Old is the new new.

At Christmas dinner with my Dad's family when I was 16, my grandpa stood up to give a toast/blessing before we ate, which was weird because none of us bitches ever went to church. But I digress. ANYWAYS... so he started talking and whatever he was saying sounded like gibberish. Seriously not real words. Everyone was looking around at each other with confused expressions on their faces.

After dinner, I was talking to my Dad and I said, "Seriously, how drunk was he? All those nonsense words!" to which my Dad replied, "It was Gaelic, you idiot."

Apparently my Dad was the only one who knew that my grandpa knew a little bit of Gaelic. Weird, huh?

So ANYWAYS... yesterday I was listening to the Super Furry Animals who are cute and Welsh.(this song in particular) Suddenly I was struck by an interesting thought:

Really old languages from the UK region of the world are totally awesome!

I am totally going to try to learn how to speak Welsh, even though it is totally impractical because I don't know anyone else who speaks it. It's so going to happen.

Way to go, Poindexter!

So this morning when I woke up, I apparently moved my shoulder in a way that is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN by shoulders. All I remember is that one moment everything was cool, and then next? There was this weird sensation which was immediately followed by quite a lot of pain. WHAT THE FRIG, MAN???

I seriously wasn't even doing anything. Now it hurts. Sort of a dull pain... and it's really lame. I suppose my evening has now been planned out for me rather nicely, though. Me, on the couch alternating heat and cold. Woot!

Good advice, from someone who knows.

I simply could not leave without sharing this with you today. I feel that all human beings should watch this video, and take heed. If you go against this advice, you just might find yourself in an impossible situation! PAY ATTENTION!



For the record, I was up on this song AGES ago... but I just now discovered that there is a video! I think it does a good job of showing the potential dangers of robot trusting.

Blah.

I am not feeling all the great at the moment. I'm sooooooooooo tired. So very, very tired. And my tummy is not feeling awesome either. I kind of just want to go home, crawl into bed and sleep away the yuckiness.

But I will not.

Instead, I will run. Then I will sleep BETTER than a baby. That actually brings me to a question:

Why do people say "sleep like a baby"? Babies are like, the worst sleepers EVER. They only sleep for a bit at a time and then wake up screaming. How is that a good thing? I don't want to sleep like that. I want a good solid 8 hour run at it, minimum! I don't get it.

Can I go nowhere with you?

Joel Plaskett is lovely. Truly delightful. Want proof? (Ignore the little Trailer Park Boys clip at the beginning... the good stuff comes after.)



I love him. I love his sweater vests and his dorky little haircut. The music isn't bad either!

YES!!!!!!!!

Okay, seriously. How friggin great was the finale of The Office? Pretty friggin great, I say. Seriously awesome.

The only crappy part about it is that I have to wait until September to see what happens next. Gah!

If you leave me now, you'll take away the very heart of me...

I know I've posted this video before, but this time it has some emotional significance. Before it was just because I thought it was funny... but this time I am using it to express some real, raw, heartfelt emotions. So here we go.

This song is dedicated to the toenail on the second toe of my right foot, which I'm pretty sure is about to fall off.



Consider this a plea to salvage what is left of our relationship, toenail. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Even if it means putting on a band aid and wearing closed shoes on a warm day. (Which I totally did this morning.) I'm just not ready to say goodbye to you yet.

Wooooooo-OOOOOOOO-oooooo, baby please don't go...

Oooooooooh, darlin'... I've just got to have you by my side on my foot...

The Stawamus Chief - aka the Assmaster 3000

So I totally hiked up the Chief in Squamish on Saturday and have been paying for it dearly ever since. It feels like my legs are on fire. Walking down the stairs has been a harsh task indeed. Kind of brutal.

I hobbled around work yesterday like a 100 year old lady, making lots of grimacy faces and saying things like "oooh!", "Ahh!", "arrrgh!" and variations on painful grunting noises. This whole thing has made me realize two things:

1) I am friggin OUT OF SHAPE, despite my best attempts at running on a regular basis.

2) I will not attempt to climb a mountain again without first consulting a little program I like to call, "Buns of Steel". Cause I'm pretty sure you need those in order to successfully climb a granite monolith and not feel like your legs are going to give out on you at any moment.

I have also come to another conclusion... those Von Trapp kids must have been friggin RIPPED muscle-wise. They hiked through the Alps! And they were only kids!

Munce. Tice. Fee Times a Mady.

Every once in awhile, I arrive home on Friday night slightly inebriated and ready to watch some damn hilarious television. Usually it's just the same crap, but every once in awhile you find a real gem. Tonight is one of those nights.

I came home, made some toast and sat down to watch some tv... and I found this:



Dude. Purple leather suits are so fucking underrated.

Eddie Murphy Raw. Fucking RAW!!!!!

Oh god. Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny? Delirious and Raw are friggin amazing. And the SNL stuff he did was awesome. James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub? Buh-weet sings?



Wookin' Pa Nub. Shoot, that shit was hilarious!

Seriously though. What happened, yo? How did he get from comic genius to Norbit? NORBIT?????????

It will never be the same again. But I wish he was still funny.

Frig.

Today the most amazing thing happened at work! We got free ice cream! From Haagen Dazs!

And I didn't eat any.

Then I came home and DIDN'T go for a run.

Apparently, today was the day where I made all the wrong choices. Grrrrr.

A woman of many talents... yep, that's me!

Today my sister and I were talking about doing sweet impressions of people. Her boyfriend Myles is super good at doing impressions of the old perverted dude from Family Guy, among others. This lead me to talk about Little Dave and his awesome John Travolta impression. "Ohmigod, I'm John Travolta!" Big Dave does a wicked awesome Phil Ken Sebben impression. My dad likes to imitate Bob Dylan... which is guaranteed to make my sister and I fall down laughing. This leaves me. There is only one that I am any good at. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one impression I can pull off without a hitch:




I do love the nightlife. I could use a little ak-shon. God, this is embarassing. Why do I tell you these things?

It's Bernielicious...

I can't believe I friggin' forgot to tell you about this RIGHT AWAY. But I remembered now, which is the important part.

On Saturday, I had the good fortune to take part in a work of culinary brilliance. Friends, meet THE LAVA BURGER:

















Sweet mother of god, look at that thing. That is what the air tastes like in heaven.


The lavaburger is the creation of the great and powerful Bernie. It has cheese and butter in the middle of it. Yes. Cheese AND butter. That is what makes it lava-like. The cheese melts into this gooey deliciousness and totally explodes when you bite into it. But you don't even care if it hits you in the eye, because it is DELICIOUS. It has three different kinds of cheese melted on top of it. Yes. THREE KINDS OF CHEESE. Then there were about 75 million different things you could put on your burger, because Bernie likes to make condiments. Yes. He makes his own mustard and whatnot. The whole scene was just this insane cornucopia of delicious amazingness... I'm tearing up a little just thinking about it.

Thinking about it is also causing me to have some minor heart palpitations due to the fact that it was cholesterol city up in that bitch, but that's okay. It was totally worth it. THANKS, BERNIE!!!

Born free...of pants.

Lydia left for a month in Europe yesterday, which leaves me all by myself with two cats that kind of frighten me a little. I think this is going to be interesting, to say the least!

I've always lived with other people, so I'm taking this month as an opportunity to do some things I've never been able to do... so far I have come up with the following:

1) hang out in my underwear for extended periods of time
2) pee with the bathroom door open
3) do laundry with reckless abandon

That's all I've managed to think of. I'm open to suggestions, so if you have any ideas, let me know!

I already wandered around in my underwear when I got home last night. It was a little strange. I'm going to make myself get used to it, though. (Don't worry, Lyds. Once you get back, I will start wearing pants again, I promise.)

So, if you should happen to feel like popping by over the course of the next month, maybe you should call first. I'll only need about 3 mins notice to run and put some pants on.

The sick day.

I took my very first sick day at my job today. I've been there for a year and a half. I went to work with bronchitis a few times because I am stupid. But not this time. This time, I stayed in bed. I'll be damned if if I let myself get the Black Lung again.

