

But seriously... why is it that people who are in looooooooooooove have to friggin SHOW it all the time? I don't need to see that, man. Keep it to yourself. I mean, I really love yams but you don't hear me talking about it all the time, do you? I don't carry yams around in my purse so that I can caress them in public spaces, do I? NO. BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD. SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT WITH PEOPLE EITHER.

I think I have found a solution that will allow lovers and haters to each live in peace... send the lovers to Virginia. Apparently, Virginia is just for them. I saw it on a t-shirt. That way, the rest of us who are not in love will be free to have swinging good times without ever having to be reminded of our un-coupledness. WOOT.

Mmmmmmmmmm.

I love candy. So hard. It always makes me happy and it tastes like magic. Alas, I rarely ever have any on hand. So you can imagine my joy when I went looking for some and Platypus supplied me with strawberry licorice AND strawberry-ice cream flavoured Chupa Chups! Total score. Thanks, frend. I needed that. Yummmmmm. Candy.

Help me help you.

Dear Gamblers Anonymous,

I know you have problems with the gambling and I understand that it is very hard to deal with. That is why I am offering my services as a councellor. You talk, I listen. I am a very good listener, you know. I will gladly listen to you talk about your feelings regarding the gambling. Perhaps it might help you to get into specifics, like how one might best go about betting on NFL football. It's all in the details you know. Just get it all out there. I'm here for you man. I'm here for you.

So yeah, any time you are ready to talk about things... like say... how you used to go about making football picks and how that made you feel, you just let me know.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: This has nothing to do with the fact that I keep losing the football pool. Not at all. I just want to help... as totally un-selfish people are wont to do.

20 Years Ago Today

It was totally 1986. I was at my grandma's house rocking out to Duran Duran, cause I was a fucking cool 5 year old. My mom was in the hospital. Why?

BECAUSE SHE WAS HAVING A BABY!!!!!!

That's right, kids. My baby sister turns 20 today. Oh, they grow up so fast...

Happy Birthday, sister! You're not so bad after all. But just think how you would have turned out if I wasn't around. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN!

HEY, WHAT IS UP?

I'll TELL you what is up. I AM. It is 11:00. In the PM. I should be in bed by now. But I am not. Here is why.

I put a load of laundry in when I got home at 9. When the machine turned off and I went to switch it over to the dryer it was dripping wet and covered in fucking soap. So I had to start the load over again. Time passed. The machine seemed to be taking a really long time, so I went to check it. It was halfway through the cycle. More time passed. I went back up to check it again. It was still halfway through the cycle. IT GOT STUCK. So I tried to unstick it. It seemed kind of okay. Now I am still waiting. I am PISSED OFF. I still have to put that shit in the dryer. I WILL BE UP UNTIL FUCKING MIDNIGHT AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE THE FUCKING WASHER IS FUCKING BROKEN.

And if I knock on the door and tell my landlords they will shoot me in the face because they are in bed and the baby is sleeping and it is past 11, so technically I am breaking the laundry rules. FUCK THE LAUNDRY RULES. IT IS YOUR STUPID FAULT FOR HAVING A BROKEN FRIGGING APPLIANCE.

I hate my life right now. I am so tired I want to cry.

Weeds. Awesome. Watch it.

So I am watching Weeds right now and just heard the best line EVER:

U-Turn: "Yo, this here is Teenia. She's studyin that cosmenology."
Teenia: "It's COS-MET-OLOGY."
U-Turn: "Girl, I'll throw this beer on you! Say somethin' else!"


And then, of course, there is Snoop Dogg rappin' about the MILF Weed. Check it, yo.




I love it when white people dance to the hip-hop music.

Hold onto your hats, ladies!

You might be wondering why I am instructing the ladies to hold onto their hats. (Actually, gents should do the same.) It is because I'm 'bout to blow your friggin' mind. Seriously. This brand new story I have is so crazy that you might possibly just fall over because you will not believe it. So get ready...

Guess where I went yesterday? (HINT: It was NOT the zoo.)

Ready?

I went to....

THE GYM.

I KNOW! HOLY CRAP, RIGHT? That's what I said after minute 10 of the elliptical workout when I was pretty sure I was going to pass out. But I did not. It was crazy. I kind of enjoyed it.

If I start going there kind of regularly, will you still love me? (I'll just tell you right now that you will probably love me even more because I will still be cute and funny but I will also have a SPECTACULAR looking ass. Oh, come ON! Don't act like you've never checked it out.)

The No Fun Club.

This morning when I was making my tea I managed to cut myself and I started bleeding. It was no fun. No fun at all. So I put on a Pirate band-aid. But it didn't really fit right because it was not the long kind... it was more like those square kind. Those do not work well on fingers. It was annoying.

But do you know what was even more annoying?