It was a weird day. Kind of like a snow day, except in no way was it fun or awesome. I stayed in bed until about noon or something. Then I got up and spent a very long time curled up in a little ball in the corner of the sofa. I watched Oprah, 90210, and Full House. Oprah taught me that I don't need to be fat, 90210 taught me that drinking and driving is a bad scene (SHAME ON YOU, BRANDON WALSH!), and Full House taught me that when puppies are born it is a gosh darn miracle! You could say that today has been quite educational.

I am finally starting to feel better. I think that once I hit the Nyquil again tonight, I will sleep awesomely and tomorrow I will be a stronger, better Sarah. YES!

I'm off to take a bath and eat something before I Nyquil it up. So in honour of my very first sick day, I leave you with this:



What? Kris Kross? Why?

Because my first attempt at putting on my pj pants this morning went horribly awry, and they were totally backwards. It reminded me of the good ol' days, when I did that shit on purpose.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

People at work are so terrified of me right now because I am incubating a disease. I am a germ factory and they are scared of said germs. I kind of like it. Mostly because they are telling me not to come to work tomorrow. I'm sort of okay with that idea. But, knowing myself all too well, I will totally end up coming to work tomorrow even if I am totally worse. I don't know why I do it, I just do. It's like this wierdo work ethic thing I inherited from my mother.

Don't ask, it can't be explained.

I've got a fever, and the only prescription is...

...bed rest, plenty of fluids and perhaps some fever reducing medication.

I'm totally sick, yo. It's not too awesome. I felt like crap this morning, so the fact that I even bothered to put makeup on is amazing. BUT TOTALLY WASN'T WORTH THE TIME. Why? Because 30 seconds after arriving at work, some dude I work with looks at me and says, "Are you okay? Wow, you look awful." THANKS FOR THAT. I suppose it's only appropriate to look bloody awful when you feel bloody awful.

Amanda is now feeling sick, and totally blames me for it. This is what I have to say about THAT: I didn't HAVE to come with you yesterday and perform odd jobs and manual labour around your house, did I? No. I did it because I am totally awesome. So you just think about that, missy! But it is always nice to have someone to blame for making you sick. I blame Ben, since he was totally sick on Friday, and I was totally sick the next day. You will be receiving your karmic punishment soon. It may or may not be in the form of a roundhouse kick to the face delivered by one Mr. Chuck Norris. I'm just saying, you might want to pay attention to your surroundings. He wears action jeans and is very swift.

It's time to go home and sit under blankets! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally using my superior debating skills...

with myself. I am currently in bed, debating the merits of actually getting out of said bed this morning and possibly doing stuff. There is much to be said about doing stuff... most of the time doing stuff is pretty fun times. But then again, sometimes doing nothing is totally just as good as doing stuff. It's kind of a Catch-22.

Whatever will I do? Stuff, or no stuff, that is the question.

The suburbs really DO ruin lives.

I was supposed to see Hot Fuzz tonight, but I didn't because everyone in my damn family thinks it is awesome to live in SURREY/LANGLEY. It takes a really long time to get home from there, in case you didn't know.

Then, just for fun they closed down a main friggin' road due to a "police incident" (in Surrey? Say what???) therefore causing me to take a 20 min detour to get to where I needed to go. That shit made me late for the movie. Now all of my friends can have sweet conversations about how awesome the movie was and I will just sit there and cry because I won't be able to understand the jokes!!!!! DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!

My life is ruined! Cat Stevens feels my pain, because he is singing to me right now about how friggin' LAME it is to be all alone at home on a Saturday night. He is 100% correct. It is seriously fucking lame. GAH!

Get what you want, when you want it!

Honestly, if I knew how to do that, do you think I would be writing this blog for free? Come on, now! Let's be reasonable. I'm just testing out a new marketing scheme. Here is my theory: Cosmo is a way popular magazine. Pretty much all of their articles have titles like:

Get what you want, when you want it!

Or sometimes it is things like...

How to seduce a man and get him to marry you in 3 minutes!

My point is, that people really seem to want to read things with such awesome promises in the titles. I would be crazy not to jump on that! (That's what she said.)

I'll let you know how this pans out. If it is like anything else in my life, it will be wildly unsuccessful and you will all get a kick out of the hilarious situations I will find myself in as a result. Looking forward to the good times ahead!

Peace out, my little rockers who like to rock out way hard to the extreme for real! (Or is that just me?)

I've been reasonably arrested, and thrown in jail.

It is days like today that make me love YouTube like the dickens. You are searching for "The Police" because you really want to watch a video for Can't Stand Losing You, but then you find this instead... and you come out of the situation being a better person, really.





That Jasper kid is lucky to have such cool parents. I wish my dad had exposed me to more NWA... but nooooooooo. All I got was "You call it rap music, I call it CRAP music!" followed by a good solid 5 minutes of my dad laughing at himself.

These are arduous times, indeed.

I am back at work today. I must say, I am having quite a time of it. My brain is having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that my real actual life does not follow this particular schedule:

- wake up whenever I feel emotionally and physically ready to do so
- eat a giant breakfast that nearly always includes pancakes and rarely includes nutritional value
- wear some short shorts
- drink some booze
- wander around all day with no concrete plans
- drink booze out of giant novelty cups
- basically just do whatever I want, whenever I want, wearing whatever I want.

Nooooooooo. I have to get up TO AN ALARM. And eat cereal. And not drink booze until after work. And wear pants.

Man, this SUCKS!

I'm back, baby. *sigh*

If you have ever thought to yourself, "Hey, maybe I should go to Vegas..." FRIGGIN' DO IT.

I love you, Vegas. I'll be back. I miss you already, friend.

Silent but deadly.

Okay, I should have been done packing by now, but I am not. I should be asleep right now, but I am not. Why? Because there is a little problem that I am unable to solve and it is terribly distracting.

My whole house smells like a skunk. Actual skunk. It's revolting.

At around 9:30pm I went outside to do something and I totally smelled a skunk. I was grossed out so I came back inside right away. About 15 mins later I swore I could smell it in the house. It just began to permiate. It has seeped in through every available nook and cranny and is lingering in the air. It makes me want to throw up.

I have hypothesized that some a-hole from my neighborhood must have murdered a skunk without really thinking about the consequences. If the whole block smells like this, just imagine how bad that dude must smell right now! Gnarly. I hope all my stuff doesn't smell like skunk tomorrow. I am a girl. I'm supposed to smell pretty so that I might attract potential suitors. THIS IS TOTALLY THROWING A WRENCH IN ALL OF MY PLANS. Damnit.

As it turns out, your grandparents weren't lying to you after all...

They really DID invent rock n' roll.





Finally, proof that I am not the only kid with a swearing grandma who really rocks out.

This is why they invented text messaging.

To: Sarah
From: Lydia

Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella when he got to Vancouver?


To: Lydia
From: Sarah

I don't know, but I'm already laughing my face off.


To: Sarah
From: Lydia

Fo' drizzle.


To: Lydia
From: Sarah

NICE!

One bruised toe and one inflated ego.

Today was the SUN RUN!!!!!! I actually ran in it!

I trained for a few months (off and on) to *try* and prepare myself to run 10k in the company of 55,000 other people. I was feeling pretty uneasy about the situation because I never managed to run more than 5k without walking. Things did not look good.

Then I started running. And I just kept going. It was flippin' amazing. I RAN THE ENTIRE WAY. I BLEW MY OWN MIND A LITTLE.

Amanda deserves mad props for reminding me to slow the frig down when I got a little too excited. I totally wouldn't have made it the whole way if I had kept up my show-off pace!

Carbo-Goo deserves mad props for containing enough sugar to keep an entire school full of 3rd graders on a sugar high for 3 hours at a time. Seriously. That stuff is magical. At about the 8k mark I felt like I was going to die. So I took a hit of my delicious carbo-goo and took off like a friggin' ROCKET. I'm thinking I should start using it recreationally.

The "shuffle" setting on my mp3 player deserves mad props for picking such awesome songs for me to run to. I only used it for the last 5k, but it gave me such a boost. Seriously. The song I finished the race to was Pink Floyd's "Run Like Hell". HOW COULD I NOT RUN LIKE HELL WITH THAT SONG PLAYING???? So I totally did. I ran like the wind. It was awesome. People were like, "Whoa, that girl is running like hell." (Well, not really... but I honestly was running like hell!)

And lastly, I deserve mad props because I totally did all the work. That's right, ME. If it weren't for me, this whole thing wouldn't have been possible. Yay me!

And now I am about ready to fall over. I'm so tired that I am actually watching Saturday Night Fever sitting down. I've never done that before. I always do the routines along with Travolta! Especially the solo that is on right now. It's killing me. Damn you, Travolta! Damn you and your sweet, sweet moves!

It only hurts when I try to think about numbers and words.

I think I broke my brain. I'm having immense amounts of trouble trying to form complete sentences when I'm talking to people. It's not cool.

This is what happens when you give a girl a week's worth of work to do in 7 hours.

It just ain't cool, man. Ouch.

Now we're talkin'.

Last night, I had a dream. I HAD A DREAM!!!!

This is big news, because that means I had some REM sleep for the first time in a week! It was only a little bit, as I still woke up several times during the night, but damnit it was good.

At this moment, I'm not sure if there is anything better than a good night of sleep. I can't wait to sleep again tonight! It is going to be awesome. To the extreme for real!

You might be wondering what finally did the trick... the answer is... gin and tonic! But don't worry. As of tonight, we go back to carbs before bed and melatonin. I promise I'll be good. Plus, I'm in full on Sun Run mode now, so no more getting drunk until after the race! I've got to be in top form, you know.

To be perfectly honest with you, I hadn't thought of that...

Amanda and I took a walk at lunch and I was telling her a story about Easter, when she helped me to have a moment of clarity.

ME: "So I let my sister give me a makeover mostly because I was too goddamn tired to argue with her about it. Do you know what that means? I had to sit there for half an hour while she put makeup on me and lectured me on the merits of mascara and how 'a little cleavage never hurt anybody'. I mean SERIOUSLY. Like I need another person hassling me about how I don't have a boyfriend and telling me how to get one. I know that I don't know how to find one! BLAHHHHHHH." *makes extremely unattractive face with tongue sticking out*

Amanda: "Well, for starters you could stop making that face in public."

*pause*

ME: "Point taken."

No sleep til Brooklyn.

SO WHY THE FRIG DOES BROOKLYN HAVE TO BE SO FAR AWAY????

So, the count is up to 5 days with practically no sleep. I'm seriously losing my damn mind. I need sleep. What can I do? I think I'm at the breaking point.

The breaking point is defined as the point at which I am so tired that standing up seems like a chore, I have lost all reason and good sense, and I run the risk of spontaneously bursting into tears. All of these things suck. Standing up really needn't be so difficult. Pretty much anyone could take advantage of me right now, as I have no reason and good sense. If I did cry and word got out, it would seriously damage my reputation as a sassy girl with no feelings! Plus, it would just be me, crying alone in my house which is really lame. What's the point of tears if you don't get anything out of it? (ie: hugs from boys, sympathy)

Ugh. Just let me sleep, PLEASE!

Dream on, dreamer.

It's a good thing I saw Grindhouse today, because I am turning into a zombie. Now I am familiar with how one should best go about eating someones face. Good to know.

But seriously, folks. I can't sleep. Since Wednesday night, I have not had a decent night of sleep. It basically feels like I lie in bed for hours at a time with my eyes closed, yet am otherwise fully conscious. I hear everything, I just can't open my eyes to see it. I'm starting to get worried that if I don't get some sleep soon, I might just pass out randomly in some sort of apparent narcoleptic fit. I have visions of myself at work, halfway through a meeting when in mid-sentence I just sort of just... fall over and go to sleep. HOW HUMILIATING WOULD THAT BE??

I bet they would send me to the hospital if that happened. Then I'd be all stuck in the hospital and no one would visit me. That would kind of suck. But at least I would not be tired anymore.

I really can't understand what is giving me this crazy case of the insomnias. People keep asking me if there is something bothering me... or something I'm thinking about. I have no friggin' clue. I'm not even capable of thinking right now, so basically there is no way to know... until I get some sleep. *sigh*

Here I go... giving it the ol' college try. Please just let me sleep!

It's just like in those Pepsi commercials...

... you know, the ones where they ask the grown ups what they could bring back from the old days? Then they proceed to still be their 40 year old selves, whilst acting like they are 19 and look totally ridiculous?

Yes. It was pretty much exactly like that... except instead of bringing back the 90210-esque haircut with the giant waterfall bangs, I shotgunned a beer.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, peer pressure. How I've missed you.

Ring the alarm!

So last night at about 9:45pm, I decided that I was done with trying to watch whatever lame crap was on tv and that I was going to go to bed. But first, I would try on random outfits as I so often do.

So it's just after 10:00pm, and I'm in my room, wearing a dress and shaking my booty to the Idlewild soundtrack. (Morris Brown, specifically.) Upstairs, I hear a commotion. The smoke alarm goes off, followed by very loud booming footsteps running towards the back of the house. The smoke alarm beeping gets louder. I open the door and stick my head out in the hallway. OUR smoke alarm is going off now. I run down the hallway, flipping on the light. Nothing is awry in the kitchen... so why the hell is the smoke alarm going off? Is the house on fire? Should I go outside? Shit, I'm wearing a dress! I can smell burning. I run back into my room, throw on some sweatpants and a hoodie and wander out into the backyard.

I'm thinking, "Shoot! What if there is a fire? Can I go back in and grab my valuables? (laptop, wallet, shoes, and my Justin Timberlake CD) I can't see any smoke... the landlords aren't out on the lawn and I hear no sirens, so I figure we're okay. Just then, I hear the landlord coming out the back door.

He leans over the balcony and yells out, "Sorry! We left a pot on the stove. It's okay! It should stop in a minute." I reply with, "That's okay. I'll go back in when the beeping stops. It's really loud in there!"

He goes back inside and I stand there for another minute, feeling terribly grown-up and mature because I managed to not say anything about the fact that he was wearing a sweatshirt, work boots and underwear.

A gourmet dinner... consisting of my words with ketchup on the side.

Okay. So remember when I said the only time I wish I had a boyfriend was when I had to a) put something together, b) buy something big like a tv, or c) have a lot of groceries? I would like to add one more thing to that list.

d) when I go for a really long run and I hurt my back so I don't really feel like cooking myself some damn dinner.

I'm inclined to think that if I had one of those boyfriend-types hanging around that I might just be able to guilt trip them into giving me a piggyback ride home and getting me some damn dinner.

That's how it works, right? You just call them on the phone, sound as pitiful as possible and then they come and bring you things?

Shoot. That sounds kind of nice.

So... any takers?

Half Nelson? I'll take the whole damn thing!

Dear sweet lord, thank you for Ryan Gosling.

Not to take away from the boy's obviously BRILLIANT acting talents (as evidenced in Half Nelson, The Believer and United States of Leland) but I mean seriously...





















Talks about politics even when inebriated, has super hot facial hair, dresses kind of like a grandpa... BASICALLY PERFECT.

I mean, shoot. You put a dude like that in a movie and expect me to be able to follow the plot points?

So intensely attractive.

PS: Oh yeah, the movie was actually quite brilliant. I highly recommend it. Even if he was ugly it would have been excellent. Watch it!

PPS: Rachel McAdams is a whore.

PPPS: I'm sorry. She probably isn't really a whore. But the bitch is lucky.

Ohhhhhhhhh, kids.

I miss my kids. Well, they are not my kids per se... they are technically other people's kids that I have developed an emotional attachment to.

Steph sent me new pics of miss Ella today. She is so FRIGGIN' CUTE! I haven't seen her in awhile and seeing the pictures made me miss her a lot. I bet I could totally make her laugh now.


















Ummmm... CUTE MUCH????

I just saw this commercial on tv that showed a little boy crying. Suddenly I missed my nephew Gavin SO MUCH. He is about to turn 4 at the end of the month and is the most hilarious kid I've ever met. I love how he hassles my brother and laughs at all my jokes. I love how he thinks everything he says is the funniest thing EVER. I hope I get to see him soon. I miss my little buddy.

I also miss my actual baby. My dog DeeDee! I miss cuddling with her and watching her try to eat peanut butter. So funny.

Don't worry little ones. Auntie Sarah will come visit soon. And she's bringing gum!

One way or another, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna getcha-getcha-getcha!

I am a girl on a mission. And I need your help on this one, ladies.