When I cut myself AGAIN on the same finger and started bleeding AGAIN. That was even more not fun. The pirate band-aid just doesn't work for this kind of injury. I might need to make a special trip to purchase more novelty band-aids in the long shapes. *sigh*

Other things about today that are not fun:

• being exposed to some unknown virusy business by two people who were throwing up last night but came to work anyways. I COULD BE INCUBATING IT NOW. THANKS A LOT. (BTW... I hope you feel better, Platypus. Just know that if I catch your disease that I will be in the mood for revenge after I am well again.)
• I am super tired due to being disturbed in my sleep by phantom callers. (See below.)
• I heard that goddamn Titanic song today on the radio. It was like I was trapped in a prison (not unlike Guantanamo because that is a super bad prison to be in.) except that this prison was worse than that because it was in HELL. ACTUAL HELL. It was that awful for me.
• I have to clean my room when I get home because I made a total mess in there. I hate cleaning. Cleaning is no fun. Cleaning is for babies. (NOTE: If babies were actually in charge of cleaning things then I would totally want one. But since they do pretty much the opposite of cleaning, I do not want one. Like, EVER.)

The End.

Have you no decency????

Those who know me well know that I loves me some sleepin'. It is quite possibly my favourite thing in the world. I really do love it. So when you wake me from my golden slumber then I kind of want to shoot you in the face.

This morning my phone rang at 5am. 5:00! AM! It was a withheld number. I did not answer it because IT WAS 5 FUCKING AM and I really could not have formed complete sentences at the time. But here's the kicker: if you are calling me at 5am, I would assume that whatever you need to talk to me about it sort of important... BUT IT WAS NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LEAVE A MESSAGE.

Stupid jerks.

The moral of the story? Don't wake me up unless it is for something reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good like "Hey, you totally just won a million dollars" or "Hey, George Clooney is here and we wants to marry you." or "Hey, it snowed 4 feet and so you don't have to go to work... you can totally sleep in." Those would all be acceptable. But I would probably still be a little grumpy. Grrrr.

No lonely hearts allowed!

I was walking home today and I heard the most hilarious thing. There was this Dad and a kid getting out of a car. They had the following conversation:

Kid: "MOVE YOURSELF!"
Dad: "Come on now. Stop it. Don't sing YES songs. You know better. It's embarassing."
Kid: "Okayyyyyyyyy..."

Heh. I was just impressed that a 9 year old kid knows YES.




MOVE YOURSELF!

This is why I hate things that are "fun for the whole family"...

Did you go to the PNE this past summer? I did. That was fricken' ages ago. ANYWAYS, it was at the PNE in which I observed something so traumatizing that it still bothers me to this day.

It was called "Rollin' Thunder" and it is the reason that I have to deal with this song being stuck in my head every day...




THANKS A LOT, COWPOKES.

It is kind of fun to sing along to though.

"I wouldn't have called him that if I had known..."

So I'm sitting in my office when this dude walks in and starts telling a story. It went something like this:

"So I was talking to (insert random name here) and he's all, "Nice shirt, man. What colour is that, mauve?" So I looked at him and said "What are you talking about? Mauve? It's purple, you fag! What the hell is wrong with you? MAUVE???? Jesus.""

Obviously, said individual is not an avid watcher of The Office. If there is anything that show has taught us this season it is not to throw terms like "fag" or "faggy" around the office all willy-nilly.

But it is still kind of funny... probably because of its inappropriateness.

Final score:

Hilarious macho jokes: 1 Political Correctness: 0 (or -25, depending on how you look at it.)

Oh, internet! You are just too awesome sometimes.

SO... the network drives went to shit this afternoon, which left me with a bit of free time on my hands and some internet access!

This is what I found.

I kind of love it. Enjoy, friends.

Thanks, Dad.

Despite not having watched a single football game this season (neither NFL nor CFL...) I have managed to show some serious talent for making picks in the weekly pool. I am seriously on FIRE! It is fantastic. I haven't won yet, but I don't even really care. I'm just excited to have KICKED ASS and beat out certain boys who maybe doubted my mad skillz initially. It is really quite satisfying.

Now if only y'all would stop hassling me about teaching you the secrets of my complex selection system... unless you plan to buy me some fairly awesome presents, you ain't getting the info. So think about that.

Props go out to my dad, for forcing me to watch football every Sunday and Monday night for the first 15 years of my life. Looks like I learned something after all.

Go ahead, be gone with it.

FYI... I'm totally bringing sexy back. If you choose to dispute this claim, you just let me know and a "dance break" will be arranged. This should be sufficient proof of my ability to indeed bring back the aforementioned "sexy". I'll show you!

ANYWAYS... if you have not been to visit Body Worlds 3 (now on at le World du Science) you are a goddamn FOOL. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I kind of imagined that it was like I had a remote that could just pause people... and then I could dissect them and use them for science. (WHAT? SCIENCE EFFING KILLS IT. IT WOULD BE TOTALLY WORTH IT.)