I was out shopping with the sister on Saturday and we stopped in at Roots, which is where I saw this:

It is the coolest fanny pack EVER MADE. Just imagine... I could be walking down the street in Vegas, carrying all my crap with me BUT NOT CARRYING A STUPID PURSE! It's amazing. I need it. I want it.

The problem is, Roots knows just how friggin cool this thing really is, so they priced it at $88.00.

I really don't want to spend $88.00 on a fanny pack. Mostly because if people found out that I spent $88.00 on a fanny pack, they would totally judge me... and we don't want that now, do we?

No. We don't. So, my mission is to find a similar version that is not leather and is therefore cheaper. I have no idea where I'm going to find such an awesome bag. Which is why I need your help. If you can think of anywhere that I might find a fanny pack that does NOT look like the one my dad wore circa 1992, please share this information with me. I will be forever grateful.

Please, people. Help me give my poor shoulders a much deserved break from carrying all my crap.

The sun'll come out tomorrow.

After the endless days of rain, the sun is finally back! This is very exciting news. But honestly, I don't think the rain is all that bad. When you live here for a while, you just kind of come to terms with it. It makes you all the more appreciative when the sunny days actually do come around.

The rain this weekend actually made me think of an amazingly awesome song that I had completely forgotten about. I never would have remembered it if it hadn't have been for the rain. Enjoy it, and put it away for the next rainy day. (Which I heard won't be this week!)





I love Supertramp like Brangelina loves foreign kids. They are THAT good.

Always read the fine print.

I went to the movies on Saturday to see Reign Over Me... but it was totally sold out! So then we decided to watch Zodiac instead, because it only started about 15 mins after. I was totally down with seeing Zodiac, cause I thought it looked pretty okay.

The movie started at 10:05. So I'm sitting there, watching the movie and really enjoying it... but then I started to think, "Wow, I feel like I've been sitting here for a really long time." The movie didn't seem to be wrapping up any time soon. Finally, at 12:50am it ended.

I seriously had NO IDEA that it was 3 hours long. Hence why you should always read the fine print.

A conversation with my favourite person...

This took place this afternoon.

"I've been looking at this bloody thing all damn day and I think I've finally figured it out. I think this makes sense... doesn't it? Yeah, dude. It totally does. Let's effing DO this shit!"

*pause*

"Why am I talking to myself? Because there is no one else here, that's why."

And I didn't even have coffee today. Weird.

DENIED!

This morning I heard something mentioned on the radio about Chicago coming HERE! Immediately I started thinking about how friggin AWESOME it would be to go and see Chicago. I was already imagining myself sitting in the seats, singing along. When I saw Rob this morning, we chatted about it:

Me: "I was looking for you! Guess what? CHICAGO IS COMING HERE!"

Rob: "I didn't know you were a fan of musicals."

Me: "What? Musicals?"

Rob: "Yeah... Chicago... the musical..."

Me: "Oh SHIT! I thought they meant the band!"

Rob: "Well, I haven't heard anything about Peter Cetera re-joining the band..."

Me: "Well, frig. That sucks. I was so excited! Stupid Chicago the musical."

Then Rob told me the story (for the 17th time) about how his girlfriend broke up with him and 2 days later, "If You Leave Me Now" hit it big. It was a rough time for him. I think he cried every time they played it.

Man. What a let down! I was dreaming of seeing this:

But instead, I get this:

Oh well. I guess I will just have to go have all my fun in VEGAS instead. Take THAT, Cetera!

5 things that you should know about me.

I feel as though this is a pro topic to go with whenever you can't think of anything else to write about. I'm pretty sure I'm right.

1. I am completely neurotic. I hate walking over bridges, am terrified of birds, cats make me nervous and I wander around all day secretly worrying that everyone thinks I'm stupid. (I have yet to prove them wrong on that last one, if it is indeed the case.)

2. Between the ages of 7 - 18, I flat out refused to wear skirts or dresses. The cycle was finally broken when my friends asked me if I was going to wear a suit to grad and I yelled out, "NO! I AM NOT A BOY!" My response was to go with an elaborate hairdo, a low cut dress and a feather boa. I probably just should have stuck with a suit.

3. Even now, whenever I wear a skirt or dress to work, people ask me if it is laundry day.

4. When I was 5 I spent most of my time watching music videos on Muchmusic instead of cartoons. Hence my weird love of Steve Winwood, Erasure and reruns of the Monkees.

5. There is currently an entire garbage bag full of shoes in my house that I am giving away. I haven't worn any of them in years, but it feels like I am giving away part of my soul. I think I love shoes too much.

And that's just the beginning...

weeeee-ooooh. WEEEEE-OOOOOH!

I just want to go on record as saying that I am not really all that appreciative of that new Gwen Stefani song. It seeps into my head and I don't like it! Plus, Akon is super annoying to the extreme for reals. But that was totally not what I wanted to write about at all.

I wanted to write an open letter. So here it goes:

An Open Letter to the A-hole Who Honked the Car Horn at 4:30am

Dear A-hole who honked the car horn at 4:30am,

Ummm... JERK. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt the first time. For all I know, you just flew in from Newfoundland and you forgot to change your watch back to BC time which wasn't helped by the fact that the clock in your rental car was TOTALLY BROKEN. But then you honked again. And again. And again. And one more time for good luck.

I have a strong suspicion that you did NOT just fly in from Newfoundland. Rather, it seems that you were raised in Inconsideratejerkfaceville, USA. Had my body not been in a coma like state, I would have been able to crawl over, open the window, stick my head out and scream, "I'M SLEEPING, YOU FUCKER!!!!!" like I really wanted to. I guess that last honk really DID bring you good luck.

However, please take note that the honking did NOT work... and you still had to get your stupid lazy ass out of the car anyways. I hope you scuffed your shoes doing so, asshole.

And no. I did NOT get back to sleep, because I couldn't stop thinking about how I wanted to kick you. IN THE FACE.

Sincerely,

Sarah

I've missed you, old love of mine...

My dear old friend came back to me today. Friend, I've missed you so! I never really realized how much I loved you until you were gone. But now that we are back together once again, I hope we will never be apart.

Full cable, I love you.

It is because of you that I am once again able to watch the TV edits of my favourite films for the 1000th time. Today it was Goodfellas. Who knows what tomorrow holds for us! (Besides TV Guide...) Maybe tomorrow it will be my most favourite of all TV edits...



I can't wait.

J'taime, full cable. J'taime.

Looking out for number one!

There is this great quote from Lauren on the Hills this season when her and the ladies are talking about dating.

"The only time I miss having a boyfriend is when I have to put something together, when I have to pick something like a TV out, or when I have a lot of groceries. Missing the boyfriend."

I think this is the most hilarious and profound thing EVER. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a very single girl... who spends most of her time hanging out with her very married and encoupled friends. It never really bothers me... until of course someone looks over at your side of the table whilst holding hands or cuddling and says, "We need to find you a boyfriend."

In that very moment, I go from thinking about which pair of shoes is truly my favourite to thinking about everything in my life that could possibly be functioning as man-repellant. I then proceed to think about this for hours upon hours... never really seeming to find an answer. After about hour 5, I get really mad at myself for putting so much thought into it.

Eventually, I end up convincing myself that I will find myself at 42, still single and never having a meaningful relationship. It's kind of a terrifing thought. But then I think, why would that really be all that bad??? I could probably get a lot accomplished if I never get married and have kids. Like writing a hilarious screenplay adapted from the hilarious novel that I wrote at the tender age of 31. Or you know... buying a condo or whatever.

But for the moment, I'm inclined to agree with Lauren. Those really are the only times I ever feel like I'm missing out. And don't worry. I've been lifting weights to help me get this grocery situation under control.

This is what happens when you get TOO good at your job...

You finish all your work at 1:30pm and then you have NOTHING TO DO until 4:30pm when you are actually allowed to leave. So how do you fill your time? Here's how:

1) You devise a system which allows you to take files over to different parts of the building in 10 minute intervals... but that only kills 20 mins.

2) You make up a fake reason to go visit Dave.

3) You hang out with Dave and watch him work for a while... but that only kills 15 mins.

4) You star in a series of short films written by you and directed by Dave.

5) You come back upstairs.

6) You sit at your desk and think about what you've done.

7) You plan escape routes out of the building in case of fire, flood, or earthquake.

8) You start researching for your plan to zombie-proof your office.

9) You blog about all the crap you have done to kill the last 2 hours.

But that only takes 10 mins.

Only an hour to go... what to do, what to do...

If I lived in Kits and it was an island in Survivor I would so be voted off for this.

When I woke up this morning I was super excited for a change. No, it was not because the sun was shining (cause it wasn't) and it was not because I was going to do something really cool at work (cause I'm not). It was because this morning was to be the first time I got to use my BRAND NEW DEODORANT!

Normally this is not an exciting occasion for me. I always get some fruity smelling one filled with aluminumy-goodness (no hippie deodorant for this girl). Sometimes it's peach, sometimes pear. It's really no big deal.

Until yesterday. I purchased some Secret Platinum that smells like Vanilla Chai. VANILLA CHAI! It smells seriously wonderful. I am having to hold myself back from smelling my armpits because I'm at work and that would be weird. I also really want other people to smell them, but that would be weirder.

It's still early... perhaps someone will be standing beside me and notice that I smell like a delicious tea drink, then proceed to compliment me on it. Then I can be the classy lady I was raised to be and politely reply, "Why thank you! It's my armpits. New deodorant."

Right now my mom is thinking, "If I only had a nickel for every time Sarah asked someone to smell her armpits... I could retire and buy a small raft."

No problem, Mommy. I'm glad to help.

The waiting is the hardest part.

I am so tired. I want to go to bed, but I can't because I am waiting for my laundry to finish drying. It takes FOREVER. It is also made worse by the fact that in order to fetch said laundry I must venture out into the cold dark night and up a shady staircase.

When we move, we are so getting insuite laundry. Or at least some that does not require going outside in sub-zero weather. Because really, who needs that??

On a side note, I am watching Medium and I can't stop thinking about how friggin attractive the Detective guy is. Seriously so hot.























Sooooo hot. Want to touch the heiny. (Hey, don't look at me. Adam Sandler said it!)


Equally attractive is the husband type.

Dang.

I guess my point is, that even if this show totally sucked (which it doesn't...) I would watch is anyways. Just for the hotness factor. As should you.

Spy aides for amateur stalkers.

Otherwise known as... Facebook!

I signed up for Facebook yesterday and it kind of blew my mind a little. I got an account, set everything up and about an hour later I was in contact with people that I haven't seen in YEARS. It's kind of creepy... yet kind of awesome.

I would never go to any great lengths to track someone from high school down. That would be weird. But if you find them on facebook, it's suddenly not so wierd. They want to talk to you about old times. They want you to find them.

If nothing else, it's a handy tool for determining exactly how elaborate your back story will have to be at your 10 year high school reunion. I mean, I was planning on going with your standard "own a condo, work in media, own a YARIS, I know local celebrities and I saw Pierce Brosnan outside the art gallery... twice." But if all of my classmates are extremely successful, I might have to make my lies slightly bigger and more impressive. Like, say... "own a castle, work in movies, bought a hybrid Hummer, know many international celebrities and made out with Pierce Brosnan outside the art gallery... twice."

Just like the boy scouts always say, Be Prepared. They say that shit for a reason.

War. HUH! What is it good for?

KILLING ANTS, THAT'S WHAT!

We have ants in our house and I am fed up. This morning I openly declared war on these little buggers. On my lunch break I wandered over to Canadian Tire to fetch some ant killing spray. I stood in the aisle for ages, staring at all the RAID. Every single can I picked up was all, "Hey, I'm totally poisonous, so keep pets out of the room for 1 hour after you use this shit."

I was suddenly involved in this super-intense internal struggle. Do I kill the ants for reals even if I could possibly poison Lydia's cats? Hmmm... I really do hate cats... and they will probably be okay... and I do REALLY hate ants... but what if it DOES poison the cats? Hmmm... I really am not a huge fan of the cats anyways... but the poisoning of said cats is probably the kind of thing that someone would hold against you for a really long time, even if it IS accidental... OH FINE, I WON'T GET THE POISON!

Rather annoyed, I decided that surely Capers would have something I could use... or at least a good suggestion. So I dragged my ass all the way up there in the crazy winds. Again, I stood in the cleaning aisle, searching for something... anything that would kill the ants! No luck. So then I asked a guy that works there about it. Here is what was said:

ME: "Do you guys have anything that might deter ants? Well, maybe not just deter, but actually KILL them? I want to kill some ants."

CAPERS GUY: "Ummm... no."

ME: "Oh, that sucks. I was hoping I might find something that wasn't poisonous, but I guess not."

CAPERS GUY: "So you have an ant problem?"

ME: "Ummm... yeah. I can't figure out how to get rid of them."

CAPERS GUY: "Oh, you know what you should do? Clean. Ants will live forever in a dirty house."

ME: *getting angry* "Yeah, THANKS."

CAPERS GUY: "Why do you need to kill them? Can't you just live with them? Why can't you just live with them?"

ME: "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO. Thanks for your help."

*grabbing a bottle of all purpose cleaner off the shelf and muttering to myself*
"Fucking hippies."

One way or another, I am going to kill those sons of bitches. Out of spite. In an environmentally friendly manner.

Put that in your hippie pipe and smoke it, CAPERS!

Music nerds unite!

I'm not even going to lie to you about this... I totally stole this from Brie's blog.

1. Of all the bands & artists in your collection, which one do you own the most albums?
Oddly enough, I have oodles of Outkast, Jamiroquai and Radiohead.

2. What was the last song you listened to?
“Your Woman" by White Town

3. What's in your CD player right now?
“Mezzanine" by Massive Attack, "Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes" by TV on the Radio and Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits.

4. What are your favorite instruments?
Trombone, violin, synthesizer and kazoo. (I am really good at two of those...)

5. Who's your favorite local artist?
Young and Sexy and Sparrow... among others.

6. What was the last show you attended?
Octoberman, Blood Meridian, and The Mohawk Lodge at the Railway Club.

7. What was the greatest show you've ever been to?
That's a tie between Radiohead at Thunderbird (the 2nd time... with the REM combo) and Depeche Mode for the Exciter tour at the Coliseum.

8. What's the worst band you've ever seen in concert?
Oh god. American HiFi... IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I SWEAR TO GOD! Phantom Planet was supposed to be opening, but they didn't show. I was trying to get me some Jason Schwartzman action.

9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?
Oasis. I hear Wonderwall and I get all nostalgic... and then I see Noel and Liam on tv and I'm all, "You are both total douchebags."

10. What is the most musically involved you have ever been?
Grade 10 - 12 I was in 4 bands and got in about 3 solid hours of sweet trombone action a day on average. I was kind of a big deal on the local trombone scene. (NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING.)

11. What show are you looking forward to?
The Police on May 30th! Woot.

12. What is your favorite band shirt?
Well... I love my Depeche Mode "Violator" shirt is pretty amazing... though I am not entirely sure where it is. BUT... I am madly in love with my Clash t-shirt because they really are the only band that matters.

13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
That is kind of an insane question. I have a million different answers. Here are but a few possibilities:
Tunde Adebimpe from TV on the Radio... mostly just so we could have makeouts.
OR Bob Dylan because he inadvertently changed my life.
OR Steve Winwood. Just because he's Steve Winwood and I've had this weird love of him since I was 4. I can't explain it.


14. What musician would you like to be in love with you for a day?
Tunde again. SWEET MOTHER HE IS HOT. Hot sex on a platter, that one. (Eh? Sweet musical reference!)

15. What was your last musical "phase" before you wizened up?
Erm... THE LATE NINETIES??? I own Everclear and Dave Matthews cds.

16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?
I will say Sabbath, because anyone with a name like Geezer Butler deserves mad props. Especially now that he actually is one.

17. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek?
You haven't even scratched the surface, biatch!

18. What was the greatest decade for music?
Early punk, new wave, late 60's/early 70's folk and rock.

19. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and Pretty in Pink.

20. Where would you be without music?
This is going to sound dramatic, but honestly, WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF BEING ANYTHING?? That's how big of a nerd I am.

Well that's hardly fair...