Seriously though. So effing COOL. It is like heaven for science nerds (such as myself). The most amazing part for me was the fetuses. (Fetusi? WTF is the plural of fetus?) It showed the various stages of development while the baby is in utero... and I was astounded. By the time a woman is a mere 8 weeks pregnant, the embryo has developed individual hands, fingers and eyes! At 14 weeks there is a visible spinal column! I can't even tell you how amazing it is to look at. Looking at it got me so excited about all my little babies that will soon be arriving. At each stage they showed I kept thinking "That is what Steph's baby looks like RIGHT NOW!" "Holy crap! There is a baby that same size inside Jackie's tummy!" "Doreen's baby is that big already?" Let me tell you, Auntie Sarah can't WAIT!!!!

I am officially starting the baby countdown RIGHT NOW. My aunt Doreen is due in January... and I am so excited because I get to see her in two weeks! You have no idea how awesome that is. I haven't seen her since we found out she was pregnant! So cute. Miss Stephanie is due in December and I can't wait to spoil the crap out of that baby girl. And then there is Miss Jackie, whom I didn't get to see when the Sawchuk's made their way out here in September... but that baby is going to have the coolest parents in the world and I can't wait to meet lil' baby Tank. (we just took to referring to the baby as Tank... don't ask!) Auntie Sarah is ready and waiting with fantastic presents and (when you are old enough) the good candy.

PS: The other awesome part about Body Worlds is that you get to look at a healthy liver and a liver that has sclerosis. Then as soon as we left we got fuckin' DRUNK. Oh, irony... how I love you so. Hooray for Fridays!

PPS: Dave, what an awesome way to party it up before you go. I will miss you SO HARDCORE. I promise to take good care of the PS2 and I will think of you whenever I watch me some Sealab. Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, homes!

Heeere's Johnny!

Holy crap. Why do I do this to myself?

On the advice of Rob, I came home and had myself a Guinness. I cooked myself some dinner. I was all alone. I still am. So what do I decide to do? Watch The Shining.

EFF.

This movie freaks me out, man. Even if it is only 7:30 at night.

I'm scared, Tony. Remember what Mr. Halloran said. It's just like pictures in a book, Sarah. It isn't real.

Holy crap.

The small things

Yesterday Amanda and I went for a walk up Main Street after work. We stopped in at Lazy Susan's and I found something so awesome that I had that "Oh my god I NEED this." feeling. So I got it and was overjoyed at my new purchase. What was it? This:













Yarrrrrr. Those be pirate bandaids, matey. And as if the awesomeness of skull bandaids was not enough, it also came with a treasure inside. This was the point where I got REALLY excited. This was my treasure:



















Holy crap! A pirate duck! It is much smaller than this, of course. It can fit on the top of a pen and is awesome. I am now the proud owner of the most hardcore, badass duck ever. I love it. I am so happy.

I guess the small things in life really are the FREAKING COOLEST. Yarrrrrrrrrrr.

Sarah's Comedy Jam

The funniest jokes always just pop up in casual conversation. It is almost like if you want to be funny, you can't think about it too much. No pre-planning. It is without further delay that I share with you some hilarious moments that you can share with your friends. (But if you do not give credit accordingly, I will put a hex on you and your family. Just something to think about.)

MOMENT #1:

This happened at Bingo with Dave and Craig. Some jerkface called a bingo before we had a chance to win. Then the following took place:

BINGO CALLER: "Last call for bingo. Once, twice..."

ME: "Three tiiiiiiimes a ladayyyyy..."

This is where Dave and Craig laughed their butts off. I always kill at bingo. (My B-12 joke always goes over well too. That is when they call B-12 and I say "That's totally my favourite vitamin!" The bingo crowd loves it. They also enjoy it when the call O-69 and we all gasp and say "Oh my!" or "Now that's just inappropriate..." )

MOMENT #2:

This took place this morning via emails (some paraphrasing):

ME: Other Dave wants to hang out on Friday before he leaves.

AMANDA: Friday sounds good, should we do something Vancouvery with him before he goes?

(Work) DAVE: Let's get him hooked on Crystal Meth!

AMANDA: Or designer handbags.

Come on. You know that is funny.

MOMENT #3:

This took place at the pub yesterday:

Basically this just involved Dave and I telling everyone (including the big boss) that "Jager is like Christmas in your belly". It really is though. Apparently the origins of this phrase can be traced back as far as Dave's first Christmas in Vancouver, when Platypus said it to him.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, comedy.

Hello Goodbye

Today was the super-awesomest. You know you are in a good spot career-wise when you can down a shot of Jagermeister in front of your boss's boss and not think anything of it. GOOD TIMES. It is also super fun when the company is all, "Here kids. You just drink some beer and we will totally pay for it." Woot! That is what I am talking about.

ALSO... Dave and I went to the Reef for dinner and it was THE YUMS. So effing delicious. Plantain chips and jerk chicken... mmmmmmmmmmmmm. I gave him tips about all of my favourite places to visit in Australia and it looks like he will end up going to some of the same places. This is super awesome, because I want to see if they have changed in 4 years. Plus, it will make me happy to think about being there again. However, this does have a downside... which is that Dave will be gone for 7 months and I will miss him ever so dearly. There are not many kids around here that like to eat ribs while listening to Marvin Gaye and watching cartoons.

Now it is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold in here and I am going to go to bed. Brrrrrr.