Yesterday, upon caving into a 3pm treat craving I wandered over to Starbucks with Robyn for a coffee. I only took enough money for my non-fat vanilla latte... and THANK GOD. While we were waiting in the lineup, I looked into the food case and saw this:

STARBUCKS MAKES CUPCAKES NOW??? WHAT IN THE HECK???


That's just mean. It's already hard enough for me to justify my lattes... and then NOT buy a lowfat vegan brownie while I'm at it. (But at least with that one, I feel slightly better due to the lowfat and vegan business.) I felt so guilty about getting those that I moved on to the cranberry chocolate soy protein bars, because I was all, "What? I NEED PROTEIN."

But cupcakes? There's no way I'll be able to justify that one, is there? How about, "I eat my feelings." or "I suffer from a complete lack of self control."? Does that work? It's just 100% bad for me.

But they look so pretty. I will probably end up trying one. FRIG!

Damn you, Starbucks! DAMN YOU

Heck yes! I would.

Holy crap, do I ever wish I had come up with this.




... and this.





Amazing.


Dear Vern Fonk,

Holy mother of all that is sacred and true, you need to give me a job in your marketing department. It is like I was meant to write your commercials. Need a spec? I'M ON IT LIKE GRAVY ON POUTINE. You won't regret this, Mr. Fonk. You surely won't.

Sincerely,

Sarah

When nerds find friendship, magical things happen.

Conversation yesterday at lunch:

ME: I hate making reports. They are so dumb.

CRAIG: Yeah. The program we use for our reports is really badly set up. You can't create templates for custom reports!

ME: No templates??? That's so ghetto. I hate the program I have to use for reports. Did you know that you can't even use a mouse to navigate? Every time I use it, I'm all , "GOD! What is this, friggin DOS???"

CRAIG: (laughing) DOS... Oh, DOS... but I wish I didn't have to use a mouse at all. Keyboards are way faster.

ME: I don't mind using a mouse. It's alright. Friggin' DOS...

Ironically, some of our co-workers are under the impression that we are the cool kids... little do they know, that if they actually sat at our table at lunch they would be subjected to our endless conversations about science.

Seriously, one day we talked about performing chemical titrations. It's that bad.

Best. Meeting. Ever.

Today my regular Monday morning meeting went way longer than usual. Possibly because we were missing two people, and without said individuals the rest of us are unable to focus on the task at hand without yelling at each other to shut up and make jokes every 3 seconds.

So basically what I'm saying is that it was the greatest meeting we've had in AGES! Here is but a small taste of the festivities:

********

*WHACK*
ME: Owwwwwwwwwwwww!

OTHER GUY: What the hell?

ME: I totally hit my head.

PLATYPUS: HAHAHAHAHA!

ROB: Be careful. (laughs at me again)

ME: *makes a whiny noise*

PLATYPUS: Okay, back to the list. Who is doing *insert name of task here*?

ME: Erm, I believe your mom was handling that one...

PLATYPUS: What? (laughs for a bit) What?

ME: (laughing my face off) I don't even know. I seriously don't even know.

********

This sort of thing went on for ages and many excellent jokes were made at the expense of others who were not in the room.

Ahhh, good times.

PS: I just overheard a hilarious conversation in the hallway. One dude was making fun of the other dude for being old. They laughed it up for awhile... the guy who was doing the mocking said, "I'm just kidding. Have a good day, buddy!" That was met with a, "Thanks, you too... ya jerk..."

The small things in life really are the most amusing.

I'M SO TOTALLY GOING HOME NOW. Peace out... ya jerks.

An open letter to the microwave in the lunch room where I work.

Dear microwave in the lunch room at work,

Why are you such a piece of crap? You've only been here for about a month, and already you are letting the team down with your laziness. I mean, seriously. Since when has it ever been okay to nap on the job? Don't get me wrong, I wish it were allowed... I'd do it myself! BUT IT IS NOT. So why you think that it is okay for you to just shut 'er down after 6 mins of heating up lunches is beyond me.

So listen up, microwave. I'm going to give you a chance, because you are new and all. But you should be aware of the fact that pretty much everyone here hates you and your lame excuse for a work ethic. So buck up! You can easily be replaced. (That one is INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH!)

I have to eat my lunch at 11:55 now because of you. I hate going downstairs at 11:55. I feel like I'm being cheated. You are a jerk.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Friday I'm in love.

It is Friday and I love it! So, I thought I would share some other things with you that I love.

This awesome cover of Faith by Boy Least Likely To.

I discovered it last year and I used to listen to it over and over again because it's so darn CUTE! I think my record was about 15 times in a row. Excellent.

And then, for no reason at all I was going to show you a random video of Christopher Walken, because I'm pretty sure he is the funniest man alive... but then I found this instead:





A Christopher Walken impression is almost funnier than ACTUAL Christopher Walken. Seriously though... how awesome is he? Years later, and I'm still telling people that "I'm just a regular girl. I put my pants on one leg at a time. But once my pants are on, I make gold records."

Frig. I love Fridays. And Christopher Walken.

When it's true love, you just know it.

I just wanted to take a moment before starting work to let you know that I'm totally in love with Donald Sutherland. He's so brilliant. He's the perfect combination of nerd and cool. When he was in university he graduated with a double major... engineering and drama! He's pretty much the perfect man for me... except for the fact that he is nearly old enough to be my grandfather.

It's mostly his voice though. He has the most amazing speaking voice ever. If his voice was in a kung-fu fight with James Earl Jones' voice, Donald's would win for sure. Because it's so hot. PLUS... he makes lovely children... like Kiefer and Rossif whom I am also terribly in love with. So, basically... what I am saying is that I have a thing for Sutherlands.

You should also know that if you could manage to channel Donald's voice, you could pretty much get away with saying anything to me because it would sound like magic. *swoon*

Your mom goes to college.

Today was a stupid day. A day that made me feel stupid. So now I'm going home. I'm going home to do this:




There's nothing left for me to do but... DANCE! You know this boogie is for real.

Heck yeah.

Oh, grandma! You with your chocolate cake and your swearing...

My grandma sent this to me yesterday and I have been laughing about it ever since. Probably because if she drove, she would be likely to behave in a similar manner to the granny in this video.




Too damn funny. There is nothing better than swearing grandmas.

When I grow up, I want to be middle class!

Why middle class? So that I'm not so rich that people think I'm a snobby assface, but just wealthy enough to be able to afford things like TICKETS TO THE SASQUATCH FESTIVAL!!!!

It's too bad I'm still ghetto poor, and therefore will miss out yet again on a stellar lineup. Maybe I could still go anyways... OR MAYBE I COULD EAT DINNER EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. It's a tough call, really.

What a day, what a day...

This morning I woke up feeling crappy. Like, super crappy. But I never miss a day at work unless I'm completely DYING so I got up and got going. I convinced myself that this was going to be a good day NO MATTER WHAT. So I put on a song that gets me dancing every time...





There's nothing like a little 7am disco booty shake to get you going in the morning. I felt mighty real indeed.

When I got to the bus stop it was just before 8am. It was raining. I waited. And waited. Then waited some more. 4 full busses drove past my stop before I finally got on one. It was 9am by the time I got to work. IT IS TOTALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE AN HOUR TO GET THERE. Grrrrr.

When I got to work and sat down at my desk, I suddenly got a harsh tummy ache. The curl up in a ball on the floor kind of tummy ache. I was not pleased. I went to a meeting and got a crapload of work dumped on me for this week. Again, I was not pleased. I got back to my desk and started doing the super crappy annoying stuff I had to get done before 10:30... then Craig called me and I realized that it was 10am and the Police tickets were on sale. So I panicked. I was freaking out because I was pretty sure that I had lost us our tickets... but then I found some. Then I bought them.

SO NOW I AM GOING TO SEE THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The seats are a little on the crappy side, but I don't friggin' care because the music is going to be awesome. I don't really need to see Sting and his silly little vest and no shirt getup anyways... and Stuart Copeland has always been the good looking one, but he has grey hair now so if it looks like they are the size of peas, then it's no big deal. I like peas.

It will never be the same again...

So last night while I was watching tv, I saw 2 commercials that really bothered me.

The first one was for Target. It was about makeup. The song featured in it was "A Little Bit More" by Jamie Lidell. JAMIE LIDELL!!! When did he go all mainstream on me? I kind of freaked out a little. I don't know why.

The second one was even more shocking and disturbing. Cesar Dog Food... which featured little dogs running around to... "I Think I Need A New Heart" by the Magnetic Fields! DOG FOOD!

What is going on here? My world doesn't make sense anymore.

I mean... DOG FOOD? If they were selling iPods I wouldn't even care. But DOG FOOD? That's just wacky.

Talk to me Harry Winston, tell me all about it.

I'm not really what you would call a "girly girl". I like wearing dresses and skirts on occasion, but I'm most happy wearing jeans and vans. That's just how I roll. That being said, there are certain things that turn me into a squealing, shrieking, ridiculously girly girl. Things like this:

















Ever since I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's, I (like every other girl who has ever seen it) have dreamt of one day getting something in one of those blue boxes. I don't even care what it is. Sterling silver telephone dialer? SURE. Silver plated speck of dirt? I'LL TAKE IT. There's just something about that box that makes me turn into an annoying child.

Today is Shirley's birthday. Her husband brought her gift to her at work. It was in a little blue box. A little blue box from Tiffany's. As soon as I saw the box I started freaking out, and was all, "OH MY GOD SHIRLEY! IT'S FROM TIFFANY'S!!! WHY AM I YELLING? IT'S NOT MY PRESENT! I'M SO EXCITED!!!" It was a gorgeous little necklace with just the right amount of sparkle. She's so friggin' lucky!


I'd settle for a ring pop if it came in a Tiffany box. One day... one sweet day...


PS:

Dear new version of Blogger,

Stop effing with my page layout when I add photos. It's really pissing me off.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Greetings, from the Health and Safety Committee! We hope you die.

Yesterday at work I received an odd little email forward about earthquake safety. Basically, it said that everything we have ever been taught to do in an earthquake is completely wrong and will most definitely get us killed. Instead of ducking and hiding under a table or a doorway, you are just supposed to duck beside a large piece of furniture. WTF? That doesn't sound like a good idea to me at all!

This is where things start to get a little silly. The person who sent this particular email sent it to EVERYONE in the whole building with a note that referred to this person being on the safety committee, therefore they would know what is good for us. So most of us read it and thought it was a little strange and didn't believe it at all. It seems funny to me that anyone would, honestly. So ANYWAYS... eventually some sassypants thought that it was probably a good idea to do some research on this theory and found this Red Cross rebuttal of the crazy claims. He also hit REPLY ALL... so everyone read it and it made the person who sent it look slightly ridiculous. SO FUNNY.

BUT THEN IT GOT EVEN FUNNIER. Someone else with even sassier pants hit REPLY ALL again... and asked but one question: "What qualifications do you need to be on the safety committee?" HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were about 2 more reply all's with sassy comments before it all finally got shut down by the office manager with a stern "Don't send this crap to everyone on the email list." and a "Don't hit reply all with your sassy comments."

These are the small joys of working in an office. I seriously just sit around and WAIT for stuff like this to happen. Gold. Pure gold. I can't wait to see what happens next.

The Bedouin bus stop.

I love the Cambie bus because it is WAYYYYYYYYYY less disgusting than my other transportation options going to and from work. (#8 Fraser, I'm looking at YOU...) But this whole construction business is throwing my commute into a tailspin! Why? Because they keep moving the damn bus stops.

It has been going on for months. It started up at King Ed, where they kept moving the bus stop down about 10 feet at a time, before finally settling on putting it one block away at 24th. Or so I thought. One morning, I got off my connecting bus only to discover that there was no more bus stop there... I had to walk all the way down to 18th. It was total bullcrap. After a week of trekking all the way down the street, I noticed that they had actually moved it to the other side of King Ed, behind some large trees on the boulevard. Jerks.

As soon as I had finally made peace with the situation, they started effing with my shit AGAIN. This time, it was at Broadway. They moved it to the middle of the road, back again, back to the middle of the road, and the yesterday it was just... gone. Vanished. Who knows what the hell they did with it. According to Rob, if one is taking the #15 from downtown and wishes to get off anywhere from the bridge to Broadway, it ain't gonna happen. Once you cross the bridge, your ass ain't going nowhere until 10th, where they stop the bus in the middle of the road and you jump off at an unmarked stop. WHAT THE FRIG???

So now I have to walk up the road and find my mystery bus stop. No matter how annoying it may be, it's not nearly as annoying as riding the #8 with the hobo crazies who like to stomp on your feet when you are wearing sandals and totally not even apologize leaving you to hold in the pain and not say anything because that stupid whore is DRUNK and you know she will have no problem with knifing you. Stupid flipping cow. I was so close to hitting her in the goddamn face.

So ANYWAYS... I'm still taking the Cambie. GOOD TIMES!

These landlords must be on to something...

Looking for a place to rent is bloody annoying. Everything is too goddamn expensive. Then, when you find something fairly decent sounding that does not cost $1 billion a month in rent, two little letters pop up in the ad that RUIN EVERYTHING.

N/P.

I freaking hate N/P! N/P is ruining my life! Lydia has two cats... which classify as P's... therefore SCREWING US OVER WITH THE N/P POLICY! I am not the biggest fan of said P's, but I don't think it's fair that they be subjected to racial profiling (THE CAT RACE...) when they are just trying to find a place to live in a neighborhood that is closer to the cute boys... erm... the grocery stores and convenient bus routes. Yes... that's it...

So, if you happen to become aware of a cute place that is cheap, large and the landlords are all, "Dude, we are totally all about the P's." then please, let me know.

Until then, I will try to come to terms with my feelings of resentment towards the P's in question.

It is Wednesday! Regular old Wednesday!

You may remember that last year on this particular date, I chose to not celebrate lurve with the masses of consumers and instead celebrated my own festival... the festival of swearing! I really got into it last year and made no effort whatsoever to bring joy and love into people's hearts. Instead, I swore at them. Oh, don't worry. I wasn't mean about it. It was just your pleasant-type swearing... things like "Happy Valentines Day to you too, fuckwad." and "Happy fucking Valentines Day!"

Alas, this year since I was soooooooooo busy up in this place of employment I didn't get enough interaction with people to really take it to the swearing limit. So instead I brought homemade cookies and stuck them in the lunchroom. I did so kind of anonymously... that way when people take the cookies they will be all, "Wow, these are from someone who really gives a crap..." but since they don't know it is me they won't think I give a crap! Which is good, because I don't. It's pretty much the perfect plan. It's not as awesome as the swearing festival... but it's something. This year, I ended up using the phrase "Shoot, this is a frigging load of bullcrap!" over and over again. Now that I think about it, that's actually way funnier! Heh.

I have big plans tonight... I'm going GROCERY SHOPPING... likely followed by COOKING MY OWN DAMN DINNER... and then a little bit of DOING LAUNDRY. And then maybe yoga. FUN TIMES. But at least it's cheap. HA!

If only I had laser eyes... then I wouldn't have to wait in line to heat my lunch.

I've become so used to having a microwave in the lunchroom at work that it almost never occurs to me to take something for lunch that doesn't need to be heated up. I usually end up eating leftovers from the night before... and I'm totally okay with that. But now I think I have to re-think my whole POA for lunches... why?

Because Craig keeps breaking the dang microwave.

Yesterday Dave and I were waiting patiently for our turns heating up our food... I was pretty stoked about my lunch because it was potatoes and stuffing! Craig took his food out... Dave put his food in and closed the door... and then it died. We got no love from the microwave. So we had to buy lunch, and both of us pouted all the way through it.

Today I was lucky. I got downstairs BEFORE Craig did... so my food was a-ok. But then he came down... cooked his food... and then it died. Again.

Obviously his lunches are just too intense for our ghetto microwave to handle. But I bet they are delicious.

I think we need to develop a system. I'll bring sandwiches on Craig's hot lunch days and
vice-versa. That way, we are both happy. As for everyone else... that's their own damn problem.

I can see clearly now... well, clear-ish.

This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror and something seemed odd. My right eye was all wonky and I seriously could not see the pupil of my right eye in my reflection. It kind of freaked me out a little. But I left for work anyways. By the time I had gotten to the bus stop, I was seeing an aura. Basically like tunnel vision with squiggly lines around the bit that you actually can see. It was at this point that I started to panic. I started to think that I was having a stroke... so when the left side of my face started to get tingly and numb I kind of freaked out.

But then I got off the bus and my eyes were getting better and I started to feel some serious tension in my neck. So I calmed down a bit. Even though this has happened to me a bunch of times before, I still freak out every time it happens. It's not a stroke at all... it's a migraine without the headache. I need to learn how to relax.

Better than coffee!

When I got to work this morning, I checked my email. This is what I found in there...

Friends, meet Ella. She is the most gorgeous little baby girl EVER. She grunts a lot when I am on the phone with her mommy and when she smiles it is the funniest thing in the world. Since she is only about 2 months old and is already hilarious, I just thought I should warn my fellow bloggers that you have about 10 years to write away before she finishes grade 5 and blows us all out of the water.

Plus, she already loves Dirty Dancing so we don't have to worry about whether or not she will fit in. (SHE TOTALLY ALREADY DOES.)

If this doesn't spike an increase in readership, I don't know what will.

AWWWWWWWWW, BABIES!

Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire.

Holy crap. I am so friggin excited that I can barely stand it. BARELY!!!! I am going on my first vacation since the summer of 2002!! It's going to be a short one, but goddamnit, it'll be a good one.

I'M GOING TO VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!

















IT WILL LOOK JUST LIKE THIS!!!!

















MAYBE I WILL MEET THE FLYING ELVISES!!!!!

OR MAYBE I WILL JUST GET DRUNK!!!! I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!

But seriously. It is going to be super awesome to the extreme for real. I can't stop thinking about all the crap I get to buy BEFORE I leave. Like luggage. I don't have any. That will be cool. And possibly contact lenses. WHO KNOWS!

The only crappy part about it is that when I come home, I won't be able to tell you about it. Apparently there is some rule about that... anyone heard anything about that? I'll have to google it.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: Dear travel mates,

You probably should have realized that when you asked me to come with you, that meant that you will be forced to listen to me sing "Viva Las Vegas" about a thousand times before we leave. (300 of those times will probably be on the plane ride there.) I just thought you should know.

Sincerely,
Sarah

And I raaaaaaan... I ran in the same plaaaaaace...

... because I was on a treadmill. I'm telling you, A Flock of Seagulls has got nothing on me. I can totally run better than them. Had I not been on a treadmill, I totally would have ended up "so far away". Two miles away, actually. It was actually pretty fun, jogging away and rocking out to my sweet music. UNTIL THE 30 SECONDS LATER WHEN THE FREAKING HEADPHONES FALL OUT OF YOUR EARS.

You see, I have an mp3 player. It looks like this:

I didn't buy it. It came for free with my computer. Minor details. HOWEVER, please note the crappy-ass headphones that come with it. They are earbuds. EARBUDS THAT DO NOT STAY IN MY EARS.

Every day when I am on the bus, I have to shove them back into my ears about 17 million times. Yesterday when I was running, I had to shove them back into my ears about 17 million times. This is becoming a very annoying situation for me. But I don't want to buy new headphones that are NOT earbuds... because they will be big. I think that having headphones that a bigger than my actual music player is totally dumb. Plus they will need to fit in the designated music pocket in my work bag, and if the headphones are larger they will not fit.

So, come on then. What's a girl to do? I need answers. Give them to me.

The problem with parents watching cable tv.

Yesterday at work, I saw the most amusing thing. THREE TIMES. Here is the story.

One of the dudes I work with came walking around the corner where my office is. He is definitely a Dad type. Who knows how old he actually is, but lets just say he is way the heck older than I am. Just keep imagining what this would be like if it was your Dad. ANYWAYS, so he comes walking around the corner, and he was singing something very softly. At first all I could make out was "California... dadadadaaaaa" then when he got closer to my door, I distinctly heard "In the citaaaaayyyyyyyyyy, city of Compton..."

HE WAS SINGING 2-PAC. I almost died a little. It was so great.

And then it happened two more times in the afternoon. How a Dad ends up singing California Love by 2-Pac, I don't know. But I'm sure glad he did. Dads are crazy!

The Great Debate...

There's a lot going on in the world right now, and I could write several essays on how I feel about the important issues at hand. You know, things like global warming, impending earthquakes, the bloody awful traffic in this city, etc. But what am I thinking about right now?

Whether or not I should stay up until 11pm tonight to watch the InStyle Celebrity Weddings special on TV. On the one hand, I am feeling tired and not 100% well, so the extra sleep would be a good idea. On the other hand... I am nosy and I want to judge whether or not that Doritos girl has bad taste. (I bet she DOESN'T, but whatever.)

This is the kind of thing I worry about all day. It's quite a pickle, isn't it? What would Stephen Harper do? (WWSHD?)

5 bucks says he'd watch it live WHILE PVRing it so he can watch it again 3 days in a row. But who am I to judge? I just might do the same.

If only Canadian Idol was based on team spirit...

There are very few situations that could possibly occur in life that would make me agree to get out of bed at 5:30am on a Sunday morning. Except Canadian Idol auditions.

Oh, Amanda and Dani laughed their faces off when I got into the car with a blanket and pillow, but whose ass was not sore after sitting on the floor for 17 hours? (Or was it only 4? 5? I seriously have no concept of how long we were there for.) It was one of the most amusing experiences ever. You walk into a deserted mall, where 25 security guards point and show you where to go. Then you get in line. And then you wait. You wait for a long time. But it doesn't really seem like that long, because while you are waiting there are 13 tone deaf teenagers singing along to their ipods just for your enjoyment.

If you happen to be a member of Team Dani, you pass much of the time mocking people. Like the crazy lady who was wearing the giant BLINGED OUT microphone necklace on the fat chain. I was wishing I was closer to her in the lineup so I could hear what she was saying. In my mind, she was reminiscing about the good ol' days in Compton and how exhausted she was because she just flew into town after a night of cavorting with the G-Unit crew. It was super fun times because they drank Cristal and had money fights! Good times.

Unfortunately for Team Dani, our day was cut short at 10am because the judges wouldn't know talent if it punched them right in the babymaker. Sadly, Amanda and I didn't get the chance to yell at the cameras and cause a scene about it. *sigh* S'cool though, because word on the street is that we are going back next year! WOOT. I would gladly get up that early for you again, my dear.

Hey South Florida, kiss my grits!

Suddenly I am totally jealous of anyone and everyone that is at the Super Bowl. I have never been so pissed off about missing a sporting event. But I could seriously care less about the damn football game.

It's all about the Prince.

I watched the halftime show and got TOTALLY JEALOUS because I just can't shake the feeling that had I been at that game, my life would have been forever changed. How many people can say that they saw Prince singing Purple Rain... IN THE GODDAMN RAIN.

*sigh* Maybe it could still happen to me? Sure it can.

Can't Lose! (I really, really can't.)

Everyone else is doing it, so why not? This will be amusing to me just because I have really nerdy music on my mp3 Player. (Yeah. I kick it old school. No ipods for me!)

1. Put your iPod, or music player of your choice, on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question

What does this year have in store for me? My Sweet Lord - George Harrison (Looks like I'm all booked up on Sundays now...)

What does your love life look like? When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys (saucy!)

What do I say when life gets hard? Maneater - Nelly Furtado

What do I think of when I get up in the morning? Your Woman - White Town

What song will I dance to at my wedding? Allison - Elvis Costello

What do you want as a career? I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys (I love choreography!)

Your favorite saying? Holly Holy - Neil Diamond (More like "Holy crud!" but whatevs.)

Favorite place? Galang - MIA

What do you think of your parents? What is Life - George Harrison (Because I love them to bits.)

Where would you go on a first date? Hasn't Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo (Okay, that's funny!)

Drug of choice? Cherry Cherry - Neil Diamond

Describe yourself? Lovely Day - Bill Withers

What is the thing I like doing most? Touch The Sky - Kanye West (I'm a go getter.)

The song that best describes the president? Jumpin' Jack Flash - Rolling Stones (because he loves gas, gas, gas?)

What is my state of mind like at the moment? Alternative to Love - Brendan Benson (HA!)

How will I die? Carry On My Wayward Son - Kansas (I ain't going nowhere, bitches!)

The song that will be played at your funeral? Song Sung Blue - Neil Diamond

The song you'll put as the subject? Can't Lose - We Are Scientists

GOOD TIMES.